Well simple get a new god daughter. You have to learn to put your wife first and is she is uncomfortable with this god mother then she has to go. Sharing intimate details with the OS cause affairs, a poster here recently had her own mother have an affair with her WH. No one is immune that's why you take EPs

These are a good start.

Did you read HerPapaBear's list of EPs?

Did you listen to the radio clip?

If your BW wants you to severe contact with this OW, why wouldn't you jump at the chance to do it to save your marriage?

Is your marriage and your BW really your priority?

Do you REALLY understand how awful your BW feels? She needs to be your queen. Your EVERYTHING.

Are you coming back to your BW, down on your knees with your hat in hand, willing to do WHATEVER it takes to earn your BW back?

Why should she take you back?

Have you given her just compensation?

We see way too many Waywards coming on these boards trying to "pretend" to work the MB program, just to end up hurting their betrayed spouse again.

I would just give her all your passwords and prove to her you are 100% transparent.

Do not push her, but give her time.

What are her top ENs?

I did read HerPapaBear's list of EP's and just finished listening to the radioclip. Everything listed or said is true. I I am not "pretending" to work the MB program. Took me a few weeks of reading the information on the website before I decided to join the discussion board. I simply think I've reached a stage where I need to get advice from others on what the initial steps forward looked like for them so that I know what to expect.

I understand fully the hurt that I caused because I've been on the opposite end of such pain albeit not whilst being married and I know that the pain I've caused is 100 times worst. I know things need time. Not pushing my BS at all. Sometimes I don't think I deserve her love or forgiveness for that matter but the point is that we decided to follow the narrow path to recovery and once I put my mind to something I'm fully into it. To not be that way is to set myself up for failure.

I would like to understand more though the entire idea of just compensation

In the meantime I'll list out in entirety my list of EP's and give my BS 100% access to my email, cellphone and bank accounts so that she knows that I want to be 100% transparent.

Good.

Here is an excellent article on just compensation.
Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Have you had any AOs?

How is your POJA? Are you working?

What are your BW's ENs?

Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question

Yes I have had a couple angry outbursts. The POJA has not yet been signed. BW wants to take things really slowly as I said in a previous post. I had to abandon my old job once I decided to leave OW. Still looking for a new one.

BW and I have only discussed our emotional needs. ENQ not actually been written out but she says her top needs are Honesty and Openness, Affection and Admiration.

Have considered and still considering emailing Dr. Harley.

You use POJA when you and your BW are making a decision together. It's used when you're negotiating. That can be used with even the smallest of decisions.

Has there ever been abuse in your relationship?

Have you seen this?
Anger Management 101

This is going to take time. Although the path we all take for recovery may be the same, you cannot expect your recovery process to look the same as others.

We will help guide you if you're patient with us and with your wife.

What you must first understand is, recovery is not an event, it's a plan for a new way of living.
It's not 6 easy steps and then your done..... It's forever steps that are refined as time passes. But you can only do it one day at a time.





Unless you've been abandoned and thrown out like the trash by your wife, all the while knowing she was having sex with some drugged POS OM for month after month without one shred of concern for how it affected you and your children.....

You really have no understanding of the pain she has endured.

I know you mean no harm saying this, but it will cause your W to endure great pain if you maintain that you "understand" how she feels.





Although you and I may see this as admirable....

This scares the hell' out of our BS's

You and I both demonstrated that when we put our mind to shutting out our wife's, we were fully into it!
When we set our minds to letting another person meet our needs, we were fully into it!

See what I mean?

Don't expect a pat on the back from your wife for having this A-Type personality. Yes we may be driven, but without the proper boundaries, our drive will lead off straight off of cliffs..... And our wives will always have the memories of what they experienced because of this self will run riot.

Stay focused on what YOU need to do for recovery. Do NOT expect anything from your wife for a long time.





You do not have the luxury of AO's any more. Your wife shouldn't let you back in her life until these have been eliminated!



You asked about Just Compensation..... Read the articles on this web site, not just the forum. You can use the search tab and find them by typing in the key word you want to know more about.

Are you still drinking or smoking weed or using any drugs? Even casually?

You don't have a job and you've only made 10 posts in the last 30 hours. She asked you to post here so it appears to me you aren't really engaging but doing the minimum required to appease your wife. It appears your wife might be willing to give you a second chance....how desperate are you to save your marriage and relationship with your wife or do you just want to go through the motions and get your family back?

Other waywards arriving here have posted 10 posts an hour, granted you've already read the books and materials so you should be light years ahead of the game but I believe your wife likely wants you to post here so she can get a grasp on what you are thinking about her and this whole situation and also because she trusts us to be objective and either conclude that she is safe TRYING to recover with you or not. You may think we are just anonymous people on web but to your betrayed wife, we were likely her lifeline to sanity while you were off gallivanting about with another woman abandoning your wife AND children.

When things get tough...you disappear. What's different?

Do you think life just kind of happened to you? Did you just hit some bad luck? Were you unable to resist it, as in the old...we can't help who we fall in love with defense? Are you hung up on your childhood issues, because you aren't a child anymore and your kids need a man to parent them so they don't end up with their own childhood issues? Do you still think OW is a good person? If you are a Christian, have you considered the word "repentance"? What's repentance mean to you?

I need to find Mortarman's "Role of husbands" post for you to ponder.

We want you to THINK and we (and your wife) need you to respond. Just express yourself. You're bound to have some foggy thinking (we are all foggy to some degree or another) but if you don't put your thinking out there, then no one here can help you clear your head of nonsense and assist you and your wife done the road towards recovery. Also, as of now, I'm not impressed with your efforts and I think your wife should maintain a safe distance from you (and that's coming from a guy that usually encourages couples to live together during recovery).

Just talk to us.

Mr. Wondering

How are you doing?
Are you eating well? Getting enough sleep? Are you finding time to exercise?

Self care is very important. You cannot afford to slip into depressive habits if you want to impress upon your BW what a great spouse you can turn yourself into.

The other benefit of self care is that it can help keep your "TAKER" happy.

Are you aware that AO's happen when your "TAKER" wants to take charge?


Do you know what I am talking about when I discuss "GIVER & TAKER"?

Your "TAKER" is not necessarily a bad guy. He's looking out for you .... but at the expense of your BW. The "GIVER" side of you is not necessarily the good guy. He's willing to have your needs go unmet to make others happy.




POJA is Dr Harley's tool to stop the struggle between givers & takers when a mutual decision must be made. You don't 'sign' POJA .... you practice POJA and you develop POJA into a healthy marital habit.

Edit to add:
Click the LINK to Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders in my sig line. This explains Dr Harley's Giver/Taker position.

PS:

Lazy people hate POJA.

All I can do is listen to what you are saying. Again I am here for advice and guidance and I am extremely grateful for it. Sorry that I don't post as often as others. Honestly I don't like thinking about this issue every second of the day. Knowing th hurt I caused and dredging up still very recent bad memories is difficult. But I know that it shouldn't be. I haven't been drinking or smoking weed for a very long time even whilst I was with OW.

Yes my BS has been encouraging me to participate in this forum because I do not like sharing personal information on social networks so that is why I've waited so long. Had a conversation with BS last night and told her I do not want her coaching me on how to participate on this forum because that will just feed into her resentment that somehow I am not willing on my own.

Yes I am trying to take care of myself. Yes I've read about the taker and giver inside me. Think I really need to pay more attention to the lessons on POJA.

Thanks for pointing me in the right direction.

Was your response helpful and reassuring to your BW? Did she feel the love bank deposit after your remark?

Over 17 years ago, my dear beloved husband was just about where you are today. Up the poo creek with no paddle, and his canoe was about to tip over.
I had both feet out the door when Mr Pep said something to me that the marriage counselor told him to tell me. It's a secret code. Mr Pep still says it to me on a daily basis. And, I to him. You need to start this without expectations. And, you need to do this on a consistent basis.

Did you read this? Thoughts?

In response to a previous post/question. In November last year after deciding to leave OW... I enrolled in a Mental Health program and on leaving Canada I started going to private counselling sessions to deal with my challenges. I do not want to only be a better husband and father but a better person. If I don't Change then there will be no change in the relationship I have with others.

I think the first point of change is one of attitude.

Agreed.