|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4 |
We dated at the end of our separation, last summer, but I did Not know about OW during this time. I only found out when I was already back in the home, after I asked to come back,he agreed, and I told my husband this won't work if you keep contacting OW. Now we are trying to recover. It is not going as well as expected since original issues are reoccurring: arguing, denial of OW and extent of what actually transpired, refusal to get counseling, and working too much, not enough time together. What are we to do? Had I known he was dating during our separation pending a divorce that never happened and was mutually agreed to put on hold, I would have stayed out of the home until he proved he was ready to dedicate himself to the marriage. Saying so and doing nothing or not enough is not working. I do not want to move out again. What now? Welcome to MB nellandjackson. If you would please start your own thread then posters can give your situation the attention you need.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
What if I don't care? What if I just. don't. care. if I'm hurt anymore. Do you care about your children? If you don't care about yourself, do you care about them? I'm hurting them no matter what I do. I hurt them if I stay and become a wreck.
I hurt them if I leave. They will be more hurt if they lose you. Right now, they have lost you. You are checking out. You cannot be there for them when you are despairing like this. You need to get out and get healthy FOR them. I'm thinking. Yes I care, very, very much. I'm drowning and it's hard to see. I've been talking to my brother. He's been checking in on me.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Yes I care, very, very much. Hold on to that. Let it give you the strength to do what you need to do FOR THEM. Get out FOR THEM. If you can't do it for yourself, do it FOR THEM. I've been talking to my brother. He's been checking in on me. This is very good. Tell him you need out. Tell him you've thought of suicide.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4 |
What if I don't care? What if I just. don't. care. if I'm hurt anymore. Do you care about your children? If you don't care about yourself, do you care about them? I'm hurting them no matter what I do. I hurt them if I stay and become a wreck.
I hurt them if I leave. They will be more hurt if they lose you. Right now, they have lost you. You are checking out. You cannot be there for them when you are despairing like this. You need to get out and get healthy FOR them. I'm thinking. Yes I care, very, very much. I'm drowning and it's hard to see. I've been talking to my brother. He's been checking in on me. Good. Can you tell your brother to get you out for the sake of your children today?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
Yes I care, very, very much. Hold on to that. Let it give you the strength to do what you need to do FOR THEM. Get out FOR THEM. If you can't do it for yourself, do it FOR THEM. I've been talking to my brother. He's been checking in on me. This is very good. Tell him you need out. Tell him you've thought of suicide. I've told him. I'm very embarrassed. I hate being so fragile. I hate the way I feel. I hate that Ship may not believe me. Sometimes I just want to do it just to show him that I'm for real. My thoughts, feelings, needs are real and worth listening in EARNEST about.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
I hate being "that" person...the one being talked off a ledge. I just want to disappear. I hate feeling like a burden. Why all the fuss?
I'm sorry. I need to tend to a crying baby. I don't believe I'm selfish enough to do anything, so...
I'm super uncomfortable with all of this.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4 |
I hate being "that" person...the one being talked off a ledge. I just want to disappear. I hate feeling like a burden. Why all the fuss?
I'm sorry. I need to tend to a crying baby. I don't believe I'm selfish enough to do anything, so...
I'm super uncomfortable with all of this. All the fuss is that we care and you need help. Can you please call your brother now? Ask him to get you out? Please call 911. For your children.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,816
Administrator Member
|
|
Administrator Member
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,816 |
Anointed,
While the Marriage Builder's website cannot become involved in threats of this kind, please know that your pain is taken seriously. PLEASE contact a suicide crisis center in your area, call 1-800-SUICIDE or call your family physician.
PLEASE! We care!!
JustUss
Administrator/Moderator
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
I left the house to clear my head. Called a friend. She helped.
I called my doctor, and the receptionist said he can prescribe anti-depressants but she also said if it was really bad he would refer me to a therapist.
So I guess I'll go that route.
I don't want to hurt anybody, so I think I'm ok.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
There is nothing for you to be sorry for, Anointed.
You are running up against reality: this situation is not sustainable long term, and you cannot make Ship do what he needs to do.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Get yourself into a dark Plan B bubble where you can recover. If Ship decides he wants to keep his marriage, he can start dating you at any time.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4 |
Get yourself into a dark Plan B bubble where you can recover. If Ship decides he wants to keep his marriage, he can start dating you at any time. I agree Annointed. Can you stay with some family or friends?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478 |
We hold you in our hearts since we can't hold your hand or give you a real hug. Like others have said, contact your family, your friends, get their help. Don't suffer alone, I am praying for you.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
We hold you in our hearts since we can't hold your hand or give you a real hug. Like others have said, contact your family, your friends, get their help. Don't suffer alone, I am praying for you. Couldn't say it any better ...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478 |
I hope you let us know today how you are doing, Anointed, even if it's just a short post.
Last edited by LifetimeLearner; 08/10/13 05:37 AM.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Anointed - hoping to hear from you today.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
Sorry. I'm here.
Ship and I have tried to talk about a few things, and we are getting nowhere. Felt really hopeless just now and told him. He said I need help, maybe call the police or locked up in a mental institution.
He's upset. I gave up on some things and stopped taking care of him. His aunt is our realtor and I told her what was going on. She divorced several years ago bc her husband was unfaithful. I finally felt like I could reach out to her and say that I knew how she felt. I told her about our past and told her about our present. It felt good to reach out and connect with her.
Ship wants to know if I will always feel the need to minister using our past as n example. I realize that once exposed I should never bring it up, and I don't to him.
How do y'all post about your past on this forum and it not hurt your recovered marriage? Ship has a right to know if it will always be a subject of discussion when ministering to others. I'm super transparent. Ship is private.
I guess I'm screwing up right and left. If I want to make this work, I will have to choose Ship's feelings over my desire to help others (and receive beauty for ashes).
Go easy on me but please help me sort this out. I don't want Ship to hurt.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
I haven't glossed over your plan B recommendations.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478 |
I'm glad to hear from you.
You can talk to others (including an aunt) to give or receive help (of course, with the caveat of no opposite gender intimate conversation).
Based on what you relayed, I think separation is in order. Neglect is as much a reason as infidelity or abuse. I find it just so cold that he said you need help by police or locked up in an institution.
How soon before you get your AD's?
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (1 invisible),
431
guests, and
71
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
