|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
WH is not the only one with bad habits. Do you know what I mean?
You need to do some unlearning as well.
Have you read anything about the "giver" and the " taker" all of us have?
Both love and care for a person. Both can be good. Both can be destructive.
Your giver cares about the needs of others. Your taker cares about the needs of you.
When you had your psych breakdown, that was your Taker grabbing the reigns and forcing you to take care of you.
Being in the Giver mode all the time is very unhealthy. Children of alcoholics often learn this as a means to survive childhood.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Here is a link that helps explain some ways you need to unlearn bad habits. Link I'm on my iPad at the Drs office. I can't seem to fix the link to Buyers Renters Freeloaders discussion on the MB 101 forum.
Last edited by Pepperband; 03/26/13 10:48 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22 |
Yes, I hear you loud and clear. My therapist has also mentioned this. It is a struggle every day for me, but I am beginning to see how that is destructive in any relationship - between husband/wife, mother/child, etc. Finding a balance between the two is essential, and that is part of what I am seeking.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1 |
Here is a link that helps explain some ways you need to unlearn bad habits. Link I'm on my iPad at the Drs office. I can't seem to fix the link to Buyers Renters Freeloaders discussion on the MB 101 forum.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
Have you told all of your family about the affair yet? I have not told all of my family yet. My sister and brother and both their spouses know. My step-father, who helped end the affair, has known all along. Other than that, I am unaware of anyone else in the family who knows. I do plan on telling my father, very soon. You said the affair occurred more than 10 years ago, and your children were young at that time. So I'm assuming they are teenagers or young adults at this point. If you haven't already told them about the affair, you should. IMO, you should tell your kids and then you should tell your dad. And you should do it today.
Last edited by JessicaClaire; 03/26/13 11:31 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22 |
Wow....thank you LongWayFromHome for that link. I am stunned at how much I've really been somewhere between a buyer/renter for almost my entire marriage. I have a lot of work to do.
Last edited by CJA; 03/26/13 11:57 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22 |
Yes, my kids are 18 and 17. Husband does not agree and does not see the point. Right now, it's a hot button.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352 |
Husband does not agree and does not see the point.
PLEASE SHUT OFF YOUR DAMN GIVER, OKAY?
Let me rephrase your sentence in a more balanced and forthright voice, with the "taker" being in its necessary dominant position during your healing!
Husband does not agree because uncovering to his children the depth and viciousness of his betrayal of his family reveals his moral failures and weaknesses, leaving them instead trying to "guess" about the problems between their two parents, and likely according both of you some responsibility.
Repeat over and over: The BS decides what is required for recovery, and steers the recovery bus. The WS is out back, pushing!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Yes, my kids are 18 and 17. Husband does not agree and does not see the point. Right now, it's a hot button. Well, that right there tells you what you need to know about his "Come to Jesus" .... It is not authentic. WH is like the man who killed both his parents, then begs for mercy from the jury because he is an orphan. WH is an abusive lying cheating man. Do you think his opinion carries much weight with us? No. Your children need to know so that they can understand why "grand-ma" is now & forever gone from your life. If they choose to have a relationship with grandma, and/or their dad, they can make that decision knowing the facts, and why they must take caution.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Are you afraid to tell your kids for fear WH will become abusive?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22 |
I am not afraid that he will become abusive (well, yeah, I kind of am afraid he will revert to verbal abuse, but he keeps telling me to stop assuming what his reactions are going to be). He told me last night that if we tell them the truth about him and my mom, then we tell them everything, i.e. the reasons why the affair happened in the first place.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I am not afraid that he will become abusive (well, yeah, I kind of am afraid he will revert to verbal abuse, but he keeps telling me to stop assuming what his reactions are going to be). He told me last night that if we tell them the truth about him and my mom, then we tell them everything, i.e. the reasons why the affair happened in the first place. Oh, this is ripe. What, pray tell, are those reasons in the first place? Edit to add: according to WH ... There are reasons .... Are the reasons mostly in your mother' s corner?
Last edited by Pepperband; 03/26/13 12:57 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22 |
No, they are on me, and my husband. The lack of intimacy, lack of affection. At the time, he had an unending need for affirmation and attention that I was unable to provide because we had a 2 year old and a 6 month old. Unfortunately, it all started before we even got married, and it definitely reverts to what I've learned on here on about givers and takers. Having kids just magnified our problems.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521 |
CJA,
You need to sit the kids down and tell them the truth.
There are reasons, but NEVER excuses for an affair.
DO NOT let H bully you into NOT being O & H with your children...all parties must be exposed to.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63 |
CJA,
Those ARE NOT reasons for your WH's affair; those were problems with your marriage. Not a SINGLE ONE of those things held his hand and drug him into an affair! He chose that path completely on his own!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
No, they are on me, and my husband. The lack of intimacy, lack of affection. At the time, he had an unending need for affirmation and attention that I was unable to provide because we had a 2 year old and a 6 month old. Unfortunately, it all started before we even got married, and it definitely reverts to what I've learned on here on about givers and takers. Having kids just magnified our problems. YOU were in the same M under the same conditions. Did YOU go to bed with your FIL? Why not?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22 |
YOU were in the same M under the same conditions.
Did YOU go to bed with your FIL? Why not? Something like that would never cross my mind. I don't care how vulnerable or miserable I was, I would never cross that line. I would never compromise myself or my family in that way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Suggested exposure to older teen children-
Kids, I am sorry to tell you this, it is very sad but you deserve to know the facts.
I can no longer allow OWWM to be a part of my life.
The facts are that WH and OWWM had a 4 year sexual affair from (year to year).
I just learned about this fact.
I can no longer have OWWM in my life.
I am not certain if our marriage will survive this cruel abuse.
Do you have any questions? I will not lie to you or try to paint things rosy when things are very bad.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22 |
Regardless of our ages, which is what also comes up in our discussions....were too young, didn't know anything about being in a relationship.....which is very true. But, it still doesn't excuse any of it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521 |
Great, Pep. Thanks.
CJA: there's your script...
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
69
guests, and
38
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
