|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Right now, it's a hot button. Hot button meaning he might explode with anger?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Regardless of our ages, which is what also comes up in our discussions....were too young, didn't know anything about being in a relationship.....which is very true. But, it still doesn't excuse any of it. Oh please .... I cannot resist .... We were too young to get married, so I had sex with MIL. We did not know anything about being in a relationship, so I had sex with MIL. It rained on my parade, so I had sex with MIL. It was a gloomy Thursday, so I had sex with MIL. I was starving for pizza and you only served chicken, so I had sex with MIL. I forgot to wind my watch, so I had sex with MIL. You were busy raising my kids, so I had sex with MIL for FOUR YEARS 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22 |
Hot button, meaning he totally disagrees with it. He doesn't see the point of dragging our kids into "our" problem. He feels like we would have to go to into intimate detail with them about all the "reasons", which I see now are excuses. And "hot button" meaning it could be something that may or may not trigger his anger, turning it around on me, and making it my fault.
Oh lord, this is a big mess. Thank you, all of you, for your advice, opinions, and support.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22 |
Regardless of our ages, which is what also comes up in our discussions....were too young, didn't know anything about being in a relationship.....which is very true. But, it still doesn't excuse any of it. Oh please .... I cannot resist .... We were too young to get married, so I had sex with MIL. We did not know anything about being in a relationship, so I had sex with MIL. It rained on my parade, so I had sex with MIL. It was a gloomy Thursday, so I had sex with MIL. I was starving for pizza and you only served chicken, so I had sex with MIL. I forgot to wind my watch, so I had sex with MIL. You were busy raising my kids, so I had sex with MIL for FOUR YEARS It's rather twisted, but I do find that quite funny! Thank you for making me laugh.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521 |
I would think a man who lived a lie that almost (could still) destroy his family would be chomping at the bit -- if he were truly committed to his wife and kids -- to EMBRACE and TELL the TRUTH to those he loved dearest.
And that would be a great FIRST step...
Please, just show the love and respect the kids deserve and tell them the truth.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 784
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 784 |
I'm sorry CJA, your husbands affair with your mother is waywardness & perversion in my opinion. Your children and future generations need to know about this to protect themselves.
History will repeat itself in some form without O& H discussion w/your children. You may not realize it ---but YOU even have the potential to betray your own children in some fashion. When I have time I will tell you about my own experience.
If you have ever had CPR training its important to STOP. LOOK. LISTEN. This is one of those crisis to do just that. You need to get into a power position.
Your husband is crumbling. He wants to quickly and discreetly mop up the mess and get back to the way things were. He can no longer take the reins and reposition in a power space over you if you don't want let him.
We are here to help you STOP. LOOK. LISTEN.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
I am not afraid that he will become abusive (well, yeah, I kind of am afraid he will revert to verbal abuse, but he keeps telling me to stop assuming what his reactions are going to be). He told me last night that if we tell them the truth about him and my mom, then we tell them everything, i.e. the reasons why the affair happened in the first place. As soon as I read "the reasons why the affair happened" I knew he was going to blame you. Do you realize that marital problems can make people more vulnerable to an affair, but they do not cause people to have affairs? Poor boundaries and a willingness to let someone other than the spouse meet intimate needs are what cause affairs. It is illogical and cruel of him to try to share the blame with you. He is 100% responsible for his own lack of boundaries. Withholding this information from your kids is wrong on so many levels. Your husband and mother didn't just betray you, they betrayed your kids as well. Your kids deserve to know what has been under the surface, crippling your marriage for all these years. They need to understand the extent of the emotional abuse you are dealing with. Their father and grandmother aren't just waywards; they are perverts. I'm sorry, but that is the truth. If you don't help your kids understand the disfunction, they may subconsciously recreate it by getting involved in abusive relationships when they grow up. If you love your kids, give them the information they need to break the cycle of abuse and protect themselves.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22 |
Thank you, graceful. I do need to get into a power position. It's long overdue.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 22 |
If you don't help your kids understand the disfunction, they may subconsciously recreate it by getting involved in abusive relationships when they grow up. If you love your kids, give them the information they need to break the cycle of abuse and protect themselves. You are so right, as it has already happened with my 16 year-old daughter; and my son, who puts everyone else's needs ahead of his own, has a hard time with relationships too. If I knew then, what I know now......
Last edited by CJA; 03/26/13 03:20 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Hot button, meaning he totally disagrees with it. He doesn't see the point of dragging our kids into "our" problem. What difference does that make? This is not a decision you make together. Just like his decision to have an affair was not a decision he made with you. Tell them, and let the chips fall where they may. THEY DESERVE THE TRUTH.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Your children deserved a faithful father. He withheld that from them.
Your children deserve the truth. Don't be the one to withhold it from them.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
Hot button, meaning he totally disagrees with it. He doesn't see the point of dragging our kids into "our" problem. What difference does that make? This is not a decision you make together. Just like his decision to have an affair was not a decision he made with you. Tell them, and let the chips fall where they may. THEY DESERVE THE TRUTH. x2! Letting your husband make this decision is like handing the car keys to a falling down drunk and then telling your kids to get in the car. Your mother's behavior was the emotional equivalent of stabbing a knife in the back of her own child, repeatedly, over the course of 4 years. Her lack of maternal, protective instincts is breathtaking. Thankfully, you are not her. You can protect your kids, and you must. Be the kind of mother your kids deserve. Be the kind of mother you deserved. Protect your kids. Tell them the truth.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4 |
Here's the radio clip of Delta who's WH had an affair with her sister. I posted her thread to you. I hope it helps. Radio Clip of WH having an affair with her sister Segment #2
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
If I knew then, what I know now...... If you don't tell your kids, they may end up saying the same thing when all of this eventually comes to light. And it will.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352 |
If I knew then, what I know now......
Wrong sentiment, friend. The proper question would be, "Given what I know now, what do I do tomorrow?"
As far as telling your children (btw: as a first start to telling your entire extended family - every aunt, uncle, cousin), place it in these terms:
Why would you want to lie to these young men?
Now a thought that it is probably not too early to cogitate on:
How desperate are you to remain married? It can almost be predicted, given WH's initial reluctance to manning-up about this, including his laughable threat to turn some blame onto you, that he will attempt the "If you go ahead (with exposure), I will leave you!" extortion ploy.
The trick is to find that sweet spot mentally/emotionally in which you very much WANT to be married, but do not in any way NEED to be married. Once you can put yourself there, the future decisions you will be presented with will seem much less draconian.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4 |
Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Hot button, meaning he totally disagrees with it. He doesn't see the point of dragging our kids into "our" problem. He feels like we would have to go to into intimate detail with them about all the "reasons", which I see now are excuses. It doesn't matter what he wants. What matters is that your children know what he did with their skanky grandmother. And he can't make it your fault unless you let him! All you have to do is say there is no excuse for an affair. You weren't meeting my needs either and I didn't have an affair with your father, so just knock it off. Your husband is about as abusive as it gets. You are a grown up woman now and it is time to put a stop to this. All of his blame shifting tells me he does not take responsibility, which means he is dangerous. If he is not responsible for commiting such an act of cruelty against you, then you can assume it will happen again. Your husband is a dangerous, abusive man.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
Yes, my kids are 18 and 17. Husband does not agree and does not see the point. Right now, it's a hot button. At 18 and 17 years of age, they aren't even "kids" anymore. They have every right to know the truth about their own lives. Neither you nor your husband have the right to deny them that. Exposing this would provide you and your teenagers with a support system, but your self-absorbed husband "does not see the point" of that. Why are you claiming he is deeply remorseful and trying his best to make amends? He is trying his best to continue the deception!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Sometimes we have to cut toxic people out of our lives to protect our health.
Just because someone is a blood relation does not mean that they are allowed to abuse you.
Your mother says that family is the good bad and ugly? Well that IS a crazy statement. Does that mean that if you are related to a serial killer you have him over for dinner every Friday night because he is "family?"
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
Four years is much longer than a typical extramarital affair, and there is something about this that makes it much worse than a SIL or BIL affair. Unlike a sibling, a mother's most basic instinct should be to protect her child. Instead of protecting you, your mother repeatedly backstabbed you. I'm wondering if there is any psychological similarity between this situation and cases where a mother gets romatically involved with one of her kid's friends, or a teacher gets romantically involved with one of her students. It seems like there is an abuse of power underlying what your mother did to you. Maybe it is related to jealousy. Regardless, she wasn't "just" having an affair with your husband; she was attacking you. Have you considered writing to Dr. Harley about this situation?
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (1 invisible),
61
guests, and
36
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
