My kids are 16,12,10, and 3. I have to be honest and say that I am really not sure I am interested in a Plan B, I fear that makes me a bad person but I am tired of trying to bail out this sinking ship while he turns on the faucet. I would like to think that we could make it through however I just can not compete and am rather tired of trying. The problem is he knows me so well and knows what he needs to do to keep me there- dangle the carrot if you will.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Have you read this?
What are Plan A and Plan B?

Plan B is every bit as important for the person who is D'ing and has no desire whatsoever for R, as it is for someone who is still holding out hope. Plan B is for YOU FIRST, not him.

Good suggestions about trying to obtain an OOP. If that fails, and you have no other options to get him out, then you need to leave and take the kids with you. Ask for supervised visitation only, due to WH's violent history.

I very seldom advise a BS to leave their home, and am on board with changing locks and trying to bluff it out. BUT in cases of domestic abuse, the violence level is too dangerous for me to advise anyone to stay around. Wherever it is, you and the kids need to be somewhere that WH has no legal right to be. You need to protect them from him, in addition to yourself.

I agree. Can you and the kids go somewhere?

You need to get into Plan B ASAP.
How to Plan B Correctly

So you filed for a D because your abusive H makes your life a misery.

But you stopped because he got in a sulk? Because he wants you to endure the misery?

He chokes you. He dangles you over stairs. He has created such power that he can do whatever he wants with random skanks and sulks if you even dare suggest leaving this misery.

You will die in this marriage unless you get out now.

Find a lawyer who specialises in abuse and get top advice. Call a shelter. Even if you don't want to go to one, they give good advice.

Can you see how this statement serves as proof to a third party like me that you desperately need to get into plan B?

I suppose I should clarify. I am not sure I am interested in trying to make this marriage work any longer. I am interested in regaining control over my life. WH has improved his temper control through outside help and has no longer been physically abusive for years. We actually had some really good years- or so I thought. To hear him say it he has been miserable for years. Anyway the fact remains he likes the younger females and I am now 35 and not getting younger. I am trying to continue to put one foot in front of the other and do my very best to stand strong. I do well when he is not around and then second guess myself when he is because I want to remember the good times. I guess you are right, if I have any chance of continuing to move forward I need to do something more than taking care of everything while he comes and goes as he pleases. He has been gone since 5:30am yesterday without so much as a check in to see how his kids are doing---and one has a cellphone so he does not have to communicate with me. The kids are acting out, they need consistency too. Sigh.

I do have how to survive an affair and I have been reading it again. I have also been reviewing the Plan B layout since I have forgotten a lot in the last 9 years (when I did it last)...

KMEJ,
You can enter plan B by the end of this week and you should.
You don't need to read the book prior to doing so. The posters here can guide you using Dr Harley's recommendations ao you can stay focused on the tasks at hand instead of reading

Again, Plan B is for YOU, regardless of your desire for the M, or lack of it. And not that your M has zero chance, but close enough to it that I'd recommend that you walk away anyway.

I'm glad WH hasn't been violent for years, BUT his violence is extremely likely to resurface when he finds out he's losing control of you, and that a big case of the pouties isn't enough to bring you running back for more of his version of luvvvv.

For your own sake, you need complete NC from the craziness, and yes, for the protection of you and your family, too.

Plan B is for you! Check out my sig