PBL
Dear WH,

I love you and despite all we have been through, I am still very much in love with you. I have had all my dreams come true with you as my partner these past seven years and we are about to have our third beautiful baby as evidence of that.

However, at this time my anger and bitterness are too great for me to handle. I cannot continue to live a normal life with you and pretend to be happy. I am so sad and so miserable right now and I truly need to get a grip. That is why we must separate.

Jenny has agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit.

If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jenny. If you a unable to reach her, you can contact my mom.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with her.

I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OW and are willing to follow the measures that I previously outlined to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

My hopes are to someday bring our family back together. The process of getting us to that point is up to you. If your hopes are the same as mine it will show in your actions and commitment to your own personal recovery and healing.

I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. With God's help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this.

PBL addendum

Jenny
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Email

Vicki
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With respect to your visiting the children, please keep their regular sleep schedules in mind. I am happy for you to see them anytime you would like, but it would help if we could set up a regular schedule, or at least a schedule at the beginning of each week. I know DS will ask about when you will be "home" very often and I would like to be able to tell him when he can expect to see you. I am willing to leave the house so that you can spend time with the children here. Just let Jenny know when you plan on coming and if you need to change your plans.

Jenny or my mom will notify you as soon as the new baby is born and of course you will be welcome to visit as soon as we can arrange it.

I would leave that part out. He is not welcome in your home until he stop seeing OW and commits to a program of recovery.

Make sure he knows that he will not be allowed to just drop by the hospital and see you. He will be allowed to see the baby, but NOT you.

Thanks Prisca, I have made those changes. This is so heartbreaking and I can't believe that he is going to miss the birth of our child.
Before my darling father left this morning, he told me that for as long as he has known WH, he has always had two women and it has always been a problem. Gee, thanks dad. Makes me feel like a future is hopeless.

If adultery is a long-standing problem with WS, realistically it will whittle your odds down somewhat. The good news is there are still a percent of M's even that badly damaged, that still R. Your part in this will be to set the bar very high before attempting R, and to have as part of your boundaries that WH take a poly so you know the extent of this long-term betrayal.

Once you know that, you can decide what additional steps (such as possible help with a sexual addition) you may need to require.

You may also want to slightly modify your wording about the visitation. I think it would be ok for you to try allowing visitation as often as possible, but it should be spelled out that if that plan doesn't end up working for you (and since we're talking about a mind-scrambled alien, it has a high probability of failure), you will need to have a backup visitation plan. Whatever is standard for divorces in your area would make a good default if on-demand visitation ends up being one more excuse for wayward manipulation.

One part of Plan B is allowing both parties (especially the WS) to experience the hardships of divorce-ness without necessarily having to go all the way through the proceedings. That taste of "freedom", being free from all help, domestic support, team effort, plus any and all EN's the OP isn't meeting, is an important educational experience.

And even if you don't end up wanting to R, your life will be much easier if you aren't still dealing with a wayward, and having an alien parent your kids.

Fast forward 6 months! So, I made it near full term with baby #3 and had a healthy little girl. WH and I just kind of faked our way through for several months. I knew we were in a an FR, but didn't have the emotional bandwidth to prove it or deal with the fall out. When DD was 6 weeks old, I saw in WH's calendar that it was the girlfriend's bday, so I put a recording device in his car. Last minute, he took his truck! So I had to load up the kids, take his spare key, go to his office and put the device in his truck. He had a late evening with lots of great excuses. The next day I listened to the tape and heard him call her, tell her he was in the parking lot and about to come in and that he loved her. Some time later they both got in the truck and you can HEAR them kissing, then her saying she can't F him tonight, but she's doing him tomorrow night, and how did he get out of the house, blah, blah, vomit. So I calmly called him and explained that he was busted and that I needed him to come pack enough stuff to move out of the house in the next few hours while I was out. At that point he confessed to a prolonged and horrific childhood of sexual abuse that I had suspected, but not known the details of. So here we are 3 1/2 months and a lot of therapy later. He is a sex addict with all the classic causes and patterns. This does feel like a recovery, he voluntarily re wrote our prenup to include an infidelity clause, he (initially at least) has worked very hard in therapy, doing a lot of reading and listening to books on my tape. The therapist is very into twelve step, but he has been resistant to the sex addict meetings. Even though this feels genuine, I still have so little faith that he will continue to be faithful. He says all the right things, but he said those during our FR, so they mean nothing. Worse than nothing, they trigger all the bad stuff. I feel like I am never going to get over this, never trust him, never be really happy again. If I didn't have kids, I would be in Australia right now. But I do, and I love my family and my life, and I am here. I don't feel like I have any option but to stay the course, but I'm just exhausted by waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I don't see any end in sight of those feelings. Help?

Did he write a NC letter to OW?

Has he changed all contact information?

Is OW married?

He did write his letter.

His contact info is all the same, but he got rid of his affair phone.

She is not married. I exposed to her whole family.