Okay I will try to keep this as succinct as possible.

My wife - 26
Me - 28
We've been married almost 8 years - we've been together for 10 years. I'm really the only guy she's been with since she was 16. Obvious now that she married too young. I love her more than anything, despite what she has done recently. I know I could forgive her if only she would have a change of heart and recognize her mistakes and emotional immaturity.

A little more than a month ago she told me she wasn't happy and was thinking about leaving me. She gave me all the reasons in the book except for the REAL reason (she was having an emotional affair with a co-worker). A week later she left. A week after that I found out she had started sleeping with this co-worker the DAY she moved out.

I approached, her, and I'm pretty sure I said all the wrong things. I called her a slut, a whore, and a coward. She was FURIOUS. A few days later I apologized about the name calling. A few weeks after that I actually gave her a birthday present with a note apologizing again for the name calling.

It was at about this time I came across these forums and read the exposure 101 thread. After reading this, I decided I wasn't going to wait to just see if this affair blew over. I sent out a MASS message to all of our family and friends, using the template provided. I found out through the grape vine that she was PISSED. Saying that I was trying to embarrass her and slander her, and that this is a private matter.

I sent her a few texts saying you have no idea how much this affair is hurting me. I told her that I'm sorry you're upset about the mass facebook messaging, but that the reason I sent it was to get support from friends and family so that you will make the right decision and end this affair, NOT to embarrass you. I then went on to say you need to respect our marriage and end this affair at least until our marriage is resolved and settled one way or the other. I then said - luckily you have a husband who is a changed man because of this, and is willing to heal and rebuild. I truly love you, and would walk through hell for you, even if you don't deserve it right now.

Well she is not responding, and seemingly refusing to talk to me.

Please note that before this happened we had a very loving, committed marriage. It's like something has exploded in her brain. We were trying to have a baby 2 months ago (1 month before she left me). We just bought a second house, and now she thinks she can just walk away from those financial responsibilities.

Before the exposure technique, my thought was: Just go no contact, and maybe she'll wake up one day and maybe she won't. Well I woke up and realized I don't want to wait. I am either going to save my marriage NOW, or just cut her out of my life completely forever - as much as I will always love her.

So my NEXT plan of action is to coerce her to go to counseling with me. This is going to be my line (she is currently living in our old house with some relative renters):

"Look, I know you want to move out and get your own apartment. I have done my budget, and I have found out that I can SQUEEK by and take care of both houses. I will be willing to do this, and I will sign uncontested divorce papers, if, and only if you go to counseling with me - not necessarily to reconcile, but so that we can better understand where each of us are at, and so that we can resolve this peacefully. Don't you think after 10 years of giving my life to you I deserve at least that much?"

I should also mention I also sent 2 letters to her place of business. One to the owner, and one to the CEO. I don't think they have an HR department. They should have got those letters yesterday, but I have not heard anything about it. Again, I used the template from the exposure 101 thread.

I've also decided that if she says no to the counseling, I am going to tell her, well, think about it for a week, this is a big decision. And in the mean time I am going to organize an intervention from family and friends to try and convince her that I deserve at least couple's counseling.

What do you guys think??

OJ,

But did you expose the OM, he should normally be the first target as exposure will cause OM to drop your WW like a hot potato.

Don't forget that some of the effect will only occur with time.

God Bless
Gamma

Oddjob, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would not even mention counseling, for God's sake. You don't even want that to happen because counseling is destructive to marriages. Marriage counselors don't GET the fog that comes with an affair so they validate destructive wayward behavior.

For example, if you get her there and your wife tells the MC that she is "done" and wants a divorce, guess what will happen?? The MC will try to persuade YOU the marriage is over and then the sessions will be all about getting you to accept that. Then her marriage wrecking agenda will be VALIDATED by a counselor. Do you want that?

Have you contacted the OM's parents?

He was already exposed before I did the exposure on my side. His family is furious with him. He is being ex-communicated from his church, and getting a divorce. In his own words, he said "She is so hot, I think she is worth ruining my marriage over" (referring to my wife as hot). My wife has found a winner hasn't she? I forgot to mention as well that this guy's wife has been battling ovarian cancer for the last year. I can't believe my wife is infatuated with this guy - he has obviously been sweet talking her for months. How he convinced her he was a good guy for abandoning his cancerous wife, I have no idea...

Do you guys think trying to obligate my wife to go to counseling is a good idea? Or should I take a different step? Again, the goal is to save my marriage, and get my wife to humble her self and be repentant. Right now she has no desire to ever see me again I am pretty sure. Especially after the exposure. It's like something just short circuited in her brain. I am still so confused by this. She was head over heels for me literally a few months ago.

I have also left a few sexual harassment lawyers a few messages, and am waiting to hear back from them. If I have any grounds to file a lawsuit, should I? Or at that point will it just be out of spite, and not trying to save the marriage? I just want to do the right thing.

No, I do NOT want that. I see what you are saying. And I actually kind of got that vibe from the counselor I am seeing also... The reason I was excited about the counseling idea is that she told me that with cases like mine, reconciliation was about 50/50... Maybe she only told me that because she wants $. I dunno..

Any children?

Sorry I am spamming this thread, but another thing I should mention. From my objective perspective, she is in complete denial about the reasons she left me. She thinks it has NOTHING to do with the OM. Her own words: "Me and OJ(me), and me and OM are two completely different things."

No children, thank God...

God no! You are giving the crack addict her crack.

Fog speak - Ignore

Thanks for the support thus far guys. You guys are awesome. So if not persuading her to go to counseling, what next?

My suggestion is you think very hard about if you want to attempt recovery. No children makes it much easier to leave cleanly.

Has there been any signs of this bad behavior before? Has there been inappropriate boundaries before this?

Nuclear response to try and end the affair. Melody it would be appropriate I think to bring out the "video"

No, this is completely new. She has always been loving, loyal, and committed. She turned into a new person over-night it seems. She is the love of my life, and I am completely willing to do whatever it takes to make her see the light. I would be willing to spend years rebuilding our relationship and trust if only she was willing to. I just don't want to wait a year before she realizes that she really screwed up. I mean, not to toot my own horn, but I have been a pretty great husband. She even laughed out loud once at the notion of my cheating on her, that's how much she trusts me. I have worked so hard on my career to give her every material possession she could ever want. I would always tell her how much I love her. Physical affection was always present. Even after over a month, I am just still so shocked and confused by this.

Have you personally spoken to his wife and his parents? PERSONALLY?


Only if you want to end up divorced. The way to save the marriage is to wreck the affair. Don't wreck your marriage by going to marriage counseling. They are little more than divorce facilitators and have no idea in the world how to save a marriage.


It is doubtful she will EVER become humble or repentant. And it is not necessary to save your marriage.

video?

Yes, you should do that! It will put pressure on the affair. THAT will help you save your marriage.

Listen to the vets here and do Marriage Builders. Thats why you're here, right?