I am so hurt and confused. How could this be happening in my life. I wonder if anyone else has a glimmer of hope because as I read everyone else's stories I can't help but feel mine is the worst. And hardest of all I don't want a divorce I want my marriage restored, renewed.

March of last year I discovered my husband of 23 years was having an PA. I caught him because he accidentally dialed my phone and I overheard a conversation where he was bragging to his friends about the OW. I immediately put him out of the house I had not read any of the books yet and didn't know about plan A and B. At the time he led me to believe it was only a few months. He immediately moved in with the other woman, that should have been a sign that this affair was much more than what was led on. I later found out it had lasted 3 years prior to DD. Needless to say I am in shock and heart broken.

After 23 years he would do this, move in with someone else. He quickly found that the situation with this other woman was unstable to say the least. He bounced back and fourth between me and her 5 times. No I hadn't heard of this site yet. Each time promising that he loved me wanted to be with me and our family. Each time falling right back into the affair.

Last December he came back again, this time it was a bit different, he really seemed he wanted to stay work things out and fix our family. Everything was progressing nicely in the beginning. Then towards the middle of February I noticed him distancing himself slowly. Shutting down, what was open communication and transparency became hostility toward me for asking questions. He became less loving and I questioned if he had begun the affair again.

Last Tuesday it had become clear he had, as much as I tried to ask him to begin counseling he refused. I found out they had spent the day together. My heart was broken AGAIN. Again I asked him to leave. Now I'm back to crying everyday missing him and wishing I had not asked him to leave but tried to convince him to go to counseling.

DID I MAKE A MISTAKE IN KICKING HIM OUT? He is right back in the other woman's arms.

Should I have figured out some other way?

I only want my marriage back my family whole again?

Please pray for me!! I feel so lost!!

Welcome and sorry you are here.

If you have read as you say you have, then you know the first question is:

Have you exposed the affair to everyone that matters.

Your children, his work, his family, her family, her work, pastors, friends. Everyone.

The only task now is to put pressure on the affair in hopes that it crumbles. Exposure is really the only way to do it.

Have you done it. No use going any further unless you have or are willing to.

Yes exposure did happen somewhere in the middle of this. Unfortunately her family is very familiar with adulterous relationships, her parents were adulterer's who had 5 children out of wedlock. There is no pressure on her side to end the affair, everyone around her is good with it.

I told everyone of our friends and family and our pastors. No one spoke to him. The only people I have not told is her boss because this was not an office affair.

She is not married either, and her children live with their father.

I will let the ladies on here take it from here, but in general, Plan A for a woman should not last very long. Start familiarizing yourself with Plan A and B help will be along soon.

pf86, you can't be sure that no one spoke to him. You did the right thing in kicking him out.

Have you read the start here link at the top of the forum?
Do you have kids?

You should go into plan B. Here: How to Plan B CORRECTLY

BetrayedP Yes we have two grown children who still live at home with me. Yes I have read the start here forum. I did do the unconditional love for the time he was home as things were going good. I did snoop when I noticed a change and find proof. The only person I know who he has spoken to is his best friend who has been very understanding with him yet counseled him to end the affair and come home.

I guess I'm right on schedule. I have begun no contact at all in plan B. Thank you for the link I will read this one too.

PF, you have started, I believe, four threads all w/n a relatively short period of time. I just briefly skimmed over the last thread and you have already been advised to go to Plan B and you seemed to agree.


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2712290&page=2


Please continue with just one thread. It is not fair for posters to have to keep asking you similar questions that have already been asked/answered in other thread and waste time giving you similar advice that has already been given in the other thread.

In some of the other threads it appears you have done a pretty complete exposure and also that there are some addiction issues on the part of your WH (past cocaine, current marijuana & gambling)

Why did you ask your WH to go to counseling when you have been advised that it's time for Plan B?

I will suggest that you have been dealing with your WH's affair for so long now (3 + years) that it may have done a number on you emotionally. This is the opposite of what Dr Harley suggests. It is possible that you will need to get on AD's (anti-depressants) in order to execute and follow through on a plan. Have you looked into AD's?

Please do not plead beg or otherwise engage your WH at this time. Most of your interactions with him are probably not productive in any way and are probably just lovebusters. Again the result of too much Plan A.

Threads merged.

SusieQ I wasn't aware you could only do one threat my appologies. I asked him to go to counseling before I began plan B before he had left the home again. No I have not looked at anti depressants really because I don't like using that type of medication.

I have not spoken or contacted him in any way since he the second discovery date.

I can see where there may be some confusion in my splitting entries.

To clarify the affair had gone on 3+ years, I only found out about it last year. I only discovered this site in the last few weeks.

Being as this woman's family would not hold her accountable do to their background, would it be pointless at this time to contact her employer who is a christian and by my understanding the only person in her life that she really respects?

Also the only thing I had not done at this point is write my H a love letter per the How to do Plan B Correctly post. Should I do that or leave it alone at this point?

The purpose of exposure is to let the people that can have the most influence put stress on the affair, and you are asking if you should leave out the only person that sounds like would be able to do that.

Read the exposure parts again.

The plan B letter is an essential part. Explains how you can't continue with the pain that is being caused, lets them know that you are not closing the door but require very specific changes and spells out those changes, and then ends with a love letter to the old spouse. It then leaves it in the spouses court to act.

You really need to read the stuff and understand. This is basic, spelled out in the articles.

OK, I guess I worry about causing more damage, but I will send out a email to her employer. I know that will be the one person everyone will get upset at me about contacting.

Why are you worried about someone being upset. You are in a fight for you marriage. ???????????

He is living with another woman. What more damage can you do?

Open your eyes and look clearly at where you are. You need to understand this. The way you are going, just following directions, is not going to work if you don't recognize and believe the situation for what it is.

I can see it now.

"What in the world were you doing, why did you do that/"

"Some crazy folks told me to. I'm sorry"

"Don't do it again or it is over. Now I'm going back to sleep with OW."

"OK, I'm so sorry."


Kinda sounds wrong doesn't it.

Open up your eyes, turn on your reason, and see.

mmmherb. I have to admit I'm very confused. I want to save my marriage. It seems at times I may have no other options left but to prepare for a divorce as he is so far in the fog they have moved in together. I'm in plan B but is it to hope he will come to his senses and leave that relationship or is it to prepare myself for the end of this marriage.

I don't know what I should be working towards, which way to put my efforts.

In Plan B you have absolutely NO contact with WH. All contact goes thru an intermediary person. Plan B is for you to take care of you and to show WH what it will be like without you.

The ONLY way you move back to plan A is if the A ends, NC letter goes out, theres proof that the A is over and EPs are in place for YOU to feel safe in the M.

Remember, you CANNOT control WH, nor should you want to. The EPs are YOUR boundaries for the life that you are willing to live. He must choose to live within them. You must also live within the EPs for WH to feel safe & welcome in the M.

Yes, in Plan B you should prepare for D. That doesn't mean the D happens or that recovery cant happen after the D, it just means that you are prepared to take care of you. Once WH sees that you are not in Plan Doormat he will hopfully see HIS problems and begin to work on them.

Your efforts should be placed on things that improve YOU during Plan B. MB program should be followed and the healing should be sought. That will make YOU a better person no matter what happens (D or not).

You need to really figure out what the plans are. You do not have a clue. Not being mean of smart, just stating the facts.

Unless you know what they are, you can't be in one or the other. You can't even know which one you want to be in.

PF86, have you read Surviving An Affair? This is your most important tool and will explain everything. It can be read in just a couple of days and will give you some really clear direction.

You really want to take this bull by the horns and not depend on the people here to spoon feed everything to you. Once you get through SAA, you will be able to get advice and clarification on these forums, but you will be leading your recovery armed with all you need to succeed.

Plan B in a nutshell

Part 1
You set up someone to be an intermediary (IM). The job function is narrow and they must understand it. They are to pass along only essential information. Essential meaning a real emergency or factual information pertaining procedural things. Not just everyday things. Things that have to be passed on, with no commentary, back and forth, any no-business information. There is only one exception, narrow, explained below.

Part 2
You send a letter to WS. In this letter you explain that his past actions and current actions have made it impossible for you to continue to be in contact with him. That in order to retain what small amount of desire you have to reconcile for as long as possible, you must immediately cut off contact with him. You give him a list of specific things required for him to do for you to consider reconciling. Tell him the information for the IM.

Part 3
You do it. You don't contact him. You make it impossible for him to contact you. You heal.

How long you do this is up to you. The only time the IM is to tell you anything except business stuff is if WS agrees to the return conditions 100%. You should not know what he is doing, where he is going, nothing. You can file for D, you can wait. Eventually,
A: He will come back
B: He won't, but you will be healthy mentally and physically and eventually be able to move forward.

But see, either way, you don't control what he does. Plan B won't bring him back, it won't drive him off. He will decide.

It will get you well though.

You have admitted to being confused a few times -- and your posts demonstrate that you are floundering.

You rejected the idea of AD's, but I wanted to post what Dr Harley says about them:


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html