I have given my all - he's now called our local police department to have me "removed" from "our" apartment.
Until he has acknowledged and received help for his anger, I feel I'm not going to be "ok" here - the rollar coaster of his threats is taking is tole.

But it is incorrect to think that you should try to meet your husband's needs or help him heal in the face of your husband's angry outbursts.

I see a very dangerous suggestion here that you be patient with anger on your husband's part

You can tell him that you are willing to give him Just Compensation by building a romantic relationship with him that was better than the marriage you had before the affair.

But you cannot do that if he is going to abuse you. And you will not tolerate his AOs.

Markos I hope that you are not getting that from my post.

Reading both threads it seems that his anger is coming from her impatience.

Yes he does need anger management and conflict resolution classes. But this is a two way street

Markos I hope that you are not getting that from my post. Reading both threads it seems that his anger is coming from her impatience. From her setting the timeline or lying. that could be true or false. But if his anger is coming from impatience, then by her being patient with his pain then his anger will be less.

Yes he does need anger management and conflict resolution classes. But this is a two way street and mrs Cen also needs to clean up her side of the fence.

Yes, I agree - though as I said he's posted on his thoughts regarding his anger and the reasons behind them.

I must continue to be diligent I'm my EP's for him, as I know that a lot o his anger comes from insecurities he's still (obviously) feeling.

I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"

What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."

To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."

Are you being sensitive to his needs to help him heal?

Angry Outbursts are the final and most inappropriate form of abuse and control. As long as either spouse can�t control their anger, their marriage has little hope of improving or being fulfilling. It�s not only an ineffective way to overcome problems, but it is also very dangerous. There are many cases every year of people who killed or maimed their spouse in a fit of rage, where they never thought they would do such a thing. I usually recommend that overcoming angry outbursts, and all other forms of abuse and control (demands and disrespectful judgments) be eliminated before trying to resolve conflicts, or even trying to meet emotional needs. Your sincere effort to please a controlling and abusive husband puts you in a dangerous position both emotionally and physically. So until your husband learns to control his temper, I wouldn�t even consider trying to meet his emotional needs.

I'm not 100% sure about the direction it's coming from. I believe he still has questions regarding the timeline and hopefully we will be able to address them soon. I agree I need to do my part and "clean up my side". All I know is that I love him and I will do whatever needs to be done for however long it needs to be done to have the marriage we both want.

Angry Outbursts are the final and most inappropriate form of abuse and control. As long as either spouse can�t control their anger, their marriage has little hope of improving or being fulfilling. It�s not only an ineffective way to overcome problems, but it is also very dangerous. There are many cases every year of people who killed or maimed their spouse in a fit of rage, where they never thought they would do such a thing. I usually recommend that overcoming angry outbursts, and all other forms of abuse and control (demands and disrespectful judgments) be eliminated before trying to resolve conflicts, or even trying to meet emotional needs. Your sincere effort to please a controlling and abusive husband puts you in a dangerous position both emotionally and physically. So until your husband learns to control his temper, I wouldn�t even consider trying to meet his emotional needs.

You can tell him that you are willing to give him Just Compensation by building a romantic relationship with him that was better than the marriage you had before the affair. But you cannot do that if he is going to abuse you.

All true.

Equally true is the fact that you cannot "tell him" anything if he does not trust your words. Discounting all the "he said/she said" about who in recent days said what, to whom, when, and in what context, what fairly LEAPS off his pages is that he believes he does not have the full story about the past, doubts your commitment in the present, and cannot project trust into your future.

Whether he blows up like the early NG, walks away like the later NG, or endures like the NG-Gandhi that will never be, your lack of trustworthiness in his eyes is PROBLEM NUMBER 1.

Nothing will move without that being repaired.

a little devil's advocate here but i do believe it's a two way street. from the other thread, i get the impression that Mrs. Cen gets pretty irritable when her BH makes requests (like dump the jacket).

i always find it interesting when a wayward gets the board's sympathy and support over the betrayed. you can disagree.

i too had an affair, mrs. cen. it took awhile for me to really see and understand the devastation my affair caused and i too was impatient while my BH got his head around it.

i think you could use some serious self reflection in terms of how he must feel about all of this. he is totally destroyed by your actions. i get the feeling you just don't get it and if you could, you might have more compassion.