Pour on the admiration.

Come R, you would want to avoid any activity you like that can't be POJA'd. Right now, he offered, so take him up on it with enthusiasm and appreciation.

It's a good sign that he's thinking of you at all. He may grow more unpleasant at times, the more he thinks of you. If this happens, don't worry. Him being in a state of conflict is a positive step in the right direction, even if it's no fun to live with.

Ditto

My husband just emailed me at work and asked me to go to the opera Saturday (one of my favorite things).



What a charming thing for him to do! It would have been startlingly positive if he had agreed to go at YOUR invitation, but to raise the proposal himself.......

Hello everyone,

Saturday my husband and I had a really lovely day. We went to the opera, shopping, and dinner. He was very loving and attentive all day and sunday as well. Today, it was like someone flipped a switch back again. He set his phone down today right after using it and then went outside. I know it stays on for five minutes (before you have to re-enter passwords), so I grabbed it and quickly looked through. Everything from December 19 until April had been wiped. There was nothing suspicious on there from April on.

Also, the VAR has not turned up anything. The fact that his computer and phone are so squeaky clean as to be nearly empty still really bothers me. Also, his phone never leaves his pocket, so I wonder if he left it out on purpose knowing I'd look at it and there would be nothing to find.

Finally, how can he go from loving and hyper-attentive to vascillating between distant and surly. I didn't take the bait this time, but absent proof--how long do I deal with this?

Him being angry is a good step, as I said before. It means he is no longer focusing all his thoughts and energy on the OW. And I do believe there is an OW, in addition to whatever prostitute problems there may also be.

He is growing conflicted, no longer sure what he wants to do. That instability will make him pretty much unbearable. Bear with it anyway, for a short while, and then go to Plan B.

Without appearing to, keep up your vigilance. Sooner or later he will make a mistake.

Thanks Neak. I do appreciate the feedback. This forum is virtually my only support. It's very strange feeling to feel like the movement between loving and angry is a good sign. It feels counterintuitive. But it does make a degree of sense, if he is having fun with me it must be harder for him to think of me negatively or cast me an unworthy.

I am trying hard to be good, gracious, and loving as a wife. I am proud I did not take the bait and snap at him back. Toward the end of the evening Monday I just said "You seem worried or upset, is there anything I can do for you?" That was the end of his snapping.

A little piece of me is afraid he will not slip up. If I never get proof I cannot confront and expose if there's another woman. There was already exposure about the other incidents. If I never get to expose how can we heal? Is it possible there isn't an OW? Could the withdrawal from his other sexual proclivities cause these same reactions?

I am just trying to figure out these features and am hoping that this gets me individual replies. I want to let every person who has posted know I really appreciate the help.

Thanks Jedi!

Thanks Brainhurts!

Thanks Markos!

Thanks Pepperband!

Thanks Neverguessed!

Thanks Jose, especially with the IT and military advice.

Thanks Tranquildark.

I agree with Neak. I believe there is an OW that he is talking to and hence the conflict. Sooner or later, he will trip up. Keeping all the electronics squeaky clean takes effort and waywards are pretty lazy.

It sounds as if you had a great weekend, making lots of lovebank deposits. And I think you said the right thing to end his snapping.

If you are curious about the withdrawal question, why don't you email it to Dr. Harley? They will either ask you to be a caller on the radio show or will answer your email on the show. Do you listen to the show? It is really good. Just click on the listen now button on the right side.


AM

Thanks Armymama. Dealing with the military is new to me. It's nice to know other military marriages have succeeded under these conditions.

I saw this was asked, but never answered.

Did you ever file an investigation with the IG?

No, I never filed an investigation with the IG. My problem for me all along is that I have no evidence. None. Over a year has passed now. This is why I am so distraught about the computer, phone, and VAR showing nothing. I am starting to feel like maybe I am crazy.

Hello everyone,

I am so confused right now. I still have found nothing. These last couple of weeks have generally seemed quite good. Then quite suddenly: No more lovemaking--nothing in the last week almost. Also, we were supposed to go to a moving party for a friend of his at work. Then he decided the day of that we should go to the symphony instead. When we were on our way I asked him if he had let them know and he said he had. But, I do not ever remember hearing him call or seeing him text.

We had been doing so well. I was really hopeful. Now, I am very worried again. I still have nothing but a feeling. A bad feeling. Nothing on the VAR. Nothing on the computer. He has been home on time every night. The fact is though I know his day is flexible. I am so afraid that I have just driven something deeep underground. The loss of physical contact feels like a palpable rejection.

I feel so frazzled because the techniques have turned up nothing, yet I am more sure than ever in my gut that something is not right.

If you can afford a PI, that would be a good next step. If not, think of trusted friends or family that you could trust to follow him discreetly, and NOT CONFRONT him even if they find something.

By far, the most likely explanation is ongoing C, so go ahead and let that assumption guide your actions into Plan A. You can't expose without proof, but you can do the "carrot" part of Plan A. If there's nothing going on, it will only be good for your M. If there is something, it will cause even more conflict with the A.

I know you feel rejected right now. Please consider this: if he is cheating still (which he almost certainly is), a refusal to have sex with you has pretty much nothing to do with you, and everything to do with an increased conflict within WH's mind.

See, the only way he can screw around with someone else, and come home and have SF with you, is to build a high partition in his mind. As long as that partition is there, he can think only of her when he's with her, and you when he's with you.

Like the bulkheads on the Titanic, this partition can't go all the way to the top. When something makes one life slop over and mix a bit with the other side, it causes nearly unbearable tension for the WS. Sometimes it can be a specific event, and sometimes it can be the early stages of disintegration of the A. But it gets harder and harder to keep the two lives separate, and that leads to a state of conflict.

Which is a good thing.

My guess is he is having so much trouble NOT thinking of you when he's with OW, that he's having to be very strict with himself to limit his interactions with you so he can maintain his protective bulkhead. Plan A will only make his job harder and harder, as it should.

Given enough time the bulkhead almost always crumbles on its own, and anything good you do in Plan A will help that crumbling process along.

I am Neak's mom. She is telling you to do a lot of the things she did during her husband's affair. These are not easy things to do, and there isn't any immediate payoff for most of it, so doing it can feel useless and bad. Don't question yourself if you think (or know) you didn't do something "right". Don't beat yourself up over a temporary glitch in your plan A. What you're doing is tough, and apparently interminable! And I'll tell you, straight up front, that I could never have done what she did for the sake of marriage recovery. I could barely watch what she did, being more of a clop-you-upside-the-head-right-NOW kind of person, myself. So allow yourself to be human, to make some mistakes, to feel frustrated, because what you're doing here is a towering challenge, and you are a special person for even making the attempt.

tl