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Has your H considered anger management counselling? He doesn't acknowledge he has anger issues You need to prepare for a separation then, because this is not going to get better. I am sorry. And, yes, start preparing for separation. If he will not acknowledge his angry outbursts, he will do nothing to change.
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Have you told your husband that you cannot continue in a marriage with Angry Outbursts? I would look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you care at all about how I feel? If you do, you sure have a funny way of showing it! I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. But it sure will be unpleasant for both of us if you keep treating me this way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"
If he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."
To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. From this moment on you will never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. I will agree to do the same with you. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, even by the man I love."
It may take him a while to digest what you say, and he may leave in a huff. But once it sinks in, he will probably agree with you that at least some of the problem is his.
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Wipedout, you have just been blessed with wisdom from two of our best posters, Markos and Prisca - they've had to deal with issues very much like yours and are well-suited to speak to your issues. I strongly suggest you heed their posts.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Feb 2013
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You need to talk to Steve about this now. This problem must be solved first before anything else can be. I have filled out the lovebusters questionnaire which will inform Steve of the anger issue. I am awaiting H to finish his questionnaires so we can schedule our next appointment. Have you told your husband that you cannot continue in a marriage with Angry Outbursts? I have not directly said anything to him. I have told him in the past that he was controlling as I didn�t know how else to describe it. His ex told him he was controlling and it is a hot button of his. I want to see what Steve has to offer in our next session since he is now aware of the issue. If he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all." I hate that he sounds like a angry monster. I don�t feel he would say the above. Most of the time he is loving. His anger is a problem that does need addressed though. This morning he was angry that he tried to wake my daughter up for school and she wasn�t getting up after the third time. She went to bed late last night due to us being out so late due to sports practice and dinner. When I went in to her, I calmly told her to wake up and put her feet on the floor, then stand up. She got ready in time to be at the bus stop before the bus came. I know he doesn�t like that I am not harder on her. What I did, got the job done and she doesn�t feel poorly for it. From this moment on you will never again bring up my affair�..If you are upset with our sexual relationship Neither of us have had an affair on one another. I had one with my previous husband. My H is sensitive to that as he claims his ex had an affair on him. At one time it caused problems for us but he now sees that it is his baggage and I�m here to help him through it. As for SF, he seems happy. I am not but I think it is because of all the other lovebusters around it that make me feel that way. Thanks for all the links and everyone�s input!!! While the suggestion of separation is not wanted it is good to hear it is the next step if the anger is not addressed.
W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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Wipedout, you have just been blessed with wisdom from two of our best posters, Markos and Prisca - they've had to deal with issues very much like yours and are well-suited to speak to your issues. I strongly suggest you heed their posts. I am very thankful and blessed for the feedback I have been getting!!!!!! BrainHurts, thank you so much for the links. I will listen to them all today!!!!
W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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You need to talk to Steve about this now. This problem must be solved first before anything else can be. I have filled out the lovebusters questionnaire which will inform Steve of the anger issue. I am awaiting H to finish his questionnaires so we can schedule our next appointment. Have you told your husband that you cannot continue in a marriage with Angry Outbursts? I have not directly said anything to him. I have told him in the past that he was controlling as I didn�t know how else to describe it. His ex told him he was controlling and it is a hot button of his. I want to see what Steve has to offer in our next session since he is now aware of the issue. If he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all." I hate that he sounds like a angry monster. I don�t feel he would say the above. Most of the time he is loving. His anger is a problem that does need addressed though. This morning he was angry that he tried to wake my daughter up for school and she wasn�t getting up after the third time. She went to bed late last night due to us being out so late due to sports practice and dinner. When I went in to her, I calmly told her to wake up and put her feet on the floor, then stand up. She got ready in time to be at the bus stop before the bus came. I know he doesn�t like that I am not harder on her. What I did, got the job done and she doesn�t feel poorly for it. From this moment on you will never again bring up my affair�..If you are upset with our sexual relationship Neither of us have had an affair on one another. I had one with my previous husband. My H is sensitive to that as he claims his ex had an affair on him. At one time it caused problems for us but he now sees that it is his baggage and I�m here to help him through it. As for SF, he seems happy. I am not but I think it is because of all the other lovebusters around it that make me feel that way. Thanks for all the links and everyone�s input!!! While the suggestion of separation is not wanted it is good to hear it is the next step if the anger is not addressed. The point was about angry outbursts and bringing up past transgressions. It doesn't have to involve infidelity. The point is, you are not safe living with a person who excuses having constant angry outbursts.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Excellent links!!!!! I�m so tempted to share the radio broadcast to H. I prefer to communicate with him via text, email and phone and the radio broadcast helps explain why!!!! I want him to realize why I do this and that it is not my fault he loses his temper! Praise God I found this program and he is on board with working through it!!!!!!! A couple of questions I have about the article. What is FILSIL? The POJA has only been brought up in the education. Steve has not brought it up among the two of us. I found this several years ago and asked him about it. He was not in agreement with it then. I am hoping that Steve will help him to see that it is the only way we will both be happy in our marriage. I fear that the hang up will be that he won�t want to follow the POJA as I have issue with his 21 yo daughter who is toxic to our relationship. Understandably he wants to have a relationship with her. It is, however, at my expense.
W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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FILSIL = Dr. Harley's Fall In Love Stay In Love book. I have it. it's a great book that summarizes and provides the path to implementing HNHN and Lovebuster principles. I fear that the hang up will be that he won�t want to follow the POJA as I have issue with his 21 yo daughter who is toxic to our relationship. Understandably he wants to have a relationship with her. It is, however, at my expense. This was an issue in my M as well. Steve will explain to him just as his sister Jennifer explained to my wife the two types of resentments. There are two kinds of resentment: (1) Resentment due to something one of you DID to the other that was hurtful, and (2) resentment due to something you DIDN'T do for yourself that you would have liked, but would have hurt your spouse. Your husband has the first kind of resentment because you had an affair three months into your marriage. What you did hurt him. You have the second kind of resentment because you now feel obligated to avoid seeing a friend who is a threat to your husband.
I think you would agree with me that the first kind of resentment is the worst, because your husband knows you deliberately hurt him. It's no wonder he's having trouble recovering from the experience. Your poor communication may be partly due to the fact that he is still trying to recover from the shock.
The second kind of resentment, the kind you are experiencing, may be uncomfortable, but life is full of instances where we need to control ourselves for the protection of others. In other words, I'm saying that whatever resentment you may feel about not being able to see your friend is nothing compared to the resentment you would feel if your husband had indulged in an affair.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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I hate that he sounds like a angry monster. I don�t feel he would say the above. Most of the time he is loving. Don't defend him. His actions speak for themselves. If he is having angry outbursts, but doesn't see it as a serious problem, he is not loving -- he is dangerous. My husband was the same. He had explosive angry outbursts, but I defended him to everybody, telling them that he was really loving most of the time. The fact is, he is abusing you. It doesn't matter if he acts loving most of the time. Refusing to eliminate his anger is a very unloving act. It wasn't until I stopped defending my husband, and stood up to him, that he changed.
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Your husband has the first kind of resentment because you had an affair three months into your marriage. What you did hurt him. You have the second kind of resentment because you now feel obligated to avoid seeing a friend who is a threat to your husband. I never had an affair on him! You are the second person who has mentioned me having an affiar on him. I have never had an affair on him. He claims his ex wife did and I did with my ex. I think you would agree with me that the first kind of resentment is the worst, because your husband knows you deliberately hurt him. It's no wonder he's having trouble recovering from the experience. Your poor communication may be partly due to the fact that he is still trying to recover from the shock. If anything I am the one who is having this kind of resentment from the enabling behavior he has with his kids and how he allows SD21 to hurt me. There is no 'friend' in question for me. Why would I want to mess around with another man when a man is the one that is causing me problems to begin with?
W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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From this moment on you will never again bring up my affair�..If you are upset with our sexual relationship Neither of us have had an affair on one another. I had one with my previous husband. My H is sensitive to that as he claims his ex had an affair on him. At one time it caused problems for us but he now sees that it is his baggage and I�m here to help him through it. As for SF, he seems happy. I am not but I think it is because of all the other lovebusters around it that make me feel that way. Thanks for all the links and everyone�s input!!! While the suggestion of separation is not wanted it is good to hear it is the next step if the anger is not addressed. The point was about angry outbursts and bringing up past transgressions. It doesn't have to involve infidelity. The point is, you are not safe living with a person who excuses having constant angry outbursts. Exactly. The quote I gave you from Dr. Harley still applies here, even without any affairs going on. You need to tell your husband that you are not going to live this way anymore. Either he agrees to eliminate his angry outbursts, or he loses you.
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I want him to realize why I do this and that it is not my fault he loses his temper! Praise God I found this program and he is on board with working through it!!!!!!! But he is not on board. You commented that "He doesn't acknowledge he has anger issues." As long as he doesn't see his anger as a problem, he is not on board. I want him to realize that it is not my fault he loses his temper! Here's the problem you are likely to confront: it is not your fault he loses his temper. You know that, and we know that. However, he may argue against it. As long as your husband disagrees and maintains that losing his temper is not his fault, he will not take this problem seriously, and you should be preparing for a separation, because this problem is going to destroy your marriage. You can't make him agree that losing his temper is your fault. What you can do is protect yourself and your children from his temper. If he HAS to eliminate his angry outbursts in order to keep you, then he may choose to stop debating whose fault it is and learn to control his temper. Or he may choose to continue to blame you, and lose you. It will be his choice at that point, and you will have to let him make it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You need to talk to Steve about this now. This problem must be solved first before anything else can be. I have filled out the lovebusters questionnaire which will inform Steve of the anger issue. I am awaiting H to finish his questionnaires so we can schedule our next appointment. I wouldn't wait on him to complete his questionnaires before contacting Steve again. It's been a month since your last session? That is too long. Schedule another appointment to talk to Steve about your husbands anger, and inform your husband of the date and time. Invite him to join you. Don't wait on him.
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I never had an affair on him! You are the second person who has mentioned me having an affiar on him. I have never had an affair on him. He claims his ex wife did and I did with my ex. No, you are misunderstanding. People are quoting letters from Dr. Harley. In those letters, Dr. Harley was talking to someone who had an affair.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I never had an affair on him! You are the second person who has mentioned me having an affiar on him. I have never had an affair on him. He claims his ex wife did and I did with my ex. No, you are misunderstanding. People are quoting letters from Dr. Harley. In those letters, Dr. Harley was talking to someone who had an affair. AH!!! Thanks markos for straightening out my understanding. It was hard to tell they were from other letters. I appreciate everyones input. You are right he is not on board with the program, however he was on board for signing up and being on two calls so far. For that I am thankful. I will do as suggested and make an appointment with Steve without waiting on H. I will inform him of the date and time and welcome him to join us. Thanks for the direction all!!!!
W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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I will do as suggested and make an appointment with Steve without waiting on H. I will inform him of the date and time and welcome him to join us. Great  Let us know, too, when your appointment is.
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In the meantime, what are you going to do if he has another angry outburst?
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