MelodyLane,

I first want to say I feel terrible about the movie. If I had any idea that an infidelity scene was going to pop up I would NEVER have picked that movie. I sort of felt stunned - the movie in and of itself was not about infidelity, but there were undertones that referred to it. I think you are right. I should have immediately turned it off. Sometimes I don't know what to do. Unfortunately, one can see and hear about infidelity and other immoral acts on the radio and television a lot. It is hard to avoid in our society. How am I to react every time I see or hear about it? I want to get past this and NOT FEEL paralyzed and stuck every time it comes up. It will be 3 years in July that I made a very bad choice. I am regretful and remorseful for all of it. I am sensitive to him, so much so that when he leaves the room, I feel panic and a rush of heat comes over me. I make a funny statement about needing to laugh once in a while because I am stressed out and I rarely laugh anymore. Instead, I cry and feel impending doom most of the time. Perhaps I deserve to feel like this through eternity, but I really want to feel better and that will not happen, of course, until he feels better and will that ever happen? Even if he leaves me, I want to get better and be the best person I can be.

Thank you for the post and for your insight.

I'm terribly cold natured, too. DH is content at 58 in the house. I'm quite happy with 88.

hfm, I used to often feel panic when my wife fell silent like that. I usually felt that it meant something terrible had gone wrong and I had to ACT, fast, or else. And then when I'd start asking questions (much like you did -- what? what's wrong? do you not like this? should we turn it off?) and get no answer out of my wife, my panic would increase even more. Then I would usually do something that would make things worse.

I learned that what I had to do was 1 - calm down, 2 - stop pressing for information, 3 - carry on as best I could, using my best guess as to what would be an appropriate course of action and being open to any feedback my wife felt like providing. If I simply shut up, we usually get through these silences much better, and they are much shorter, and I don't do something that changes them from minutes into days. And my wife doesn't feel badgered and pressured that way.


Goodness, no! What we want for you is for the two of you to fall in love and feel like things are better than ever before.

It really is amazing how entrenched it is in our society and you and your H are experiencing this first hand. It is surprising to realize how widespread it is. Just understand it might be 3 years for you, but you weren't the victim. HE WAS. So every time he sees something like this, he is going to be triggered much like a rape victim would be triggered. When it happens, just do your best to consider his feelings and do what you can to remove the trigger. For example, in this situation, I would quickly change the channel and offer your sympathy.


He will feel better when your marriage becomes a happy, passionate relationship. That is what I would focus on. Unless a GREAT marriage replaces the old bad one, then both of your minds will wander to the tragedy of the past. When the present is happy, one doesn't tend to think about the past.

This is why it is so CRITICAL to create a happy, passionate marriage using this program.

Mom, listen to markos. Pay attention to what he posts to you. Dad hadn't posted back to me :::bad Dad, bad Dad::: But I know he will.

p.s. if you and your H can't do this on your own, I would suggest it is time to get professional help. It doesn't take more than a few short months to create a happy, passionate marriage. I think you both are way overdue!! I would look into getting counseling with one of the Harley kids, Dr Chalmers or Steve Harley OR go through the MB program. but you need to do something. Your marriage is struggling way too much for too long.

I first want to say I feel terrible about the movie...I should have immediately turned it off.

But instead, after you saw what it was leading to, after you saw the reaction by HFD, after he stormed out of the room, after you offered to turn the movie off, and after he lost his temper to whatever degree......then you had this epiphany to turn off the damn movie?

Wow!

It will be 3 years in July...

Almost three years of basically having HFD go into shut-down at each trigger, and you're trying to tell us that JUST NOW you realize the level of alert you must maintain to protect him?

Wow, again!

I assume this is in response to my last post to you. Obviously you missed the entire point I was trying to make....because you did exactly what I was trying to advise you NOT to do, again!

HFM, if you look back on each and every one of your posts on this thread, there are MANY statements designed to make the reader FEEL SORRY for you and very little talk of what you are doing MB wise to create an integrated marriage.

Cut it out. My xWH did this to me (made the focus on him him him and how bad things were for him as a result of the A) and it was a big lovebuster.

BTW, you two haven't read lovebusters yet? Huh?

I agree that it is time for you two get professional guidance to get on track.

Maybe if you take some time to read through some of the threads on some of other forums and see HOW BAD some posters' situations are....such BS's who are going through divorce, losing their homes, going into deep debt to pay their attys, fighting for custody of their children etc.....you will see just how HOPEFUL your situation actually is.

Your family is intact and you have a BH who has been on this site fighting hard for your M for a long time now.

Look at the positives rather than dwell on the negatives and go see your doctor to get on ADs if necessary.

Because the defeatist/victim attitude is not helping your M. At all.

I agree wholeheartedly on the AD's, hfm. Your posts do sound like you could be dealing with a dose of depression, either clinical or circumstantial. I know a lot about that!

For about 1 1/2 - 2 years prior to my H's affair I was not a great person to be around. I felt sorry for myself and was down a lot of the time. It is what I accept responsibility for in terms of "cleaning up my side of the street." These behaviors, on my part, killed my H's romantic love for me. (And no - it doesn't excuse his affair, but - I DO take responsibility for it being my part of the affair-ready conditions.) I was this way because I was clinically depressed and did not get help for it.

Until you address these things, it will be hard to have either your or hfd's love banks filled and romantic love to ensue. Without that, you will both continue to dwell on the past and triggers will consume your life.

Personally, I took AD's for awhile and changed my behaviors as well - to become a person that my husband and kids wanted to be close to. I have learned so many things to make sure my tone and demeanor are pleasant. I've learned that my family - those dearest to me - deserve nothing less than my best. Previously I had put other people's needs - and my own - before my husband's and kids' at times... not even realizing I was doing it. I do NONE of that now. My husband now sees me as the most warm-hearted, loving, kind, giving person he knows. Tons of other people felt that way about me before 2010 - but not my husband. I had always made sure others saw the fun-loving SunnyD, but my H got the woe-is-me version. Not good!

Don't get me wrong - I was never horrible. I have never been a nag or a yeller. I thought it was enough to not be those things. It wasn't.

Through this process I've changed in big ways as well as little ones. I've learned that even the way I answer the phone makes a difference. My husband has changed too - in meeting my needs and in expressing his.

My depression/anxiety issues were hormone induced and I saw a doctor to regulate all of that so I no longer have to be on AD's. It was also situational in that it wasn't like all my needs were getting met by my H prior to the crisis. He had to see his part in my depression too.

When you deal with the bigger issues it makes dealing with things such as triggers much easier! When you are head over heels for each other it still hurts when infidelity stuff pops up in movies, etc... but you look TO each other in those moments, not away. As they say - been there, done that! I even posted about a similar tv incident on my thread. It DOES get better if you follow the program.

hfm, I was over on Dad's thread and seconded the idea that the two of you take advantage of the online MB course that is offered here. That will give you more focus. I fear that the two of you have been feeling your way through recovery. You've seen the results of that.

I think the two of you are intelligent people who appreciate the MB concepts, but aren't following them. The online course will keep you on target.

Hi, helpformom,

What do you think of the advice we've offered you? Also, would you take a look at your husband's thread and say what you think of the advice we've offered him? Do you think it will help take care of the problems you guys have been facing?

Well?????

HFM,
There's been a lot of activity on HFD's thread and it has been suggested there, too, that counseling with the online course would be of great benefit to you two. Have you guys talked together about it? It's been mentioned here that you wouldn't feel so lonely if you had a great marriage, but it's up to both of you to make that happen. Not just him. Not just you. Have you two discussed enrolling in the online course?

If you are waiting on forum chat to see if things change before enrolling in the online course, you'll be waiting forever. There's no time like the present to use the valuable resource that the online accountability is. We are nowhere close to being able to replace Dr. Harley and his staff.

Hi Hfm,

Hfd says you are reading his thread so I'm sure you've noticed he is getting a ton of responses and some of those include things for you as well. The need to enroll in the course has already been mentioned above. I would implore you to become a partner with your husband - don't let him do all the work and take all the hits without standing right there with him! This is supposed to be a partnership - you and he against the world - so it's time to create that.

I understand you have depression and anxiety issues. Those need to be dealt with, Mom, along with your engaging in the program. I know firsthand how crippling depression can be - whether circumstantial or clinical. I also know it can be overwhelming to know how to deal with it - but you must. Trust me, if you think it affects only you - it doesn't. Your kids suffer too, along with your marriage. That should be reason enough to do the work that must be done to pursue every avenue of treatment! That may include AD's for awhile - it may not. Perhaps fixing the marriage will be enough to overcome your depression and anxiety issues - perhaps not. Maybe, like me, you can utilize a variety of methods to keep it at bay without having to be on ADs long-term.

I urge you - stand side by side with your husband and face this stuff head on. It's not always easy, but you will be SO glad you did! It's life-changing when it's done right! Right now it feels like he is taking all the hits and you're sitting behind him, letting him shield it all away from you.

HFM;

We just began the online program. While there is not new INFORMATION in the program, our coach and Dr. Harley have reviewed our case and suggested the things we need to work on first. There are specific exercises and assignments which give us the tools needed to work through our issues.

These tools, plus the individual attention, and the direct access to Dr. Harley, means the $1000 is a BARGAIN.

And since we are focussing on issues in an order specific to us, we are maximizing the RESULTS for our TIME and effort spent.

Why would you NOT enroll in the online program?

Agreed. My H and I bumped along, attempting to implement MB principles and failing miserably. We needed the coach and access to Dr. Harley to start getting anywhere. It provides accountability for both partners.

AM

And silence.....no wonder HFD is frustrated

...no wonder HFD is frustrated.

He started on MB's thread in "frustration". I think he is receiving the education that has moved him to "exasperation", which will progress to "resignation".

No one person can make or repair a marriage. Thirty months in, I believe he is internalizing that truth.