I found out 2 months ago that my husband had had an affair with my mother about 10 years ago. The affair lasted almost 4 years. We had 2 very young children at the time, so my time was consumed with raising my children. My husband was extremely stealthy in regards to keeping the situation a complete secret, and when I began to question just exactly if/what was going on during that time, they both lied to me and insisted that it was purely an emotional thing. Fast forward ten years later, and a recent discussion with my mom re: a fight with my husband brought a flashback to back then, and I just insisted that she tell me the absolute truth. She did, and my life has been completely altered ever since. My husband has since moved out, insists that I am the love of his life, and will do anything to make up for what happened all those years ago. This on top of the fact that he had been emotionally/verbally abusive for a good part of our 20 year marriage, and is now finally seeing the damage he's caused. How do any of the concepts, rules, advice, etc. apply to a situation such as this? I feel like that with the changes he's making, the help he has saught on his own, he is truthful in wanting to be a better man/father/husband. What I can't get past is what him and my mother did, and all the lies they told to keep it hidden all these years. Any advice?

What a devastating discovery. Welcome to MArriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

The concepts would apply just as in any other affair. The affair should be exposed and all contact with the affair partner should be ended. In this case, the OW is your own mother. THAT is the only way to get over it. Your mother and your husband did a dreadful, despicable thing. Everyone should know.

That is to say - no contact between your H and her, and also you and her, for life. That means no visiting her, and she doesn't visit you or the kids. You don't go to relatives houses if she could be there. No weddings if she is going. No funerals, no invitations to your kids' weddings and graduations. If your marriage is to recover, there must be no contact with her for life, from both of you.

Is your father alive? How would you manage seeing him and not your mother?

It is difficult to go NC with a close family member, but our MB members who have done this have found peace and recovery. We have had posters where the OW is a sister or the OM is a brother, and if it means not going to family events then that is what is done.

My father is alive, but he and my mother are divorced. In fact, it is quite possible that my husband is the reason they divorced. They were having problems in their own marriage at the time the affair began.

I forgot to add...that has been my struggle up to this point. How do I even possibly move forward with either relationship without giving up at least one of them? And what a difficult decision....husband or mother? And the crazy thing is, when the affair ended, my husband forbid any contact between her and our children because of an offense my husband took to something her new husband said to him. Go figure...he did the right thing....just for the wrong reasons. Looking back, I was so young and naive. Every red flag under the sun was blowing right in my face, and I just refused to believe that either of them was capable of doing something so completely vile.

You don't. If you want to move forward in your marriage, then the relationship with your Mother/OW has to be ended. I realize that is not easy, but the alternative is even worse. We have others who have overcome affairs with family members and built great marriages but they had to do it at great personal cost.

You are going to pay a great cost no matter what you do, but if you eliminate your mother and focus on your marriage you can end up with a great marriage. [provided you BOTH are committed to this program] If you dump your husband you will have no marriage and a boat load of resentment.

YOU have to decide for yourself if you want to save this marriage. This is a great betrayal and none of us are qualified to tell you what is right for you. But one thing is for sure, if you want to save your marriage, you have to cut your mother out of your life.

Is there anything to save in this marriage? This marriage sounds like it has been your worst nightmare.

I know if I were in your shoes, I would never see or speak to my mother again regardless of the state of my marriage. I would have no problem doing that.

We've been together since I was 16, and he was 18. I've known nothing else for the last 23 years, and lived with an alcoholic father up to that point. It was through therapy quite a few years ago that I was able to acknowledge/distinguish what was abusive and what wasn't. For the last two or three years, things were actually looking much better. He had calmed down quite a bit, but yes, a lot of damage has been done. It's hard to put 23 years of history down in a couple of paragraphs.

As far as my mom goes, I haven't spoken to her in over a month, but some of her last words to me were to tell my H that we're family...the good, the bad, the ugly, it doesn't matter because we're forgiving and gracious.

My mother's side of the family loves to play the guilt card, and my father's side of the family swears an oath of silence - if you don't talk about it, it never happened.

Needless to say, this website has been an education for me. And what may be my saving grace.

"As far as my mom goes, I haven't spoken to her in over a month, but some of her last words to me were to tell my H that we're family...the good, the bad, the ugly, it doesn't matter because we're forgiving and gracious. "

Does she feel that she is entitled to forgiveness? Not only is she not entitled to forgiveness, but it is not in your best interest to have any contact with her.

We can help you save your marriage if you decide to do that. But that will only work if your husband is 100% committed and your mother is cut out entirely. Your husband would most likely have to attend anger manager because this program has a zero tolerance for abuse.

Have you told all of your family about the affair yet?

OMG, I am so sorry. Your mother is still dangerous to you. Her recent comment in order to protect herself and control your reaction: "We're family...the good, bad, and ugly, it doesn't matter because we're forgiving and gracious" is very telling. In the very least its a dismissive statement. She is saying to forgive her and your husband and keep this quiet. This is exactly what an alcoholic spouse does to their innocent children--ask them to keep secrets and cope with the transgressions alone or else. This is highly abusive and soul robbing.

I grew up w/an alcoholic father and very enabling mother. She is full of zingers like this too in order to protect herself. I can never expect my mother will protect me from her own abusive behavior. Its hard to face a betrayal like this whether a child or adult child.

She infected your husband. As a mother she disregarded her own child's primary attachment. And then she disrupted your primary attachment to your then new husband. This is sick.

Children of alcoholics can experience the worst form of abuse from the non-alcoholic parent. The good news is you are now an adult. As an adult you can find safe places to articulate this pain and protect yourself from your mothers chronic abusive way with you.

I have not suffered this kind of atrocity you are suffering. But I note similar aspects to my husbands betrayals and my mothers. I live several hundred miles away from my mother and keep my own emotional distance to keep safe. I have always longed to have a close relationship with her. I suppose its in our DNA to want this primary attachment to be in tact. It would have been nice to lean on her during trying times in my life. Unfortunately she does not have the capacity to support me. I've been fooled many times.

If at some point you decide to forgive--- it will be for yourself. It won't be to help your mother to continue to abuse you. She needs you to maintain a specific role. Whatever role that is ie "scapegoat" you are inadvertently remaining to serve has to be abandoned by you and your husband.

This MB program is a healthy model to follow. I know I received poor modeling in my childhood home. Dr Harley has carefully mapped out a healthy marital model to help push past the most damaging circumstances. Right now worry less about forgiving, trusting and being gracious (whatever that means to your mother) and serious seek safety.

2 months ago you discovered that two people who were supposed to love & protect you are liars, cheats, and they have no morals.


These 2 liars/cheats had no problem repeatedly shoving a knife in your back.


Your husband and your mother were so consumed with themselves that they ABANDONED their roles as 'father' and 'grandmother'. This was THEIR choice.


WH and OWWM (other-woman-wayward-mother) are likely to continue to lie to you in the future to hide their other hidden sins.


OWWM turned in her "mother card' for the OWWM card, and has voluntarily excommunicated herself from your life.


Many lives will never be the same. A family is ruined because of adultery/lies/selfishness/foolishness/lust/sin.


What the hell can WH do to 'make up for' for screwing OWWM for 4 years?
Just curious if you have an answer.


WH has never been a good husband, a good father, a good man.
Now that you see the light, WH is having his "come to Jesus" moment out of desperation.
Is this sincere? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Is WH a man who has a life-time of BAD HABITS and SELFISH BEHAVIORS? Most certainly.
Can WH change?
It will take years. Maybe 10 or more before WH can permanently unlearn a life-time of bad habits.



The MB concept to terminate a dangerous & abusive marriage applies.
Plan A is 100% a BAD IDEA.


Good for him. Want to test WH's sincerity?? Tell WH you want him to give you everything you ask for in a divorce. Only then will you recognize WH a changed man. An unselfish man.



You should DEAL with the facts. You should not try to "get past" the facts.
The fact is that these two people, WH and OWWM are both too dangerous to be around. They will ruin your future happiness.
The fact is that you are going to remain weak in their eyes unless you take positive steps to extricate them both from your daily life.



My opinion:
Divorce WH and get the most generous settlement possible.
Divorce OWWM and never look back. She is poison. Let God judge her. You protect yourself from her evil.

Call your Dad.
Tell him about the 4 years of adultery.
Ask for his support.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I found some threads that the affair partners were family members.

I hope they help.
Delta's WH had an affair with her sister
Jimflint's WW had an affair with his brother

I agree with everything Pepperband wrote. This level of betrayal is astonishing. The only thing I would add is that you should not be afraid to confront anyone who knew about this and kept it secret from you. (I'm hoping that doesn't include your father or other family members.)

Coupled with 20 years of other abusive behaviors ... This is a WALL, not a door.

I have not told all of my family yet. My sister and brother and both their spouses know. My step-father, who helped end the affair, has known all along. Other than that, I am unaware of anyone else in the family who knows. I do plan on telling my father, very soon.

graceful....thank you for your words of support and encouragement. It's taken a circumstance such as this for me to take a good hard outsider's look on my entire life. It's hard, but eye-opening.

I also live several hundred miles away from my mother, which is a good thing. Having no contact with her will be easy, and I will navigate through the rest of this the best I can. I see now it's going to be a slow process, taking each day as it comes, and really seeking support, common sense advice, and prayer to deal with everything I need to.

As far as I know, my step-father is the only one who knew about this. As far as confronting him, I just don't see any reason to. He is married to my mom, whom I will have no contact with from here on out. This is hard enough as it is, and to me, would create an even bigger drama.

However, he was the one to break up the affair. When he came into the picture, and my H began to realize that the affair was going to end, H went nuts; was stalking my mom outside of her apartment, showing up at her work. I guess it was craziness, and my step-father threatened him with calling the cops if he didn't knock it off. My mother was concerned that when she told me the truth about what really had gone on between the two of them, my H was going to flip out in the same way, so she told me all of this as a warning. Of course, he didn't react like that in any way, shape or form. I guess some maturity has finally been realized on his part. I just am still in shock and disgust over the whole thing, regardless of the fact that it happened over ten years ago.

You are absolutely right...he is having his "come to Jesus" moment. The man hasn't stepped foot into a church the entire time I've known him. Now, church is his salvation as he has been attending every week for the past month. He even, on a spur of the moment, was baptized this past Sunday. He is desperately seeking answers to everything that has gone wrong in our marriage, from the infidelity, to the abuse, to the just basic mechanics of not knowing how to have a healthy relationship.

We both came from alcoholic families, and his father was very abusive - physically, verbally, and emotionally. His mother divorced him when my H was young, maybe 9 or 10. But even then, his mother was extremely controlling and did her best, but even she has her own set of issues. Screaming and yelling when something went wrong, and then 5 minutes later acting like it was over with. This was the behavior that transferred into our relationship. My H would become irate over the most common marital discussions, yell and scream, and then wonder why I was scared of him or an emotional mess. Granted, the majority of this behavior occurred around the same time the A was occurring, but doesn't excuse it at all. This behavior eventually broke me down to the point where I was admitted to a psychiatric program because my psyche completely shut down. Needless to say, the effects of this have lasted to this day. Even though he doesn't behave in this manner any more, I always anticipate that he will react badly. It's a bad situation all the way around.

Pepper-

Thank you for posting that inspirational message - when I read that - well, it was exactly what I needed.