For a suggestion on a part of plan a from a far. I dont think it would hurt to write her a letter expressing that you care about her.

You will make mistakes or what seem like mistakes from time to time throughout this ordeal. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It's not like you've done this before or had any training. Do the best you can and realize that sometimes the mistakes aren't mistakes at all and you'll both look back and say that was a turning or decisive point. Usually this occurs when the BH tries to avoid all conflict and appeases/enables their WW thinking that being the nice guy is what's gonna help the most. Calm righteous indignation isn't a mistake. Standing up for yourself isn't a mistake. There's times to swallow this stuff as you attempt to recover and other times you need to stand up for yourself and say "I matter too".

One mistake I will warn you about is posting on multiple forums. There are chat forums out there frequented by mostly unrepentant wayward persons that will do all they can to distract you and discourage you from following the MB plan. Because MB is the most successful program out there and it's offered pretty much FREE on the web it has many detractors. From professionals that don't like trying to make money on the web against FREE advice here to others that simply have a grudge against MB because they were booted/banned from here for misinforming posters and trying to tell people things such as "MB plans simply don't work for BH/WW scenarios" when it clearly works. They will cloud your judgement and play upon your fears to beat you down and get you to accept hopelessness. Don't be swayed. There IS hope. I can't guarantee anything but MB worked for us. My wife and I arrived here in 2005 and we, along with many of our online friends here over years, have built an affair proof marriage that is significantly better than our marriage before.

One last thing...when I say MB clearly works that might mean success for you means you end up "successfully" divorced. We have successfully help guide thousands of betrayed spouses from discovery day through their divorce in the most healthy manner possible. "Trying" to save your marriage is a noble thing to do. It's tough giving up on someone you truly love and want to save from obviously destroying their life (notice I didn't say yours because you will make it either way). However, ultimately, nobody can make your wayward spouse wake up and repent. If you, God forbid, end up divorced...by utilizing MB you'll be self-assured that you did all you could to save her and be able to move on with your life without second guessing yourself.

You can do this.

Godspeed,

Mr. W

WW: I hate you! You destroyed my life!
You: Yes, adultery destroys lives.
WW: I'll never forgive you!
You: I'll be able to forgive you.
WW: I was thinking of coming back, and now you ruined everything!
You: You should have seen what our adorable doggie just did! (Insert adorable doggie story.)

Whatever she says, agree with her in a way that turns it back on her, and if you can't think of a way to do that, completely change the subject. ("Hey, wanna go out for some ice cream?" "I saw the funniest thing the other day..." "I heard it might rain tomorrow. What do you think?")

Your message on the subject of exposure: Our marriage is valuable, and I will do all in my power to fight for it.

It's time to start responding to her texts, but not necessary replying to what she actually said in her texts.

I agree with Neak and Mr. W.

Now isn't the time to completely ignore her. Now is the time to insert some Plan A memories. Just be educated on WW fogbabble.

Here.
Female Wayward Fog Disassembled and Decoded
Never Take the Word of a Wayward
Wayward Fog Disassembled and Decoded

x10

I couldn't have said it any better. Thanks Mr. W.

Lost,
MrWondering has been around on this site for many years, experienced infidelity, is a lawyer and is definitely a veteran of marriage builders. Please read his message thoroughly.


Most newbies are clueless on procedure. Do not be discouraged.

While I do visit other sites may I endorse MrW's view. There are no other sites with as much sound info as this one.

Thanks guys heres an update. I went and talked to WS father yesterday. He told me the letters were spiteful and I should not have done that. I told him that was not my intent I was doing what I felt was right to stop the A and fight for our marriage. The whole time WS father was telling me the ship has already sailed and to let it go. He said to try and make myself happy at this point.

I have not texted WS or tried to call her. She has not tried to contact me either. I have noticed her spending a lot of time on FB. She changed her profile pic to a pic of her and her friends. Her profile still has our last name and still says married to me.

Should I try to contact her today, tomorrow, when? And what types of things should I say. I know Plan A should be put in full effect at this point. I don't want to come off weak or like I'm begging her.

L&S

I would wait to see if she contacts you and when/if she does......be pleasant but do not talk relationship with her. If it seems plausible, you could invite her to eat supper or go to the movies with you. Just be prepared she may be nasty in reply. Don't let that hurt you. Expect it. You invite knowing she is probably too agitated to accept. If she does, try to be pleasant. Remember, do not get into relationship talks.

WS father can have his opinions about exposure but he is not the person who decides if you fight for the marriage or not. You decide. Only you.

I forgot to add this important piece of information. Saturday morning I woke up to a FB message that was sent at 4:22 A.M. from a girl I went to HS that said call me. Around 8:30 A.M. I did and she told me OM brother showed her the exposure message I sent. She said she started to cry. I asked why and apparently Om is the father of her youngest child. Mind you she is married now.

She told me they still talk but he does not pay child support or have anything to do with the child, but she still has feelings for OM.

I said ok as you seen from the message this is what is going on. I am trying to protect my marriage. She said it will stop I have him control over him. I said what do you mean. She said if I make him pay child support through the state he wont be able to afford his house.

I said ok she she told me she texted him and told him to stop or he will hear from his lawyer. I said let me know if you hear back.

10 minutes ago she texted me and said he agreed to stop seeing/having contact with my WS. He agreed to pay her child support not through the state but an agreement they worked out. I said has he told WS yet. She said it will be done by morning.

I said I will need solid proof. She said I will see him tomorrow and screen shot his convo w/ WS and sent it to you.

This is one twisted circle! I don't know whether to believe it or not. I question everything.

L&S

Of course you should question it
but

if it is true that OM is the father of her child....ha ha ha on your exposure reaching his baby's mama!

Exposure is powerful stuff whether greeted with support or criticism.

It was the right thing to do.

I agree 100%. It had to be done.

Do you have theses messages from OM's baby mama in writing?

It's a nice twist BUT....this woman has NO control over him!
He probably has other girlfriends and these types of people don't respond to child support blackmail.

If anything she was probably upset because she wants to have an affair with him.

I would let it play out but don't think for a second you are in control of them

So she says. This means nothing. This is a third party (who, BTW, appears to have an ax to grind about OM.)

Most of it was conversation on the phone. Apparently OM told WS about it because WS blocked her on FB. So OM is trying to play all angles. He is scared about child support but he wants to keep WS in his corner too. I will try to get more information from this other girl.

L&S

This means he will just have to be sneakier BUT the exposure is putting a higher and higher price tag on this A. Not the kind you can count in dollars and cents, but in having people look down on him. The A has to be more and more exciting for both parties, in order to compensate for the price they keep having to pay, and pay, and pay. Eventually it can't keep up, and that's when it starts to collapse.

So you've by no means seen the end of this thing, but you've struck it pretty hard. The ripples from this will keep impacting the "fun" of the adulterers.

Too bad your FIL buys into the "just follow your heart" crap, when as the Bible says, the heart is desperately wicked. We need to do what's right because it's right, and not just do whatever feels good. It takes waywards a while to get that message. Though some never really do, the ones that catch on are well worth the fight. Telling him was still good, and even if he doesn't come down on his wayward DD like he should, she still is going to squirm having her daddy know that she's been catting around.

You did good staying on message with him. "I love my wife, and I'm fighting for our M." Kinda tough to argue with that one, even if you want to.

In addition to responding nicely to any texts she sends, and giving her a no-strings-attached invite ever now and again, keep the house in tip top shape. Let it be a refuge to her when she does choose to come over. Somewhere safe and cozy, where she won't be grilled about her atrocious choices, but simply welcomed for the time that she stays there. Be cheerful, upbeat, and attractive. If at some point you feel she might tolerate a little affection, then try it, with no goal or hope of SF to follow. She needs to be checked for STD's anyway before you even think of going that direction.

Be the better choice. Be her haven. Show her what she'll be missing if she never comes back.

Don't stress the baby mama angle too much. Just if you get proof of a continued A (which of COURSE it's going to continue at this point), share it with the baby mama. I doubt it will put a hard and fast end to the A by itself, but even having to deal with this drama will make the A an even less fun place to be.

I went and talked to WS father yesterday. He told me the letters were spiteful and I should not have done that.

So now you know EXACTLY the penalty for "staged" exposure. WW, alarmed, got to Poppy, and gave a weepy account of her version of her martial ordeal, and he, likely having the native intelligence of most modern Americans, (as in: stupider than a box o' rocks) immediately believed what he was told, by his "little girl".

Oh, well, continue to maintain your position, and remain cordial to this sad moron. If your marriage recovers, you can someday tell him exactly how damaging his vacillation proved to be when you needed him to demonstrate integrity and courage.