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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 17
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OP
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 17 |
Serenity
I've been following your thread since the beginning and wanted to offer my perspective.
It sounds like you and your husband have a really good marriage. You seem to be following a lot of the principals recommended by Dr. H and you generally seem very happy together.
I can understand your concerns about the feeling that you may not have as many "special unique together moments" as H may have had in his prior life, before you came into his life (and completed it). You long for something that you can call your own, something not previously shared by another woman. This is what I have been meaning. Thank you for putting it so succinctly.
These things can eat away at you if you let them. The best that you can do, IMHO, is to brainstorm with your husband, and find something thats new. Then do it, take plenty of pictures, and find the next thing to do together. This is the spice in our lives, to find great things to do together and create a great life together. Continue doing this until you find all of the things that bring spice to you lives. (I'll bet none of the other women went skydiving with him, maybe bungee jumping too).
Now a question for you. What if you dont find anything new to share with him? Will that change your life? Make you less happy with him? I do not think it will cause any problems if I can not find something. The past 2 days of trying to understand my feelings and talking to people has actually made the majority of the feeling fade. I am hopeful that as I was fully aware of this before and had no problems that as time goes on it will be pretty much the same. If not well, we will cross that bridge when we get to it. No use worrying on what has yet to be.
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Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 315
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Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 315 |
What do you think of something as exciting as skydiving or bungee jumping? Maybe a balloon ride? Flying lessons are great too. You dont have to finish and get the license if you cant afford it but learning something like that together is a ton of fun.
Me - BH 49 years old
Her - WW 43 years old
Married 20 years
D Day Jan 7, 2013
3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492 |
Welcome to MB Serenity13! I see you have been through the 20 questions game .. gotten some advice and such. It seems you also have a great marriage and your hubby seems very open as do you. YOu did the ENQ i see ... have you done the Lovebusters Questionnaires to learn about what makes each other upset or frusterated? Have you done the recreational inventory to see if there is any activites each of you has yet to do as a first together? Have you done the personal history questionnaire to really understand your histories? Its possible that your feelings are related to not knowing everything about your hubbies past because you keep finding things he has already done? I bet you have a high need for openess and honesty (in top 5) and part of your frusteration is stemming from that. here is a link to the other questionnaires i mentioned above http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4502_lbq.html - Love busters questionnaire http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4503_phq.html - Personal History Questionnaire http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4505_rei.html - Recreational Inventory MNG
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,294
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,294 |
YOu did the ENQ i see ... have you done the Lovebusters Questionnaires to learn about what makes each other upset or frusterated? Have you done the recreational inventory to see if there is any activites each of you has yet to do as a first together? Have you done the personal history questionnaire to really understand your histories? Maybe those things can be the "1" thing you've done with him that he hasn't done with the others. And what a special thing it is seeing those other marriages didn't last. This one looks like it has an outstanding chance of lasting a lifetime and what better way to ensure that then to perform some exercises and develop other behaviors that will ensure it does. (Hence why we were very focused on EPs)
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4 |
Have you seen this? Historical Honesty
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,074
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Joined: Jan 2012
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Did your relationship with your husband start while he was divorcing? I'm asking, because that would explain a lot of your anxiety.
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
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Can you tell us the years of his marriages, including yours? 1st marriage- 13/14 years- no affairs on either end 2nd marriage- 7/8 years- multiple affairs on her end Our marriage- almost 9 years- no affairs on either end That is a minimum of 30ish years and not including after a divorce. How old is your husband? Do any of these marriages overlap (ie dating when separated).
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574 Likes: 1
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574 Likes: 1 |
I would focus on ENs right now. My guess is that things were okay but not great, so when this thing came and took a bite out of the love bank, there weren't enough good feelings left to compensate. This idea didn't come out of thin air, right? Something that had nagged at you every now and then before, but you dismissed it as "no big deal" because there was enough good there to compensate?
Have you looked at the RC Inventory lately? That would be a great way to find some new RC ideas to try that maybe you two haven't done with anyone else. And it sounds like you both really liked the weekend away together, maybe that would be the perfect way to put this dilemma into perspective.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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