Great! We can help you do this. First, I would get the book Surviving an Affair asap so you know what you are dealing with. It is on kindle and you can get it on kindle for PCs if you don't have a kindle or IPAD.

Secondly, I would do your best to try to persuade her not to leave. If you are separated, her affair is going to grow and thrive. It will be harder to save your marriage. So, see if you can stop that train. I would write her a love letter that says in effect that a) you want to have a happy, romantic, passionate marriage with her, b) you are willing to correct the mistakes of the past IF she will end her affair. Give her something like this:


Please click on the notify button and ask the mods to move this thread to the Surviving an Affair forum.

Does your wife know this? Your actions are more like revenge.

Your wife wants to see you fight for her.

The only thing going on here is that you have switched residences while continuing the separation.

Have you read this:

We understand. Most of us have been there, in one way or another.

If you want to save your marriage - first off, calm down! You need to stay focused and calm and rational to follow this plan. If your emotions have you all over the map so badly that you can't follow the steps exactly, you won't make it. So try to focus and use your rationality to override your emotions for a bit, even though underneath it is definitely raw and hurting worse than you ever thought possible.

Dr. Harley often suggests betrayed spouses get their doctor to prescribe an antidepressant for awhile after D-Day. An antidepressant has the effect of evening out the highs and lows of your emotions, giving you the chance to keep your wits about you and do what needs to be done. I used one myself when we were having trouble and I was too emotional to keep working - and it did the trick. My doctor even echoed just what Dr. Harley said, stating that he has seen a lot of patients who need something like this for a short time "so they can do what needs to be done" in a crisis.

The not leaving train departed already, she moved out. There is no talking her into coming back here to work on it in the same house. Believe me, I tried.

I actually did write her a letter nearly identical to that, as well as numerous in-person conversations, but she still insisted on a separation.

I think I'm doing pretty much everything in Plan A, the only thing is, we are separated, this isn't going to happen with us living together(I want it to be living together, but it's just not possible to convince her to not be separated).

I really don't need meds, I feel ok in that regard, feel pretty strong. Been working a lot, no worries there.

You registered six days ago and have 22 posts.

There is no way you even know what all is involved in Plan A, yet.

Slow down, friend. Get educated.

Who did you expose to and what did you say? Is OM married or have a girlfriend?

How did you find out? Did your wife return home with him? What happened?

You need to work with us and give us more information if you want constructive help in recovering your marriage.

Have you watched those videos I linked to, yet, before pronouncing your Plan A perfect?

I notice that the first time I posted them, you replied "I read all that," even though you hadn't actually viewed the videos. You probably hadn't read all the articles, either.

It sounds to me like you have a tendency to quickly reply but to skip the important educational materials. This board really can't help you if you aren't going to do the work yourself to LEARN Dr. Harley's plan "Marriage Builders" so that you can USE that plan to save your marriage.

If you are committed to LEARNING and USING the plan, we can help you greatly with that!

Melody put a lot of thought and time in her post only to have you come back and tell us that you have already done that.

It would have been helpful to Melody to have known that so she could have saved herself the time.

That is really frustrating when you are trying to help someone. Posters will stop replying to your thread if they find that they are just wasting their time.

I found out when over the weekend, she wasn't where she told me she was going to be, and I figured out where she was due to a hunch(I could go into that, but it's not really important or relevant - it has to do with cell phone reception areas). Bottom line is I caught her, I confronted her, and she admitted to being with that person and spending the night on the boat. She wouldn't admit to physical stuff, but did admit that she was in communication with him all these weeks since we met the POS, and that she wants to continue to see him. I have made it VERY clear how I don't find it acceptable, and how it is devastating my life and our marriage.

I exposed it to family and friends. Everyone knows.

I'm sorry if I haven't read everything just yet, this is all only a week old, there is a lot to read here, and a ton of other things I have to take care of otherwise given the situation. On top of all of that, my job has placed an exhorbitant amount of pressure on me(basically the fate of 50 people's jobs is riding on my small team to produce a deliverable in the near future).

I'll read more of it soon, I promise. Thanks to everyone that has been trying to help me, I'm going to focus on using this site from here on out with regards to this, seems like the best advice is coming here.

You need to ask for their support in saving your marriage by using their influence to get your wife to do the right thing.

It is crucial to expose the OM. Without that, he is free to pursue your wife because no one is watching him or knows the truth about his adultery. His friends and family will welcome your wife because they think she is separated and divorcing. They need to know that HE is assaulting someone else's family and is the reason for the separation.

Is he married? Does he work at the marina?



She already knows that. Exposure and having to explain it to her peers (dose of reality) will get you farther than trying to educate her.

I wanted to go back and mention, Plan B is not likely to save a man's marriage. It's for protecting you from unendurable abuse. If you want to save your marriage, you have to stay in Plan A. If it starts to feel unendurable, try the antidepressants before moving to Plan B.

Right on.

Question - the OM threatened with me with physical violence in writing. I'm pretty sure I can get a restraining order against him if I wanted. He spends a lot of time at this marina because his father keeps a boat there. This is a place that I hang out quite a bit at too. Should I get the restraining order, or is that not a great idea and in violation of Plan A? I mean, honestly, I could just avoid going there this summer, but should I be making things harder on them having this affair, or does that seem vindictive and petty? It's not like I'm really afraid of him.

Oh - more info on him - he is not married. His family is aware now.

I would get the restraining order. If you are lucky, the judge will also order him to stay away from your wife.

Plan A does not require you to be nice to the affair partner.

O.k, will do.

Have you watched the videos yet?

Not yet, I did read most of the articles though. Busy work day/night/all nighter - but I do plan on watching them first chance I get, thanks.

One thing I am doing is trying to slow down all of this. It's been a real whirlwind week. Tomorrow I'm going to a ballgame, saturday taking my friends out on my boat. Things that I can look forward too and make myself happy. Not doing anything quick and rash(and so far I really haven't, other than stupidly deciding initially to be the one to move out and rent that apartment).

I'd show his written threats to her family. That will warm up his welcome!

Also notify the marina. Perhaps they might consider moving his families boat away from yours (and to a less desirable location as a side effect). I'm sure they don't want his kind of trouble.

Eric,

Isn't making terroristic threat a crime you can get OM hauled off to jail for?

God Bless
Gamma

Yes. When I was a teen, I went to juvenile jail for making terroristic threats

Update:

I did write another letter to her, based on how Melodylane wrote it. I don't know if she has seen it just yet, but she will certainly by this evening.

We are still separated, she is still seeing the OM, and living in the apartment. I've exposed everything, I don't know that it will help(I feel like her moral compass is completely gone right now), though her father said she better never bring the [censored] to his house. Thursday I went with her father to a ballgame, and we talked about it some. Everyone in her family feels like she is making a huge, selfish mistake. As far as the OM's family is concerned, they all are aware too, and have apparently been from the start. I think they even condone it. They are a bunch of scumbags, TBH. Our friends know, and all think she is being an idiot.

That aside, I've been able to control myself around her, not get too upset, and judgmental. She knows what she is doing is destroying me, and everything we built over the last 13 years, so I try to stay strong around her when I do see her. I've been trying to spend time with friends, but they aren't always available. Yesterday I took my boat out by myself, because I thought it would be good to do, but soon found myself feeling lonely and depressed, and remembering all of the good times we had on it together. A couple of times I just fell apart and sobbed below deck. Eventually I pulled myself together and brought the boat back where I docked and cleaned up and got dinner alone in the marina. I had a few beers, and made a couple of new friends, went back to my boat and slept. I woke up feeling worse than ever, and came home and spent some time with my cats. Being home, and seeing them made me feel a bit better.

I still can't believe she is doing this, and that it ever happened. I know I played a role in pushing her away from me, but not once ever did I think the marriage was in trouble, and I never thought that she would ever cheat. I feel like my life is a living death right now. I don't want to, or think I need to, go on medication. I do need to mourn all of this, I think it is natural. As long as I can stay strong in front of her, I'll be ok.

She was supposed to stop by yesterday and pick up some of our furniture, but she never showed up. Tonight I'm going to meet a friend for dinner and watch the game. I feel like each day is some new challenge, but the weekends are brutal.