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Would you consider approaching him as someone who is really hurting and needs encouragement? I'd really love for him to use this forum one day. I would approach him as someone who is very manipulative and has hurt his wife for years. I will encourage him in behaving like a respectful, caring husband to his wife. Does he want to change in how he approaches being a husband? If so, he would find that people treat him differently here. But let him know that I will be his staunchest supporter if he is serious about becoming a better husband. No one here will support him in being a bully husband, though. Is he serious about applying this program in his marriage? We will see by his next steps.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And most importantly, Anointed, are you serious about holding him accountable? Are you serious about leaving when he has angry outbursts? I will continue to do my part as well, and if he has AOs I will take the kids and leave the house to let him adjust. I give him permission to do the same if I am acting inappropriately. He says I don't scream and yell like I used to but I do speak rudely which he perceives to be an AO. So he is going to leave the house with the kids when you are rude? Do I read this correctly? Or is this another version of the tit for tat game?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you MelodyLane.
I know you care about people and want their marriages to succeed. No one spends as much time on a forum like this putting out fire after fire without truly loving people.
He has read everything that we have posted.
I guess we will see.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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He will not post here because he does not like the way you talk to him, and he is upset that I have not come to his defense. He doesn't understand how you can know MB principles but will use DJs here on the forum. Is he willing to come here with an open mind and learn and apply this program? No one will have any reason to talk to him disrespectfully if he will follow the program instead of coming here and arguing with posters.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And most importantly, Anointed, are you serious about holding him accountable? Are you serious about leaving when he has angry outbursts? Yes ML. I'm serious. I didn't realize what I was doing, and now I see it. Yes, I'm very serious about leaving when he has AOs or any LB for that matter. So he is going to leave the house with the kids when you are rude? Do I read this correctly? Or is this another version of the tit for tat game? He said he would. I hope he is serious about making changes in this marriage. I can't control if he will follow through. But I will.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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He will not post here because he does not like the way you talk to him, and he is upset that I have not come to his defense. He doesn't understand how you can know MB principles but will use DJs here on the forum. Is he willing to come here with an open mind and learn and apply this program? No one will have any reason to talk to him disrespectfully if he will follow the program instead of coming here and arguing with posters. No, he is not willing to come here. I told him that things would be different if he would come with humility and a willingness to learn, but he doesn't feel it was right that he was attacked right at the getgo. He said that he was put on the defensive, and he is incredibly hurt that I didn't stand up and stop the disrespectful comments.
Last edited by Anointed; 06/27/13 09:21 AM.
Married 20 yrs
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Him: FWH
4 children
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No, he is not willing to come here. I told him that things would be different if he would come with humility and a willingness to learn, but he doesn't feel it was right that he was attacked right at the getgo.
He said that he was put on the defensive, and he is incredibly hurt that I didn't stand up and stop the disrespectful comments. If he comes here and is argumentative and unwilling to learn, he will get his butt kicked all over the place. But if he comes here with a willingness to learn we will be his staunchest supporters. He is a big boy, though, and can take it if he is serious about changing his approach to marriage. Wild horses will not run off a person who is serious about changing their marriage. Like they told me in AA once: "take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth" if you want to learn something. Does he want to learn something?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He will not post here because he does not like the way you talk to him, and he is upset that I have not come to his defense. He doesn't understand how you can know MB principles but will use DJs here on the forum. Is he willing to come here with an open mind and learn and apply this program? No one will have any reason to talk to him disrespectfully if he will follow the program instead of coming here and arguing with posters. No, he is not willing to come here. I told him that things would be different if he would come with humility and a willingness to learn, but he doesn't feel it was right that he was attacked right at the getgo. He said that he was put on the defensive, and he is incredibly hurt that I didn't stand up and stop the disrespectful comments. Shoot, I guess he doesn't want to learn how to fix his marriage, keep you, and get his needs met, then. I don't remember being disrespectful to him, although I might have been. I would love to help him if he wants to post. Your job now is going to be to start working on a positive situation for YOU and make sure this is a negative for HIM. Let him know you are willing to meet his needs if he is ready to start taking steps to make it reciprocal and eliminate his love busters, but you are not going to keep doing it if he doesn't change. It's time to follow the policy of joint agreement: do nothing without enthusiasm from both spouses. Don't be enthusiastic about unilaterally meeting his needs any more, Anointed!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I agree that we should spend time together as a family, but I do believe Ship has committed to 15 hrs/week UA time (real UA time) Don't believe this until he produces a written schedule for those hours with you and starts carrying them out. I believe he has committed to learning to eliminate all DJs and AOs. Again, look for actual actions. Look for him shutting up and/or leaving the room when he realizes he's starting to feel frustrated or disrespectful. Look for him being open to you letting him know when he's been demanding, disrespectful, or angry. Write these incidents down and give him a report once a week and look for him to welcome the information so he can eliminate them.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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He will not post here because he does not like the way you talk to him, and he is upset that I have not come to his defense. Hey, Ship, are you reading? NOBODY SHOULD COME TO THE DEFENSIVE OF ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR IN MARRIAGE, like demands, disrespect, or anger. Nobody should come to the defense of neglect in marriage. We are not "disrespectful" for thinking you should protect and take care of your wife. It's what you signed up to do when you got married. It is not disrespectful for us to hold you accountable. How is that any more "disrespectful" than you telling your wife that she should unconditionally meet your needs even though you are NOT meeting hers and are abusive to her?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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No, he is not willing to come here. I told him that things would be different if he would come with humility and a willingness to learn, but he doesn't feel it was right that he was attacked right at the getgo.
He said that he was put on the defensive, and he is incredibly hurt that I didn't stand up and stop the disrespectful comments. If he comes here and is argumentative and unwilling to learn, he will get his butt kicked all over the place. But if he comes here with a willingness to learn we will be his staunchest supporters. He is a big boy, though, and can take it if he is serious about changing his approach to marriage. Wild horses will not run off a person who is serious about changing their marriage. Like they told me in AA once: "take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth" if you want to learn something. Does he want to learn something? I won't know til I see it. Ship?
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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Suggestion: start listening to Marriage Builders radio together every day. Will Ship do this with you?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Anointed, you are getting GREAT ADVICE from Markos! Please follow it to the letter!!
Will you do this?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Shoot, I guess he doesn't want to learn how to fix his marriage, keep you, and get his needs met, then.
I don't remember being disrespectful to him, although I might have been. I would love to help him if he wants to post.
Your job now is going to be to start working on a positive situation for YOU and make sure this is a negative for HIM. Let him know you are willing to meet his needs if he is ready to start taking steps to make it reciprocal and eliminate his love busters, but you are not going to keep doing it if he doesn't change. It's time to follow the policy of joint agreement: do nothing without enthusiasm from both spouses. Don't be enthusiastic about unilaterally meeting his needs any more, Anointed! I told him that I really felt you could help him, markos. I don't think you've been disrespectful. I appreciate the "permission" to wait for Ship to take action before I meet his needs.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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Would you consider approaching him as someone who is really hurting and needs encouragement? I would and have approached him as a man who could fix all this really quickly if he'd get motivated.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I agree that we should spend time together as a family, but I do believe Ship has committed to 15 hrs/week UA time (real UA time) Don't believe this until he produces a written schedule for those hours with you and starts carrying them out. I believe he has committed to learning to eliminate all DJs and AOs. Again, look for actual actions. Look for him shutting up and/or leaving the room when he realizes he's starting to feel frustrated or disrespectful. Look for him being open to you letting him know when he's been demanding, disrespectful, or angry. Write these incidents down and give him a report once a week and look for him to welcome the information so he can eliminate them. Ok. I'll look for the follow through.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Didn't read your posts until now. We've been discussing our "options" tonight.
I think we are both serious about making some major changes. Anointed, the main change that you need to make is to STOP putting up with his abuse and STOP giving him unconditional love. Tell him he can have unconditional love on the condition that he gives you unconditional love!  Ship is hurting. And I hate it. He can stop it any time, and I am hoping he does! Remember to let it be his decision. He may choose to continue getting nothing, which he is going to get if he chooses to continue being abusive and neglectful. Right?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Anointed, you are getting GREAT ADVICE from Markos! Please follow it to the letter!!
Will you do this? Yes. I will do it.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
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Suggestion: start listening to Marriage Builders radio together every day. Will Ship do this with you? I can ask him. He said he would listen, but we didn't talk about doing it together.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
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Didn't read your posts until now. We've been discussing our "options" tonight.
I think we are both serious about making some major changes. Anointed, the main change that you need to make is to STOP putting up with his abuse and STOP giving him unconditional love. Tell him he can have unconditional love on the condition that he gives you unconditional love! Ship is hurting. And I hate it. He can stop it any time, and I am hoping he does! Remember to let it be his decision. He may choose to continue getting nothing, which he is going to get if he chooses to continue being abusive and neglectful. Right? Right. He is hurting because of the effects of exposure. He is a broken man.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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