I have been having mixed emotions lately about whether I really want to continue fighting for my marriage. Some moments it truly seems hopeless. The next I feel more love for WW than I ever have.

I wanted to post a gem I found when digging through the posts here on MB. This was originally posted by Mortarman on Shescrazy thread and it really helped this morning:



"Shescrazy...just read your story. Everything here looks typical...nothing new. And in many ways, as others have told you...yoi have done good. So, the attaboys are deserved for those.

But I am going to do to you what several good people did to me when I was going through my mess ten years ago. Put your helmet on because I am going to smack you around a bit. Okay?

First, as you know, your wife has left all sanity behind right now. She is in the fog of an affair. Now, you have kids about the same ages mine were when it happened to me. Do you think your kids need TWO parents flopping around like fish on the deck of the ship?

Look, we understand the feelings that come with all of this. And unfortunately, no one ever gave us a marriage roadmap before we got married. So, many of the things you are doing are natural and expected. But guess what? You are the MAN of the house. Unfortunately, you dont get to do the EXPECTED.

Your family NEEDS you to be the sane person...the rock. Unmoving, unchanging. There is so much change going on right now. Your kids feel unsafe. And to be honest, they dont even trust you...as you flop around from wanting the marriage and talking about divorce. No one can feel safe in that environment...INCLUDING your wife!!!

When I said above that your FAMILY needs you to be the rock, that includes your wife! Look, you want to know who is the MOST scared right now? It is your wife. She has made a huge mess. As you said, everyone has turned against her, including her kids. She has backed herself into a corner, and she has no idea how to get out of it.

And here, the one person that actually does care about her...is her family...and you go from saying "I love you" one minute, and then talking about taking her kids and leaving her with nothing the next. I know she made these stupid decisions. I know she continues to do insane things. But you MUST ask yourself RIGHT NOW...do you love her? Do you want your marriage to continue?

If the answer is no, then call your lawyer and end this now.

If the answer is yes, then being the rock means you are going to have to steady your hand on the steering wheel of this ship.

No more talk of divorce. When she talks about it, say "I do marriage, my lawyer does divorce. If you want to talk about marriage and our family...I am right here. If you want to talk about divorce, call my attorney." Stop THREATENING! Sure, you should be getting your waterfowl coaxially aligned! But you do that in silence. You prepare yourself for what you HOPE wont happen. But EVERYTIME you tell her what you will do to her...it comes as a threat to her...and she moves further away from you.

I know she is hurting you. But you are hurting her. Now, will YOU be the sane one and stop this cycle of hurt? Love means NOT giving your wife what she DESERVES and instead giving her what she NEEDS!

I saw a few pages back you wanted to know how to know when to go to Plan B. First off, you need to do a stellar Plan A. Plan B will NEVER work without it. But, let me help you with this a little. When I was in my mess, I promised myself that I would do the following (and I did everyday): I woke up early every morning before the kids woke up. I walked into their rooms, sat beside their beds and looked at them. I spent about ten minutes with each of them. Then I went back to my room and asked myself...am I ready to end this? As long as the answer was NO, then I went on with that day and my plan.

When the answer is YES, well, then you call the lawyer...you go dark to her...and you leave it all in God's hands.

I could post a very long post here. But you have talked to Steve. The Harley's books and principles are here to read (or but and read). And on these threads are countless stories JUST LIKE YOURS. And many successes.

I dont know if you are a Christian or not, but if you are...you need to know that God has called you to love your wife like Jesus loves us. What kind of love is that? It is the kind that loves her even though she is actively hurting you. We were killing Jesus, yet He loved us. This is no different!

No matter how this all ends, your path is the same. You must earn your way out of the marriage. You must do everything you can to rescue your family. All of it! If your wife choses to stay in the burning building, you cannot force her to leave. But I can tell you...almost all women want to be rescued, whether they want to admit it our not.

So, come here and vent and lose it sometimes. But with your family...you MUST maintain control. Time to fully man up."

FLGuy

Mrs Wondering came to this forum a fogged out mess. She was pissed off at what we told her. What I told her. She did not like me, and more than that, she actively disliked me. But, Mrs W now has a place in my heart. She is one hell-of-a good woman. We email occasionally.

If you want to know about how a husband might deal with a foggy WW, follow the advice of Mr W. He was successful.

If your WW ever decides to recover your M, we will be happy to assist her as she learns MB basics.

Recovery is difficult. More difficult than you think it will be. But, it's worth everything.

Mr. W your post was friggin' awesome. Hope FG doesn't mind if I use some of that advice as well. Copy, paste, to smartphone notes! Also FG, I feel you brother. I am like that as well somedays I want to give up others I am for recovery.

Hey Pepp... Is Trueharts letter something that can be sent to a WS?

Usually its a waste of time to send letters to waywards.
Its best to keep it simple and just repeat a sentence over and over in hopes it will penetrate their foggy brain

WW's will take offense at trying to be educated.

Did you notice that plan A does not have the BH teaching the WW an affair is wrong. Pointing out a WW's faults does not make LB deposits.

Ok no Truharts letter. Got it. Thanks.

Just talked to WW. She asked that when I drop off the boys this Sunday that I pack clothes for the week. I know this is a big "no no". I was vague with my answer but froze and did not want to make any love busters. I told WW that I was going to be pretty busy this weekend and may not have time. She offered to come over Saturday and help pick out the clothes. I quickly changed the subject that we would be in her area Saturday night to see a movie.

So, I did not object to packing but never actually said no or yes. Not sure if I should just drop them off without clothes or give her a warning?

Funny thing she said she would eventually get them clothes but has not had a chance! God knows what she has been doing!!

Please help

Cheering you on to stick with it. One day at a time. TR is right --WS do not like to be overtly educated. I am the queen of falling into that trap.

Might be an interesting stand alone thread. 'Educational interventions for a wayward.'

Perhaps we'd all get a laugh at ourselves and see just how often the wayward really sees the errors of their ways!

Once I tried too hard to plan A my husband on his b-day. All was well until we sat down to watch a movie I'd rented: Fireproof! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fireproof_(film)

I can remember him rolling his eyes and scowling at me! I didn't understand the fog. If your spouse is in a fog its a great movie to encourage YOU while you are alone and need cheering up. Its a movie you might watch together once well into recovery. Since it does not support cake walking it might seem too demanding for a wayward.

Correct.
That thread is for waywards who are here lurking.

You mean clothes for the boys? Or, do you mean WW's clothes?

Sorry, clothes for the boys

If you decide to do this, do a little extra. Put little surprises in their pockets.
Add some little books. Some photos. A poem. (for the kids). Only if you feel like it.

If you were in Plan B, you would never provide clothing for the other house.

Do you want to do this? If yes, go ahead. Do it thoughtfully and strategically.
Then, note it in your documentation.

Everything I read said to exchange with just the clothes on their backs. Did not want to make a mistake. Did not want to enable or make it easy. I would rather not help her keep my boys out of ther home.

Just an idea, but I'll have you know I had to get special permission to post this because the document itself is not MB...but my scheme is MB.

Print the following pdf document, give it a quick read yourself (I read it in 2005 myself and liked it) being sure to make a couple pencil notes in the margins about how much you want your wife, marriage and family and how much you love and miss your wife, etc.. Then leave the print out sitting on the kitchen table or your night stand...somewhere where you hope she discovers it and picks it up but don't make it too obvious you are deliberately sitting out for her to read. Then tell her you are busy this weekend so she'll need to stop by the house and pick up the kids clothes. The house should be very clean. Tell here you'll leave the door unlocked for her (interesting way to deliver the message that you've changed the locks). Make sure NO ONE is there when she comes and she has all the time she needs to take in the smells of home (in fact...before you go...bake those instant chocolate chip cookies and have them sitting out to cool on the counter). Hopefully she'll wander around getting her fix of home whereupon she'll stumble upon this document. She'll read some or all of it because she'll want to know what stuff/crap you are reading. She definitely read anything you write in pencil. She'll HATE it...she MAY even steal it....but either way it should plant some seeds that may germinate over time. She can't UNREAD it and she can't get upset at you for trying to teach her because you aren't even there.

It's also nice because it's not MB so it won't lead her back here at all. Keep this place an absolute secret from her and her allies. Password protect your laptop and clear the history and cache of any home computer.

Here's the document: 31 Reasons to Stop an Affair


Godspeed,

Mr. Wondering

Someone suggested on this thread that the boys and I dress up and have a pirate treasure hunt for fun. I am taking boys tomorrow to our "secret island beach" tomorrow for a pirate adventure. Have pirate hats, swords, maps, and lots of loot. Dad and I are going to hide treasue all over the island and let the boys go crazy.

I invited WW and she just accepted. Time to make the deposits... No expectations and no relationship talk! Just fun floridaguy in his new swag, smellin' good!!

My luck she won't even show. No expectations!!

When it comes to the kids...all documentation, emails, text messages should indicate a completely cooperative spirit. I fear being tough on the clothes issue may make you appear to be punishing the kids or putting their interests in the middle.

But make her come get the clothes.


Of course, in the alternative you could be home alone and get a chance for some face time to Plan A her. Do the cookie thing and the house clean. Worry about the 31 reasons document another day (maybe leave it in an email address you know she knows the password to and see if she snoops your email.

Another tactic I thought might work is for you to email it to yourself from some throw away email address with a message like "I'm a friend of OM's and I received your facebook message and wanted you to know that there are people out here praying for you, your wife and your family. Here's a document that really help me pull my head out of my butt when I was in a similar situation as you guys several years ago. Please forward this document to your wife and I hope it helps her find her way" or something like that. Then you forward it to her as instructed saying "someone sent this to me...Ironically it appears to be from one of OM's family or friends. I opened it but didn't read it because it says not to in the introduction. I apologize if it's offensive or whatever. Have a nice day.


Mr. Wondering

It's worse when they do show...you have a great day and then they leave to disappear and you are just left to speculate.

Remember to give her intermittent hyper attention. Focus on her for short periods of time...intensely listening to whatever she has to say (listen more than you talk)...then cut her off and go off with the boys or your parents walking away from her while she wants to continue taking and receiving your attention. You walk away with her desiring more of you. When she leaves...do the same thing. No puppy dog looks hoping she'll stay longer. No chasing her. YOU walk away from her saying "OK..bye" and let her leave on her own.

Gotta run...have a good weekend.

Mr. W

Thanks MrW!

If Pepp and you are on-board with the the boys clothes exchange issue than it is a go. I will help her and maybe going through their clothes together in their room will make some deposits or bring up some special memories for WW. I will see if Mom can take them out when we do this.

This is awesome!! What do you mean by hyper attention??