It can't replace the IM in the sense that it doesn't act as a spam filter.
She can still email and send whatever messages she wants;
One option would be to have an IM monitor it and then you could still have the IM.
This would be a ghost IM that she would not know about.

I've lived with insane behavior too.
Plan B will help you immensely. You will start to think more clearly in just a few weeks.

Any update?

I apologize for being gone so long. Here are some updates for any of you out there that we're watching my story over the last few years. I'm thinking this thread needs to move to a new forum now but I'm not sure. I'll post this update here and then look around to see if there is a new place to continue posting.

My marriage finally ended in July of 2013. I was ordered out of my house but to continue to pay for the house so she and the kids have a place to live. The judge ordered joint legal and joint physical custody with a parenting schedule that favors her. I get my kids every other weekend and one night during the week and just my little boys on Tuesday afternoon for a few hours. It's a horrible schedule but I'm learning to deal with it.

There are lots of parts of my story I haven't shared and maybe over time I will. I think I need to write a book.

Since the original decree she wouldn't stop calling me names and blaming me for the D. I went back to court and requested that all communication be in writing. She judge ordered it. Even after that she couldn't stop herself from criticizing me and blaming me. Her latest is to claim she has 'diagnose' me as a narcissist. These things wouldn't bother me except that I'm sure her views are shared with the kids.

Now I'm taking her back to court again because she has refused to comply with the parenting schedule as it relates to my D14. I used to be extremely close to my D14 but now it has gotten to the point that she won't even talk to me or come to my place on my time or even look at me. I haven't seen her in over a month now. My ex claims D14 has 'valid reasons' for not wanting to come to my house anymore yet my ex won't share any of those reason with me. I don't blame my D for this. I think it is 100% up to my ex to make sure D is ready and comes with me. I filed a motion for contempt, the judge signed it and I am now awaiting my hearing.

There have been other conflicts. Money, etc. But they have been mostly manageable. My biggest concern is that whenever I hold a boundary she retaliates by exposing the kids to her point of view and they kids end up being angry at me.

As for her A partner. I don't think he is in the picture. Although I honestly would have no way of knowing if he was. I am very strict about absolutely no contact with her that can be avoided. I don't talk to her and we only communicate via emails. I only see her at kid events and my emotions about those situations are largely gone. I only want to spend as much time with my kids as possible.

I found out through the discovery at trial that she was diagnosed with the characteristics of BPD. I read a book called "Splitting" that was extremely useful. The one piece of advice I can give to anyone else going through a similar experience to mine is to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Your wayward spouse, ex or soon to be ex will HATE you for it but that's ok. Their ability to lie constantly or tell half truths in order to project themselves as a victim is scary. The only way to counter that is with fact. Document, take pictures, take notes, keep everything. It will help you unwind their stories and get to the truth and may be the only way you will ever convince a judge of the truth.

I also have no idea if she is still using or drinking anymore. This scares me but it will most likely get to the point where people can't ignore it anymore. I wish I could get my kids away from it but I can't because I can't prove what's happening or even if it is anymore. She was the master at hiding it when we lived together and now that we live apart I have no idea what's going on.

So, my current status is that of a dad trying to maintain a connection with my kids with a schedule that makes that very difficult. I breaks my heart every day.

I'll be happy to update more if it helps anyone else going through similar experiences. I'd also be open to any advice people have about parallel parenting with high conflict people.

I've wondered how you are, glad to see you back.

One thought: You may benefit from an email IM that can filter emails for you...or you could post the emails here for suggested responses.

I DID document my ww behaviors, and currently have full custody. And you're right: she hated me because of it. (But then again, who really cares if a cheating spouse hates us anyway).

So I thought I’d come back one more time to button up this thread. Long story short my ex continued to spiral downward. I worked through the courts and got a temporary order for full custody of my kids. The alcohol got worse. 3 DUIs and a resisting arrest charge later and I had a permanent custody change. Full custody to me with supervised time for her on weekends. She never followed through on her supervised time. About 4 months after the permanent custody change she killed herself. Not the ending I would have liked but honestly my life is better and the kids are better off. First choice would have been for her to get help and beat her addictions but that wasn’t going to happen. Hopefully my threads on this forum can help someone else.

Oh wow, what a tragedy. Thanks for the update, sbt. How are your children doing?