I have to ask myself what am I holding on to? Im at that place asking myself should I get a divorce. I have to be honest one thing that angers me to not filing yet is the thought that she won (OW)

I know all the reasons why I can and maybe should, and then there is that point that says maybe there is hope that he will turn his life around. I should be caring for myself, taking care of me. I guess there I am still not ready but it angers me that our family is not a priority to him.

This is my one small bit of advice.

You must realize that all you can control is you.

You can't fix him, you can't plead, coerce, force, etc. him to do anything or be anything. That is on him.

You can help you. That is all you can do. How that influences others is up to them.

Make things better for you.

pf, in your shoes (with two adult children, rather than younger children who might give your H a sense of responsibility) I would be in a proper Plan B now with a view to filing for divorce soon - and staying in Plan B after the divorce.

Exactly how soon depends on when you feel ready to divorce, and other things such as whether there are financial or medical benefits that you gain from staying married. If there is money coming the way of either of you, such as an insurance policy that is due to mature, a lawyer's advice should be sought to work out which status will benefit you more.

Filing for divorce does not necessarily mean that you are moving on. It might be that it takes a long time for a divorce to be final (it does here in the UK) and that you are preparing yourself for the eventuality that he stays with OW and your feelings die, and you want to be able to date again easily in a few years. You can file for divorce to protect yourself financially. For example; is he spending any joint money on her? Is he running up debts that you will be jointly liable for? If so, a divorce will put an end to his having access to your money.

So what I'm saying is, there are sometimes good reasons to divorce now and sometimes good reasons to stay legally married. You need to work out your options with a lawyer.

Divorce does not mean that OW won, BTW. It would be an act of empowerment for you to say that you do not want to be married to this cheating scumbag and she, the gutter tart, can have him. Stop worrying about what it means to her and start considering what it means to you.

X100 on this.

Also, the OW will not win if you divorce. Remember, she gets the scumbag that cant think with the right head. You get happiness, less stress, peace. Sounds to me like you'd win that hands down.

I wanted to change the title of this but not sure how. If I knew how I would change it to LIVING A LIFE I DON'T WANT TO LIVE. Easter was depressing maybe because of where I found myself spending it. Maybe it was a realization of what I don't want.
Easter morning I received a call from my friend who invited me and the kids to dinner at her place. Although I really didn't want to go I felt it was better to get out of the house as I didn't feel like cooking myself.

We all dressed and went over her place it was a small crowd, my friend and her kids, her mom and her grandchildren who she is raising and myself and my kids. No husband/fathers! Here we were three women abandoned in one way or another by their spouses with children. At one point I sat there looking at them knowing they felt the same pain I have been carrying and all I could say in my heart was, THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT TO LIVE.

Someone once said in a preaching or some Oprah show that we attract to us who we are...power of attraction or something to that effect.

The life that I want is one that includes him that was what all my plans and visions were about. At our age it was now down to us. The kids are starting to leave the nest and it was suppose to be our time. Maybe I waited too long and should have had our time all along.

Are you going into Plan B? Have an IM?

I am in plan B ended all contact! I am in a town where I am away from all my family. All I have here are my children. I haven't been able to return to church as long as this has been going on. Well lets just say I've been isolating. Not sure what you mean by IM ***EDIT***

For the protection of our members, forum rules do not allow contact details to be posted.

An intermediary for any communication that may need to happen.

Here IM Training School

Oh yes I have one but there has been no need for one. There's been no contact from either end. I let him know who in the letter to spouse I sent him.

Good.

What are you doing for yourself while in Plan B? Self care is vital.

Enrich your life.
Try out a new sport/hobby.
Volunteer.
Host a tea party for your girlfriends.
Take a shut-in some flowers and a meal.
Go to the library and take out 5 books. Weekly.
Take singing lessons.
Take dance lessons.
Plant a garden.
Ask your elderly neighbors if they need any help with grocery shopping.
Ask your young neighbors if they need a baby sitter Saturday night.

Look at what you wrote ~~~>LIVING A LIFE I DON'T WANT TO LIVE

WELL, get busy changing that.
Your life will never be perfect, but it is certainly worth living.

That's really it, its been 3 weeks since he's been gone I kind of fell into a slump and lack desire to do anything. And pretty much everything I've been doing is studying and reading about MB and how to prepare myself about this situation.

I don't understand why Plan B is so difficult for me this time. In December just before he came back home saying all the right things at least I thought (didn't say the one true tell which I realize now) I was doing so great. No contacting my but off, it had gotten so easy to fight that I wouldn't answer one call or email or FB even the day he came back after calling my daughter to ask her to have me answer I said NOOOO!! As usual he came up with a story as to how bad his life is now and how he needs his family yada yada yada.

This was about a 3 month stay this last time, and now I am finding it extremely difficult to get out of what I call obsessive thinking. Just all day and night even having dreams about him and I'm not one to dream much. I may have too much information on this affair than I needed.

In this teeter totter of the back and forth I worry that this last time I caused myself some self inflicted wounds.

I go back and forth on divorce, don't divorce, you don't have to decide that today.

I had gotten to a point in december where I said come January its a new life for me, I will file for divorce and live life as I wanted it, not gonna lie a big help in that department were the two male friends (emotional affairs) I was involving myself in which I came clean about rather proudly to my WH and then ended. I had no problem doing this for him. I was really a act of vengeance. Not proud of it and I tried to make amends for it to H. And it was good for a while he was really doing and saying the right things, but then began to contact the OW again and the proof came quickly.

Anyway I wonder if having had him home these last three months where I was in a plan A to the best of my latin ability and seemed to be making strides made it all the more difficult when he messed up again. He even confessed he didn't want to leave the house (yeah but you weren't giving up the affair either) cake eater!!

Plan Bing but this time it's much more difficult, having in the past had a support system and looking after the last false recovery I lost a lot that due to friends feeling he wasn't going to change at least not that quickly and staying away. I also haven't been able to face people thinking it failed again kind of shame.

I know all the reasons why I shouldn't want my husband, heck they are the same reasons he shouldn't want this other woman. The little voice of hope at times can be the most annoying thing.

You love him, that's why. Your love for him is hurting you right now.
He's such a fool for not recognizing the greatest love this world will ever offer him. The love of a woman who knows his flaws and is willing to forgive and live a better life with him.

His foolishness irritates me a LOT !

Pepperband thank you for saying that. I have been fighting saying that out loud that I do love him as if I have to be ashamed of that too being so In Love with a man that doesn't love me back.

The hard love buster to fight to change is that physical attractiveness thing. Its 23 years of marriage been together 30 and actually we first dated when we were 13 so its been a almost lifelong relationship. I have put on too much weight 50 lbs and got very comfortable with my appearance assured that he loved me for me not considering that it was one of the things if not the major thing that drew him to me in the first place. I am working on taking the weight off already lost 9 since he left three weeks ago on Adkins and drinking lots of water, some was also due to sadness.

It is hard to tell what you are currently doing, but there are some things in your post above that still seem to show you really don't understand the plan.



Plan B doesn't involve not answering him or his calls or his emails, etc.

It involves not getting them. No Contact. Not no returned contact.

This is a big distinction. Not sure you get it.

mmmherb I could change my phone number but the majority of the calls he makes to me are at my job and that number I cannot change. I gave him the no letter to H but he is not sticking to it and will call or contact my daughter at times he knows we will be together like when we are driving home as we commute together back and forth to work.

Any suggestions on how I can take no contact further?

Hang up within 3 seconds.

Here's one:

"Daughter, your father's actions in carrying on his affair are causing me great distress. Please do not talk to him on the phone when I am around."

I thought of that all on my own.

He is not going to honor your letter any more that he is going to honor his vows to you. It is up to you.

There are ways.

I am not a big Star Wars guy, but I love the Yoda quote:

"Do, or do not. There is no try."