You are getting some great advice, OJ.

However this shakes out, by doing what you are doing, you are giving yourself the best chance to R your M.

Someday she will see it.

Her responses to you are to justify her A. She knows it is wrong.

I won't have time this AM to address the OM letter beyond saying a couple things I wanted to address. Maybe I'll get to it later this afternoon.

1. marriage advice from OM...no thank you
2. Friends with WW - not if she divorces me
3. Cordial with OM - Laughable. You (OM) have no idea...you are ruining my wife's life. You don't get to do that and walk away consequence free. Even when she dumps you or you leave her to screw another hole somewhere else I will be there. Get a new job and your bosses are going to be informed about what you've done to my wife and me. Try to join a new church or civic organization and they to will be warned about you. See you are an evil man. You say "don't judge me" but that a misinterpretation of the bible. I am called to judge and expose the forces of evil for what they are. God has directed me to keep watch over you and bring light where ever you try to bring darkness. We won't be cordial...not today, not ever.

4. His last sentence ... Be a man save it for face to face. Quote that and ask if he's threatening you and if being man includes cheating on your cancer laden wife that you don't see that he's fit to lecture you on the subject. OR - you've already stolen my wife...now you want to beat me up too? You are depraved abuser just like your wife told me you are.

5. His call to act like an adult...he should speak to some true adults (like even his father) and ask them what a real man would do in OM's situation. I bet he'd be surprised that most adults would say to step aside and let the wife choose on her own without interefering whatsoever.

6. If his door is always open...mind if I and a few of my buddies come over for a talk tonight. How about Wednesday night at 11pm? (a specific time makes OM's nervous...what if you DO show up?)

7. I think he said "my wife" when referring to your getting information from her. Interesting ....is she his possession? How is she still "his wife" but yet, your wife isn't "your wife" anymore to him.

There is more then one way to engage.

There is only one right way to engage.

That is to get evidence and so the OM admits breaking the law/affair and so the need for an RO.

You going tit for tat, casting youself in a bad light, leaving written evidence will not get a judge to help you.

Wow. Mr. W's bullets to OM were terrific. And so was his advice for how to respond to your WW.

I still maintain that communication with WW should be paced and spaced out.

Well she has had a night to dwell on last night's conversation. I am thinking of sending MrW's 3rd response to WW now.

I know the comments in that response about the fog and needing to protect her are going to really piss her off and make her laugh. She is obsessed with being independent and she always hated when I would try to council her or protect her. She would always tell me to quit trying to be her Dad.

I'm thinking about adding this to the end of that response:

"Like I've said before, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how I was as a husband, and our relationship over the last 10 years in general. I know we can be best friends again, and I know we can have an amazing marriage together."

Would that be okay to add?

OMG........ She just sent me this text (I haven't sent anything since last night yet)

"I've thought about it some more, and I would be willing to meet you somewhere today. When and where?"

Holy freaking crap.

How should I respond? Just simply give her to the time and place? Should I thank her for reconsidering?

"You can drop by the house if you want. I will be in and out this afternoon. Just call first."

Here is the thing, you don't want to give her the idea that you will cooperate and sign the papers. If she comes with that impression, it will just lead to a blow up. Make sure she is not coming with that impression. And if she does come, just tell her you will give the papers to your attorney for review because you are considering countersuing on grounds of adultery.

Better yet, tell her you don't know what your attorney will decide to do. You are leaving this all in his hands and he has mentioned that we should countersue on grounds of adultery.

Just act like it is out of your hands and you have been advised to follow his legal direction. That way, the attorney is the bad guy and not you.

What I have told her is that I will take the papers and go over them with my lawyer, and then decide. So I kind of already put the decision in my hands by telling her that .

When she gets there, tell her you will let your lawyer make the decision because he knows what is best for you legally.

When she says: "but our marriage did not break up due to adultery!"

your response should be: "According to my lawyer all that is required is evidence of an affair and we have that in SPADES. OM admitted his affair in several emails."

In other words, it doesn't matter if she denies that was the reason for the split. Just evidence of an existing affair is sufficient proof for grounds of adultery.

"My lawyer is quite gung ho about countersuing on grounds of adultery. I will see what he says."

This gives her second thoughts and bursts her bubble about the fantasy divorce. And....if you really want to save your marriage, countersuing can have the effect of dragging out the divorce to last longer than the affair. If you want to drag it out that would be the way to go.

BUT..you do want to give her the impression that you will not make this easy on her.

Thanks for the advice. I hope I do well at this meeting. I have no idea what to expect. She might be pissed and cold, or maybe her and OM got in a fight last night over this, and maybe she'll warm up a little bit? I have no clue.. I will let her drive the conversation, ask only simple neutral questions and just listen.

Should I show up a few minutes late?

Did you text her back yet?

Ya, we're meeting at a coffee shop in 2 hours.

It certainly would be nice if you didn't talk about the D papers much and find a way to have a little fun together today...anyway to associate good feelings for both of you again with each other. Keeping your cool regardless of where she takes the conversation.

Smiles are contagious.

I hope so bad she got in a fight with OM or something. It's going to be very uncomfortable if she is all snarls and just feels like I coerced her there. If she lashes out at me, I won't argue back. I'll just let her talk, and say I understand. If she asks me to defend my actions, I'll say I feel what I am doing is right, that I am trying to live up to my marriage vows, that I know we can be best friends again, and have a happy marriage together.