I will start off with my background I am 28 years old and my wife is 25. We have been together for 8 years and only married for 10 months. No kids just a dog. No abuse. We both hardly ever drink/ no drugs. We both have steady jobs but she absolutely hates hers.


Like every relationship we have had our share of fights throughout the years. But when we would fight we would not talk about it we would text and ignore each other. But after a few days we would go back to normal and it would feel like love again.


I am in the military and had annual training coming up. Everything was going good. She was ordering canvas prints of our wedding photos and planning on how she was going to decorate the house while I was gone. It was good.


I left for annual training which is two weeks long. We did not talk much while I was gone but we texted everyday. My wife even came to see me one day while I was there. When I returned home is when things got complicated. I returned on a 26 July and things seemed ok but a little odd.


27 July, we spent the day together but I noticed she was being distant. Not wanting to cuddle or hold my hand just no affection. On the evening of 27 July she told me "I know you just got home but can I go out with my friends." I told her that was fine even though it upset me. She went out and we began to text. I told her she was acting distant and this made her angry that I was confronting her. This turned into a fight.


28 July, since we fought the night before we didn't talk at all. 29 July, I go to work and upon my return she has a bag packed and tells me she is going to stay w/ her friend for a few days.(She went to stay w/ her parents who live 6 houses down from ours)


I ask why and she tells me that she is not happy and hasn't been for a long time. You need someone who is going to take care of you. She tells me its not you its me. I asked her if she was leaving me and she said yes this is probably going to end in divorce. She said give me my space and let me figure this out.


I could not do that I was scared and shocked, I was texting her the whole night pleading for her to try to work this out. She kept telling me she is over it and its too far gone. She said I love you but I am not in love with you.


30 July, the texting continues in the same fashion I am pleading for our marriage but she is not having it. She keeps apologizing for putting me through this.


31 July, there is not much contact she has started to be short with me. Telling me she needs her space. I being scared did not do that I kept texting and started to wonder if there was someone else.


1 August, I am at work miserable not knowing what to do and wondering if there was someone else. I began to snoop. I got online and looked at her phone records and noticed that on the 24th of July(two days before I got home) she started texting a phone number that looked familiar.


I typed it in on my phone and a childhood friend's number pops up.( A$$ hat lives three doors down from our house) I began to search further and the texting had not stopped starting usually around 7 a.m and not ending until midnight. She was texting him while she was with me.


I freaked out and came home from work cause I was going crazy thinking about this. She not knowing I was home, came home from work to let our dog out. Then I confronted her. told her I knew and she kept trying to deny it. I told her about the phone records and she said he has nothing to do with this.(Mind you he has two DUI's, smokes, no drivers license and will be put on house arrest in September for 90 days)MY wife hates smoker and people who drink every night of the week which he does.


I began to feel worthless cause he is a loser and 100% opposite of me. I have always given her everything she wanted. I began to cry and ask for her to stop texting him and she avoided it and told me again she does not want to be in this anymore. She doesn't want to be talked into something she doesn't really want. I broke down started having a panic attack and crying like crazy. She hugged me and told me she was sorry for doing this. She then told me she had to go back to work and she loved me.


I texted her when she got to work and asked if we could sit down and talk(mind you this whole time she has been avoiding physical contact w/ me)she agreed. I left it at that. Later that evening I hadn't heard from her so texted and asked if she was still coming by. Her response I don't think so I don't want to be talked into something I don't want.


I texted and asked if she would come get the dog, I did not want to be alone and was going to stay with a close friend. I told her who he was.After I left she came and got the dog.


2 August, we text and she tells me she I still done. I ask her to go to marriage counseling and she tells me " no I offered in the past and you said we didn't need it", which I did. She also tells me you will never be able to get over this and now everyone knows and will hate me. I assure her that I love her she is my best friend and I can get past this.


She fights it but eventually gives in. She has agreed to marriage counseling, so I set it up. The earliest we could get in is Thursday August 8th. She says she will go. I tell her I want to do this cause it will help our marriage and help me get over this. So we can start communicating and compromising on everything and she agrees.


I tell her I love her with all my heart and always will. She responds I know me too. I offer to take the dog back cause I know she has a busy weekend helping with a golf classic. She agrees for me to help and tells me he needs to go to the vet. I agree to take him and she keeps thanking me for helping. I have been texting her every night telling her I love and miss her. Every time no response. I text her and tell her I will text her after his appointment. She responds ok.


3 August, I take the dog to the vet then text her tell her what's going on with him and she thanks me and seems normal. We text throughout the day nothing big just small talk. That evening she starts getting short with me. instead of getting upset I leave her alone.


I go on a motorcycle ride with my buddy and get home around 11. I have to drive by her parents and A$$ hats house to get to ours. I notice her car is at home and all his lights are on. I text her and ask what's up no response. I text a little bit later and no response.


Now my initial thought is she is with him. I start to think crazy thoughts about what they are doing. So I sneak over to his house and list in the windows. She is there and they are talking. I listen for a while then it gets quiet for a few minutes. He must have heard me cause he then comes outside.


I ask him what he is doing he says drinking a beer(imagine that) I asked him if I could have one and he invites me in. I walk in the kitchen and see her on his couch. She looks sick to her stomach knowing I know what's going on. I ask him to go outside and we talk. He tells me he stoop up for me and told her to work things out with me. He then says he has feelings for her. I asked if they had sex he says no they have only kissed. I believe this to be true. I walk in and talk to my wife alone.

She is furious. I assure her I am not angry I just don't understand why she is doing this. She says I am not happy and you cant make me happy. I assure her counseling will help and I can get over this. I ask her why she agreed to counseling she tells me so you can get over this and be ok. Again she tells me I will never be able to get over this. I ask her why is she down here and why did she kiss him. She states its my choice and walks outside.


Him and I begin to talk and he gets drunken angry. Tells me not to blame him for all of this. My marriage was broken and this is not his fault. He gets in my face and I tell him to calm down. He doesn't so I begin to get angry and want to kick this guys a$$. My wife tells me lets leave lets go home.


A$$ hat gets mad and slams the door and says have a nice fu**ing marriage. We go home and begin to talk. I am upset but calm. I assure her I can get past this and we can make this marriage work. I tell her she just has to leave him alone. She says can we just talk about this Thursday at counseling she is exhausted. She again asks for space. I agree to give her space and ask if I can still text her. She says yes. I think about and say I wont text you I want to give you real space his time.

I ask her to stay she says no. I ask her where she is going she says I'm going to my parents to sleep. I then ask my wife if she is going back to his house and she assures me she is not. I watch her leave and she goes right back to his house.

I stand outside and hear him yelling and see her storm out. A few minutes later I hear him slamming doors and punching his house and he goes after her. I then see them walking back together holding hands. I yelled at him to let them know I seen this. I then go inside and go to bed.

4 August, at 5 a.m. I sneak back to his house and peek in his bedroom window to see if she stayed the night in his bed. He was sleeping she was not in there. She comes over later in the day with her dad to get clothes. Her dad is friendly she wont even look at me she is holding her head in shame.

I have not text her and will not, I am trying to stick to my word. It is hard but I am successful so far. She is still staying at her parents as far as I know her car is there every night and morning. She has continued to come let the dog out the last two days as well. She did take my guns 5 August, she has told me she is scared I am going to hurt myself. She has not taken anything else from the house other than clothes as she needs them and stuff to get ready for work.

Since I have not talked to her I'm not sure if she is even going to show up to counseling on Thursday. I am really scared she is going to blow it off. She has not changed her name on facebook or changed her marital status. I did see on twitter she said " I cant wait for this weekend, so many fun things planned. How can she be so happy and I'm so miserable. This is just not fair.

I love her with all my heart. She is my best friend and my everything. I know and I am more than willing to work this out and get past this. Since she is not living at home and we are not talking I don't know how to accomplish this. I do not want a divorce I just want my beautiful loving wife back. I don't know what to do. I love her, please help.

LS,

OK be cool you need to record ever contact on OMs facebook, expose to ALL of them do not threaten or warn anyone, just do it. Also expose to OM family, church, work!

OM needs to move or you need to move you can't live that close to OM.

Don't give yourself the excuse that he is a loser and won't care, deep down everyone is concerned with their reputation, it will also shine a spotlight on the affair and kill it dead.

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you for your service.

Have you said anything to your WW to indicate you might harm yourself?
Is there any foundation for her thinking you might?

Welcome to MB and sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

Thank you for your service.

Have you read all of this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

She did take my guns 5 August...

Report them stolen.

Thank you everyone for the posts and concern, it is really appreciated. I am not sure if I am ready to expose or if that is even right for me at this time. I have not done enough research on exposure yet and am not fully prepared.

I have not told her I was going to hurt myself. I did post a picture on FB of me doing 110 on my bike. Which she saw and got mad about. That was a stupid idea, but, I am not feeling any suicidal thoughts whatsoever. That is not even an issue, I like to ride fast sometimes.

We have not had contact since Saturday so I have not been able to ask why she took them. I have counseling scheduled for tomorrow, but I don't think she will show up. If she doesnt I will be crushed. What types of things should I avoid doing or saying during the session?

Thanks all,
L&S

We have not had contact since Saturday so I have not been able to ask why she took them.

Why the hell would you care about the motives of a thief? As long as they remain unreported as stolen you retain a legal liability for their (mis)use.

LESSON # 1 FOR A BH: Do NOT be afraid of angering the faithless wife.

Don't worry if she doesn't show up for counseling. Truly, counseling - even with someone excellent from MB - is a complete waste of time while the A is ongoing. And if the counselor doesn't stand firmly against the A, it can even be damaging.

That's why your focus needs to be on killing the A first, and then picking up the pieces after that's done. It's like facing a Hydra, and sitting down to examine your ingrown toenail instead of starting to chop its heads off.

Exposure isn't fun, not to do and not to receive, but I hope you'll see that it's necessary. In many cases it deals the A a death blow, and even if not it still takes a major hit. Your WW can continue to sneak around at will when no one but you knows what she's doing.

You should expose to all friends and family members of yours, hers, and OM's. Do it fast, without warning. Would you put up billboards announcing your surprise raid on the enemy? No, because they'd set you up and ambush you. Same here. You warn them, they go tell their family and friends that WW is leaving you because you've come back from your last tour a crazy stalker and she doesn't feel safe. Anything you try to say after that will be viewed within that perception, even though it's a blatant lie. You need to get your info first, unfiltered by the adulterers.

Also, please stop riding your bike dangerously fast. The life you save might be someone else's.

No more pleading or begging. You're worth being M'd to, and worth being faithful to. You don't need to plead and beg for her to see that - you're going to start demonstrating it with your actions. I hope to see you prepping for exposure right away, and then begin strategizing for your Plan A.

Nobody here would blame you a bit if you chose to D. No kids are involved, and you can just walk away, even from 8 years. But if you're going to fight, then get out the biggest and best tools you have. Plan A is like a drill, small but relentless, making cracks over time till it crumbles. Plan B is like a hammer, capitalizing on all the cracks that Plan A made.

Exposure is like a nuclear weapon. You'll face a much softer target if you employ it first.

Neak,

I really want to expose to kill the A, but, I do not have any physical proof. Just my word. OM and WW have told me they have kissed. I believe more has happened. I have already started thinking about exposure. I plan to write a letter to OM's parents and FB message his sister and brother. Write a letter to WW's sister, brother and parents as well. FB message WW's best friend.

I know it needs to happen all at once. How can I make that happen? I need help executing this. Any advice would be good advice, because I am totally lost. I need to do more research so the exposure will be perfect and effective. Any suggestions are welcome.

L&S

Here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully,
to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

Though it's helpful, you don't actually have to prove that intercourse took place. Both told you they had kissed, and you saw them blatantly holding hands. If you can't get anything else, even that would be enough.

That said, snooping is always a good idea. If you can uncover more concrete info in the next few days, use it. If you don't find more, what you have is already quite damaging. Most people would agree it's wrong for a married person to go around liplocking with someone else, even if that really was all that happened so far. (Which I doubt.)

Having decided to expose, you need to balance speed with tactical considerations. As long as it doesn't drag on without getting done, it's always best to take at least several days to prepare, and make sure it's done right. Your checklist is above.

Brace yourself - she'll be furious. That's a really good thing, and means that you hit your mark. OM will probably be furious, too. I recommend avoiding any more personal confrontations with him. He's likely to get stupid on you, and you don't want to spend any time in court trying to show that it was self-defense when you put a much-deserved smackdown on him.

NeverGuessed,

Thank you for the help I will be contacting you via personal message if thats ok? Some of these I kinow I can do. But alot of them will be very hard as my WS is not living with me and now has turned her other phone off and has a new one on her parents plan. She still has the same number though. I plan to get a keylogger asap on our home PC.

I got two VAR today that I plan to put in the house. One in the computer romm because she uses the computer almost everyday when she comes home to let the dog out. The other i plan to place in our bedroom since she seems to take clothes on a regular basis.

What to you consider sufficient evidence?

I am going to do more research on exposure and get my list together and prepare for the storm.

L&S

The PMs are disabled on this site.

We as board will help you through your trial.

Neak,

I plan to do more research. Take Friday night after work to come up with my list. This weekend I plan to see if I can get anymore evidence. I also plan to draft my exposure letters I will post examples for feedback and changes.

What do you mean tactical considerations?

What she did is wrong and if people care about her they would feel the same way. Especially, since her mom did the same thing to her dad. Her mom moved out and got a boyfriend. They are back together now but miserable.

I have been avoiding OM as much as possible but it is quite difficult when he lives three doors down. I know WS will be furious but I am ready for the A to stop. Once I expose do i answer her texts/calls if there are any?

Thanks
L&S

BrainHurts,

Ok I understand thank you for clarifying. I did not know you could not do that.

L&S

Uh friend this is more than enough proof to expose. You have his word saying he has feelings for her, she tells you they've kissed and you catch her at his house and you see them holding hands.

Giving her space is a mistake. You're in Plan A and you need to expose now.

Read this.
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Also please read this. It has step by step of how to expose with exposure templates.

Does OM have Facebook? Copy all of his contacts into a word doc for later.

Get your exposure list together and sit down and do it in one sitting. When's the last time you talked to her?
Exposure 101

Your WW has admitted kissing him and you've witnessed them holding hands? Spending evenings together alone? All on top of her sudden dismissal of her wedding vows and your requests for these activities to end? Unless your exposure targets are completely brainless, they'll know what's going on.

That's evidence enough. Don't wait for them to crawl into bed together (I'm sorry to tell you that they already have.)You don't need the photos of them in all their naked shame in order to expose.

Follow NG's list as much as you can.

+1 on everything Neak said.

Check further back in the phone records, I suspect this has been going on for some time. She didn't decide to leave you in a 2 week period and the fact she left the house says a lot about how deep she is in the A.

Start assembling a time line. You can find this in the phone records. You are basically working a reverse investigation.

If she is using a smart phone and it was backed up to any computer that you have access to, pull those backups. Just google search for (iphone/android) back up viewer for whatever platform you are on (windows, mac).

Keylogger is crucial right now.


Don't believe anything WW says or what POSOM says. They are at best trickle truthing you. They admit to kissing, so assume they have slept together, I know that hurts, but it is likely reality.

You have to play catch up here and work fast, before they start weaving a tale of lies.


Expect WW to be curious and contact you, she wants to know your next move. So keep her off balance with Plan A as you setup exposure. Remember if she was so dead set on divorce, where are the papers? She is waffling, she doesn't know what she wants, so it's up to you to kill the A and guide her back.


Hang in there !

Lost, the only thing I can add to what others have already said is that you should sit down with your wife's parents and tell them the truth of what has been going on. Do this ASAP!

This is one example of a tactical consideration. Meaning, get your ducks in a row (quickly) so you can hit all your exposure targets in one swoop. Not her relatives today, yours tomorrow, and OM's the next day.

Get it in order to tell everyone at once, before the waywards have time to start their spin machine.

Again, what you have is enough. If you find anything else out while snooping while prepping for exposure, it's just icing. You already have the cake. You have the next best thing to photos or electronic proof, that of an eyewitness...you.

I know I need to expose but I have to get it all together. I want it to be effective not spur of the moment. Is not talking to her on a daily basis a mistake? I havent texted or called her in 4 days. Is this space a mistake? I will expose soon.

I have checked the phone records before she had her phone shut off and a new one activated on her own account. The texting/ calling started on July 24th nothing before that. I plan to deliver all the letters late sunday night so the get them at once Monday morning.

Is this waiting too long?

L&S

Have you seen this?
When Should an Affair be Exposed?

I couldn't agree more. Read this and expose ASAP. You have more than enough proof already. You have the truth.

SOL,

I plan to expose on Monday. Do you think that is too long? Im just not sure if doing it spur of the moment without a good plan is a good idea?

L&S

Your plan is Plan A.

Have you read this?
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

This isn't really spur of the moment. You have now been mulling this over for at least the past two days. Waiting until Monday, your looking at a week. I suspect your fear is holding you back a little bit. That is expected but must be overcome.

Why do you think you do not have a good plan? What is your current exposure plan?
Phone calls to who? Letters to who? Facebook message to who? Are your finances secured? Are you prepared for their reactions?

Arm yourself with knowledge about Plan A. If you wait for everything to be absolutely perfect, it may take too long.

Recommend you post your current status on exposure plan here and the great folks on here will help offer changes/modifications if needed.

I defer to the experts on here as I'm a little rusty regarding specifics on timing and all, but I can tell you that these people know what they are talking about and they have helped me tremendously in the past. The consensus I'm getting is sooner rather than later.

You have the tools. Read Exposure 101 and the article linked above. Protect yourself financially (bank accounts & such) and read more on Plan A because that is where you are now. Develop in your mind how you will respond to her 'outrage' about you shining the light of truth on their adultery.

BrainHurts,

Thank you for the links I am reading now.

L&S

SOL,

The reason I am holding back is because she has access to all of my finances still. I am going to get them secure tomorrow. And I will post my plan and example letters tomorrow as well.

L&S

I will post my exposure plan and sample emails, FB messages and letters tomorrow for feedback. Also, who I plan to call and what I am going to say. E-Day is Friday. I am going to get off for tonight and get some well needed rest. Tomorrow is going to be a long day with establishing my plan and our first counseling session(if WS shows up). If not it will be good for counseling for me. Thanks for all the support.

L&S

Great plan. Get some rest.

I will post my exposure plan and sample emails, FB messages and letters tomorrow for feedback. Also, who I plan to call and what I am going to say. E-Day is Friday.

Strap up and dig in, my friend! You will have support and counsel here whenever (and on whatever topic) you need it.

She will probably go bat-sh*t crazy. YOUR BEST TACTIC is to stay cool , collected and resolute.

Thanks guys,

I will post back I a while. I am starting to type up the letters.

L&S

Does each letter and FB message to the WW's family and friend have to be different for each individual? Same with OM's family and friends?

L&S

Does each letter and FB message to the WW's family and friend have to be different for each individual? Same with OM's family and friends?

L&S

That would be a lot of unnecessary composition, so make it generic:

I'm sending this to you as you have been an important person
in WW's life.....I'm asking your help, combined with all other
friends and family, in urging WW to give up her illicit behavior
and return to her husband and family.

Make the same general addresses to POSOM's contacts.

Just stopping by to lend my support. Exposure was a tough thing for me, but I knew it needed to happen.

Good luck!!!

Just copy the templates in the Exposure 101 thread. Did you see them?

Friday sounds good. So does securing your finances first.

You don't need to be forcing contact if she won't talk to you, but part of Plan A is being available and willing to meet her EN's if she'll let you. If not, as long as she KNOWS you're willing and available to meet them, you're doing your job.

In general, the angrier she gets, whether at exposure or your kindness in Plan A,the bigger the impact you're having. Which is a good thing.

Borrowed from Pep but thought this could help here as well.

How's the exposure going?

I exposed today and I can already see the side effects. I have not exposed to WS father yet as he told me he could not talk until after he was off work. I exposed to WS family and friends. I also exposed to OM family and friends.

I got one response from OM brother it was just a (?) I am not sure how I can respond to that.

My WW has also text me three times asking me to stop and please stop and if one more person texts her about it she is moving away.

What is my next step I have not responded to either yet.

L&S

LostScared,

My WW has also text me three times asking me to stop and please stop and if one more person texts her about it she is moving away.

You've hit pay dirt and the medicine is working.

So her secret is not so secret anymore, sucks to have to face your adultery as "adultery" and not get the chance to redefine it as "meeting my soul mate", "we had just grow apart", "it was the best thing for my betrayed spouse".

Along with moving away, she is going to stamp her feet and hold her breath until she turns blue.

God Bless
Gamma

that means exposure hit the target.

Next step is to Plan A your WW. Can you invite her out to meet for coffee and show her you the fantastic you?

Didn't you two have an appointment last night?

Yes we did. She said in the counseling she was completely done. It is too far gone to try and fix it. Told me all the things I have done wrong in the past.

I am getting more texts.

She is claiming she didn't refuse to stop the affair. Just text "My sister too Oh my god

Lost_Scared,

There are consequences to your WWs adultery and loss of reputation is one of them.

What normally happens is the betrayed spouse does nothing but take it on the chin and then loses their mind, you've broken the mold by fighting back and reestablishing yourself as a man.

It was WWs choice to cheat on you remind her of that, the conditions in your marriage belong to both of you, but the affair was WWs alone.

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you for putting that into perspective. What are some good ways to cope with the anger? I am ignoring her for now but eventually we are going to have to talk. What are good ways to tell her that without pushing her away or coming off like it was for revenge.

It was about trying to stop the affair and trying to protect our marriage.

"My sister too Oh my god.."

Are you armed with a recorder for her face-to-face screaming-meemie portrayal on her arrival home?

Stay cool, stay calm, and walk away if you must. I did not, and it cost me.

Depending on the ammount of exposure don't expect to be able to diffuse much of her anger.

Just hold tight and you must remain calm. Just reiterate the fact that you want to save and recover your marriage with her. And that you have a plan.

Keep a VAR or cell with you that records audio if she meets you face to face. That is very important.

It is not out of the realm for a WW to claim abuse etc.

Keep exposing, you are doing good.

Here.
Voice Activated Recorder

Have you read this?
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

I have two VAR one that I plan to carry with me everywhere. Ws has not text me since 3 o clock. I was supposed to meee with WS father this afternoon to expose to him. When I contacted hin WS was there.

I asked if we could still talk after she left and he said yes. I asked him to let me know when it was ok to come over and talk and he never responded. Should I contact him tomorrow and ask to talk? WS posted on twitter wow with a sad face a few hours later.

I have not heard anything from OM, his family or friends. I did go to the store and saw WS sitting in her parents front window crying. This made me feel horrible. Then when I came back home she saw me and turned and walked away from the window. I feel bad but I know this has to be done so I can fight for our marriage.

If and when I do contact her should I ask to sit down and talk?

BrainHurts,

I have read carrot and stick of plan A. From our meeting with the counselor I know where I went wrong in the past and plan to use it. It is going to be hard because WS is not living at home. The only time she is here is during the week when she comes home on her lunch break to let the dog out. Any links to Plan A when WS in not living in the home?

Thank you L&S

...I know this has to be done so I can fight for our marriage.

Per-zack-ly!

Don't give up on OM's contacts, although too often the "boys will be boys" mentality prevents excessive condemnation landing upon their heads.

Here are your responses to WW and her family:

I did what I did as it was necessary to stop her affair.
I did what I did to give us a chance to find the love we once had.
I did what I did. Now is the time to rebuild, and that is what I desire.

Over, and over, and over......

Thank you NeverGuessed.

I will definitely use that. I got a few books I am going to read this weekend. They are surviving an affair and his needs her needs. Hopefully they help me so I can not make too many mistakes.

L&S

Radio Clip on Working Marriage while Separated

What do you think?

Here are some radio clips on Plan A from afar.

Radio Clip of Chitenator's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

BrainHurts,

These will be very helpful. I really appreciate all your help. At this point I need all the help and support I can get.

L&S

No problem, friend we understand.

Another good show of a H Plan A'ing from afar, but keep in mind they don't think she's still involved with OM.

Tell us what you think.
Radio clip of Plan A'ing from afar
Segment #2
Segment #3

BrainHurts,

I just exposed today so I am sure that is not my case. Any help is appreciated and needed. Thank you very much. MB is a great help and support group for me.

L&S

For a suggestion on a part of plan a from a far. I dont think it would hurt to write her a letter expressing that you care about her.

You will make mistakes or what seem like mistakes from time to time throughout this ordeal. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It's not like you've done this before or had any training. Do the best you can and realize that sometimes the mistakes aren't mistakes at all and you'll both look back and say that was a turning or decisive point. Usually this occurs when the BH tries to avoid all conflict and appeases/enables their WW thinking that being the nice guy is what's gonna help the most. Calm righteous indignation isn't a mistake. Standing up for yourself isn't a mistake. There's times to swallow this stuff as you attempt to recover and other times you need to stand up for yourself and say "I matter too".

One mistake I will warn you about is posting on multiple forums. There are chat forums out there frequented by mostly unrepentant wayward persons that will do all they can to distract you and discourage you from following the MB plan. Because MB is the most successful program out there and it's offered pretty much FREE on the web it has many detractors. From professionals that don't like trying to make money on the web against FREE advice here to others that simply have a grudge against MB because they were booted/banned from here for misinforming posters and trying to tell people things such as "MB plans simply don't work for BH/WW scenarios" when it clearly works. They will cloud your judgement and play upon your fears to beat you down and get you to accept hopelessness. Don't be swayed. There IS hope. I can't guarantee anything but MB worked for us. My wife and I arrived here in 2005 and we, along with many of our online friends here over years, have built an affair proof marriage that is significantly better than our marriage before.

One last thing...when I say MB clearly works that might mean success for you means you end up "successfully" divorced. We have successfully help guide thousands of betrayed spouses from discovery day through their divorce in the most healthy manner possible. "Trying" to save your marriage is a noble thing to do. It's tough giving up on someone you truly love and want to save from obviously destroying their life (notice I didn't say yours because you will make it either way). However, ultimately, nobody can make your wayward spouse wake up and repent. If you, God forbid, end up divorced...by utilizing MB you'll be self-assured that you did all you could to save her and be able to move on with your life without second guessing yourself.

You can do this.

Godspeed,

Mr. W

WW: I hate you! You destroyed my life!
You: Yes, adultery destroys lives.
WW: I'll never forgive you!
You: I'll be able to forgive you.
WW: I was thinking of coming back, and now you ruined everything!
You: You should have seen what our adorable doggie just did! (Insert adorable doggie story.)

Whatever she says, agree with her in a way that turns it back on her, and if you can't think of a way to do that, completely change the subject. ("Hey, wanna go out for some ice cream?" "I saw the funniest thing the other day..." "I heard it might rain tomorrow. What do you think?")

Your message on the subject of exposure: Our marriage is valuable, and I will do all in my power to fight for it.

It's time to start responding to her texts, but not necessary replying to what she actually said in her texts.

I agree with Neak and Mr. W.

Now isn't the time to completely ignore her. Now is the time to insert some Plan A memories. Just be educated on WW fogbabble.

Here.
Female Wayward Fog Disassembled and Decoded
Never Take the Word of a Wayward
Wayward Fog Disassembled and Decoded

x10

I couldn't have said it any better. Thanks Mr. W.

Lost,
MrWondering has been around on this site for many years, experienced infidelity, is a lawyer and is definitely a veteran of marriage builders. Please read his message thoroughly.


Most newbies are clueless on procedure. Do not be discouraged.

While I do visit other sites may I endorse MrW's view. There are no other sites with as much sound info as this one.

Thanks guys heres an update. I went and talked to WS father yesterday. He told me the letters were spiteful and I should not have done that. I told him that was not my intent I was doing what I felt was right to stop the A and fight for our marriage. The whole time WS father was telling me the ship has already sailed and to let it go. He said to try and make myself happy at this point.

I have not texted WS or tried to call her. She has not tried to contact me either. I have noticed her spending a lot of time on FB. She changed her profile pic to a pic of her and her friends. Her profile still has our last name and still says married to me.

Should I try to contact her today, tomorrow, when? And what types of things should I say. I know Plan A should be put in full effect at this point. I don't want to come off weak or like I'm begging her.

L&S

I would wait to see if she contacts you and when/if she does......be pleasant but do not talk relationship with her. If it seems plausible, you could invite her to eat supper or go to the movies with you. Just be prepared she may be nasty in reply. Don't let that hurt you. Expect it. You invite knowing she is probably too agitated to accept. If she does, try to be pleasant. Remember, do not get into relationship talks.

WS father can have his opinions about exposure but he is not the person who decides if you fight for the marriage or not. You decide. Only you.

I forgot to add this important piece of information. Saturday morning I woke up to a FB message that was sent at 4:22 A.M. from a girl I went to HS that said call me. Around 8:30 A.M. I did and she told me OM brother showed her the exposure message I sent. She said she started to cry. I asked why and apparently Om is the father of her youngest child. Mind you she is married now.

She told me they still talk but he does not pay child support or have anything to do with the child, but she still has feelings for OM.

I said ok as you seen from the message this is what is going on. I am trying to protect my marriage. She said it will stop I have him control over him. I said what do you mean. She said if I make him pay child support through the state he wont be able to afford his house.

I said ok she she told me she texted him and told him to stop or he will hear from his lawyer. I said let me know if you hear back.

10 minutes ago she texted me and said he agreed to stop seeing/having contact with my WS. He agreed to pay her child support not through the state but an agreement they worked out. I said has he told WS yet. She said it will be done by morning.

I said I will need solid proof. She said I will see him tomorrow and screen shot his convo w/ WS and sent it to you.

This is one twisted circle! I don't know whether to believe it or not. I question everything.

L&S

Of course you should question it
but

if it is true that OM is the father of her child....ha ha ha on your exposure reaching his baby's mama!

Exposure is powerful stuff whether greeted with support or criticism.

It was the right thing to do.

I agree 100%. It had to be done.

Do you have theses messages from OM's baby mama in writing?

It's a nice twist BUT....this woman has NO control over him!
He probably has other girlfriends and these types of people don't respond to child support blackmail.

If anything she was probably upset because she wants to have an affair with him.

I would let it play out but don't think for a second you are in control of them

So she says. This means nothing. This is a third party (who, BTW, appears to have an ax to grind about OM.)

Most of it was conversation on the phone. Apparently OM told WS about it because WS blocked her on FB. So OM is trying to play all angles. He is scared about child support but he wants to keep WS in his corner too. I will try to get more information from this other girl.

L&S

This means he will just have to be sneakier BUT the exposure is putting a higher and higher price tag on this A. Not the kind you can count in dollars and cents, but in having people look down on him. The A has to be more and more exciting for both parties, in order to compensate for the price they keep having to pay, and pay, and pay. Eventually it can't keep up, and that's when it starts to collapse.

So you've by no means seen the end of this thing, but you've struck it pretty hard. The ripples from this will keep impacting the "fun" of the adulterers.

Too bad your FIL buys into the "just follow your heart" crap, when as the Bible says, the heart is desperately wicked. We need to do what's right because it's right, and not just do whatever feels good. It takes waywards a while to get that message. Though some never really do, the ones that catch on are well worth the fight. Telling him was still good, and even if he doesn't come down on his wayward DD like he should, she still is going to squirm having her daddy know that she's been catting around.

You did good staying on message with him. "I love my wife, and I'm fighting for our M." Kinda tough to argue with that one, even if you want to.

In addition to responding nicely to any texts she sends, and giving her a no-strings-attached invite ever now and again, keep the house in tip top shape. Let it be a refuge to her when she does choose to come over. Somewhere safe and cozy, where she won't be grilled about her atrocious choices, but simply welcomed for the time that she stays there. Be cheerful, upbeat, and attractive. If at some point you feel she might tolerate a little affection, then try it, with no goal or hope of SF to follow. She needs to be checked for STD's anyway before you even think of going that direction.

Be the better choice. Be her haven. Show her what she'll be missing if she never comes back.

Don't stress the baby mama angle too much. Just if you get proof of a continued A (which of COURSE it's going to continue at this point), share it with the baby mama. I doubt it will put a hard and fast end to the A by itself, but even having to deal with this drama will make the A an even less fun place to be.

I went and talked to WS father yesterday. He told me the letters were spiteful and I should not have done that.

So now you know EXACTLY the penalty for "staged" exposure. WW, alarmed, got to Poppy, and gave a weepy account of her version of her martial ordeal, and he, likely having the native intelligence of most modern Americans, (as in: stupider than a box o' rocks) immediately believed what he was told, by his "little girl".

Oh, well, continue to maintain your position, and remain cordial to this sad moron. If your marriage recovers, you can someday tell him exactly how damaging his vacillation proved to be when you needed him to demonstrate integrity and courage.

Hang in there lost, here comes the rollercoaster.

You should be questioning and verifying as you go.

For all we know POSOMS baby mama is trying to get you to back off.

Hopefully the exposure will give WW a moment of pause in regards to POSOM.

And if WW threatens D. Take it with a grain of salt and instead ask her out for some ice cream.

My exWW said for months that she was filing, had filed, met with lawyers, is a lawyer. All lies.

This is just beginning you have a lot of time to recover this M.

Thanks for the advice. I am doing ok today, still hurting but ok. I am working on my personnel improvements. I went and got groceries in the house so I can start eating. I also hit the gym on my lunch break today. I have kept the house clean and inviting. I have been trying to keep myself busy. I have not contacted WS at all nor has she tried to contact me.

I did notice WS drove by our house last night on her way to her parents. She does not have to go by our house to get there. I stayed strong and did not text or call her. I will keep trying to do things to improve myself so I come out a better man.

L&S

Text her every now and again, or email, as long as you keep it light and fluffy. Tell a joke, share a funny story, keep upbeat. Don't expect a response, and if get one at all, even an angry one, it's a bonus.

To start, make this once or twice a day. Nothing serious, nothing about ILY or relationships, just something short and funny to make her smile. You're in Plan A, not Plan B. Plan A is no begging, and Plan B is no contact.

After a little while, as she starts to respond more positively to your small contacts, invite her to go do something fun.

You're not anywhere near ready for Plan B yet.

Well, I came home today to find out that WS had taken some things from the house. She took our laptop, our ipod player from the kitchen and a rack from our bathroom. I was shocked. Thus far she has only taken clothes.

I have not contacted her. Nor has she tried to contact me. I am not sure what my next move is. Any advice? I want to call or text her so bad, it is just really hard to keep my control and not beg her to come back. I have not done that and do not plan to.

I hung the wedding canvas prints yesterday which I know she saw today. I was thinking about leaving an old love letter she wrote me on the table for tomorrow. Is this a good idea?

L&S

Tomorrow you change the locks.

Waywards suck, there's really no two ways about it!

On the table is a little too pushy. Put it on your bedside stand, and tucked so it's almost hidden.

Tonight, text her something like, "What did the horse say when he tipped over? 'Help! I've fallen, and I can't giddyup!'" Silly, nothing to do with the A, nothing to do with begging her to come back. Just reaching out to say you're thinking of her, without giving her any insight into what you're actually thinking.

And for a few brief moments, she'll be thinking of you. Even wondering if you've lost your mind is still thinking of you.

Your goal is to begin to have these short moments of positive interaction. So send her that joke or another one like it, with no additional comment. That's your assignment for tonight.

Neak,

Is there a way to put the love letter she wrote me so I know she read it. I will proceed with the joke. Thank you for the help. I do well with assignments. Also, would it be ok to text her in the morning and tell her I hope you have a good day?

Fold it and insert a very small piece of paper, like a hole punch size or less in the crease. When it gets unfolded to be looked at, the small scrap will unnoticeably fall out.

LTL

The morning text is a good idea, maybe something like "Hey cutie, have a great day!" That would let her know that you find her attractive, but without sexual or even loving overtones, and it's really hard to argue against someone telling you to have a nice day even if you're a really contrary wayward.

Neak,
I did leave a love note WS wrote me a long time ago kind of hidden on her side of the bed. But it is noticeable. Also, I did not text her lastnight. I was thinking about texting her tonight before bed with a joke.

WS is a special education teacher so I was going to send something like "Why did the cross eyed teacher lose her job? Cause she couldn't control her pupils." Then text her tomorrow morning with "Good Morning Beautiful, have a good day." Ws used to love waking up to sweet texts from me. And suggestions/advice?

L&S

Sounds like a great plan! Love the cross-eyed teacher joke. Just keep thinking of more things along this same line.
Think back to the early days of your courtship and M. What else worked? What did she like?

Just be tactful with your responses.

If you fire off a text and she responds with anger, don't feed into that anger by arguing with her.

Likewise, if she doesn't respond, don't send a bunch of texts asking her why she isn't responding.

Just let it process with her.

You want to avoid validating "her" reasons why she chose to have the A in the first place.

And you will certainly validate that for her, by arguing with her, bringing up R talk, A talk etc. Let her bring those subjects up.

Don't lovebust. Let her do that with POSOM.

This doesn't mean you roll over either, be firm on your stance, that you want to recover this marriage and there is a plan.

EX: Scn # 1

You : "Insert joke"

WW : "I can't believe you told everyone, I hate you, it's over, we are never getting back together"

You : "I understand you are upset/angry"

Just validate her feelings, don't add your own opinions, let her lead the conversation. If she asked why you did such and such, just hold the line that you want to recover the M.

Scn # 2

You : "Insert joke"

WW : "LOL, that is funny"

You : "I thought so too, have a good day/night"

Leave it at that, don't force anymore conversation than she is willing to have. Small steps. If she responded good night or you too, simply respond with thank you hun or .

When you are having a positive reaction, a lot of people try to force that reaction into a R talk or A talk. Don't Do That. Leave the conversation on a high note. If you continue to talk, talk about good memories b/w you two, funny stuff.

You determine how the conversation ends.

Baby steps, stay in Plan A, don't expect much in the beginning, if anything at all from her. Also be thinking of what needs POSOM is giving her and how you can fill those needs.

I am going to follow through with this tonight. I am not expecting a response or any kind of acknowledgement. If she does I will let her lead the conversation but stand firm and not bring up R or A talk.

I will not ague, I just feel like I need to contact her. It has been 5 days since I have text, spoke or even seen WS. Any other Plan A suggestions. I thought about tomorrow leaving another love letter she wrote me a long time ago again in the same place.

L&S

If you're not sure what to say in response to something, post here and wait till someone replies. It's better to take your time and let her wait a bit, than to rush in hastily. If it's a phone conversation rather than text, just say sweetly, "Wow, you've given me a lot to think about. Let me get back to you on that. Well, got some stuff to do, so I'd better run. Have a great evening!"

How about a love letter barely sticking out from under your pillow?If you make it fairly easy to find, but shuffle things around, it may keep her on her toes looking for it. Then, once in a while to keep things shook up, don't put anything.

An off-balance WS is the best kind to have. They're confused enough already, so the more you confuse them, the more confused they are. Doesn't quite make sense? Neither does a WS. :)That's why you being slightly unpredictable is good.

Neak,

That is a great idea. I will put the letter under her pillow tomorrow but noticeable where she can find it. I am using the love letters she wrote to me. I feel this will help her realize how she used to feel about me and that we used to be really happy.

I will eventually write her a love letter expressing why I love her and bring up specific times when we were happy. Plan A is really hard when WS is not living at home.

I am just expecting to come home today to more stuff missing from the house.

L&S

Lost-

Def. contact her tonight.

If it's a positive interaction I would wait another 24hrs before you contact her again. But that is me. Let some of the vet's chime in on that one.

My personal thinking is, atleast when I dealt with my WW, I started to notice a trend that when I would have a positive interaction and tried to immediately follow that up, it would fail on her end, she would start to close up on me.

I found that if I waited a day or two it would again be positive. I think it just needs time to process with her. Almost as if it's too much of a good thing to quickly.

Plus it leaves her wondering, she is going to want to know why you didn't send a text etc. All good things b/c she is thinking of you, and it may prompt her to reach out to you.

She is going to bounce back b/w you and POSOM so there is that conflict in her mind, understand that.



And don't be worried if she doesn't respond or is hostile.

Think of it as planting seeds. It takes time.

You are doing good.

The only way I can describe Plan A is by saying that it was awful for me. There will be times when you want to yell and scream, but you can't. And there will be mistakes, just the nature of it.

The goal for you is to be a caring and understanding husband, all while trying to deposit, if any, love units. This doesn't mean a pushover. Women don't respect that. If she brings up POSOM, you simply say there is no room in our marriage for another person, I want to recover our marriage and build a wonderful life with you and I have a plan to do that.

Vets,

What do you think about finah's comment? Should I text tonight and then wait a few days while still leaving the love letters she wrote me?

L&S

I think I'd go with one brief contact in the morning, and one in the evening. But as with many thing you'll do, shake it up every once in a while. Just about the time she gets the rhythm and starts to expect to hear from you, skip one. A little later, throw in one extra at an odd time.

Depending on her reactions, your initial tentative plan can always be modified. There's no one right answer here; you're going to be trying to negotiate your way within an effective range. You can vary a bit, and still be within that range.

Ok, so I came home today and nothing else was missing. WS did throw away a couple of candles from our wedding that were on our piano.

Also, the letter was gone. I searched to see if it was with all of the other letters. It was not. When I went to throw something in the trash I noticed that the mail I threw away yesterday was not on top. This made me curious and it got the best of me. I then discovered WS ripped up the love letter she wrote me and tried to hide it in the bottom of the trash can.

Do you guys think it is ok to still text her tonight with my joke? Is it still ok to leave another love letter she wrote me under her pillow tomorrow?

L&S

Yes, still text her the joke.

Feel free to leave the letter (I still think your pillow would be better), but clearly you should only put out letters that you feel are expendable. If those candles are important to you, there's nothing wrong with fishing them out, either.

You could even tape that letter back together and put it under the pillow, lol. Use large pieces of packing tape so it can't be easily ripped up.

Is this the right thing to do? I am questioning if she will think I am being clingy or weak. I don't want to chase her further away. At this point I am trying to bring her back in and show WS we were once happy. Should I just leave her alone for a few days or keep up with the plan? Its too late to recover those items. I have already took the trash to the dump.

L&S

...WS ripped up the love letter she wrote me and tried to hide it in the bottom of the trash can.
Wait! She didn't give you the dog did she?

Lost-
�
�
She threw it away so you wouldn't find it.�
It could mean she read it, or she just tossed it.� Doesn't matter right now.
�
That alone is not going to make or break this.� Next step.
�
Don't panic, still contact her tonight.� Just understand no amount of reasoning with her, or showing her " how it use be " is going to snap her out.
�
It takes time.
�
Follow the plan.�
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Post up exactly what she has to say when you send the text.

WS has not taken the dog nor has she said I could have him. We have not spoken so we haven't talked about anything. The text I am going to send is a joke. That was the advice I was given to kind of ease the mood. Let her know the door is open and not talk about relationship or the A.

What you were doing a day or three ago was clingy and weak. What you're about to begin doing is to show with your actions, "I want you, I'll fight for you, but I'll be ok without you."

That's a powerful position to be in. The strongest position when the negotiations finally begin is the one that would like what the other party can offer, but doesn't need it.

Do I send the joke and wait for a possible response or do I send the joke and punch line all at once? I know WS will probably not respond.

However you want to do it Lost

Sent, I am not expecting a repose so no expectations. Should I still text her in the morning with a text that says "Good Morning beautiful, I hope you have a good day. I don't want to do too much too fast. If I do send a text in the morning should I leave another love letter she wrote me.

You know your WW better than anyone else, and you two haven't talked in a few days so go ahead.

Honestly I'm looking for her responses and I would be surprised if she didn't respond in some manner.

When you send jokes, send the punch line with it, or immediately after, so it's clear you're not waiting for a response. Whatever you do, it's giving without expectation of a return.(And remember that an unpleasant response from her is just as good as a pleasant one. When she moved from not responding to responding, whether good or bad, that's a good step.)

I don't think 2 texts a day is excessive. I think it's a good starting point, from which you can gradually increase your interactions with WW. No contact at all will send her the message that you don't care, and that she's free to pursue her adultery without additional consequences.

I would be careful taking advice from an obviously unrepentant wayward in other venues...

I sent the text/joke last night and no response. But I was not expecting one. I also left another love letter she wrote me hidden under my pillow but noticeable so she will see it. I was thinking about sending another joke tonight or texting her this evening. What would be acceptable to say if I text her this evening? Keep in mind we have not talked in 6 days.

HoldHerHand- who are your referring to?

L&S

Holdherhand is referring to�specific advice�you received on your�WW's anger from another source.
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You can def. send another text, but again don't expect anything.� Just keep it light, whatever it is.
�
�
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Another joke, a funny news headline, whatever is humorous and catches your eye.

I came home today to find that a few things were missing. WS took a bottle of hair gel and her recipes. WS did not read the letter I wrote. I put it in a specific spot and noticed it had not been touched. I was kind of thinking about texting her in the morning instead of tonight.

I was thinking about saying something like "Good morning beautiful, I hope you have a good day." I am anxious to see if WS paycheck gets deposited in our joint account tomorrow or if she has opened another one.

I have opened my own checking account and want to wait to see what she does before I switch my direct deposit. I have not texted WS since last night and have not gotten a response.

L&S

You should secure your finances asap.
�
Is there still a computer in the house?�
�
I'm not real keen on the idea that she can just come and go as she pleases
�
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No WS has taken the computer. I am working from my other laptop which comes with me to work. I don't think changing the locks to keep her out will solve anything. If anything it will just make her even more mad. Idk what to do.

Changing the locks will make it so she can't enter into your home and sneak stuff away. She will need to ask you directly for items.
1. You will know they are gone when you give them
2. She will need to talk to you instead of avoiding you.

If she gets mad about it, just tell her you need to not have your privacy violated by her secret visits when you are gone.

Say it nicely (matter of fact, not love busting)

Did you ever write Dr. Harley?

Speaking of paychecks, and their source....

Do I recall that WW is a Special Ed teacher? Did your exposure list include a selection of her closest (cattiest?) co-workers? (Remember, Plan A specifically includes the admonition NOT to prevent the fallout from her adultery from landing on her. I'm not sure how administrators would view an adulteress instructing students, many of whom already wrestle with emotional disabilities.)

Don't be scared to make that decision to change the locks.

IMO change them.

I have not written DR. Harley. I am thinking that I should stop with the text and love letters and give WS her space to think about things. And start doing things to improve myself. I have started going back to the gym and started spending a lot more time with my dog(walks, dog parks ect.)

L&S

It's ok if you don't want to fight for your M. It's ok if you want to fight for your M. But the whole limbo thing, where you plan to fight and then do nothing, will only drag out your pain in the long run.

All in, or all out. That's my best advice.

Lost,

Don't stop doing any of these things. Plan A is all about looking your best and that means continuing to be pleasant as well as fixing yourself. Giving her space is going to give her the freedom to pursue her A. Sorry but you have to make things difficult for her if you have any hope of saving this. A's thrive on secrecy.

This.

Ok guys here is an update. I know I haven't been on in a few days. I just needed a break for myself and to do some fun things with my personal support group to take my mind off of things.

Wednesday I cam home to find a few more things of WS missing from the home. That is fine they were her things. Wednesday night I sent another joke and no response. Ok, so before work on Thursday I left another love letter on the bed.

When I returned from work I came home to find WS had taken some more things from the house. WS had taken all of the love letters from our filing cabinet. WS also took two file folders from the filing cabinet. One contained everything we have ever signed when we purchased our home. The second contained everything I signed for when I purchased our Harley. WS also took all of the extra checks we had.

From the garage WS took all of her softball bats for coaching. WS did take her senior photos that she had given we when we first started dating.

I got scared and worried that maybe the next day I would come home to an empty house so I went our and changed all of the deadbolts on the house. Than night I sent WS a text that said "Hey, we need to talk. It doesn't have to be about "us" but we do need to talk about our finances as we are going through this situation." I left it at that and no response.

I figured I would get a call or text the next day when WS cam home to let the dog out and couldn't get in. I did not. WS opened her own checking account and took half of the money in it. WS did get in the garage somehow. Her bike was missing and the garage door was left unlocked.

I contacted a lawyer and have a consultation Sept 3rd. WS has been posting on FB and twitter of her out with friends at the bar having a good time eating her cake.

I am not sure what to do about the joint checking account because all of our bills come out of that account electronically. Some in our name some in hers and some in mine? I have opened my own checking account.

Tanks for sticking with me!
L&S

Lost

Call around for another lawyer ASAP, this needs to happen next week.

Just so you can freeze all marital assets.

Did she take any personal items that were in your name only? Can she get into the house if you're gone?

Do you have all credit cards with your name shut off?

While you're taking all the other steps you need to protect yourself, keep sending the funny stuff. Since in most places, a WS is entitled to break in if they're locked out (though I still support locking them out!), look through anything else, and secure it off the premises if you don't want to lose it.

If you weren't having any impact on her at all, she'd have no problem seeing you. It would do nothing to her. She doesn't want to see you because she KNOWS it will stir up her feelings, and muddy up water that right now feels clear. (And in reality is sewage.)

So protect yourself financially, while continuing with your plan to be the better man.

Don't close any accounts that are in your name only. She can't legally use those cards. DO close any accounts that you have with her jointly. If you have a balance, they won't close your account. Let your card issuers know that you want no further activity on your account. That will put a freeze on your account.

Thanks for catching that. I should have been more specific.

Joint cards together.

No prob, Brainy. I knew what you were saying. Just making sure the poster was clear.

The only thing WS took that was in my name only was the paperwork on my motorcycle. I cant close the joint account at this time as all of our bills come out of that account automatically.

WS cannot get in the home now since I have changed the locks. Unless of course she breaks in. We do not have any credit cards and she has opened her own banking account. I have also opened my own account as well.

WS is deleting all pictures of her and I off of FB/ instagram. I am going to secure any and all paperwork from the home. Tomorrow I am going to get all of the bills changed into my name and set up to come out of my new account. As far as a lawyer I am going to call and set up a few consultations tomorrow so I can get some information ASAP.

I just don't know what to do at this point I feel like I am screwed on every aspect.

L&S

Move fast and do as much as possible as quickly as possible tomorrow. Can you afford a safe deposit box to put important things in?

Okay, so you've opened a new account in your name only. Can you contact the vendors who are automatically debiting your checking now, and give them your new account information? It may take a few days to switch over, but they shouldn't have any trouble switching over the account info.

Ok so I took the day off of work and got all of the bills switched over to the ne account in my name only. I also have removed all pictures, WS wedding rings and paperwork that I wanted to keep safe. I have ran a credit check on the both of us to ensure at this time we are ok credit wise.

Just in case WS tries to get credit cards and stuff in my name. WS had jury duty today. I sent her a text this morning that said "Goof morning, I hope you have fun at jury duty today. I hope you get an exciting case."

As I expected no response. Any other things I should be thinking about financially that I may have missed? My brain is mush after today. This has kept me busy but I feel like I am missing something.

L&S

Are there any bills being automatically debited from your new account that are WW's responsibility as a newly-forged wayward? Don't pay for her rent or anything else connected to her decision to leave the marriage. Don't pay her personal credit card bills, etc.

Caveat: If you are paying for her cell phone, you may want to continue doing so if you are collecting intel from the service provider's website regarding her affair. She may not think of that, and will believe she's pulled one over on you by not having to pay for a new cell phone account. Cancelling her phone may also cost you an early termination fee. I'd let this slide for now if you are using info from the service provider's website to collect intel.

The idea is to NOT finance her swingin' single lifestyle. She needs to pay her own bills and finance her own lifestyle if she is choosing to be wayward. You don't finance that. That's a dose of reality that she needs to experience.

I only changed my bills mortgage, utilities and my personal things. I did not change any of her personal bills over. She has opened her own account and took half of the money that was in our joint account. I took the other half and put it in my new account. I left $300 in the joint account to cover any bills that are due before the auto pay starts on my account.

WS has her own cell phone in her own name now. So I have no control over that. I will not pay any of her bills.

We still have not had any contact. I have tried to text her and ask her to talk about finances and as always no response. I am not sure what to do at this point. WS cannot get in the house anymore since she has proven that she will take things from the home.

Im not sure how to go about Plan A stuff since there is absolutely no contact.

L&S

You can always put a credit freeze in your name (social security #) by contacting each of the 3 credit bureaus. This will prevent any lines of credit being opened in your name.

LS, have you considered divorce? Here's the thing: you've been married a very short period of time. You are military, and will be away from her for long periods of time from your wife. You have no children. The two of you committed to each other when she was a teenager.

Just something to think about. Let us know.

I have not considered divorce at all. I have a feeling that it is coming but I do not want that. I just think about the way my wife used to before all of this and I feel the love we used to have. WS used to be the best person in the world. She was my best friend. Someone I could share anything with. Someone who would lift my spirits when I was down. She was the one who kept me whole. When we were apart and now that we are apart my life does not feel complete.

I am still am compassionately in love with her even after all of this. She was the perfect gf and then the perfect wife. Im not sure what went wrong we used to be happy and madly in love. I still have those feelings.

L&S

You won't want to hear this but file D and start moving forward.

Most likely by the time your WW crawls back to you, believe it or not you will have moved on and want nothing to do with her.

There are too many good women out there who value M.

If you had kids it would be a different story. But you don't. You can always pull or delay the D if you get nervous.

<<<<EDIT>>>>

She knows you are waiting in the wings for her if she wants to come crawling back.

<<<<<EDIT>>>>>
<<<<<EDIT>>>>>

The beauty of following Marriage Builders and staying in Plan A for as long as you can emotionally and healthily handle it is that you give your wayward wife a soft place to land should her affair fall apart and she thinks of returning to you.

If your wife never returns to you, then by following Plan A, you will lose your love for her little by little so that by the end of two years, you will be out of love with her and ready, emotionally, to divorce.

Don't underestimate the power of this!

I will not be the one who pushes for D. This is not what I want and will not support that. I don't do divorce I do marriage. I know in time things will get better for me. I am trying to secure myself financially and emotionally. This will all take time.

At this point I am doing things I feel necessary to protect myself. I would love to do Plan A stuff right now but that is not possible as we have zero contact. If my wife ever does make an appearance and not the WS, I will put Plan A in to effect. Until then, I feel contacting her is only making things worse.
Contacting her and never getting a response is only hurting me further.

If and when I do get served with D papers. I plan to drag this out. When the bomb hit, WS told me she wanted this to go as fast as possible. I feel time will help her think about things as this is not a quick process. Give her time to think about what is really happening.

L&S

I just need some feed back. I don't see how I can accomplish any Plan A things when WS is not living in the home nor will she respond to any of my texts?

Please trust us. The important thing is that you're doing Plan A on your side. It really doesn't matter if she responds or not. By doing this, you're giving your M the best possible shot to survive, and someday, to thrive. And even if the worst happens and she never comes back, you'll know you did everything you could.

You have a solid plan. Don't get discouraged. Keep up those little contacts. You're doing good, even if it doesn't show.

Ok so here is an update. On Sunday I noticed WS deleted every picture of her and I off of FB/Twitter/Instagram. But on FB WS still has my last name and still says married to me. I have not text WS since Monday morning. WS has not tried to contact me either. I dont think the texts are having any effect.

I contacted one of WS friends who I exposed to and we talked. She has not really talked to WS about the situation. WS and friend play on a golf league together every Tuesday. Friend of WS said she would try to talk to her.

I contacted friend this morning and she told me the text WS the other day and WS said she didn't really want to talk about it. She did tell me that they had dinner after and she noticed WS background on her phone was still a picture of us.

It is hard to work today as I am trying to figure this out. I guess I am just baffled she has deleted every pic of us on all social media but still has a pic of us on her background of her phone. I would think that was the first thing she would delete.

Last night after a long motorcycle ride. I came home and decided to change my profile pic and background on FB to pics that were not of her and I. It felt right to do, but once again I am second guessing actions.

L&S

I...decided to change my profile pic and background on FB to pics that were not of her

Plan "Tit-for-Tat" will not work for you. Plan A still might.

Does she have any items of yours that could hurt you legally or Physically?

Like guns or knives or anything?

If she views your texts, it can be a love bank deposit even if she doesn't respond. (Even if she responds badly, in fact.)

Also, there are more ways to contact people than just text. Explore some of those. (Write her a letter!)

This is not Plan A. Plan A is investing without expecting a return, while bracing not for only no return, but a loss. Like the garden analogy, if you dig your seeds up every few minutes, they don't grow so well. My mom found that out the hard way with carrots as a child.

You don't have to take our word for it, but what we're telling you gives you the best chance to save your M. What you're currently doing is giving yourself the best chance to lose your M with the maximum pain possible.

If you don't want to follow the advice for Plan A, which is fine and no one would fault you for, then please file quickly for D and move on with your life. This trickle torture will only get you more pain that you don't deserve.

And even if you do decide to D, it's a good idea to stick around. Plenty of folks on here have survived D following infidelity, and this place is still an awesome resource for your own R.

I have contacted the police about my guns. The officer wrote down a description of the guns. He said he can't do a formal report but he can put all the information in the call log. Also, he is going to talk to the WS and ask her to give me my guns back. I stressed to him I did not want this to get nasty. If she doesn't want to give them back that fine I just wanted the police department to know they are not in my possession.

As far as plan A, I really want to do it. I just feel like WS is not lovable right now and is only going to resent me for it. As she has already torn up the love letters she wrote me that I left for her to read. I think about texting her everyday then my mind tells me its only going to make her more angry and push her farther away.

I am having a lot of trouble with this. I go back and forth about Plan A every single day. It sounds good then it doesn't. I am still trying to protect myself financially and emotionally from being hurt any further.

Believe me I do take into consideration everything I read from all of you. I just second guess everything at this point.

Thanks guys,
L&S

Love Bank deposits don't show any immediate effect. There's only an effect after time when they add up enough to cross the romantic love threshold. Then there's a sudden dramatic effect. It's not gradual.

Have you read any of the Marriage Builders books, yet?

As opposed to what? D or limbo


She can't be any further from you than she is now currently.


Plan A, some of it gets through, I promise you. Just b/c she doesn't respond doesn't mean much of anything. People can only speculate. There were plenty of times where my xWW did not respond at all, only to tell me later that she thought about it constantly. How would that not be a win for you in your situation?

You have made it clear you don't want a D, so follow plan A.

Continue to gather what intel you can on the A.

Continue to protect yourself.

And hang in there.

Ok guys, I did not get back on last night because a lot happened and I was very stressed. I just went to bed. WS father came by our house last night. We started talking and he was telling me to let go and move on. I told him I don't want to its too hard. We started talking about POSOM and he said he honestly believes they are only friend. FIL says "my baby girl wouldn't lie to me."

He did say WS asked him what he thought about POSOM. He said he told her "he has a lot of baggage and it will take a long time for him to recover from that. After talking about the situation for a little while he pulled out some paperwork.

It was divorce paper from WS. He tried to talk me into signing them. He kept saying it was the easiest way to get this over with so I can move on. I told FIL I will not sign the papers. I did look over them. WS reasoning was extreme mental cruelty. I was at a loss for words. I have always treated her like a princess. She got whatever she wanted.

FIL then asked me if I had a lawyer. I told him yes. I do not have one at this time but I have a meeting with one next week. He told me to have my lawyer contact her lawyer so I can get a copy of the paperwork.

I had a feeling this was coming but I did not think it would come this fast. It hasn't even been a full month yet. I just am not sure what to do. I plan to drag my feet on this. Do I have to be legally served before I have to respond to D papers? Is Plan A still a good idea at this point?

I am just in shock she had her father come to me and try to convince me to sign the paper. Need help I cant even think straight right now.

I am reading How to survive an affair. I also have His Needs Her needs.

L&S

You have to be legally served. Now, what legally served means can be different from state to state. I'm not saying that FIL giving you those papers was not proper service because I don't know the laws in your state.

However, you must be legally served. In my state, FIL giving you them could be considered legal service. Ask a lawyer in your state.

And yes, I recommend doing Plan A, while continuing to drag your feet on the D. Time is the enemy of the A. A deep, almost unconscious sense of that is often what drives the affairees to rush, before they can change their minds.

Time is your friend. Make it count.

PS Dragging your feet on a D and doing Plan A are likely to make WW very, very angry. That's a good thing. A flaming, irrational WS is actually an improvement to what you have now. It means she's leaving the state of "withdrawal", and entering "conflict".

It's not pleasant to endure, and will probably take some time to develop, but is a good thing.

Did you show FIL the proof you have of their affair?

First off...I presume your FIL was at your wedding and he answered the question "Who gives this woman in marriage" or something like that. You should be lecturing him a little at this point about how inappropriate it is for him to be carrying water for her and bringing you divorce papers. He gave her to your keeping....and as a man he should respect that and be encouraging his daughter to return to you or, at the very least, handle her affairs with you herself. Do not allow him to be the go-between again unless it's to help you save your marriage.

Second, I like how she asks her dad for his approval of OM. It means his approval is still important to her. You need to provide FIL with any and all evidence of the affair that you can muster so that he has no doubt that his daughter is lying to him and that OM is a scumbag he'll never approve of. Don't do it in a bitter or vindictive way...do it almost apologetically saying:

"You told me the other night you didn't think they were even having an affair and I wanted to be sure you had the truth. No matter what happens here I want this all to be dealt with honesty. Here is the much of the information I have about their affair. OM is and will remain a scumbag that is unhealthy for your daughter and my wife. However, you are a grown man that I have always respected and you can draw your own conclusion for the materials provided. If you need or want more, just ask. If you'd like to attend her deposition someday perhaps that can be arranged as well."




Another idea that I've suggested successfully before in situations where the WW won't communicate with the BH is suggesting and/or hinting that the way she's going about things is only going to guarantee a long and protracted divorce case. That if she wants things to move quickly she needs to get real and get honest. A long drawn out divorce case will involve discovery, depositions, interrogatories and investigations. It may even involve a trial if she won't acknowledge her adultery right now and sit down and have a normal honest conversation with her husband. Basically you appeal to her (and OM's) selfish desires to end it quickly by implying that you will roll over and be complacent if she just admits the affair and sits down and talks to you. It's worked in the past. Just don't promise anything. You can drag it out all you want past that...even getting additional conversations with her by dangling the carrot of complacency out in front once more. You see...you are EXPECTED to roll over on this....so playing into that expectation in order to get some face time to Plan A might work.


Your only 28 or so, right? I didn't even get married until I was 30. You'll be OK taking a little more time fighting this out and TRYING to essentially save your wife (whom you've vowed to love, honor and protect) from making this huge mistake with her life. You're going to get a lot of pressure to give up and/or "go dark and save yourself". Please don't listen to it. These people surely care about you and hate to see you suffer. They'll say anything to see you get away from the source of your emotional pain but they don't know squat about saving marriages. Divorce is permanent and, if it happens, you want to be assured hereafter that you did all you could to save it. I've seen many situations on MB turn around on a dime once the affair is busted up. Kill the affair. Harass them within the law. Exposure and Plan A, if and when you can, for just a little while longer.

Essentially...fighting is saying "I MATTER TOO". "I WON'T JUST TAKE IT AND FADE AWAY". No matter how this turns out...standing up for yourself, your wife and your family will, at least, get you out healthy.

Mr. W

P.S. - I'm not saying don't protect your backside. Hire your pit bull attorney and put him to work making this divorce difficult for WW and OM (if possible, many states you can sue for alienation of affection which isn't often a winning claim but it sure threatens and intimidates OM's who are free to seek other more available less drama single women at any time).

I will call around on Monday to see if I can get in with a lawyer ASAP. At this point I am at a stand still until I get legal advice.

I have tomorrow off of work and plan to spend some time with a few buddies. I am going to take this weekend to relax, read and prepare for what is next. I am putting together a list of questions to ask the lawyer. I am not going to push the divorce. I will wait until I am legally served before I take any action. But I will find out what I can and cannot do legally to further protect myself from any harm.

L&S

Another thing...

make YOUR facebook a JOINT facebook. Add her name to yours and add pictures of you and her together.

While she's trying to erase you from her life...you simply contradict the move by adding her to yours.

Infuriating her is NOT your problem. Your problem is her never ending extramarital relationship with her paramour (legal term meaning "illicit lover"). If she wants compliance...she needs to engage you face to face (so you can Plan A her).

Mr. W

Just be careful with drinking. Alcohol is a depressant and it makes you do stupid things. If you do it...make sure UPFRONT you've got someone (hopefully sober) that's accountable for you. This is what you need to tell them.

1. HOLD MY PHONE - Do not let me text or call my WW as I'm bound to say something stupid

2. HOLD MY KEYS - Don't let me drive around drunk and/or try to find my WW or OM in that state.

3. DO NOT LET ME FLIRT OR HOOK UP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN - revenge affairs when drinking at this stage of things are almost cliche. Your friends may even think they are helping you move on but in reality you'll be doing the exact same thing she's doing. Justifying adultery. You are married...until you're not. Make sure that no matter what or how much you drink your friends are aware of your intentions and protective of you in this regard. The last thing your situation needs is another woman in it. Please realize too...betrayed men come off as ultra sensitive hurt puppy dogs to women and there are a ton of single women that can't resist a puppy dog. Hang with the guys...avoid the women. They'll be time for that when you are done with the one you still have.

Finding another woman will NOT show her...it will make you the same as her. You want to pull her UP...not allow her to pull you down. Be a man of integrity and honor...nobody ever regrets doing the right thing.

Godspeed,

Mr. W

p.s. - I presumed hanging with buddies meant having some beers, I apologize if that's completely off base and my post doesn't apply. I've just seen it happen too often and then the poster comes back telling us how stupid and legalistic we are for discouraging him from dating while divorcing. Hook up and your marriage is OVER...because YOU will be too foggy to fix it.

This is normal, you have to file on grounds and that is the most common "reason" given. If and when you respond it's basically the same thing.


Don't panic, you can drag this out for months.


Because she wouldn't have been able to do it herself.

My xWW did basically the same thing, left it in my hands. I didn't do anything with it, dragged it out. I would meet her "under the pretense" to discuss it. I'd show and Plan A her to death, then by the time it got around to discuss what we orginally met for she would get so upset/crying she could never follow through with it. It took her months to actually file in addition to a ultimatum being handed down by POSOM to follow through. She waffled the entire time during the process of D. The last time I spoke with her and papers were signed, she still wasn't sure of herself as if a decision had not been made yet, limbo.

The outward appearence of a WS is showing everyone they are happy and or right in their decision, validating that in any way shape or form.

The truth is they are slowly dying inside. Doing everything they can to escape that.

This is so true. I filed and my WW is missing court dates not doing the required paperwork, etc. The reason being is she and the case with most waywards are putting on a charade and fence sitting. Plan A and drag it out (its up to you).

Ok so Friday morning my mom called me and sais she seen WS with OM in her car when she was coming home from work. She said WS looked at her and her mouth dropped. She sped off and took a different route to drop off POSOM.

Nothing else happened Friday. I went on a golf outing with my buddied and enjoyed the day. On Saturday I woke up to a text from WS mom asking for a key to the house to WS and FIL could come het her things. MIL asked me to not be present when they did this. I told her I would not leave the home and there would be no exchanging of keys. Also, I told MIL as long as her and FIL are supporting the A they are not welcome in our home.

FIL texted me shortly after and said they would be here at noon with or without a key. I then called the police and asked them to be on standby. The police officer came and shortly after WS and her family came.

They took all of WS personal belongings. WS also took her bedrooms set from before we were together as she is moving in with her friend. WS also took a lot of decorations from the house and almost all pictures of us that were framed and hung in the house. This is weird to me since she is pushing the divorce why would she want all the pictures of us from before our wedding and pictures from our wedding. She has taken everything of hers from the house.

WS would not even look at me or speak to me. I tried to talk to her and she did respond twice but it was in a very rude tone. Once WS and her family had everything outside I was watching and she started to cry.

I asked the police officer about my guns. He stated WS told him they never left the house. This was true, the police officer told me he was told WS hid them in the attic. So now I do have all of my guns back.

This was very hard for me to see WS and all of her things leaving the house. It seemed to make this more real for me. My emotions are still going crazy.

I exposed to my whole family this weekend and they all couldn't believe WS would do this. They never thought in a million years her of all people would cheat. They told me they would support me in whatever I decide to do. They also told me not to give up my house even if POSOM lives three doors down. They told me not to let other run my life.

A lot has went down in a short amount of time. I guess it is all sinking in and I am starting to get angry about the whole situation. Especially the way her family has been treating me. That really bothers me.

So now its just me and my dog. I am going to ask the lawyer if this is considered abandonment. Since WS has removed all of her belongings from the home. I need to get with my lawyer ASAP.

L&S

Calling the police was a very good idea and probably saved you a false domestic violence charge.

Exposure was also a terrific idea. Your family was right -- DO NOT give up your house. WWs are good at making their BHs give up everything and you don't want to give her any help.

But if you do recover and OM is really that close by, you will have to move.

Your WW is very torn right now. Conscience is assaulting her mind and though it will lose this siege, it will mount attack after attack repeatedly. She will not be free of it.

Vets will have to explain why she would take personal pictures. I'm not sure about that one.

She took the photos to erase you (and your marriage) and to keep you from having or using them. Obviously, you having them bothers her conscious. Not that she cares about your feelings...you having them makes her feel bad about herself and that can't happen so she took them to soothe her conscious.

Her tears were crocodile tears...a show to impress upon her family just how hard this supposedly is on her and reinforce their decision to support her getting away from you.

She's wayward...her feelings are completely selfish entitlement. Don't fool yourself for a second that she has any empathy for you.


You shouldn't have let them in...absent a court order. She'd already "abandoned" you. If the police wanted to negotiate her getting her stuff you should have offered to bag up anything she/they wanted and bring it out to her...but they can't come in. Neither here nor there now.

Your family is not a good place to get advice (neither are wayward infidelity forums but I already explained to you how whorable and counter-productive that is). They care about you and will advise anything to see you not get hurt. Your family is too emotionally invested and biased to be objective. I think you should definitely slap a for sale sign on your house sooner rather than later. If you get a great offer...MOVE...if you feel like staying...STAY, but chances are you aren't likely to save your marriage and moving on and moving out will be the most healthy alternative for you. It's not just about getting out of that neighborhood but getting a fresh start out of that marital home. Besides, on the outside chance you do recover, you'll need to move anyway and not live anywhere near OM and that neighborhood (or your enabling inlaws) so either way...selling is the way to go but you don't have to decide that today.

Do you have copies of those pictures anywhere??? Maybe your parents have a copy of some of them. When you take pictures of your home in order to sell it or if you post a picture of yourself on Facebook it would be awesome to have some of those pictures she took back up on the walls. It eases her mind to erase evidence of you as a couple, don't allow that...because it's a tell that her conscious is bothering her.

Also...while you decided...getting your home prep'ed for sale is a nice little project for you to distract your attention. You've got to keep yourself busy.

There's still hope, but it's tough to see unless and until the affair is busted up. Keep the pressure up....have you exposed OM at his place of employment? What about the old girlfriend/baby mama that contacted you, is she aware the affair continues?? If you ain't fighting to disrupt and bust up that affair then you aren't really trying to save your marriage....that'd be considered limbo while waiting for a recovery to magically happen.

Godspeed,
Mr.W

I am sure that your family means well, but I can tell you from personal experience, that living down the street from POS OM/OW will keep you stuck in the pain and the past. It was a HUGE load off my shoulders to move and no longer have to drive by POSOW house every time I went somewhere. I can't even put it into words.

It is just a house lost_scared.

I have went back and forth about keeping the house or selling it. I have worked really hard to get everything I have and it is just too hard to let it go. I feel like over time if we do get divorced, I will move on and be able to stay in the home.

I have also though if we do recover we will have to sell the home to get away from POSOM and her parents. If we ever make it to the recovery, I have a list of things I will need from WS to see if she is willing to put in the work.

I am not sure what I want to do at this point as far as the house goes. Idk this weekend has been very exhausting and it is taking its toll on me. I have been drained all day. I think I am going to go to bed for now. I can barely keep my eyes open. Thank you all for your support and advice.

L&S

Hopefully it will be back to Plan A in the morning. Ultimately, what happened today doesn't have an impact one way or the other on your chances. Good job having the police stand by, too.

If you still want to try and save this, there's no new reason why you shouldn't. And if so, Plan A it needs to be.

Lost, a few thoughts on the house, from a dude that went through a divorce last year and had to deal with that:

Ultimately you will not want the house. If she comes back you need to get away from POSOM and her parents since they are enabling her. If she doesn't come back, you aren't going to want to stay there and watch this unfold, nor will you want the reminder or triggers.

When I divorced I didn't even want to eat off of the same plates. I still have the same truck and my motorcycle (those were things that I picked out and viewed as mine, but the motorcycle is for sale), the rest of it got left behind, sold, thrown away, or if they were important enough to not destroy, but not something I wanted (wedding pictures, ring) I boxed it up and stuck it in storage.

Knowing this, you may want to figure out what it's worth, what you owe on it, and start thinking about the numbers part, because that will come up in the divorce if she is set on doing that.

If you want to keep it because you think she may want to come back to you, that may work, but it may work just as well if you put up a for sale sign because waywards seem to have this deal where they don't get it until the consequences are being served (which is one of the many reasons for exposure).

ak

Maybe a sign like this would do? Genders changed, of course

Sorry Lost.

I know that process is not fun.

and

to add that to your WW's inability to even face you.

You will have a couple different options when it comes to the house and your lawyer will/can advise on the best path.


Unfortunately early on the hits keep on coming for the BS.

Hang in there.

On a side note, given that your WW has essentialy done everything she possibly can to rid you of her life.

Don't be shocked if she pulls back last minute.

I didn't get on yesterday as it was another bad day. When I got home from work WS and FIL cam by the house. They were asking for WS bridesmaid dress. I told them I thought she grabbed it when she came Saturday and got all of her stuff. This was not a good idea.

WS and FIL searched the whole house. WS asked me "are you sure you didn't hide it cause you are mad at me." I said no I am not mad at you. I am but I wanted to keep my cool and stay confident. After looking around the house WS began to tear up and said "it must have grew legs and walked away. Then they left.

A little while later a police officer showed up. Same one that was at the house Saturday when WS and her family came to get her things. Cop told me he knows the dress want there Saturday and if I knew where it was to tell him. He said if I tell him I do not have it he will have to file a theft report and I am the #1 suspect so he will have to take me to jail. I then went and got the dress and gave it to him.

I know I messed up by doing this. But it is already done. WS was worried about the dress cause its for her brothers wedding coming up. It was weird this was the first time she actually talked to me and wasn't being rude. IDK it was just overall a bad day.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I have noticed I am going to the gym more. It takes my mind off of this for a little bit. Also, I am starting to concentrate more at work and accomplish my tasks. I meet with my lawyer Thursday.

I have a 5 day weekend which is good. I can try to relax. A few of my buddies are taking me camping and tubing for a few days. It will be good to get away with my personal support group.

I still have not contacted WS nor have I been served divorce papers yet. Its coming its just a matter of time. What do you guys mean "don't be shocked if she pulls back last minute."

Thanks guys,
L&S

We all back slide at some point. And this is one of those moments.

Learn from it.

You have to institute some type of boundary at the home.

Her actions are wayward 101

And you will never be successful if you are constantly being bombarded by WW and FIL.

Allow yourself to mentally prepare for these types of situations.


By pulling back I mean....

Your WW is running from you as fast as possible.

And when it is finally nearing the end.

Don't be surprised if she slams on the brakes.

And all of a sudden becomes unsure.

I think that since all of WS belongings are out of the house, I will not see or hear from her anymore. I am seeing how crazy and irrational the WS can be. She is trying to set me up for failure but I will not let that happen.

I cam home today to a letter from WS in my mailbox, along with small bag of things that were mixed in with her things. A few t-shirts my social security card and my passport.

In the letter was a check. The letter stated "Here is a check to help with September's mortgage and furniture payment. I'm really hoping to have this all done by the end of September because I am not going to be able to afford rent and half the mortgage. The bag is full of things of yours as well.

Keep in mind WS has over 12k of our money in her savings account. I don't feel she is honestly trying to help me. I feel like she is doing it to help her with her D case. It just seems really shady to me. Maybe I am reading too much into it. Maybe she does feel bad and is trying to help. At this point I don't know what to believe from her. Again, I turn into "jelly"

I am going to wait and see what my lawyer says before I do anything with the check. Also, the check was signed with her maiden name.

L&S

Was the check for half the mortgage or just an incremental amount thereof???

Make a copy of the check so you'll know her account information but deposit it sooner than later before she second guesses herself or worse runs out of money. I suppose you can wait until thursday after the lawyer meeting but don't wait to long.

You can see her weak spot...she wants this done in a hurry. I'd love to respond (after the check clears) and say "honey, did you mean September, 2014...I don't think it will take quite that long...let's shoot for next July, lol...but seriously, if you really want this to go quickly and be done MAYBE by the end of the year we are going to need to talk. If you are dead set on leaving then I need closure. It's like you are trying to erase me. I'm not a picture you can just bury, throw away, rip up or shred. We had a relationship and real love at one time and the way you are treating me/us...it's just not nice or very respectful of that. Absent that I will just have to get my answers through the discovery process in our long drawn out divorce case.

Anyway, I appreciate the mortgage check. I make the payments on the 5th of each month so I won't need the next check for your half of the mortgage until October 2nd."


Maybe you should ask for your 1/2 of the wedding pictures back since she took them all. If she won't do it, call the police officer and see if he'll threaten her with arrest for theft too.


What's the equity situation in the home? She's already divided up your savings 50-50 and I presume there's not much equity in the home or she'd be petitioning for a buy-out. That being said...if she thinks the divorce is gonna be over in a month...that means she likely expects just to sign off on the house. However, mortgage companies don't just drop x-spouses off of mortgages. To fully settle the matter...she's gonna sign off AND you'll have to refinance in your own name. How's that going to work? Was your mortgage based upon 2 incomes? Is your income enough to qualify to cover the whole new mortgage? If you have equity...even just a little...in her haste to "escape" you might get her to sign off and just give you the house (and the unrealized gain ...then you could sell it and make the profit yourself).

In the alternative, there's little to no equity (or you're upside down) AND you decide you want to sell...that could be a huge delay tactic (should you choose to delay matters). In such case, you'd just tell the court you don't want the house either...you want to sell the marital asset....since you are occupying it, you can really control it's appearance, plus you BOTH have to agree to the sales price.


I'm not a divorce attorney...but if the house has little to no equity and especially if it's upside down...then essentially all the mortgage payments are really rent. There's no real equity component. In such cases...I've read of judges just not forcing the other spouse to pay 1/2 the mortgage since you both are paying for your own "rent" are your own residences. She pays her rent...you pay your mortgage and that's somehow fair. If you sell the house (or have it appraised)...any equity to be found in those payments gets entirely allocated to you as you divide up the marital property.

Take some time to regroup but since you don't have kids..it's not like any expects you to fight for her for months and months on end. I'd advise you to use the divorce as leverage to get in there and disrupt the affair. Any pressure you can put on OM the better. Heck, make some signs and picket his house or create WANTED or WARNING posters/flyers warning the other neighbors to keep an eye on their wives as there is a prowler in the neighborhood and maybe get HIM to put up a "for sale" sign and make HIM leave the neighborhood and move far far away.

There is a poster here that once took revenge against a contractor that kept parking on his grass by parking in a pickup truck of his own, with his shirt off getting sun in front of the same contractors personal residence. If he's close enough and fireworks are legal in your state have firework parties at your new bachellor pad picking nights the wind blows towards OM's house and angle all your shots that way.

Problem is...when you try to get down in the mud with a pig...you just end up muddy and the pig likes it.

Have a good trip with your buddies.

Mr. W

Good.


I wouldn't be so sure of that, plan how you are going to react to those upcoming encounters.


While waywards are inherently selfish, they do carry around a certain amount of guilt.

Now would she characterize that guilt as being tangible in relation to you.

I don't think she would describe it like that, due to her own justifications of the A.

Just the way she writes to you.

What you don't want to do is grasp on for dear life to every little crumb she allows you to have.

You may not hear from her, but if you're doing Plan A, she will hear from you with NO EXPECTATIONS of hearing back from her.

Don't beat yourself up about the dumb move with the dress, but don't pull any more stunts like that, either. You're better than that.

Are you in Plan A? Because if you are, it's time to plan your next move, while still moving forward to protect yourself financially.

The check was for exactly half of the mortgage and half of the furniture payment. The loan was based on both of our incomes. As far as is my income enough to cover the new mortgage, I have no idea. As for equity on the home we do not have any. The loan was for more than the house appraised for. We have only had the home for little over a year. So we would lose money if we sold the home.

I will not pull any more stunts like the dress situation. I realize it is dumb and a waste of time and energy to go back and forth with WS. I messed up, but it is done and in the past.

I am not currently in Plan A. I have thought about doing a mild Plan A after this weekend with a subtle text on Monday morning. WS is going out of town for the weekend for her future SIL bachelorette party.

I have a list of questions to ask my lawyer in the morning. You guys know my situation and what has happened thus far. Can you think of any questions that seem pertinent to ask my lawyer?

WS wants this over in a hurry.WS is avoiding me and is running as fast as she can. I plan to drag my feet on this. I have not been legally served as of yet.

L&S

Since you learned from it, this is the very best attitude to have.

Ask atty how quickly you can legally secure things so WW has no access to the home.

Neak,

That was one of my questions to ask. I am going to ask him about abandonment. So I can see if she can still access the home legally or if WS gave up those rights when she and all of her belongings left the home. I also plan to ask him how I can secure myself financially so that when and if WS tries to get something in our name I can protect myself. I have a lot to ask him. Most have to do with how to protect myself legally from any further harm.

L&S

I went and talked to my lawyer today. The meeting went well and he answered all of my questions. My lawyer also talked me out of waiting until I am served to do anything. He said this will make me look bad and only upset WS and make her resent me even more. He told me to go ahead and cash the check before WS changes her mind.

He said if I want him to slow down the process he will be the one to do it. He said make me look like the bad guy. He said lets get the blame off of you since you are not the one who is at fault or want this. My lawyer also said, this is a reality check I cannot stop this. He said he will protect me as long as I don't do anything stupid on my end.

He said he will do what he can so that I walk away with the most money in my pocket. For me today was a huge reality check. This is actually happening and I will probably be divorced before our one year anniversary which is the first week of October. I think this is why WS wants this done and over with by the end of September.

When I walked out of the lawyers office and got into my truck I broke down. This is really hitting me hard. Today made me realize and start to accept that this is going to happen. I do feel better about being protected financially and legally. But that does not overcome the fact that I am losing my marriage and my life is changing in the blink of an eye.

Today was just a rough day, as I am sure there are more to come. I think I am going to go take my bike out for awhile and try to clear my head.

L&S

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

Did you ever get into your doctor for ADs?

Do you live in a fault state? Can you state infidelity as the reason for divorce? Can you name OM in the proceedings?

Wouldn't want to upset the WS.

Your attorney is going to fight for you and make things hard for you wife. Hiding behind your attorney is sometimes a good plan, however...your attorney won't give you marriage saving advice. He even said...he's going to make it as cheap as he can which means one of his priorities is getting it over with efficiently. You can stall a divorce pretty cheap but if the battle gets intense...it can get expensive. He doesn't want you doing anything to make her mad because he wants her to be compliant with an efficient...if only delayed settlement.

Almost all divorces settle....so "getting along" keeps the fights over meaningless seeming stuff at bay. He knows that when spouses HATE each other they spends thousands and thousands of wasted dollars fighting over wedding pictures, wedding dresses, golf clubs and the family dog.

Anyway..if he says something like that again...point out that her resentment is not your concern. If she divorces you...you won't be friends or even acquaintances so her anger isn't a problem. You actually want him to be a pain and maybe face some consequences for her behavior.

Sorry you are having such a tough week. It will get better.

Mr. W

This whole thing shouldn't be easy for her. What she's doing is wrong, and it needs to be as hard as possible. I suspect you'll only be D'd by your first anniversary if you go along with her wacky wayward plans.

The only way I'd recommend settling quickly is if you were broke and couldn't afford to fight, or if she gave you the keys to the bank - basically giving you anything you could possibly ask for to have it end sooner.

A helpful book to read might be "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders". You'd understand the dynamics a kbetter, since you both basically had a Renter relationship for about 7 years, before trying to make the leap to Buyers. Whether you R your M or not, I think it would show some pitfalls to avoid in the future.

Sorry you're going through this. I promise that someday you'll be ok again.

Here you go.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Sorry about the news Lost. How are you doing now?

Hey guys, I haven't been on in a few days cause I was out of town. I got some much needed time away. I had a lot of fun with my friends, camping and riding my motorcycle. Also, since I got my guns back I was able to go dove hunting the last few days.

I still have not heard from WS nor have I tried to contact her. I have been thinking about all of this and I am stuck. I really want to put Plan A into full force. The only problem I am having is having "No Expectations."

I just cant seem to get past this. It is hard for me not to have any expectations since I still want my wife back and WS gone. I am also not sure about Plan A when WS is not living in the home. Any ideas or links?

I feel that since I have done nothing and went dark it has had no effect. My only option now is Plan A before its too late. I need some help and advice. I am going back and forth with all of this.

I have accepted the fact that my M is probably going to be over sooner than I think. I know I cannot control this but it is a huge reality check.

Just need some good advice at this point.

L&S

The only problem I am having is having "No Expectations."

FAITH is believing something when evidence points to something else!

You must tamp down your expectations (to zero!) and shift your entire belief system over to faith. Faith that the MB Plan A path will give you the best chance (if small!) at reconciliation. But also: Faith that, failing reconciliation, the Plan A would have conditioned you for moving forward without WW.

Think of a charge-draining resistive shunt on a capacitor. Without it, the dangerous charge may remain in the capacitor until it can do some damage; the shunt drains it off safely.

You do not want to "disconnect" from WW with your LB$ at a high level. You will suffer a loooong time letting that drain off. Plan A (if WW is unaccepting) will drain off your balance ("I tried X: NOTHING! I tried Y: NOTHING!") until it reaches a level that can more easily accommodate a dissolution of whatever form.

I'd suggest looking back over your thread for a starting point on Plan A while WW is out of the home. Not only will you find good advice, but you'll see how much stronger you are in the short time since this has happened. You've come farther than you think.

You have a plan. Stick to it.

I got some interesting news. I have been talking to WS friend who is married to one of my best friends. Friend went with WS on a bachelorette party this weekend. I text friend and sais "when you get a chance to talk to WS alone can you tell her I lover and miss her very much."

Friend told me WS was like what the heck did he forget my number. WS also told friend I messaged her on FB and WS thought that was silly why didn't I text. This is odd to me cause I have text WS numerous times with no response.

Friend also told me WS told her its not like I am even trying to get her back. This is also odd to me cause I have tried to communicate w/ WS and have gotten nowhere. Friend told me I should call WS and try to figure this out.

I called WS and no answer. I didn't think she would answer anyways so I left a voicemail. I said " Hey, WS I was thinking about going on a motorcycle ride later and getting some frozen yogurt. I wanted to see if you wanted to ride along so we could talk for a little bit. Just let me know bye."

I felt this was something I needed to do. I don't know if WS actually thinks I am not trying since I have not tried to contact her in a few weeks or if she is trying to save face w/ her friend.

I was thinking about waiting a few days before sending a text. I have also thought about writing her a letter to tell her there is a way back and I am willing to work on this. Any suggestions?

L&S

WS was like what the heck did he forget my number. WS also told friend I messaged her on FB and WS thought that was silly why didn't I text...I have text WS numerous times with no response...Friend also told me WS told her its not like I am even trying to get her back.

Horrors! Imagine a WW LYING to a third party to deflect responsibility onto her BH!

I'm assuming this friend was not one to whom you sent the exposure information, including all of WW's actions and your efforts. Too bad! Had that been the case, the bachelorette party might have been enlivened by "friend" mentioning that it seems inconsistent to have a cheating adulteress wishing a prospective bride good fortune on her upcoming nuptials!

NeverGuessed,

This friend is one I exposed to. I have also told this friend I have tried to contact WS on numerous occasions and she refuses to talk to me. Friend insists that I keep on trying to contact WS to try and figure all of this out.

You would think it would be hard for a WS to enjoy a bachelorette party and in a few weeks be in her brothers wedding as a bridesmaid when you are having an affair and pushing for divorce.

NG is right. She's gaslighting the situation to make it seem like the break up is mutual along with a little "he didn't/doesn't really care about me anyway".

Maybe you could send wife an email, explaining how you spoke with WS friend and she thinks you need to reach out to wife based upon her conversation with you. She says you acted like I was just letting you go without any upset or argument. How I fails to pursue you and I told friend that wasn't true. I've been trying almost daily but yet she fails to respond. Just in case friend doesn't believe me that you aren't speaking to me after your conversation I'm CC'ing her on this email so she can see for herself that I'm being truthful when I told her I have been trying time and time again to work this out and have repeatedly offered a way towards forgiveness and reconciliation once she/you dump that loser neighbor man-boy.

I'm not rewriting that...tired...my tenses are all off but hope you get the point.

I've also given you multiple suggestions for Plan A. reread. You're gonna have to get more creative than just a voicemail or text. Show up at work....etc.

Mr. W

This may seem dumb, but when WW took her phone and switched plans are you sure she kept the same #?

I do have WS email but I do not have friends email address.

I was thinking about sending a dozen roses to WS work tomorrow. With a not that says " Because I love you, Because you are my best friend. Because the door is still open. Always Will!."

"Always Will" is something we used to say to each other when I was at training or gone to a school. I would say "Always Will" and she would always respond "Always Have"

I have also though about sending her a sweet text in the morning because WS used to love waking up to sweet texts from me. She would always say it made her day and put her in a good mood.

L&S

I am sure WS has the same number because when I called yesterday she still had the same VM message.

That sounds like a good plan, especially the "Always Will" that will bring back memories of your happy times together.

I wish the Harleys would make an MB version of a movie like "Fireproof". As much as I enjoyed it, I kept wanting to give the main characters a good old-fashioned dose of MB advice. I think it would be awesome if we could see, in movie form, how the unselfish, No Expectations part of Plan A really works.

I contacted my lawyer today and told him not to contact WS lawyer. I told him I wanted to wait and be served. I feel this will give me more time to Plan A. He agreed but told me once I am served we have 30 days to respond and not to wait until the last day to bring him the papers.

I wanted to wait until I got some feedback from you guys before I did anything. I did not get the flowers ordered today. I am going to order them tomorrow and have them delivered on Thursday.

I still plan to send her a sweet text in the morning. I am going to say "Good Morning beautiful, not a day goes by that I don't think about you or your smile. I hope you have a good day!" I don't think is should be too long but not too short.

What do you think? Does this make me sound weak or needy? I don't want to come across as that. I want to sound confident and sure of myself.

L&S

I suggest simply sending flowers with the message 'Always Will' or To (her name) from (your name) with nothing else.

Have the text be "Morning, hope you have a good day."

You can Plan A without appearing weak/needy.

Romantic gestures of yesteryear will just irritate her for now. Keep messages simple and kind and sweet but not mushy.

I don't like it because it doesn't engage her in any way into any kind of meaningful dialogue. She'll just roll her eyes and go about her day. I also don't think you need or want to babble on about yourself. That's a whorable idea.

I come back to what I suggested last night...she needs to know that you've been talking to those friends JUST AS SHE HAS and that....just to be sure she needs to know that you are fighting for her and willing to give forgiveness a shot (were she to seek your forgiveness). Then ask her if she'd be willing to meet to discuss this whole thing respectfully at say the local starbucks at 8 pm tomorrow night?

She may just meet with you hoping to speed up the divorce...so what...THAT is when you plan A. A text message isn't a good time to be dropping romantic comments about her smile while she's out cheating on you with OM. Most women only care/love one man at a time and today..you aren't that guy...so it won't mean anything to her (other than..if you are lucky) make her feel even more guilty for what she's done which makes her less likely to want to speak or meet with you.

Be business like. Give her the impression you want to clear up a misunderstanding with the girlfriend and insist that she either needs to get respectful with you or expect a long dragged out divorce (and discovery). You have no intent on just disappearing without more of an explanation.

Again..your "bait" is your seeming willingness to cooperate and her eagerness to get you to cooperate. Your "bait" is not complimenting her smile. Once you get her alone...you offhandedly can compliment her but reaching out to her with compliments alone will have no effect.

Mr. W

I did send a text this morning. It said "Good Morning Beautiful, I hope you have a good day today." I am going to work on a email tonight. I will post it on here to get some feedback.

I am still thinking about sending the flowers. I know WS used to love when I would send her flowers out of the blue. WS liked when I had them sent to her work.

Should my email be short and to the point or should I insert Plan A things in there as well? I am just trying to bring good memories to her mind of times when we were happy.

L&S

If you send flowers the card should NOT be in an envelope and you want it to read:

"From your loving husband who is doing everything he can to save our marriage. Come home...we can work this out."

You WANT her co-workers to read it and spread the rumor around. You WANT to upset her and contradict the things she's been saying around the office. The more people that know she's a liar the better...and perhaps someone somewhere will finally sit her down and share their own story and advise her that things can be different.


The email should/could be the same thing. You don't have that persons email but you some others. CC them saying you heard a rumor that WW has been running around telling everyone that you've given up on her and the marriage. That you haven't even tried to reconcile and that you just don't even seem to care and that THAT is the furthest thing from the truth. That you've been calling, texting and trying to talk to her for weeks now. That you've indicated a willingness to work on the marriage and forgive her for her affair with OM were she to end things with him once and for all. Indicate that although many may feel that forgiveness and reconciliation is a waste of time and effort but, for now, that is your mistake to make and you've remain subject to your vows and commitments to love, honor and protect your wife in good times and bad and she certainly needs protecting from this former convict predator OM.


It may seem harsh...but you've got nothing here to lose. Your soft approach isn't engaging her at all and you need face time one way or another in order for her to reflect on your relationship at all. She's avoiding reality...so reality needs to knock a little louder until reality gets a response. Her response MAY be a restraining order. So what? Court requires time, effort and maybe you'll get to see her there. Being quiet and barely trying to contact her other than a few text messages here and there is merely rewarding her silent treatment. It's working for her. Instead find a way to make it NOT work for her....make talking to you work better. Perhaps the lure of a "friendship" work for her. You won't be begging her for another chance so much as just trying to get back into a friendly relationship with her so you can accomplish two things:

1. Become, once again, a source of advice, comfort, information versus talking and relying solely on OM, her father and her friends

2. OM won't like you talking to her and it interferes with their affair. OM KNOWS she's a liar so any time she spends with you will set his imagination running wild and they will lovebust each other (because soulmates are supposed to trust each other implicitly).

Final thought...what would you do if your wife was on a crack bender at a crackhouse somewhere for days even weeks on end with only her cell phone? Would you be sending her notes about her smile or telling her to have a nice day? Would you really care if she thought you were needy or desperate? Why would what a crackhead thinks matter? Being nice is not fighting for your marriage. That's just hoping being nice will sort things out. Get in this fight. This is a war against her addiction to OM. YOU are her superhero who MAY be able to save her from a lifetime of waywardness or not...what would you do if you weren't afraid?

Mr. W

+1 with Mr. W


This isn't panic mode time, but you need to leverage what you can right now and use that to your advantage.


For all we know she has blocked you from sending text's to her.

If you are going to Plan A this has be used with multiple methods as Mr W. was saying.


And


Before you fire off an email, please post it here before you hit send.

Pay attention to the message Mr. W advises you to send.

You are NOT dealing with your Wife.

You are dealing with an Alien Wayward who has twisted reality and spun Her victim story to anyone she could.

Your Lovey Dovey notes Will NOT break through to her, but rather push her farther and farther away.

I hope you take the advice you have been getting here and on the other forum.

I was a push over wimp and it did NOT get Any positive results at all.

LTL

I really like that idea I am going to call and have them deliver the flowers tomorrow. I am going to tell them not to put the card in the envelope. I will have them put on the card exactly what Mr. Wondering said. Should I have them put the "Always Will" on the card as well?

I am sure WS has spun plenty of lies at her workplace. Keep in mind WS is a special education teacher at a grade school. The only thing that worries me is if she does put a restraining order on me. I am not sure if that can effect my military career. I will come up with an email tonight and post it on here before I send it. I will probably wait until Friday to send the email.

I feel like I shouldn't doo too much at once. Also, any feedback on how this will effect Plan A. Some of this does seem pretty harsh to me. But you guys are right my sweet texts are having no effect at all. I need face time to Plan A in a calculated effective way.

L&S

A WW needs to be Plan A'd with a bit more sternness than a WH. Those are great suggestions.

I think Mr. W's thought is complete in and of itself. Save the "Always Will" for another day. It's a great line, but too much info for her to take in at once. WS's have very short attention spans, and anything longer than what Mr. W recommended will muddy the water.

I doubt if a RO without verifiable grounds will count against you much, if at all. Any idiot can ask for one, and at least get a TRO. She would need much more to get a more permanent RO, which you'll be extremely careful not to provide her. So for now, if she does meet you, public places only, and don't respond to any provocation, except to leave.

I got the flowers ordered with the message that Mr. W suggested. I also told the flower shop not to put the card in an envelope. They will be delivered today between 12 and 1.

I was thinking about sending a text this morning but I decided not to. I think the flowers will be enough for one day. I don't want to do too much too soon. I did not get a chance to write the email last night. it is the first thing I am going to do tonight when I get off of work.

I will post it on here before I send it Friday morning. Thank you guys for all of the advice. With how I have been feeling about all of this it is kind of hard to be creative.

I am glad I have decided to finally go all in with Plan A. I just hope it is not too late since I was on the fence for so long about it. It is all starting to make sense to me. Plan A but being stern. This will not make me look needy but confident.

Thanks Keep it coming,
L&S

You should be confident...you are taking a hero's last stand for your marriage.

Now...is there anything you can think of that you could do to get under OM's skin? When you poke at a hornet...you might as well poke the entire nest. OM is a single guy...if your wife becomes too much trouble he may just move on to easier less complicated conquests.

What about the old ex-girlfriend/baby mama?

Mr. W

MrWondering,

I do feel more confident that is for sure. I am standing up for my marriage again. As for OM he is a single guy. I have tried and tried to think of things I could do to make his life harder and get under his skin. I have not been able to think of anything I can do that will not make me look bad or crazy.

I do want to frustrate him and make things harder for him. OM has court tomorrow morning for his 2nd DUI and illegal possession of a firearm charge. I hope they throw the book at him.

I have talked to OM baby mama and she said he has found out OM is on cocaine. She did say he agreed to pay her $100 a week and help with clothes and medical. He is giving her whatever she wants cause he cannot afford a lawyer if she takes him to court. She has told me he is the type of guy that gets with a girl gets what he wants then moves on to the next.

Any ideas on what I can do to make his life harder and push him away from WS?

L&S

Wonder if you could show up in court or somehow get a message to the judge. The judge has a lot of discretion in sentencing and a God fearing Christian judge MAY throw the book at him on your behalf. Heck...he could get creative and make ending the affair a condition of his parole. There is an army of secret former betrayed spouses out there just itching to settle the score with an unsuspecting OM. It's a longshot but that's one of the beautiful things about exposure....you never know where your marriages best allie will be.

I'm not a litigator so I don't know...but it's possible you could request the clerk to allow you to address the judge after the guy pleads (or is found guilty) but prior to sentencing. At that point you merely state how this guy has victimized you AND YOUR WIFE and how you'd like to see him punished for his crimes today to the fullest extent of the law. Be brief and non-vindictive. It's a protective action really on behalf of your marriage and NOT revenge against the OM (revenge is an empty hole).

Just you being there will tick him off.

Also...you aren't allowed to take pictures in court but film him on your cell phone leaving the court and then make facebook posts about the whole thing thereafter spreading the good news about OM.

Cockroaches hate the light of day. Shine a flashlight on them and they scurry away [like when they scurry away to another forum to hide from the "singing streetwalker"].

Mr. Wondering

I have talked to OM baby mama and she said he has found out OM is on cocaine.

If true, you can almost certainly expect to find out that WW is partaking of the same vice. Sorry - but we have seen this scenario play out too many times not to predict the likely.

Use this in your fight. Me to you 14 August:

Do I recall that WW is a Special Ed teacher? Did your exposure list include a selection of her closest (cattiest?) co-workers? (Remember, Plan A specifically includes the admonition NOT to prevent the fallout from her adultery from landing on her. I'm not sure how administrators would view an adulteress instructing students, many of whom already wrestle with emotional disabilities.)

Adding the fact of her associating with a purported drug user to your workplace exposure would create elevated trouble in WW's "paradise", which is exactly what you want until the affair ends.

Also, maybe moronic FIL would take his head out of his rectum long enough to listen to this story, if augmented by those images to which Mr W alluded.

I was advised not to show up at OM appearance so I called a friend yesterday who was going to try to pull some strings for me to get a bug in someone's ear for OM court appearance this morning. They told me they cannot make any promises but the message was delivered to the right people.

WS is not friends with any of her co-workers. They are all much older than her and she doesn't really talk to them. Knowing that I did not include any of them in my exposure.

I got divorce papers in the mail yesterday. There was a letter in there from her lawyer stating if he does not hear from me in the next 10 days he will have me served. I decided to take the papers to my lawyer today. I am sure he will call or email me very soon.

I knew it was coming so it wasn't that surprising to me, but it still really hurt. Again it was another huge reality check. Still no contact between me and WS. I have not sent a text or call since Wednesday and the flowers were delivered yesterday with MR W note.

I just cant stop thinking about how fast this is happening. It is hard to concentrate on anything at this point. Once again at a loss as to why.

L&S

Once in the court system, you can do much to drag things out, if you so choose. Make this take as long as possible. And as difficult for WW/OM as you can.

I'd still expose to her co-workers, even if you think there's not much of a bond. A trust-filled position like SE teacher needs a person of integrity to fill it, and they may be able to put additional pressure on the A that no one else can.

No stone unturned!

You need to send certified letters to the principal, vice principal, HR, the school board, the superintendent.

I would also include OM's public rap sheet which you can print off court view.

Work exposure is crucial in this.

I understand that but if WS loses her job won't that make me look really bad? I feel like exposing like that to her job will make reconciliation impossible. That is huge. Exposure like that will push WS farther away. I am definitely on the fence about this one. It was hard for me to even expose but I knew it had to be done.

I went back and forth about it then finally did it. I'm not sure about this one guys. I feel like the restraining order would come. A order of protection. I have to think twice about everything I do, I don't want to hurt my military career.

Exposure like that will push WS farther away.

So she might send you REALLY MEAN divorce papers?

You are so disoriented my friend, that you cannot think strategically.

- If WW were to lose her job, would she be MORE or LESS keen on kicking you out of her life, and moving in with the troglodyte in his parents' basement?

- If the school were to investigate and can her, would that not go a long way in demonstrating the legitimacy of your claims to anyone on the fence?

- If, as is almost certain, she's huffing the crack pipe in addition to OM's "pipe", do you not have a moral duty to alleviate her exposure to at-risk children?

Until the affair is over, you are AT WAR. Get 'er done, dude! Stop thinking, start acting!

The consequences of her having an affair must happen. And how would this ruin your career? SHE is the one who had an affair.

Agreeing with NG. Get 'r done. Expose as has been told to you.

Sorry guys I just don't see how this will even help. I cant do that to her. I have already exposed and I have already received divorce papers. I feel like at this point I should be in Plan A not pushing her farther away.

I know WS better than anyone and her losing her career would definitely push her over the edge. Also, if we were to reconcile this would not help either. She would be without a job and that would only make it harder. I thought long and hard about exposing to people WS worked with and that just isn't the right answer for me.

I am still in Plan A. I sent WS a message on FB today "Hey gorgeous wanna go get some fro yo later and talk for a little bit." As suspected not response but that hasn't changed.

I also went goose hunting this morning and when we were at my friends cleaning birds WS and her friend drove by. I just wish I knew how to break through to her.

L&S

You ought to stop the 'gorgeous, etc' in your texts.

Simplify for the wayward mind
'Want to get some Frozen yogurt later?"

"Interested in the movie _________?"

"Nice sunny day. Hope you are enjoying the weather."

If you send simple messages.......she is more apt to consider them.

HTMS

1. Exposure is part of Plan A. It's the Carrot AND the Stick, not the Carrot OR the Stick.

2. Her adultery (even if drug use is not in the picture) is most definitely impacting her job performance. She can't be a bad adulteress part-time, and a good teacher the other part. Adultery spills over into every aspect of life, with a tremendous negative impact, and a higher risk of anger and violence to everyone the WS knows or is around...including children.

You can choose not to expose to her workplace. But it sounds like you're making many of your decisions based on fear. Not a good or healthy place to be.

I am scared and living in the fear of the unknown. I am scared because I don't have any control in this matter. I am scared because I don't know how this is going to effect my life in the future. I am scared because I am losing my marriage so quickly. I know regardless of the outcome I will be ok, but that does not make this any easier.

I have to give it more thought about exposing to her workplace. As for the texts I will try to simplify them more. I was thinking about doing something but, I wanted to get everyone's opinion before I do it.

I have drill next weekend, where I have to stay out of town. I was thinking about calling WS and asking her if she would be interested in keeping him for the weekend. I see this as kind of a Plan A thing. Letting WS know this is still her dog and the door is still open.

When I had VAR in the garage before I changed the locks, WS would come everyday and let our dog out on her lunch break. Everyday when she left she would always tell him she loves and misses him. When WS was home he was her dog. He had nothing to do with me when WS was around.

It was just an idea I have been tossing around. Cause next month at drill I will be gone again. Let me know what you guys think.

I appreciate it
L&S

Yes on the dog. It's a connection between you two in a situation where she was to erase any connection or reminder of you.

I'm debating this suggestion but perhaps making her come to your home to check on the dog would be best for the connection thing to. Better have the place cleaned out of anything she may steal or destroy and make it clear OM is not allowed on the property.

Have you done any remodeling, redecorating, repainting yet? You want to be changing things up and making the house yours as an indication you don't intend to leave (even if you do end up listing it soon they don't have to know that...let them think you intend to stay up the street forever). It's also an indication that you are a fully functional individual capable of taking care of your home and moving on if you must. This is a contrast effect to OM who is falling apart himself.

Mr. W

I don't think your home suggestion is controversial. While still in Plan A, getting them back in the house again, even for short time periods is great. (If you can do it.)

It isn't until Plan B that you want the dwelling fully off-limits. But just as you said, steal-proof and destroy-proof your stuff.

Funny how she can't connect the dots.



Finally, the string that keeps you attached.



I had pretty much the exact same situation in relation with the dog/dogs.

I have not done anything to the home other than put a new vanity sink in our bathroom. WS has already seen this. She actually complimented me on it. I have kept the home clean and tidy.

I am going to ask WS about our dog on Monday. I feel it would be best to contact her about it while she is at work. So she does not have friends/family telling her this is a bad idea.

I was also thinking about changing the locks back on our home. I feel this would let WS know the door is still open and she is still welcome in our home. If WS does agree to take the dog and possibly let him out again during the day, I will definitely steal proof my home.

I have already taken all important paper documents out of our home. I also have documented everything that still remains in our home. I have went back and forth about asking her about the dog. Thanks for giving me the courage to do so.

Let me know what you guys think about changing the locks back or simply giving her a key to our home.

Thanks L&S

I have also, stopped posting on two forums. I plan to stick to this one and keep taking the advice given by all of you. I feel this is the best plan for me and all of your help is really appreciated. It is kind of hard for me to get creative right now. All of our input and ideas have helped thus far.

Good.

It's better to get advice from here, which follows Dr. Harley. A clinical psychologist with 40+ years of saving marriages and the only proving program that works from infidelity, and 95% of his information is free.Then another site with a bunch of wannabe psychologists with no degrees and failing marriages.

You may not be able to recover your marriage, but you will recover yourself. Stick with what has been proving to work.

It's better to get advice from here which follows Dr. Harley.

Well, yes and no, Brainy!

Gathering the advice is worth jack-sh1+ unless one follows/applies said advice.

So, L_S, have you summoned the courage to expose to her co-workers and school administration, yourself, or are you continuing to waver on conducting the FIGHT necessary?

Whether you give her a key or change the locks back, isn't the message one in the same.


Does WW know you have drill?


Wouldn't hurt to add some mystery as to why you are going to be gone for a few days.

I would not change locks back.
You can Plan A without playing with fire.

I would keep my house a 'safe from unsupervised waywards' zone.

She can visit the dog in the secured area.

You can make the garage a cool hangout.

I hear what others are saying about letting her in but unsupervised.....it would give me, personally, nerves of jello. I would flinch each time I entered after she was there. Wondering what was taken or gone through.

I agree. Your home should be a safe zone. You don't want her taking anymore sensitive documents. She can visit/care for/interact with the dog in a neutral zone.

Lastly - if it at all helps consider your marriage lost - any action you take improves the chances of recovering your relationship (i.e.: exposure to her work). My wife said she would divorce me if I told anyone in her work - well I did, and it result in saving our marriage - it snapped her out of the fantasy world she was in and that was months after I tried talking to her and doing a modified exposure.

I liken following Dr. Harley recommendations like following instructions listed on the side of toothpaste. It doesn't work following part of the instructions and doing your own thing for the other half. Try it yourself. It doesn't work.

I had thought that maybe the A had ended but I just got confirmation OM is still in the picture. I was told they were seen together at Wal Mart a few days ago. Also, a few weeks ago WS deleted every pic of us off of FB. I was looking at her pictures today and she forgot one so I "liked" it. A few minutes later WS deleted the picture.

WS does not know that I have drill this next weekend. I am still not sure about exposing to WS work. I want to make things more difficult for OM. I just don't know how to do this without getting in trouble. If I knew I could get away with it I would just whoop his a$$ and make him think twice about messing with a married woman.

As you know on FB you can put saying and stuff on there> I was thinking about putting one on there about not giving up on relationships?

L&S

There is going to be trouble one way or another if you want to save your marriage. You can survive her anger, but NOT HER INFIDELITY.

Stop worrying about her being angry and her hating you. If you snap her out of this she will thank you for fighting for her.

EXPOSE TO HER WORK BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.

(You don't want her saying to them that you are abusive or worse, do you?)

Interesting....I used the phrase "yes and no" in my reply to Brainy, when more accurately I should have used:

So, L_S, have you summoned the courage to expose to her co-workers and school administration, yourself, NO

...or are you continuing to waver on conducting the FIGHT necessary? and YES!

Dude, we cannot conduct the campaign to save your marriage for you!

I am not asking you to conduct a campaign to save my marriage. I am asking for your help and opinions because you all have been through this before. I am ultimately going to do what I feel is right for me. With your help and opinions I will make better decisions.

I know my wife better than anyone. I know she is not my wife right now she is a WS. I do not know how to deal with a WS properly that's why I am asking for help so I can make as few mistakes as possible. I do thank you for your help that is why I am here. But if I feel it isn't right I shouldn't be forced to do it.

L&S

Devil's advocate here.

I don't feel like exposure at work will help. First of all, trickling out exposure is not effective. You missed your chance on the first round.

Secondly, you two don't have much to glue this together. You're young, no kids. I'm sorry to say but these are often the toughest to recover because there just isn't a lot of glue.

Some posters would probably recommend walking away and starting anew with what you've learned here. It's sad and I know you want to recover the marriage.

Just my thoughts. I think more exposure at this point might backfire. But I also think you should consider cutting your losses and moving on.

I agree that exposing more at this point will only backfire for me. I made the mistake and didn't do it when I first exposed. This will only make things worse for reconciliation.

I am getting ready to send my text about WS watching our dog this weekend. I wanted to get a little feedback first. Would a text be ok or should I do it on FB where I can see if she read it?

I am going to say " Good morning WS, I have to go out of town and I was wondering if you would be interested in watching "dog" this weekend. I know he would love that. I was also thinking that if you would like to let Remy out through the week again that would be ok too. If this is something you would like to do let me know and I will leave you a key. I hope you have a good day."

Let me know what you guys think.

Text is fine. Hope she responds. If not, Tuesday evening you might want to ask again telling her to let you know ASAP so you can otherwise make other arrangements for the dog. Perhaps indicating she can take the dog somewhere else and watch him/her if she likes because really any scenario whereupon she watches your marital dog keeps the connection alive and gives you additional reasons to contact her.

As far as the additional exposure at work...I don't see how backfiring is a problem here. What, maybe she won't call or speak to you anymore and/or file for divorce? Wait...that's already happened. What could possibly backfire?

You may think your resolved to fight this forever but honestly at your age, a short marriage to a girl that's been in one relationship (with you) from age 17'ish until age 25 and absent children....you probably aren't going to still be resisting the divorce, spending tons of money on attorneys and fighting for this marriage even 2 months from now. Maybe you will but that's not my experience on these forums. Guys like you (but not you specifically) give up and move on quickly (which in most situations...is the best thing to do...we are not a marriage at all costs forum). Therefore, exposing her at work may be just the thing that facilitates her hitting her rock bottom sooner than later and time is certainly of the essence here. Although she should be fired for infidelity, schools are typically a hotbed of immorality so it's doubtful she will be fired. You may get lucky. She may also be on drugs which is certainly a very good reason she needs to be fired and those children protected. We are NOT advising this as a means of punishing your WW. This isn't to be vindictive. You will be doing it to protect the children from her [and potentially OM's] harmful influence and hoping SOMEONE SOMEWHERE in the chain of command at the school will stand up to her, bend her ear and guide her on the correct path. IF she happens to get fired...it'll be because of her behavior...and not your exposure. Once her hole of consequences is deep enough...THAT is when she may finally look around for a way out and ask you for a ladder.

Another benefit. If it by some outside chance worked, because of exposure around town and at work, your recovery would certainly then necessitate a move. Great, a fresh start for your marriage somewhere else far away from OM and her enabling father.

I respect your right to run your own life, just adding in my learned opinion for your consideration. You'd be surprised how much tragedy follows around waywards. They often have difficulty paying attention and impulse control problems. Children are not safe around them. My wife totaled her car. Something could happen at that school and you've got the information that could prevent it. It's the right thing to do all the way around. "Backfiring" isn't relevant...your position in this battle couldn't be any worse.

Mr. W

I also want to weigh in on the exposure at work. It needs to be done. Dr. Harley advises workplace exposure. With her family supporting her wayward ways, you may be the only person in her life holding her accountable. Which BTW is one of the best ways to show your love, enabling is the death.

A strategic error in the first exposure doesn't mean a second round of exposure shouldn't be done. The only thing it means is that the effect has a risk of being less impactful, but a reduced impact is an impact, nonetheless.

You've already lost her. She is gone from you. You're on a fast track to D. What do you really have to lose?

Fear, for one thing. Adultery as an intruder in your life, for another.

I sent the text. I do not think she will respond though. If she doesn't I will take your advice and send another text tomorrow evening.

I do not see myself giving up on this. I am a very strong willed person. being in the military I have learned not to give up on anything. Fight for what you believe in at all costs.

I know I need to expose at her workplace. But, is hard for me to see WS doing anything to harm the children. She is very good with children and her two nieces were like her own kids. If we were to ever reconcile I just can't get it through my mind how this would be beneficial.

I have taken all of your advice thus far I am just having a tough time with this one. I feel like trickling exposure will not have any effect as they will just think I am crazy. I will come to a decision on this if I am going to do it has to be done right and not spur of the moment.

L&S

Her very influence is damaging to the children, and to everyone else she's around. A wayward is like a walking, talking, toxic soup. The vapor cloud extends around it,and anyone who is close gets exposed to the poison.

And if she's on drugs like her winner OM, she's extremely dangerous. Even if she doesn't take drugs herself, she can be exposed to them accidentally.

I'm all in favor of taking the time to do exposure right...as long as that doesn't slip into Delaying out of Fear Territory.

That's passive aggressive. Your wife will take it as a subversive tactic on your part to "cause" trouble and give her more reason to distrust and vilify you.

At the end of the day -it's your call. You are getting good advice.
I wouldn't tell her that you have drill this weekend - it won't make a difference to her.

The affair will continue unless you use 100% of your energy, reserves, contacts, will and power to end it. Either that or you can wait around and hope it dies its own natural death. Your choice.

Oh, and by the way, you know how your going back and forth on whether or not to expose, when you know the right thing is to expose to everyone; thats the same thing she is doing with your marriage, she knows the right thing is to come home and work on the marriage - but we all don't do the right thing do we?

Personally, I didn't want to expose my wife to her work. It made me look small, weak and it embarrassed me to strangers whom I have previously met and interact with on a somewhat regular basis - a small price to pay that crushed the affair instantaneously.

Again, so long as you don't do the right thing, she probably won't either.

Well said. You must also temper your expectations with the reality of her continued affair, pending divorce and ultimate dissolution of your marriage. Expecting to have a shot at saving your marriage without taking the necessary steps is unrealistic.

No one is forcing you to do anything you aren't prepared to do - but be also prepared for divorce proceedings.

Have to play the angel with a halo here,
My wife and I just recently celebrated our first year anniversary, have no kids, not "much glue" as you put it. I trickled exposure - first to her friends and mine, then 2 months later to her work.

Yes I realized I should have done a full blown exposure - but my goal wasn't to save the marriage, or make her love me, or get her back, or avoid her anger - my goal was simple, direct, focused - ENDING THE AFFAIR. PERIOD.

Was she angry - yes. Was it a massive love bank withdrawal - yes. Was my goal accomplished of ending the affair - yes.

Once that occurred - anything else was possible.

Again - we are all at different points at different times post affair realization - you may not be prepared to have her end the affair just yet - when your desperate enough you will. I was very desperate.

I am trying to build up the courage to expose to her work. I want it to be well planned and calculated. I don't know any of their email addresses or any of their names. She works for a grade school and they did not have parties or anything like that so I could interact with them.

I don't even know how to go about contacting them. I can probably find some of them on FB but other than that I have no idea.

I did not tell WS in my text that I had drill I left it at I was going out of town for the weekend, I text her exactly what I posted.

I just don't know.

L&S

Ok.

I'm going to reverse my opinion and say expose at work.

First, you have NOTHING to lose because she's already gone.
Second, look at reason number one.

I think you're fighting an uphill battle here as I mentioned before due to youth and no kids. If you were ready to walk away, exposure wouldn't much matter beyond the moral implications of her losing her bearings as a result of the affair.

If you're bound and determined to fight, then expose and do it ASAP.

Don't use email to expose the work place. Use certified mail so someone has to sign for it. You send an email from a non internal source and it may send it straight to their spam folder, not what we want.

Go to the school boards website, all the info will be there, if not call and ask on who to address the letters to.


I know it is terrifying, but you are doing the right thing.

LS, I have not read your whole thread, but wanted to make a comment about workplace exposure. An effective workplace exposure is done to Human Resources, supervisors and key executives. I believe your wife works at a school, so in her case, the exposure would be done to HR, the principal, and the superintendent. You might even want to include a key board member. Coworkers are not included in the exposure because they are not in a position of power. Please go check out my exposure thread in my signature link.

I as well didn't know how to expose to my wife's work place. I didn't know the contact in HR, didn't know any name. Then I found google. I googled where she worked and found the name of the HR department. Then found the name of all the department heads.

I sent each a letter individually signed by me via fedex - next day delivery with signature required.

While finding out the names of people within her school may be difficult, a quick google search may be more revealing than you think - send it to everyone one that you find.

EDIT: Melody as always has an appropriate list of people to send it to. If you don't know names, use the titles.

If she works at a school it should be fairly easy to get email contact info via the school's website. I would send a letter to the principal and CC the superintendent. The is crucial because it will require the principal to pay attention to it. Many principals in my experience won't do jack to rock the boat otherwise.

Ok guys I have been doing my research and found the schools website and the key personnel. I still have to come up with a letter though.

Also, tonight after my softball game I came home and found some interesting news. I got on our local county clerks website where you can look up all local records. I searched OM under criminal records and got awesome news.

Last week OM had a court appearance for his 2nd DUI and a firearm charge. All along I was told even by OM he was getting 90 days house arrest but it gets better. OM was sentenced to 90 days in a correctional facility!!! OM has to report to jail on 9/11/13. I am freaking out with joy!!!

I have not heard from WS about watching our dog this weekend but I plan to send another text tomorrow evening. I am sure she is spending as much time with OM as she can before he goes away. It also said Om will have a SCRAM devise applied to him when practicable? Not sure what that means.

Also, I talked to my two nephews who attend the school where WS teaches. They said they haven't seen her in a few days. Which means she probably wasn't there when I had flowers delivered.

I feel like this is a whole change of events, not sure where to go with this news. I just know this is great news and I am going to try to run with it.

L&S

That is good news.
Put a bow on the Doug's collar!

Check the links Melody gave you.



This is your shot Lost.

You have to kill this A off.

Even if the school peeps might try to turn a blind eye at adultery, when one of their teachers is committing adultery with a felon, they'll have no choice but to pay attention.

Mel has some great exposure letters. In addition to detailing OM's record, I would suggest adding this bit. "For my wife's sake, and the sake of the good reputation of the school, I hope this situation can be handled administratively. However, with something so important at stake as the safety of numerous children, if no action is taken, I will have no choice but to take this information to the community as a whole."

The threat of having a flock of irate mothers and fathers descending on them, demanding to know why a dangerous felon is connected to the school their precious babies attend, ought to give the administrators some serious pause.

GREAT news about the incarceration! Why can't more OM/OW be locked up???

Here from the Exposure 101 thread is your workplace exposure letter.

I know I am going to get a rash of crap for saying this but I am going to say it. After finding this out and having OM out of the picture for three months I really feel exposing to work I s bad idea now and will only backfire.

I feel like this is my best window for Plan A and reconciliation. I don't want to anger WS anymore during this time I want to draw her back paint the picture that the door is still open. I think Plan A should be at its strongest right now.

I am thinking about sending another dozen roses to her work this week. If I do on the card I am going to say, "Because I love you, Because you are my best friend, Because we can get through this. Always Will!

I am also going to send another text this afternoon about her keeping our dog this weekend. "Hey WS, just wanted to see if you wanted to keep "Dog" this weekend. You don't have to watch him here and I can leave a key for you if you would like. Just let me know for sure so I can make other arrangements if not. Thanks."

L&S

It's ok - we all have our limits. Personally, I don't think your at that point of desperation yet - and that's ok.
Your not going to get any crap from me because I understand - I feared my wife's anger. I feared her reaction. I wanted her to only see me as the good guy. I felt I would loose her to the OM if I ruffled too many feathers. I felt I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. It took me 2 1/2 months to expose to her workplace - but I did it only because I was desperate. The fear of her anger, the fear of a divorce, the fear of loosing her forever, the fear of her never loving me again, the fear of not reconciling was far less than my desperation of ending the affair.

While the roses and an invitation to watch your dog is very generous and transparent, but this is what you can expect:

1. The roses will be delivered, but the message will not be received - she is not in a place to accept any acts of love from you.

2. She won't watch your dog. If she does it will be to gain entry into your house and obtain whatever sensitive documents she may need - it's why you are trying to coerce her by "leaving a key".

This is not a prediction, but a fact:
When you return from the weekend, you will notice things missing - if not personal documents, it will be items from your home.

The affair will not end. Because he is locked away, the distance and forced separation will create an even deeper longing in your wife for him. The 90 day sentence actually creates a locus of focus (a point of focus if you will) which they can rally around and support each other. She will (and this is a guarantee) visit and support him, talk to him, provide financial support for him while THEY are going through this disaster together.

Your username is very appropriate lost_scared. You are definitely lost and scared. I deeply urge you during these next 3 months while you don't expose the affair to buy and read Surviving an Affair. It will help you immensely. It not only gives you a direct path to recovering after an affair and the best shot to getting your marriage back on track - it also details why you are doing what you are doing and why your wayward wife is doing what she is doing. More importantly it details what doesn't work and why. The "why's" is very important.

Best of luck.

From a former poster named, Chrisner.

Does the 3rd from last paragraph sound familiar?

LTL



Quote:
It�s interesting how many men react to their wife�s adultery with such trepidation and fear. They simple don�t understand the dire emergency and threat adultery is to their marriage. It�s always about the fear of their wife. Fear of her anger. Fear of �pushing her further away�. Fear of losing their precious adultery stained marriage and perhaps if they do nothing it will all go away and maybe they won�t even get a disease.

In other critical situations most men will act quickly and decisively. A sort of intuitive understanding to �assault the ambush� mentality. Don�t hide behind a stump until they pick you off. Charge! Hey, they might get you anyway but at least you have a chance. Right?

For example you are up in Alaska and suddenly are confronted by a Kodiak bear. And he�s hungry. This also qualifies as a dire emergency and threat.

Fortunately you are carrying a .300 ultra magnum caliber Remington Model 700 BDL rifle with a 26 inch barrel and gloss walnut grips and your collection of trophies from NRA competitions in you den back home indicate you know how to use it.

The 1,400 lb. bear wipes away his drool and charges.

What-ya gonna do Bubba? Negotiate? Hide behind a stump? Not likely.

But when your 125 lb. adulterous wife tells you �If you (fill in the blank with an action that stands up to her adultery), I am going to stomp my feet and put on a super pout!�, you assume your fetal position on the floor of the guest room.

�You�re right honey. I�m sorry. I just don�t want to push you further away. I�ll be in the guest room if you need me for anything as soon as I'm done arranging the flowers I bought you.�

I don�t know guys. This gets embarrassing sometimes.

Where has all the testosterone gone?

I totally understand your reason for not exposing. I also totally disagree with that course of action.

Exposure is such a powerful weapon that if I had known to use it early on in the A (I only found MB toward the end), I could have killed it so much sooner, and saved myself months of heartache and stress. It was so powerful that it continued to rock the affairees after the A itself was.

We recovered from the bomb of exposure, where we would never have R'd from the A until it was over. Had much more time gone by, I wouldn't have wanted to R anyway.

Even though I did an amazing job dealing with the A, I wasn't perfect. Now that I have the value of hindsight, I do my best to help other BS's avoid some of the pitfalls I blundered into.

Which is why I vote expose, and soon.

I'd advise you to toss this nuke in NOW, and have 90 days with no OM around to let the fallout land, and for WW to see what it's like trying to date an incarcerated felon while facing the disapproval of others.

Meanwhile with you doing a stellar Plan A.

I think you're underestimating the strength of the A, and taking a trowel to a gunfight. Exposure is still your best bet to level the odds.

Lol, if that Kodiak charges, and you look down and see a Remington in one hand, and a butter knife in the other, are you going to pick the butter knife so you don't provoke him?

The thing people need to get is that making their WS angry does not mean that they made a mistake.

Very true! In fact, the angrier my wife got I realized that I was doing the right thing - with respect to exposure, and reconciliation.

Anger is progress over full withdrawal.

The sad truth is that I can admit now that i was like lost_scared - I was afraid of my wifes anger. I'm not proud of that fact - but I honestly cannot tell you what specific thing I feared. I wish that I had found this forum sooner. I wish I would have followed what I read and understood to be true right away.

I look back and I realize that my goal of getting my wife back wasn't the main goal - it was a hybrid of her not being angry and accepting me again. Sad. The key was waking myself of up and remembering that I had a spine.

Lost_scared will get there. I have faith he will. So long as he reads Surviving an Affair - he will get there.

You guys are totally right I am scared right now. I fear so many things that might happened if I do something. I am an over thinker. I think about everything and the consequences before I react. I have always been like this. This is why I was on the fence about my first exposure and this one.

I am not saying it is a bad thing it has kept me out of a lot of trouble in my life, but it has always been an issue for me. I have faith I will get to that point where I can stand up for myself again. It is just hard when I think about how many love bank withdrawals this is going to cause.

I need more deposits so we can get on at least speaking terms again. I just have to muster up the courage to do it. I hope I do before its too late.

One of my fears is that I don't have enough time to break through to WS. WS has already filed for D and I have taken the paper to my lawyer. He said he will drag his feet for me. But I feel like I should be making more deposits than withdrawals at this point. This is exactly how I reacted to my first exposure.

I finally grew a pair and did it though. I hope I can this time as well.

L&S

Look at it like this.

As you stand right now, there is little chance at recovery.

Because the A is still ongoing.

And

Recovery can't happen until the A is dead.

You could make a strong argument for yourself on non exposure if your plan was to wait for the A to die a natural death.

Which is typically 2 years, a far cry from 90 days.

But from the sounds of it your WW has filed D and wants this all to be done with as quick as possbile.

So we don't have that two year time frame.

Exposure helps speed that general 2 year window up as fast as possible.

It (exposure) can only help you at this point.

If you would buy Surviving an Affair and read it you would know that you can't make any love bank deposits to get on talking terms while she is actively having an affair. Ending the affair is the only way to enable you to make love bank deposits. (it even will take some time after her withdrawal for that to happen).

Buy the book and read it - your actions, though well intentioned, are actually uninformed. Recovering after an affair is not intuitive - you can't think your way out of it.

I totally agree. The exposure is the only thing that can help him right now - because it will snap her back into reality and out of the fog. No flowers, text messages with promises of keys to watch a dog, or long session of logical discussion can help him.

But, its his decision. This will all be over and moot in a few months and good learning process for future relationships.

I waffled like you are doing.

I didn't know this program, but i have seen how it shakes an affair up from reading every thread from beginning to end over the past 4 months.

When i bought flowers for my W while she was in Withdrawal and likely a current A, she complained to a neighbor that, "The A-Hole Just Doesn't Get It".

My continuous acts of affection wound up being unwanted pursuit and probably caused LB Withdrawals in her mindset.

Stop doing what is Not working and try the tactics suggested by those wiser veterans.

Anger IS better than Withdrawal.

LTL

What is it that you fear? That she'll file for D? She's already done that.

Are you afraid that she was just playing around, filing for D, and if you make any noise, she might go forward with it? Lost, she has filed to divorce you.

And now you're thinking "If I'm agreeable and don't get demanding, she might change her mind." Lost, she has filed for divorce! She's already dropped the bomb!

I'm sorry, but I can't remember - did you expose the affair? Is it too late to expose? NEVER. You have an 11th hour salvo you can throw into your WW's affair. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WEREN'T AFRAID?

Dude, your marriage has an adulterous cancer within it.

• The operation to remove the cancer is difficult, painful, and not 100% certain to succeed.
• The prognosis of NOT taking action is a long, lingering, agonizing death.

What will you choose, friend?

The operation WILL succeed...what isn't guaranteed is whether the surgeon will save the infected limb. But the patient WILL survive, recover, and thrive!!

Every time you get scared, just think of your WW as a cancer-infected arm that you'd really like to keep, but will be able to live without.

Neak, your modification to my analogy improves it greatly!
Do you mind if I put it away in my "future posts" notebook?

Sure! I'm honored. And since we're speaking of thriving without arms, did you see this?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...mother-lost-arms-aged-2-BODYBUILDER.html

I have been mowing it over all day and I still don't have the full mindset to accomplish this. To answer some of your questions I did expose to WW family and friends, OM family and friends and my family. One of WW friends is someone who subs at her school all the time. I also sent the flowers to her school and the card was not in an envelope. It read " From your loving husband who is doing everything he can to save our marriage. Come home... We can work this out.

I have not heard anything from WS about watching our dog. I am making other arrangements for him for the weekend. Also, WW has not blocked my cell phone yet as I called her today and it rang and rang then went to VM. I left a message saying "Hey WS, Just wanted to see how your day was going. Wanted to know if you wanted to talk for a little bit."

I am going to send another dozen roses tomorrow. With a card that says "Because I love you, Because you are my best friend, Because we can work this out together. Always Will!" Do you guys think this makes me seem weak or needy? I have also though about sending sweet texts in the morning again. WW used to love this. Since OM can no longer text her in the morning or all day everyday. I want to fill that void. I am still in Plan A.

I am trying to get it together to expose to work. This is a really tough one for me guys. Last night was a hard night for me. All I could think about is that OM was going to jail today and WW was at his house last night. I am not for sure if she was but I could only think she was. I broke down and cried and cried. It is all I have been able to think about all day.

I plan to write a love letter at some point. I just have so much to say and don't know where to start. Life seems broken right now and I am having trouble picking up the pieces.

L&S

You will make it lost. It'll be ok.

The flowers and text are fine, but the text shouldn't be "sweet". It should attempt to be engaging. To invite a friendly response. To OPEN dialogue whereupon maybe...just maybe YOU can fill the "friendship" void left open by OM.

How about something like:

"I'm going to need your mortgage check for September and still wish you'd take the dog this weekend. Also if you want to end our marriage by 2014 we are going to need to be on speaking terms. Losing my wife and best friend in the course of a six weeks has been extremely upsetting to me. I can't eat nor sleep. I don't even know if you are safe. Please help me understand this and give me some closure"


Whatever BS you can throw at her to get her to start talking to you.

My preference would be that you'd have the work exposure done BEFORE that text message. She may respond after the exposure or after the text to lecture you about the exposure but either way you can give a half-hearted George Costanza apology "Was that wrong?....if someone had told me that that was frowned upon here up front then I certainly wouldn't have done it".


Finally...the love letter. DO NOT SEND IT. If you must, write it for your own benefit and put it away. If you ever get the affair busted up and you are able to actually make love bank deposits THEN might be a good time to present it to her as a demonstration of your love and commitment in "bad times"....but she certainly won't care about it now.


Sorry you are having a tough night.

Mr. W

Lost_Scared - in all honesty, she was probably at his house last night. He is after all going away for a period of time. Mostly likely doing what "couples" do - trying to enjoy each others company before they are separated.

We all have said this before - you are putting yourself through hell trying to wait until the embers of this affair burn out. Only you can stop the pain by exposing her affair to her workplace. If you do not, remember the pain from last night - they will be more nights like that, with even greater pain.

Why expose to her work? Well here is what is happening.
1. She is angry with you right now
2. She has already filed for divorce
3. She is not going to accept any love gestures from you (flowers, cute cards, cute voice mail messages) - in fact, they are probably making her even more angrier at you. Why? Because in her eyes - YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!
4. She likes/loves being with OM
5. OM is satisfying her needs

So why expose to her work?
1. It ends the affair and gives you a fair fighting chance to save your marriage by kicking her off the fence or getting her out of the affair fog.

At the end of the day - it is your choice. I can tell you are in a lot of pain - but if you don't end the affair - this pain you are feeling - it's only the beginning. It took me waking up in the middle of the night crying like a little child so loudly that it woke my wife. She tried to comfort me. I was so disgusted that I told her not to touch me. That very day I exposed to her work. The affair was over from that moment. She and the OM were let go from the company - and we moved out of the state a few months later. Thats what it took for me to wake up - to be a man, and reclaim my masculinity - hitting rock bottom.

If I can impart one thing to you - it's you don't have to feel the pain that I felt - you can spare yourself this agony and trauma. You don't have to follow my footsteps. But sadly I feel that you do need to feel that searing pain to wake you up and force you to act.

EDIT: BTW - the second you expose to her workplace - guess what? She's going to open dialogue with you. Will she be angry/pissed - you bet. Will it be another level of pissed/angry? Hardly. Why? Because you had the strength to stand up and fight for your marriage instead of sit back and let your wife leave. Your actions tell her and dictate how much you really care for her and want her back.

Ok so I was sitting on my front porch just to get out of the house for a little bit and I saw WS back out of OM driveway. She didn't turn her lights on trying to be sneaky. Then about 20 minutes later WS walked back down to OM house. I cant do this anymore I am tired of being hurt if WS wants to be with a loser so be it.

I deleted all pics of her and I on FB and changed our relationship status to its complicated. Immediately WS future sister in laws sister liked it and commented "if that's what you want to call it."

I deserve better than this. I shouldn't have to be treated like this. Obviously WS doesn't care how I feel about this or she wouldn't be doing what she is doing. Sorry guys I just cant take this kind of treatment anymore. I am at a loss and still love her I just deserve better. I am a good man and I have done a lot for our life and it is unappreciated. Its time to start making moves in a positive direction.

L&S

EXPOSE TO HER WORK.

"It's complicated" is not cutting it.

She is walking all over you and hating you because YOU WILL NOT STOP HER!

Once again I acted solely on emotions. Now I regret what I did. I changed my status back to married but it is pending request from WS. I am all over the place and don't know what to do. This sucks. Now I know I really screwed up. I am going to bed.

As I stated earlier she will mostly likely spend the night with the OM - I expected that. And that pain you felt, it's only the beginning - but your not quite there yet. When you hit that breaking point you will know - and once you do you will expose her affair to her work.

We all don't instantaneously take the actions that are required even though we know it's the right course of action - we are all human, and for some, it takes time - but we all get there. You too will get to that point in your own time.

Continue to read Dr. Harley's book Surviving An Affair, it will provide you with some insight into your wife's behavior and hopefully the strength you will need moving forward.

Best of luck lost_scared.

Hitting the breaking point and "knowing" is not the key to exposure. "In your own time" should never apply when a wayward is involved!

Exposure needs to be done without dithering around and wasting precious time!

I agree. It should be done immediately. No BS should wait to expose - and yet he won't expose his wife's affair to her workplace. Regardless of how we coax, give logical reasons as to why exposure needs to be done - he still won't do it. He will only expose when he is ready to expose. When he gets to that point he will expose.
We could post reason after reason after reason until our fingers are raw to the bone on our keyboards - at the end of the day he will only expose when he makes up his mind to expose to his wife's workplace.

I have never understood the "won't expose" mindset since I arrived here.

If OM were stealing BH's cable service, he'd report it. If he were siphoning gas from BH's car, he'd take action. But as long as OM is merely using BH's wife for carnal/emotional pleasure, it's not important enough to make efforts to halt.

I just do NOT get it!

It's because they want to treat it like a medical or legal problem, where there is some sort of implied confidentiality. That is a stupid reason, I know. But by mixing in a little conflict avoidance with the implied validation of confidentiality, you have your reason not to do anything.

lost...just EXPOSE already! You have every chance of ending this affair with an exposure bomb like the one you have. DO IT!!!!

You know what needs to be done.

You back from training?

What's the Sitrep?

Ok guys I am back. Not much has happened. OM did not get incarcerated, he was put on house arrest because county jail was full. I did not expose to WS workplace. I have not sent flowers to WS I have only sent her a FB message. She read it but no response. We are still not on speaking terms. WS is still trying to hide all of this.

My father seen WS walking to our local gas station with a few co workers the other morning and she stood outside while her co workers cam in because my father was inside. Later that day my father saw WS and waved at her, WS waved back.

That same night I was sitting on my porch again and saw WS walking to OM house. I stood up WS saw me put her head down and snuck around to the back of the house. WS knows that I know, why doesn't she just own up to it and stop trying to hide it.

WS is trying to be sneaky and she is not very good at it. I am at a loss. I still have love for WS and still want to work thing out. I just don't think I can take anymore of the heartache and being walked on every time I try to break through to her.

I have not been served my divorce papers yet, but I know it is coming soon. I have passed the 10 day period her lawyer set for me to contact him before being served. It has been 14 days since I received the letter from her attorney.

I was also told WS was at a golf outing last weekend and she looked miserable. I was told WS didn't really talk to anyone and sat in her cart most of the time with a disgusting look on her face.

At this point guys, I don't know what I want to do. Plan A or just move on for me.

L&S

This should be your course of action. I don't know if you don't understand or are just in denial but WW will not have any interest in you until her A is over, period, end of story. Exposure will throw the A into chaos and array and it will cause her alot of embarrassment, pain and problems. It will also do this for the OM and the A will most likely not survive. THEN, you can try to win WW back and actually have a fighting chance. Until this happens you are fighting an already lost battle my friend.

Have you tried meeting her under the pretense of what has been suggested?


Avoiding the consequences, would have been nice to have that work exposure complete.


The thrill of the A.


Your not going to break through until the A is gone.


It does not take long to get served once papers are filed, couple days if that.


Her misery is not indicative of the A being anywhere near over, only inner turmoil.

Heck I ran into my xWW and POSOM not too long ago both looked like they have aged 5 yrs, more miserable than I have ever seen and I thought xWW was going to cry as soon as she saw me.

Again doesn't mean anything as long as the A is on.



You have to do something L&S.

You will receive support for the ACTION of Plan A. You will receive support for the ACTION of Plan D. (Which should also include the ACTION of Plan B, just to protect you from the fallout of the A.)

What you won't receive support for is INACTION.

Your lack of action is costing you dearly in health and sanity, and multiplying your pain way past what is necessary to endure adultery. Pick one or the other and DO IT.

Mom always used to tell me, "Pee or get off the pot." I think she didn't like the whole wait-till-the-end-of-the-chapter approach. Well, time for you to make a decision and take action, too. No more sitting there, legs falling asleep, trying to get to the end of the chapter. (Or worse yet, the end of the book, Yes, I did that, too.)

Sit down with conviction, or get up with a conviction. But ACT!

Well, any update yet?

Have you been served? It's been well over 10 days so far.

LTL