Wipedout, with the ongoing tensions within the stepfamily, it may be wiser to not put yourselves in those situations.

Why would you be shopping with the girls for clothes with DH along? It's a tinder box awaiting a spark. Waaay too much togetherness right now when you can't even handle going out for dinner together.

As they say, sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.

Also, with respect to the matching shorts, girls that age can be very self conscious so SD might have been secretly worried that she would compare unfavorably to her stepsister in the same shorts if they were together.

In reading some of the escalations caused by your blended children, I urge you to consider learning stone cold, impartial parenting techniques, such as the "Love and Logic" program. You're having a hard time discerning what's fair and reasonable when your children are applying pressure. Many teachers use these techniques to maintain fairness in their classrooms which are the ultimate "blended" societal unit - many families and much immaturity. This technique gives children choices and consequences for their choices, which they are then to figure out how to fix.

Also, it's critical for children to be able to accept the occasional "because I said so". In this case, a "because I said so" to your daughter would have saved your family unit from breaking up that day - you HAVE to pull those out in emergencies and the children HAVE to understand that you'll do that sparingly but when you do, that's IT, that there's a bigger issue they just have to trust you with.

Finally, the children are NOT running the show, you and your husband are. You are allowing all of them entirely too much power in your blended family, subjecting your family stability to the childish behaviors of children. No marriage run by three junior high girls can survive.

Good show today!
What did you think about Dr. Harley's advice?

How are you feeling right now?

Dr. Harley's advice was greatly appreciated. I listened to it twice but didn't get the chance to hear it as much as I really need.

I have not blocked him from the house. I have not moved any of his things. I am trying to focus on completing the tasks that I should do whether he is here or not. This means I am doing things that are important to him still and coming up with a plan to hold my kids accountable for their actions. I could use the forums insight on my plan if interested. I have a month to get everything in alignment for my action plan as I want to start the school year with a fresh start to many things. I have incorporated ideas from my husband that I am enthusiastic about. It is better that he is not here as I feel judged and feel controlled. As you have seen, our methods of conflict resolution need major work.

I do see the strategy that was used in the last incident was not following the rules. My lesson from an earlier incident is that I should not reply defensively. My lesson from this incident is that I need to speak up and tell him I disagree and it is disappointing that we cannot coordinate our efforts. This should be my response to anything that comes out as a demand. I really need to make sure I pay attention on a request for insight verses a demand too.

Thanks for pointing out my mistake. I appreciate your insight.

Dr. Harley and Steve both think he will come back. I am not so sure. He tends to be one that when he makes up his mind, that�s it. It does hurt me deeply as I want to make this work, but I know I cannot do it alone. We both need some changes and if he is not willing to return on his own, then it speaks volumes as to his willingness to change alongside me.

I keep trying to remember the wonderful things about this man I married. He can be very caring, he loves his children so much, he interacts with his kids at a level you don�t see often. He works hard to provide. He has a Christian heart and a love for God. He can be fun and playful. He can be thoughtful and loving. He can be supportive, comforting and he is intelligent. He also provides strength in areas I have weakness. This is where I think a lot of conflict arises.

As far as how I feel, I'm a wreck a lot of the time. I struggle eating. I have not felt like eating in three days and if I think of food it makes me nauseous. I'm not really sleeping as much as I need at night but I am getting some sleep. My emotions go crazy when I do not keep a level head in the game. I pray more often, read scripture and reflect as much as I can. I'm going to grow through this no matter the outcome!!!

I'm glad you're working on things there at home. Sometimes getting a little routine is helpful to keep going. There's not much else you can do right now except to prepare yourself to not commit Lovebusters when you see him again. I know it's hard just waiting, but you can do it.

It is extremely hard!!!!!!!

I just got a text message from him �I would like to ask for the opportunity to stop by the house and get a couple of things. Can you please let me know a convenient time to do that? Thx.�

Please advise!!!!! I�m so scared of doing the wrong thing!!

Based on what Dr. Harley told you on the radio, I would say let him come by any time he wants, be calm and polite and friendly.

There's your answer for the current problem today: see him, don't commit Lovebusters. To do that, stay calm.

Thanks markos! It is interesting because I know this but my emotions tell me otherwise so it is easier when I hear it from another source. I guess I don't trust my own thoughts at times and there is good reason not to as my feelings get in the way too much. The only problem with that is that I don't always have access to bounce it off of someone so this is an issue I need to overcome somehow.

How does this response sound?

Of course you can come by our house to get some stuff. If you would like to share what you are looking for, I can possibly help get them ready for you. When are some times you would like to stop by? My schedule is fairly open.

I say "our house" because in arguements where he treatens to leave I have made the mistake of telling him this is my house. Stupid emotions make me say stupid things. In hindsite that was dumb of me to say. I want him to feel like this is his house. I have been so hurtful to him

Dr. Harley said this to me...

I�d offer a time that you would not be there. Let him know that you�d like him to come back home, but seeing him while separated would be too hard on you (which is true).

Do I go with what Steve suggested or his dad? Steve suggested I have a friend over with me. I be polite and friendly.

So is that an email response from Dr. Harley?

I like Dr. Harley's idea better, especially if you agree with him that it is true it would be hard on you to see him while separated.

It will be hard but I don't think the right thing is for him to come back home right now. He needs to look at himself in all this. When he is living here I hurt so much from the lack of love from him. Now that he is gone the silent treatment is easier to deal with because i am not seeing him. The only problem is that he is probably staying with his daughter and she seems to hate me. She will not provide any direction that would be toward him help fix the marriage.

Based on what Dr. Harley said the other day, I think he would say that since your husband left, for now it's up to him to make up his mind whether or not to come home.

Would a letter of my own reflection and apology to him be appropriate?

No. You're going to have to let him think about things and decide based on his own reasoning.

I hope you simply gave him a time that was good and made sure you weren't there. I tend to agree with Dr. Harley's suggestion. You and a friend being there when he gets his stuff may cause tension, which would hurt your situation.

DH was only here for 11 minutes Wednesday evening. No conversations only a few spoken words. He picked up a few things for his annual 4th cookout with his cousins. No other communication has been recieved from him. I have not tried to contact him, don't really want to at this point.

Interesting thing seems to be happening. I feel more at ease without DH here. I am still operating as if he still lives here by making sure I still do the things that he desires and I�m working on the things that I know are important to him. We had so much conflict over how to get them accomplished. I feel so at ease with implementing a plan. I cannot �do nothing�. This is about raising my children and I must move forward to hold them accountable with chores and homework. He left, he doesn�t get a vote when he chooses not to communicate with me.

When he is here I feel judged and it is hard to think let alone function. Our house is so much cleaner! I have realized that this house has changed since we married. There are old bad habits that have been changed successfully without an iron fist. He is still so critical of my children. He makes it sound like I am a bad mom and I am not! I am a loving mom who has not always held my children accountable but they are respectful (most of the time), polite (a lot of the time), well behaved (most of the time) children. Sure they make mistakes and push boundaries but I am getting a clearer picture about my life.

In all of this, I am becoming a better mom. It is nice not having the constant judged feeling hanging over the house. It is nice to finally be comfortable in our house. I remember telling him early on that I didn�t feel comfortable in our own house!! It was never addressed only demanded that this is the way it is going to be..... this was because of table manners. I felt he was so ridged at home that it was uncomfortable. He insisted they be as we expect elsewhere. I feel they are almost "high tea" standards. Its just uncomfortable when being at home. I wasn't taught mannors at home, but somehow i still ended up not being so discusting that he married me! we ate out a lot when we dated! I am all for teaching the kids but the rigidity made me feel so out of place in my own home!

I am so relaxed and able to breathe. Sure I do miss the positives he brings but there were so few over the past year and more negative that I am actually feeling relief. I kept so much to myself because I never felt like I could be me. Funny how that is what his XW said too. She also said he was controlling which I would now say as well. The difference here is that I�m not seeking out other relationships for comfort. I�m finding it with God. I�m still striving to do my part but I just think that the desire to want him back is deminishing with level headed thinking. He blames his XW on so many things, past behavior often predicts future behavior!

I�m working on budgeting my money to pay for my expenses should he decide to back out of the marriage. I think I have it all squared away. Right now, I�m glad I�m comfortable in my own home and I�m not sure I want that to change.

Still nothing from him. This is the same thing that he hates and hurts him so much that his daughter does to him when she is not getting her way.

So now you know where she learned this behaviour.

Here you go.
Radio Clip of wipedout's Show
Segment #2
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Segment #4