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I have given my all - he's now called our local police department to have me "removed" from "our" apartment. Until he has acknowledged and received help for his anger, I feel I'm not going to be "ok" here - the rollar coaster of his threats is taking is tole. You're correct. What happened? Did the police come?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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We all agree that RNR needs to control his anger. Are you controlling yours? Are you having AO or DJ's towards him? Are you being patient with him? In perspective, you betrayed him. Are you being sensitive to his needs to help him heal? It took me weeks to get all of thin information I needed about the affair. His mind is realing with the shock of this and he needs time to wrap his brain around what happened. He is trying to put a puzzle together without a picture and half of the pieces missing. He may not even know what he wants to know yet. Be patient.
No this does not excuse his anger, or walking away. That used to infuriate my wife. But using radical honesty you can tell him if it makes you angry and suggest another way he can end a conversation that is making him feel unsafe without upsetting you.
Me: 34 BH Her: 31 FWW DD (6) DS (3) D-day 2/2/13
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mrs_cen, I am just now catching up - Dr. Harley's position is that angry outbursts are not to be tolerated in marriage, and if he is not willing to commit to no angry outbursts for any reason (even mistakes on your part), you probably do need to separate from him.
Although an affair is definitely the most traumatic thing one human being can do to another, Dr. Harley won't justify angry outbursts or spouses punishing spouses at all.
I see a very dangerous suggestion here that you be patient with anger on your husband's part. I would definitely recommend a patient separation. But it is incorrect to think that you should try to meet your husband's needs or help him heal in the face of your husband's angry outbursts.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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But it is incorrect to think that you should try to meet your husband's needs or help him heal in the face of your husband's angry outbursts. You cannot do this. Don't even try.
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Has he demonstrated a willingness to take anger management classes? You should bring this up to him. Personally I believe the outbursts are mutual and you should attend together. Wouldn't hurt, also do you own Lovebusters? Are you reading it together?
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His feelings as to the events of the last few days are all posted in his thread - including his thoughts on anger - (I won't speak on his behalf) I (we) have not got "Love Buster) yet, I've just myself finished reading SAA, I'm unsure if my BS has finished or not. It was another book suggested by some other members and was already on my list to get, once finished SAA (which is now)
FWW, 36
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You can tell him that you are willing to give him Just Compensation by building a romantic relationship with him that was better than the marriage you had before the affair.
But you cannot do that if he is going to abuse you. And you will not tolerate his AOs.
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I see a very dangerous suggestion here that you be patient with anger on your husband's part Markos I hope that you are not getting that from my post. Reading both threads it seems that his anger is coming from her impatience. From her setting the timeline or lying. that could be true or false. But if his anger is coming from impatience, then by her being patient with his pain then his anger will be less. Yes he does need anger management and conflict resolution classes. But this is a two way street and mrs Cen also needs to clean up her side of the fence.
Me: 34 BH Her: 31 FWW DD (6) DS (3) D-day 2/2/13
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You can tell him that you are willing to give him Just Compensation by building a romantic relationship with him that was better than the marriage you had before the affair.
But you cannot do that if he is going to abuse you. And you will not tolerate his AOs. Yes, I agree - though as I said he's posted on his thoughts regarding his anger and the reasons behind them. I will say that I've noticed him trying to control and refrain from AO, I think we both need to learn the correct techniques to handle them when we see them coming. I must continue to be diligent I'm my EP's for him, as I know that a lot o his anger comes from insecurities he's still (obviously) feeling.
FWW, 36
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I see a very dangerous suggestion here that you be patient with anger on your husband's part Markos I hope that you are not getting that from my post. I want to make sure that she doesn't get any such impression. Reading both threads it seems that his anger is coming from her impatience. There are reasons for angry outbursts, but no excuses. RNR clearly has an anger problem, and until he is ready to eliminate it, he is not ready for recovery, and mrs_cen needs to be protected from him. He should eliminate angry outbursts whether she is patient or not. He's already assaulted her and thrown her out of the house once. Yes he does need anger management and conflict resolution classes. But this is a two way street No it isn't, actually. He needs to deal with his own anger and not have any excuse to think of her as the cause of it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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The correct technique for you to handle them is to leave the room and refuse to engage with him when he is angry. If he follows you, tell him "I'm not going to talk about this right now." If he persists, take the kids and leave he house.
Do not engage. He can talk to you when he is ready to do so calmly.
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I see a very dangerous suggestion here that you be patient with anger on your husband's part Markos I hope that you are not getting that from my post. Reading both threads it seems that his anger is coming from her impatience. From her setting the timeline or lying. that could be true or false. But if his anger is coming from impatience, then by her being patient with his pain then his anger will be less. Yes he does need anger management and conflict resolution classes. But this is a two way street and mrs Cen also needs to clean up her side of the fence. I'm not 100% sure about the direction it's coming from. I believe he still has questions regarding the timeline and hopefully we will be able to address them soon. I agree I need to do my part and "clean up my side". All I know is that I love him and I will do whatever needs to be done for however long it needs to be done to have the marriage we both want.
FWW, 36
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Yes, I agree - though as I said he's posted on his thoughts regarding his anger and the reasons behind them. I haven't caught up on his thread yet, but no matter what reasons there are, they are not excuses. I must continue to be diligent I'm my EP's for him, as I know that a lot o his anger comes from insecurities he's still (obviously) feeling. While you do need to be diligent in EPs, neither one of you must ever think that his angry outbursts is a result of feelings you cause.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Here's Dr. Harley's take: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.htmlI suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"
What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."
To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."
Last edited by markos; 06/10/13 12:56 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Are you being sensitive to his needs to help him heal? If he wants his needs to be met, he is going to need to eliminate his AOs. Read this from Dr. Harley: Angry Outbursts are the final and most inappropriate form of abuse and control. As long as either spouse can�t control their anger, their marriage has little hope of improving or being fulfilling. It�s not only an ineffective way to overcome problems, but it is also very dangerous. There are many cases every year of people who killed or maimed their spouse in a fit of rage, where they never thought they would do such a thing. I usually recommend that overcoming angry outbursts, and all other forms of abuse and control (demands and disrespectful judgments) be eliminated before trying to resolve conflicts, or even trying to meet emotional needs. Your sincere effort to please a controlling and abusive husband puts you in a dangerous position both emotionally and physically. So until your husband learns to control his temper, I wouldn�t even consider trying to meet his emotional needs.
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I'm not 100% sure about the direction it's coming from. I believe he still has questions regarding the timeline and hopefully we will be able to address them soon. I agree I need to do my part and "clean up my side". All I know is that I love him and I will do whatever needs to be done for however long it needs to be done to have the marriage we both want. Keep this in mind from Dr. Harley: Angry Outbursts are the final and most inappropriate form of abuse and control. As long as either spouse can�t control their anger, their marriage has little hope of improving or being fulfilling. It�s not only an ineffective way to overcome problems, but it is also very dangerous. There are many cases every year of people who killed or maimed their spouse in a fit of rage, where they never thought they would do such a thing. I usually recommend that overcoming angry outbursts, and all other forms of abuse and control (demands and disrespectful judgments) be eliminated before trying to resolve conflicts, or even trying to meet emotional needs. Your sincere effort to please a controlling and abusive husband puts you in a dangerous position both emotionally and physically. So until your husband learns to control his temper, I wouldn�t even consider trying to meet his emotional needs.
Last edited by markos; 06/10/13 12:59 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You can tell him that you are willing to give him Just Compensation by building a romantic relationship with him that was better than the marriage you had before the affair. But you cannot do that if he is going to abuse you.
All true.
Equally true is the fact that you cannot "tell him" anything if he does not trust your words. Discounting all the "he said/she said" about who in recent days said what, to whom, when, and in what context, what fairly LEAPS off his pages is that he believes he does not have the full story about the past, doubts your commitment in the present, and cannot project trust into your future.
Whether he blows up like the early NG, walks away like the later NG, or endures like the NG-Gandhi that will never be, your lack of trustworthiness in his eyes is PROBLEM NUMBER 1.
Nothing will move without that being repaired.
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You can tell him that you are willing to give him Just Compensation by building a romantic relationship with him that was better than the marriage you had before the affair. But you cannot do that if he is going to abuse you.
All true.
Equally true is the fact that you cannot "tell him" anything if he does not trust your words. Discounting all the "he said/she said" about who in recent days said what, to whom, when, and in what context, what fairly LEAPS off his pages is that he believes he does not have the full story about the past, doubts your commitment in the present, and cannot project trust into your future.
Whether he blows up like the early NG, walks away like the later NG, or endures like the NG-Gandhi that will never be, your lack of trustworthiness in his eyes is PROBLEM NUMBER 1.
Nothing will move without that being repaired. NG, I couldn't agree more. He has angry outbursts, this is true. According to him he walked away because she was having an AO towards him. Thus is all he said she said. I get the feeling that alot of the people here have just stopped paying attention to RNR once he threw her out of the house (which there is no excuse for) We need to be helping BOTH Mrs Cen and RNR. And not forget that RNR was victim and is still hurting. Just as he MUST work on his anger, Mrs Cen also needs to work on her anger/impatience and if she finds she does something that makes him angry then stop since it is a love buster.
Me: 34 BH Her: 31 FWW DD (6) DS (3) D-day 2/2/13
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a little devil's advocate here but i do believe it's a two way street. from the other thread, i get the impression that Mrs. Cen gets pretty irritable when her BH makes requests (like dump the jacket).
i always find it interesting when a wayward gets the board's sympathy and support over the betrayed. you can disagree.
i too had an affair, mrs. cen. it took awhile for me to really see and understand the devastation my affair caused and i too was impatient while my BH got his head around it.
i think you could use some serious self reflection in terms of how he must feel about all of this. he is totally destroyed by your actions. i get the feeling you just don't get it and if you could, you might have more compassion.
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a little devil's advocate here but i do believe it's a two way street. from the other thread, i get the impression that Mrs. Cen gets pretty irritable when her BH makes requests (like dump the jacket).
i always find it interesting when a wayward gets the board's sympathy and support over the betrayed. you can disagree.
i too had an affair, mrs. cen. it took awhile for me to really see and understand the devastation my affair caused and i too was impatient while my BH got his head around it.
i think you could use some serious self reflection in terms of how he must feel about all of this. he is totally destroyed by your actions. i get the feeling you just don't get it and if you could, you might have more compassion. I'm not sure if you've read my entire thread or not - at any rate "sympathy" from the board is far from what I've got - in fact Prisca has been one of the hardest on me. Perhaps your not aware o the last few days - perhaps you are. One thing I will say is everything that my BS has said upset him with unpleasant memories has been thrown out without question and without anger. Self-reflection is a big part of healing, and I am doing it.
FWW, 36
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