Hi,

This is my first post. Hoping I can get some guidance and advice. I just (4 months ago)ended an ongoing affair which lasted about a year. After reading Dr. Harley's book (Surviving an Affair) the nature of my marital breakdown reminds me of Amy's and Jon's only I'm Amy and my wife is Jon.

I know that the kind of affair I had was brutal on my wife and the most difficult to recover from. I think I've left only one or two love units in her account.

However, my wife and I have decided to give our relationship a chance to recover and become better than it ever was. It's been difficult because even though we've read the books we still don't know what's the very next step.

Do we (A) Sign the marital agreement and fill out the emotional needs questionnaire or(B)List my extreme precautions and give them time to work as proof of me taking every opportunity for our recovery to work. Maybe it's none of the above. Either way I need help or advice in understanding what people's first steps towards recovery looked liked.

Part of the reason why my marriage fell apart is because my wife and I started spending less and less quality time together. We had been friends for 10 years before we were married and I really looked at her as being my best friend. It's still proving to be very difficult for us to schedule time to be together and even work on these first steps. We both know that Dr. Harley suggests a minimum of 15 hours a week;so any advice on how to get over the residual pain and anguish and time management tips would be helpful.

Looking forward to being apart of this forum and learning from those who are on the same path to marital recovery and building as I am.

It's late and I'm heading to bed but wanted to give you a quick welcome to MB. You've done so well just starting a thread and posting. I'll send over a couple former wayward husband friends of mine.

I also think you might consider asking to have this thread moved to the surviving an affair forum. Much more suitable for your situation as you've just ended your affair.

First question...is OW gone...as in out of your life forever and you don't see her, work with her and won't even possibly run into her around town???? You say it's been 4 months since "it" ended but has it been 4 months since you've seen or spoken with OW?

We just really really want to see and know that there has been a permanent nail put in that illicit relationship first because moving forward with MB is pointless until the affair is REALLY REALLY REALLY completely over FOREVER.

Godspeed,

Mr. W

Hi Micalex, welcome to Marriage Builders. The first step is to affair proof your marriage and change the environment that led to the affair. Where did you have your affair? Where did you meet this OW? Have you ended all contact?

The first step is to end all contact with her and change your boundaries with members of the opposite sex. You and your wife could have had a great marriage, but if your love bank is open to others, then you would have still had an affair. Correcting your boundaries is a first step.

Another first step is to never spend the night apart again. Spend all of your leisure time together and open up your lives to each other. That means sharing all pass words, email accounts, everything. She should have access to everything.

The affair should be exposed to family, close friends and your children. If the OW is married, her husband should be notified by your wife. There are many reasons for this, but mainly the more people who know, the more people to hold you accountable and support your marriage.

So once you have been affair proofed, the next step is create a romantic marriage using the basic concepts of Marriage Builders. A good guide in this would be the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. They sell it for $11 on this website and it complements the books, SAA and Lovebusters. There is a worksheet in the back of the book that will help you schedule your undivided attention time.


Her residual pain will take about 2 years to go away, IF you make amends to her following these steps. If not, resentment can linger forever. The way you find the 20+ hours of UA time is to put aside less important things. Sit down once a week and write out your schedule. Line up babysitters, if you have small children, and make plans for the week. This time is best spent out on dates meeting the intimate emotional needs.

How is your wife? Does she want to come here and post?

IMO, it's all the above!

You cannot sit back and rest at all. You must also make every effort to resist becoming discouraged as you proceed.


Please read this thread;
Link to thread on Extraordinary Precautions

As Mr.W & MelodyLane have already asked about No Contact, Ill sit back and wait for your replies to their questions before commenting any further.

Quick FYI, I've been where you are.... MB does work.

Welcome to MB.

1. Is your BW also reading this thread?
2. Where/how did you meet OW?
3. To whom was your adultery exposed?
4. Did you write a no contact letter and have it approved by BW?

Again, welcome.

STEP ONE:

Make certain you never see or speak to or run into OW ever again.

Hi

Thanks so much for your replies.They were a lot quicker than I expected. WOW!!!

In response to the questions by Mr. W and Melodylane...YES... the relationship with OW was terminated 4 months ago. There has been no contact since then. I met OW whilst living in Canada. She was unmarried. I was a manager at a retail clothing store and OW was a customer who I would talk to from time to time. After about a year if knowing her we started talking about personal problems and a relationship started which led to the affair. Once the affair was exposed I separated from my wife (BS) and lived with OW for about 7 months. During that time my BS moved back to our original home in the Caribbean. The relationship with OW also started going downhill very quickly once the realities of life with this person were clear. I decided that the relationship was doing more harm than good to my mental health and made the decision to leave.

Initially I moved to another end of the city we lived in then finally when I realised that this person still wanted to be in my life i decided to move back to the Caribbean myself. Initially there was a real struggle not to reach out to her (just to find out if she was ok. Guilt and shame were my best friends but now I am not even tempted.

Of the 5 years my wife and I have been married this had been my only affair. I thought I was very good at defining my boundaries but my BS and I have discussed correcting my boundaries with people of the opposite sex as well as some other extreme measures including sharing access to email accounts etc.

My BS is ok. I know she is still in a lot of pain and it hurts me so much to know that I am the cause of this pain. However,she had been been the one that introduced me to Dr. Harley's books whilst the affair was still active and encouraging me to open up to others on this website. I am so happy she had done so because I know not only does it give me a sign of hope but no matter how things eventually work out we would both become better people through this process. I will ask her if she wants to come here and post.

Thanks for all the encouragement guys including the advice on purchasing the workbook as well as your advice HerPapaBear on not sitting back and rest.

OK. Here you go ....

Click the link and watch the 30 minute video.

*** LINK ***

Hi PepperBand. Yes my BW is also reading this thread. She has been a member of marriage builders for some time now I think. My adultery was exposed to my BW first and now everyone we both know...knows. I never wrote a no contact letter. I simply let the OW know how I felt and that the relationship was a mistake and that we should stop seeing each other.

Have you changed all contact information?

Welcome to MB. It is the best place for gaining the information to recover a marriage after an affair.

Does your wife post on the forums? If so, what is her name on here?

AM

Yes. All contact information has been changed.

Good question armymama. I know that she does post but I don't know her member ID. I'll have to ask her.

Are you living together (with your wife) now?

Micalex,

Did I understand correctly that you are now living in a different country from OW?

You referenced the "Surviving an Affair" book. Have you read it? Have you read any other of Dr. Harley's books, i.e. are you aware of Marriage Builder's principles?

AM

What EPs have you put in place?

Have you affair proofed your marriage?

What EPs have you given your BW?

My wife and I are not living in the same place right now. I have read the Surviving an Affair book. My wife has also read that book as weel as a couple others written by Dr. Harley including "His needs, Her needs". I have a few suggested EP's which have been briefly discussed with my wife however I have not suggested any for my wife. I guess I feel that I shouldn't be the one pointing fingers or making demands of her for fear that they are interpreted as selfish demands. I feel strongly that we need to actually be obeying all of the rules but my wife keeps saying that she wants to take things slowly. I feel like we are compromising because of fear of not upsetting each other' but to me the fact is that if we do not spend the time necessary together to discuss our emotional needs and our EP's then we will not go further as these to me are the first steps.

Extraordinary Precautions that you need to come up with to protect your wife. They are your promise to her to not hurt her again.

What conditions allowed your affairs? What Have you done to not allow the conditions to happen again?

How are you protecting your love bank from others (besides your wife) to making deposits?

What just compensation have you given your BW?

You had the affair and must do the work to repair the damage.

Your wife is very smart to protect herself.

Have you apologized to any of your other victims? Your children? Her family?

Also, what conditions have your BW given you to work on recovery?

Have you met those? How have you used the rule of protection?

Excellent radio clip where Dr. H talks about what a WH should do for his wife to give him another try after his affairs. He explains it like an addict.

Radio Clip on a WH on what to do to get back with his wife 3:50 mark

The extraordinary precautions I've taken so far are:
(1) Moving away from OW. changing all contact information. Not interacting with her in any way

(2) Severing communication with other women I know had feelings for me or with whom I shared intimate information with. One of my close friends who actually encouraged me to go back to my wife and family is female though (godmother to my first daughter) My wife wants me to severe all communication with this person too but how do I do this when this person is always going to be in my daughters life.

(3)No time spent with people of the opposite sex.

(4) I want to give my BS access to all my email and bank accounts but shesays that she is not ready for me to do so.

I hink these are the 4 precautions that would prevent me from having an affair in the future. My need for recreational fulfillment is very high on list. S cutting oof all opportunity for fulfillment by anyone other than my wife would prevent it from happening.

My BS had asked that I take anger management classes; that I show proof that I had not chemical addiction issues (OW) had issues with addiction; and that all interaction with OW be severed.I fulfilled all these requests.

I have also been using the Rule of Protection.