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Joined: Apr 2001
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Joined: Apr 2001
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As far as the OM's family is concerned, they all are aware too, and have apparently been from the start. I think they even condone it. Unless YOU have personally spoken to his family they do not know what is really going on. They only know the wayward spin that went something like this: "WW has left her abusive husband is getting a divorce.[or is already divorced] In the meantime we have started a new relationship." Trust me that they did not "expose" the truth. This is why YOU need to expose the affair. And trust me, you were painted as an "abusive husband."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2011
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Sorry for all the pain you're experiencing. We understand what you're going through. I remember breaking down frequently and weeping when my FWW started her affair. Church was a big trigger for tears. Had to close the door of my office on many occasions because it just hits unexpected.
Exercise was very helpful, and friends and family helped a lot too.
Your boat trip and dinner at the marina may not have worked out for you, but you had the right idea. Keep doing things that will make you happy. Follow the plan, and know that this too shall pass.
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
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Eric,
As far as the OM's family is concerned, they all are aware too, and have apparently been from the start. I think they even condone it
The fact that the OM threatened you means he has someone he doesn't want you to contact, could be his grandmom, or son, or business associates, doesn't matter contact them all. There is some chance he is still married but "separated"
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 06/30/13 04:21 PM.
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Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 28
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OP
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Joined: Jun 2013
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Ok - maybe I wasn't clear - his "family" consists of a brother and father. I have no access to anyone else he might be related to, or any of his friends. Not everything is so cut and dried. These people are almost like gypsies.
He threatened me because he is a hot-headed [censored] who thought he could intimidate me after I told him to stay clear of my wife. Big mistake on his part for a lot of reasons I don't care to elaborate on at this time. He's not very educated, and not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Part of me believes that she is involved with him, because there is no future with a guy like this. He really has all the traits that over the years she said she openly despised in people.
But, I digress...
She seems to be wavering slightly on all of this. Before she was so adamant that it was all over, and that we were divorcing, lately she has been in the "a separation is what I need for now" kind of mindset. I had been moving forward with refi'ing the house, and she asked me to hold off. Not sure what to make of it, or if it gives me any hope. But it is a change. Honestly, me, her family and friends, think she is highly confused right now.
On another note, I've been doing well in controlling my emotions around her when I have seen her, and stopped questioning it all, etc. I wrote and recorded a song for her(it wasn't some "oh please come back" sappy stuff either, but still romantic in a way), and she seemed really impressed with it. She actually even smiled for the first time since all of this started. Did I mention I am somewhat of a total badass guitar player? Ok, maybe not that great, but I kinda doubt OM is writing songs for her. Trying to be nice, and through actions remind her of the kind of man she fell in love with all those years ago.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
On another note, I've been doing well in controlling my emotions around her when I have seen her, and stopped questioning it all, etc. I wrote and recorded a song for her(it wasn't some "oh please come back" sappy stuff either, but still romantic in a way), and she seemed really impressed with it. She actually even smiled for the first time since all of this started. Did I mention I am somewhat of a total badass guitar player? Ok, maybe not that great, but I kinda doubt OM is writing songs for her. Trying to be nice, and through actions remind her of the kind of man she fell in love with all those years ago. Very good!!  You are in a position to compete with that scumbag and WIN. Most cheaters "affair down," by the way, so we are not surprised to hear this. If I were you, I would stick to this plan: The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
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Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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