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#2720898 04/20/13 08:43 AM
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Almnac Offline OP
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I found out 10 wks ago that my husband of 4 yrs was having an affair. He only admitted it when I found lots of photos. He says it had been going on for 6 months and she was living in a rental property we own. She is a former secretary of his. I am pregnant with our third child and due in 9 weeks now. I have very difficult pregnancies and our first two children have been born very early. He claims to want to fix our marriage, and I am desperate to. I have read all the books and he finished his needs her needs and part of surviving. He acts like we are fantastic, but I just dug through his iPad and found where he has been having some contact with her. He is a smart man and I have suspected all along that he had no intention of ending the affair, but just hiding it better. He claimed I was not meeting his needs sexually, which I find difficult to believe, but for the past ten weeks I definitely have been! I just have no trust for him at all and I don't know how to move forward. I am depressed and I know that it is not good for this new baby, not to mention trying to raise two toddlers while exhausted and sad. I just don't know what is next or how to move forward. I want my marriage at all costs, but I do not want to be a doormat who just continually accepts lies.


Me-32
WH-47
D Day 2/1/13
Affair is ongoing as far as I know, though he claims otherwise.
DS-3 yrs, DD 16 months, baby #3 due 6/13
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Originally Posted by Almnac
I found out 10 wks ago that my husband of 4 yrs was having an affair. He only admitted it when I found lots of photos. He says it had been going on for 6 months and she was living in a rental property we own. She is a former secretary of his.

I am pregnant with our third child and due in 9 weeks now. I have very difficult pregnancies and our first two children have been born very early.

He claims to want to fix our marriage, and I am desperate to.

I have read all the books and he finished his needs her needs and part of surviving. He acts like we are fantastic, but I just dug through his iPad and found where he has been having some contact with her.

He is a smart man and I have suspected all along that he had no intention of ending the affair, but just hiding it better. He claimed I was not meeting his needs sexually, which I find difficult to believe, but for the past ten weeks I definitely have been!

I just have no trust for him at all and I don't know how to move forward. I am depressed and I know that it is not good for this new baby, not to mention trying to raise two toddlers while exhausted and sad.

I just don't know what is next or how to move forward. I want my marriage at all costs, but I do not want to be a doormat who just continually accepts lies.

I took the liberty of adding paragraphs for our eyes (readability).

Welcome to MB.

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There is only one small part of your story that I think you need to change as soon as possible.

This:
Quote
I am desperate

The bad news:
You cannot force WH to change.

The good news:
You are in control of your attitude.
If your attitude is one of desperation, your WH has you over a barrel.
Desperation will cause you to capitulate and tolerate more than necessary.

You cannot make good decisions if you are afraid.

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Your 'to do' list:

NOTE: Next post changes the order or priority!

1. Tell your medical provider all about this crisis. You need STD testing. You need support for your emotional roller coaster.

2. Exposure. Tell everyone all about the infidelity. We call this "exposure". Do this all at once without any warning to WH (wandering husband).
If OW is married, or has a boyfriend,he is to be told right away.
WH's parents are a very important exposure target.
If your children are older than 6 years, they need to be told in age appropriate language.

3. Have a close friend or a relative help you select a family law attorney. You need to go see an attorney without threatening WH that you "might" see an attorney. Seeking legal help will not end your marriage. It might cause your WH to realize you are a woman to be reckoned with. You need to be 100% aware of your legal rights if WH should leave you, or threaten to leave you. You cannot rely on a liar to protect you. You must protect yourself.

4. Get to the bank. Transfer all the money from any joint account into a new account. Waywards cannot be trusted when it comes to driving the family into debt.

Can you do this? Just 4 items to begin.

Right now, because you are pregnant, you should not focus too much on Plan A. Plan A is VERY stressful. You cannot affort to add to your stress.

No love-busters, but other than that, focus on self care and self protection.

OK? hug

Last edited by Pepperband; 04/20/13 09:41 AM.
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Here is the most sensible order of business:

Start with the bank. It is easily done. Stealthily secure your money.
Then - expose. Everyone all at once.
Then go to a lawyer for advice. Become educated, not fearful.
Then go to your health care provider. Ask for help.

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Almnac,

I'm brand new here (without a clue) on my own thread. But I agree vehemently about getting tested for STDs! I have no proof, but I am pretty sure my husband has just gone underground too.

The only other thing I can say is that I am so very sorry for all of your pain. No one deserves this.


Me:BW 45
Him:WH 48
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SS21
DD21
SS18
DD17
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Almnac - Newcomers always ask:

"Is there any hope?"

Yes.
Absolutely.
Yes.

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You will see and hear a different side of your husband because of him being illogical in his thinking. This was or is heavily influenced by the A, and you must follow these steps to have the best chance of him seeing the reality of what he got involved in.

It will take time, but if done right there is the chance he will come out of the "fog".

Protect yourself and children when he is not thinking right.

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I confronted him about what I found today and he just lied about it. His lies didn't even add up. He is an attorney and very bright, but is apparently also an egomaniac to think that he wouldn't get caught. I do believe that he genuinely loves us; I just think that he also believes that he deserves to 'have it all'.
We have an iron clad prenup that pretty much states that if we get a divorce, I am screwed. I can fight it, but it would cost a fortune and I can't even think about going there yet. I'm a stay at home mom to a three and one yr old with a new baby soon. I'm not eager to move to an apartment and put my kids in daycare. Beyond that, I still love the jerk. He is a very broken human and I just made the fatal mistake of believing that I could love him well enough to fix him.
I have no idea how to get him to wake up. He will just hide it better. I made him sell our rental, but I'm sure he just moved her somewhere else. I was devastated by this affair before finding new evidence of their ongoing contact today- now it's just that much worse. My health is so volatile right now that I physically can't pack up the kids and leave.


Me-32
WH-47
D Day 2/1/13
Affair is ongoing as far as I know, though he claims otherwise.
DS-3 yrs, DD 16 months, baby #3 due 6/13
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Originally Posted by Almnac
I confronted him about what I found today and he just lied about it. His lies didn't even add up. He is an attorney and very bright, but is apparently also an egomaniac to think that he wouldn't get caught. I do believe that he genuinely loves us; I just think that he also believes that he deserves to 'have it all'.
We have an iron clad prenup that pretty much states that if we get a divorce, I am screwed. I can fight it, but it would cost a fortune and I can't even think about going there yet. I'm a stay at home mom to a three and one yr old with a new baby soon. I'm not eager to move to an apartment and put my kids in daycare. Beyond that, I still love the jerk. He is a very broken human and I just made the fatal mistake of believing that I could love him well enough to fix him.
I have no idea how to get him to wake up. He will just hide it better. I made him sell our rental, but I'm sure he just moved her somewhere else. I was devastated by this affair before finding new evidence of their ongoing contact today- now it's just that much worse. My health is so volatile right now that I physically can't pack up the kids and leave.
Why did you confront him? Waywards will always lie.

Did you read the links in the first thread?

Did you read what Pepperband posted to you?

Who have you exposed to?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Did you read the posts to you outlining what your next steps should be?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Your 'to do' list:

NOTE: Next post changes the order or priority!

1. Tell your medical provider all about this crisis. You need STD testing. You need support for your emotional roller coaster.

2. Exposure. Tell everyone all about the infidelity. We call this "exposure". Do this all at once without any warning to WH (wandering husband).
If OW is married, or has a boyfriend,he is to be told right away.
WH's parents are a very important exposure target.
If your children are older than 6 years, they need to be told in age appropriate language.

3. Have a close friend or a relative help you select a family law attorney. You need to go see an attorney without threatening WH that you "might" see an attorney. Seeking legal help will not end your marriage. It might cause your WH to realize you are a woman to be reckoned with. You need to be 100% aware of your legal rights if WH should leave you, or threaten to leave you. You cannot rely on a liar to protect you. You must protect yourself.

4. Get to the bank. Transfer all the money from any joint account into a new account. Waywards cannot be trusted when it comes to driving the family into debt.

Can you do this? Just 4 items to begin.

Right now, because you are pregnant, you should not focus too much on Plan A. Plan A is VERY stressful. You cannot affort to add to your stress.

No love-busters, but other than that, focus on self care and self protection.

OK? hug


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Here is the most sensible order of business:

Start with the bank. It is easily done. Stealthily secure your money.
Then - expose. Everyone all at once.
Then go to a lawyer for advice. Become educated, not fearful.
Then go to your health care provider. Ask for help.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Almnac
I physically can't pack up the kids and leave.

No one suggested this.
I made some suggestions, all of which you did not acknowledge.
That's about it so far.

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Almnac Offline OP
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Right, I was referencing plan B.
While I appreciate the advice, it's just not very applicable right now. Compliments of my prenup, there is no use in either of us fighting about money. My moving funds is the equivalent of declaring war with my litigator husband, and I could go to the hospital in 10 minutes or 10 weeks (pregnancy induced hypertension), so starting a war right now is not advisable.
No point talking to an attorney as my father is one as well and has counseled me to some degree regarding this in the past. It's all pretty cut and dried and none of it is good for my children and I.
Exposure- my best friends and mom know, but there is really not many other people to tell. He runs his own firm, so no employer. He really doesn't have any friends outside of work colleagues and if I tell them I am jeapordizing his reputation and therefore our livelihood. He has no contact with his family. Our children are far too young. So who do I expose to?
The STD testing was the first thing I did as it affects the health and delivery of this baby.
I told him that I want to see our cell records and he said I could, but I'm afraid to. I know it will be bad and my blood pressure was nearing hospitalization level yesterday. I feel like I need to see an MB counselor in my area, but other than that I don't think I can do anything until after baby.


Me-32
WH-47
D Day 2/1/13
Affair is ongoing as far as I know, though he claims otherwise.
DS-3 yrs, DD 16 months, baby #3 due 6/13
Joined: Sep 2008
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Originally Posted by Almnac
Right, I was referencing plan B.
While I appreciate the advice, it's just not very applicable right now. Compliments of my prenup, there is no use in either of us fighting about money. My moving funds is the equivalent of declaring war with my litigator husband, and I could go to the hospital in 10 minutes or 10 weeks (pregnancy induced hypertension), so starting a war right now is not advisable.
No point talking to an attorney as my father is one as well and has counseled me to some degree regarding this in the past. It's all pretty cut and dried and none of it is good for my children and I.
Exposure- my best friends and mom know, but there is really not many other people to tell. He runs his own firm, so no employer. He really doesn't have any friends outside of work colleagues and if I tell them I am jeapordizing his reputation and therefore our livelihood. He has no contact with his family. Our children are far too young. So who do I expose to?
The STD testing was the first thing I did as it affects the health and delivery of this baby.
I told him that I want to see our cell records and he said I could, but I'm afraid to. I know it will be bad and my blood pressure was nearing hospitalization level yesterday. I feel like I need to see an MB counselor in my area, but other than that I don't think I can do anything until after baby.
I realise that your health status is critical and you are in no condition to fight, but you must not reject every piece of advice that you came here to receive.

I think you need to talk to Dr Harley, urgently. This is not the first time he has come across someone with such a critical issue. Please send an email to the radio show, today. He will talk to you, for free.


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Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Email the radio show as mentioned above.
They will get back to you.
You will get good input.
It is free and from the top source at marriagebuilders.








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I don't think I can do anything until after baby.

OK. You said you have about 9 weeks to go, right?
Then what?

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Quote
We have an iron clad prenup that pretty much states that if we get a divorce, I am screwed.




Quote
No point talking to an attorney as my father is one as well and has counseled me to some degree regarding this in the past. It's all pretty cut and dried and none of it is good for my children and I.


Seriously???

Your Father is an attorney that has counseled you...
but you signed an "iron clad prenup that pretty much states that if we get a divorce, I am screwed"...

what's wrong with this picture?

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