Would you say you are a happy person, M?

M,

You talked about having had angry outbursts. Have you ever been physically violent with your wife? You talked about an anger management program. Did you attend/complete an anger management program? Have you read Dr. Harley's material about angry outbursts? If not, the escalation of selfish demands, disrepectful judgements, and angry outbursts is covered in Dr. Harley's book, "Lovebusters".


AM

Just read the article on just compensation. Really did not understand before how important the POJA is but now it is clear. I have to be honest in saying that previously all I wanted was for my BS to forgive me but really what I should focus on is ensuring that she as well as all those I've offended are justly compensated.

Thanks again BrainHurts.

Good job you!!!

Yes i was physically violent. The truth is also that once I realized how wrong it was for me to become physical or to have angry outbursts instead of going to counselling for my problem I chose to confide in someone who eventually became my OW. Ironically I ran to someone who eventually became more physically violent than I had ever been. That in itself made me realize how terrible of a husband and I actually was and the guilt and shame led me to attempt suicide.

I knew that the only way to have any sort of a relationship with my BS which is what I really want or anyone for that matter would be to get professional help so I enrolled in a Mental Health Programme. Which dealt with my issues of anger, tendency to go into depression when sad and even engage in excesses when happy. I did complete the programme and then followed it up by continuing to go to individual counseling.

I did read Dr. Harley's material about angry outbursts in Surviving an Affair but I think I need to read his book Love Busters.

It is an ongoing struggle...every day I am learning and applying the new tools I learn. I guess a huge part of my problem is that I am so anxious to regain the love I lost. It hurts knowing too the damage I may have inflicted on my kids and the trauma caused to family members. I've not been the most patient individual...my work life has always been one of needing to get things done in the shortest possible time or eesponding to emergency situations. so in all of this one of the things I am learning is patience.

Well, experience can be a very effective teacher, if you pay attention!
Mr Pep is in AA ... I am exposed to many AA mottos. One of my favorites is:

Progress not perfection.

Mr M, I see you making some progress. More insight is headed your way.

Keep reading & keep posting. You will not 'get it' all at once, but if you keep reading & posting, you will get it.

There is a season for all things. I worked in the medical field. I know how to respond/triage in an emergency. I understand the pulse quickening buzz of the ED.

Relationships can sometimes end up in the Emergency Department. But, that's not where they are grown.

Relationship are like a garden. You learn & read about how to grow things. You gather the correct tools. You prepare the soil. You plant seeds. You water & nurture the seedlings. You weed out what is unwanted. You patiently observe the miracle of growing something.

You don't usually get anywhere by yelling at the seedlings to "HURRY UP!"

You sent it in an Earlier post BrainHurts. Listened to part1 and 2. Going to listen to 3 and 4 after lunch.

Never really had a green thumb Lol! Actually your post makes me think now that maybe I should actually start growing something. Maybe as my plants grow so too will my marriage.

Well, you mentioned your lack of patience .... so growing things is an excellent way to develop that skill.

Fantastic.

The Best lesson I learned from it, was that no one makes me lose my temper. I control that.

Finished listening to 3& 4.
Enforces some of the stuff I learnt in counseling Best thing about this site is that it's chuck full of resources.

I also listed my EP's. My wife and I had planned to have lunch together tomorrow so I am going to take the opportunity to present them to her after which I will post them on the forum.

Good.

What are your EPs that you're going to give her?

1. No contact ever again with affair partner
2. Email, social network, Skype passwords shared
3. Send schedule every weekend of how my time is going to be spent for the following week
4. Access to all bank accounts
5. No intimate conversations with a female
6. No flirting
7. No flirting ( or being charming)
8. Women kept at arms length
9. No porn
10. No nights apart once we start living together again
11. No recreational activities with people of opposite sex
12. No consumption of alcohol

I also had a conversation with my daughter's godmother this evening and thanked her for her support in helping me come to my senses but I have taken a decision not to discuss my personal life with her anymore.

Regarding #9, porn.
It may be important (for your wife) for you to define exactly the sort of material you will avoid.

POJA pretty much fixes most things.
You want to look at a magazine with sexy models in bikinis? POJA.
"Honey, how do you feel about me buying the Sports Illustrated Bikini issue?"

Recreational activity includes email, social networks, Skype, etc....

It's not enough to just share the passwords.

Can you eliminate these things with women, or do you need to eliminate social media completely?

I hear you pepperband. I will more clearly define the specific kinds of material I would exclude. Firstly there is absolutely no reason for me to watch online porn, read pornographic material or visit strip bars or places like that so definitely those things would be cut off. But like you said when it comes to magazines or books or even the kind of "Hollywood" movies I want to watch POJA would have to be applied.

Those questions you asked HerPapaBear are difficult ones. getting rid of my facebook account (which is the only social network I am a part of other than this one) would not allow me to keep in contact with the family members,male friends, groups and companies as well as a few ex co-workers that I have on there. What I have done recently is delete everyone from my page who does not fall within that category. My career has been mostly in the field of Communications and more so developing ICT material for government,businesses and community groups. Many of the websites I've developed require the inclusion of social networks and a key part of developing the right social network for my clients or employers is studying what is trending in the field (facebook takes a lead in this way).

All in all i will discuss with my wife why anyone who is on my network or even on my Skype account is there; discuss whether there is anyone who should not be there based upon that explanation and remove them.

I am committed to showing my wife that I love her more than anyone else so if I need to inevitably eliminate social networks completely I would do so but this would mean that I would have to change my career entirely. So be it!

What about a joint Facebook with your BW?

Does she want you to get rid of Facebook?