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I don't know if you say my edit above:
You guys are making some really good points. I am going to be thinking about this very deeply for the next week. She IS the love of my life, even if I don't feel any romantic love for her anymore. Remember on thing. Romantic love is destroyed AND created by actions and choices. You can fall back in love with her. At one point, my FWW's LB balance was so far in the red. I fell completly out of love with her too. Now, we are falling BACK in love with each other because we CHOOSE to. Just be patient.
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I don't know if you say my edit above:
You guys are making some really good points. I am going to be thinking about this very deeply for the next week. She IS the love of my life, even if I don't feel any romantic love for her anymore. One of the reasons some have been urging you to step back (Just Stop) is because when you are in the thick of it day after day it can start looking hopeless. Thats where you are now. Step back. Stop replying. Work on yourself. Give it a few weeks for things to settle down. I can almost guarantee you will come back with a different frame of mind.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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One quote that keeps us motivated in R is: "feelings follow actions"
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if I enter into plan B I want to be able to start dating RIGHT away. During Plan B you are still married. Any dating would be an affair. Don't go there.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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So basically you guys are saying this needs to be black and white. I either keep fighting, or I give up completely. There is no in-between.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Okay.. Big breath. My wife just texted me asking me if I'll be home today or tomorrow because she has the paperwork ready for me to sign.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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So basically you guys are saying this needs to be black and white. I either keep fighting, or I give up completely. There is no in-between. Not sure how Dr Harley would advise you on this. I am guessing he would agree that you need to choose. He encourages folks to have a plan. In-between is not a plan. Again, you can email the radio show to get his input as a caller or respond to your email on the air. Get the MB Radio App for your phone yet? I listen nearly every day. Dating while you are married, separated or not, is having an A.
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Okay.. Big breath. My wife just texted me asking me if I'll be home today or tomorrow because she has the paperwork ready for me to sign. You have to prepare yourself that this M may be over. I personally would just not respond right now at all. At least wait until Monday.
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I am prepared. Just wondering what the best option is right now.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Slow down. Slow down. Slow down.
SLOW EVERYTHING DOWN.
Even if you get divorced, don't you think it would be wise to take a little time to regroup and heal before rebounding into another relationship?
You seem to struggle with just being. Just being with the feelings. Just being by yourself. You fill your time up with thinking about her, what she's doing and the hundred and one ways you can respond to her. You're so anxious about it all that you want to jump off the ride and jump immediately onto some one else's ride.
SLOW DOWN.
I would make myself unavailable to sign any papers until at least Monday.
Last edited by zibbles; 05/17/13 02:29 PM.
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"WS, I will not sign the papers. If you do not withdraw the D filing, I have been advised to counter for D on grounds of adultery. Should that happened, most likely you and OM will be subpoenaed and have to testify under oath. This is the last time I will talk about D with you. If you want to talk about our M and the vows we made to each other 8 years ago, I will be happy to."
I'm thinking about sending something like this...
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Even if you get divorced, don't you think it would be wise to take a little time to regroup and heal before rebounding into another relationship? I've been healing through this whole process. I wasn't lying when I said I have no romantic love left for my wife. Everyone I socialize with is telling me how much better I look, that I'm laughing and smiling like I used to. Yes I am still anxious to get things figured out and resolved no matter which way they go - and I know I may seem a little crazy to some of you right now on the boards, but I honestly feel just fine. I am anxious yes, but I feel fine.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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"WS, I will not sign the papers. If you do not withdraw the D filing, I have been advised to counter for D on grounds of adultery. Should that happened, most likely you and OM will be subpoenaed and have to testify under oath. This is the last time I will talk about D with you. If you want to talk about our M and the vows we made to each other 8 years ago, I will be happy to."
I'm thinking about sending something like this... You could certainly send that. But if you by chance made ANY LB deposits this week with your kindness..well..they would be gone with that email. If it were me I would just say (if i replied at all which I probably wouldn't). This weekend isn't good. Let me see what is up for next weekend. Buy time.
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Well i think I should send a reply, because I am expecting a check from her today.. I talked to her about it earlier. So I should probably respond to keep things friendly.
If I tell her I'll check next weekend though, I will be implying that I am willing to sign.. hrmm...
Last edited by OddJob123; 05/17/13 02:46 PM.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Well i think I should send a reply, because I am expecting a check from her today.. I talked to her about it earlier. So I should probably respond to keep things friendly.
If I tell her I'll check next weekend though, I will be implying that I am willing to sign.. hrmm... You assume too much young jedi...
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Well i think I should send a reply, because I am expecting a check from her today.. I talked to her about it earlier. So I should probably respond to keep things friendly.
If I tell her I'll check next weekend though, I will be implying that I am willing to sign.. hrmm... You assume too much young jedi... You're saying she'll get the hint that I'm purposefully delaying? She just replied: "Not good? Why not? Are you in town?" Should I just tell her my whole schedule? My weekend is truly filled up, hah. Or maybe now is when I really shouldn't respond?
Last edited by OddJob123; 05/17/13 02:58 PM.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Why do you think you have to explain yourself to her at all?
Because you don't.
Do what you think is right and stand behind it. Want to sign them, then fine, sign them. Don't, then don't.
Want the check? ask her to drop it off in your mailbox while you are gone.
SEE?? Take control of the situation. Don't BE controlled.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to with her right now.
Time for you to stand up and MAKE the rules my man.
Last edited by 20YearHistory; 05/17/13 03:04 PM.
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Ya you're right. I'm not going to respond. And if I don't see the check this weekend, I will send her another text to remind her to drop it off while I'm gone next week.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Posts: 335
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Ya you're right. I'm not going to respond. And if I don't see the check this weekend, I will send her another text to remind her to drop it off while I'm gone next week. Also why would she expect you just to sign whatever documents she has? Of course you aren't going to. If she persists tell her to contact your lawyer. Tell your lawyer to stall (if you want to stall).
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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Ya you're right. I'm not going to respond. And if I don't see the check this weekend, I will send her another text to remind her to drop it off while I'm gone next week. There you go. Just remember you don't have to justify any of your actions or decisions with her at this time. Main thing is when you do talk/text her be very respectful with no judgmental statements. Take the high road. Respect yourself so she can never point the finger at you again for something like this...Give her NO ammunition to use against you or validate her resentment. Kill her with kindness.
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