Was the check for half the mortgage or just an incremental amount thereof???

Make a copy of the check so you'll know her account information but deposit it sooner than later before she second guesses herself or worse runs out of money. I suppose you can wait until thursday after the lawyer meeting but don't wait to long.

You can see her weak spot...she wants this done in a hurry. I'd love to respond (after the check clears) and say "honey, did you mean September, 2014...I don't think it will take quite that long...let's shoot for next July, lol...but seriously, if you really want this to go quickly and be done MAYBE by the end of the year we are going to need to talk. If you are dead set on leaving then I need closure. It's like you are trying to erase me. I'm not a picture you can just bury, throw away, rip up or shred. We had a relationship and real love at one time and the way you are treating me/us...it's just not nice or very respectful of that. Absent that I will just have to get my answers through the discovery process in our long drawn out divorce case.

Anyway, I appreciate the mortgage check. I make the payments on the 5th of each month so I won't need the next check for your half of the mortgage until October 2nd."


Maybe you should ask for your 1/2 of the wedding pictures back since she took them all. If she won't do it, call the police officer and see if he'll threaten her with arrest for theft too.


What's the equity situation in the home? She's already divided up your savings 50-50 and I presume there's not much equity in the home or she'd be petitioning for a buy-out. That being said...if she thinks the divorce is gonna be over in a month...that means she likely expects just to sign off on the house. However, mortgage companies don't just drop x-spouses off of mortgages. To fully settle the matter...she's gonna sign off AND you'll have to refinance in your own name. How's that going to work? Was your mortgage based upon 2 incomes? Is your income enough to qualify to cover the whole new mortgage? If you have equity...even just a little...in her haste to "escape" you might get her to sign off and just give you the house (and the unrealized gain ...then you could sell it and make the profit yourself).

In the alternative, there's little to no equity (or you're upside down) AND you decide you want to sell...that could be a huge delay tactic (should you choose to delay matters). In such case, you'd just tell the court you don't want the house either...you want to sell the marital asset....since you are occupying it, you can really control it's appearance, plus you BOTH have to agree to the sales price.


I'm not a divorce attorney...but if the house has little to no equity and especially if it's upside down...then essentially all the mortgage payments are really rent. There's no real equity component. In such cases...I've read of judges just not forcing the other spouse to pay 1/2 the mortgage since you both are paying for your own "rent" are your own residences. She pays her rent...you pay your mortgage and that's somehow fair. If you sell the house (or have it appraised)...any equity to be found in those payments gets entirely allocated to you as you divide up the marital property.

Take some time to regroup but since you don't have kids..it's not like any expects you to fight for her for months and months on end. I'd advise you to use the divorce as leverage to get in there and disrupt the affair. Any pressure you can put on OM the better. Heck, make some signs and picket his house or create WANTED or WARNING posters/flyers warning the other neighbors to keep an eye on their wives as there is a prowler in the neighborhood and maybe get HIM to put up a "for sale" sign and make HIM leave the neighborhood and move far far away.

There is a poster here that once took revenge against a contractor that kept parking on his grass by parking in a pickup truck of his own, with his shirt off getting sun in front of the same contractors personal residence. If he's close enough and fireworks are legal in your state have firework parties at your new bachellor pad picking nights the wind blows towards OM's house and angle all your shots that way.

Problem is...when you try to get down in the mud with a pig...you just end up muddy and the pig likes it.

Have a good trip with your buddies.

Mr. W

Good.


I wouldn't be so sure of that, plan how you are going to react to those upcoming encounters.


While waywards are inherently selfish, they do carry around a certain amount of guilt.

Now would she characterize that guilt as being tangible in relation to you.

I don't think she would describe it like that, due to her own justifications of the A.

Just the way she writes to you.

What you don't want to do is grasp on for dear life to every little crumb she allows you to have.

You may not hear from her, but if you're doing Plan A, she will hear from you with NO EXPECTATIONS of hearing back from her.

Don't beat yourself up about the dumb move with the dress, but don't pull any more stunts like that, either. You're better than that.

Are you in Plan A? Because if you are, it's time to plan your next move, while still moving forward to protect yourself financially.

The check was for exactly half of the mortgage and half of the furniture payment. The loan was based on both of our incomes. As far as is my income enough to cover the new mortgage, I have no idea. As for equity on the home we do not have any. The loan was for more than the house appraised for. We have only had the home for little over a year. So we would lose money if we sold the home.

I will not pull any more stunts like the dress situation. I realize it is dumb and a waste of time and energy to go back and forth with WS. I messed up, but it is done and in the past.

I am not currently in Plan A. I have thought about doing a mild Plan A after this weekend with a subtle text on Monday morning. WS is going out of town for the weekend for her future SIL bachelorette party.

I have a list of questions to ask my lawyer in the morning. You guys know my situation and what has happened thus far. Can you think of any questions that seem pertinent to ask my lawyer?

WS wants this over in a hurry.WS is avoiding me and is running as fast as she can. I plan to drag my feet on this. I have not been legally served as of yet.

L&S

Since you learned from it, this is the very best attitude to have.

Ask atty how quickly you can legally secure things so WW has no access to the home.

Neak,

That was one of my questions to ask. I am going to ask him about abandonment. So I can see if she can still access the home legally or if WS gave up those rights when she and all of her belongings left the home. I also plan to ask him how I can secure myself financially so that when and if WS tries to get something in our name I can protect myself. I have a lot to ask him. Most have to do with how to protect myself legally from any further harm.

L&S

I went and talked to my lawyer today. The meeting went well and he answered all of my questions. My lawyer also talked me out of waiting until I am served to do anything. He said this will make me look bad and only upset WS and make her resent me even more. He told me to go ahead and cash the check before WS changes her mind.

He said if I want him to slow down the process he will be the one to do it. He said make me look like the bad guy. He said lets get the blame off of you since you are not the one who is at fault or want this. My lawyer also said, this is a reality check I cannot stop this. He said he will protect me as long as I don't do anything stupid on my end.

He said he will do what he can so that I walk away with the most money in my pocket. For me today was a huge reality check. This is actually happening and I will probably be divorced before our one year anniversary which is the first week of October. I think this is why WS wants this done and over with by the end of September.

When I walked out of the lawyers office and got into my truck I broke down. This is really hitting me hard. Today made me realize and start to accept that this is going to happen. I do feel better about being protected financially and legally. But that does not overcome the fact that I am losing my marriage and my life is changing in the blink of an eye.

Today was just a rough day, as I am sure there are more to come. I think I am going to go take my bike out for awhile and try to clear my head.

L&S

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

Did you ever get into your doctor for ADs?

Do you live in a fault state? Can you state infidelity as the reason for divorce? Can you name OM in the proceedings?

Wouldn't want to upset the WS.

Your attorney is going to fight for you and make things hard for you wife. Hiding behind your attorney is sometimes a good plan, however...your attorney won't give you marriage saving advice. He even said...he's going to make it as cheap as he can which means one of his priorities is getting it over with efficiently. You can stall a divorce pretty cheap but if the battle gets intense...it can get expensive. He doesn't want you doing anything to make her mad because he wants her to be compliant with an efficient...if only delayed settlement.

Almost all divorces settle....so "getting along" keeps the fights over meaningless seeming stuff at bay. He knows that when spouses HATE each other they spends thousands and thousands of wasted dollars fighting over wedding pictures, wedding dresses, golf clubs and the family dog.

Anyway..if he says something like that again...point out that her resentment is not your concern. If she divorces you...you won't be friends or even acquaintances so her anger isn't a problem. You actually want him to be a pain and maybe face some consequences for her behavior.

Sorry you are having such a tough week. It will get better.

Mr. W

This whole thing shouldn't be easy for her. What she's doing is wrong, and it needs to be as hard as possible. I suspect you'll only be D'd by your first anniversary if you go along with her wacky wayward plans.

The only way I'd recommend settling quickly is if you were broke and couldn't afford to fight, or if she gave you the keys to the bank - basically giving you anything you could possibly ask for to have it end sooner.

A helpful book to read might be "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders". You'd understand the dynamics a kbetter, since you both basically had a Renter relationship for about 7 years, before trying to make the leap to Buyers. Whether you R your M or not, I think it would show some pitfalls to avoid in the future.

Sorry you're going through this. I promise that someday you'll be ok again.

Here you go.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Sorry about the news Lost. How are you doing now?

Hey guys, I haven't been on in a few days cause I was out of town. I got some much needed time away. I had a lot of fun with my friends, camping and riding my motorcycle. Also, since I got my guns back I was able to go dove hunting the last few days.

I still have not heard from WS nor have I tried to contact her. I have been thinking about all of this and I am stuck. I really want to put Plan A into full force. The only problem I am having is having "No Expectations."

I just cant seem to get past this. It is hard for me not to have any expectations since I still want my wife back and WS gone. I am also not sure about Plan A when WS is not living in the home. Any ideas or links?

I feel that since I have done nothing and went dark it has had no effect. My only option now is Plan A before its too late. I need some help and advice. I am going back and forth with all of this.

I have accepted the fact that my M is probably going to be over sooner than I think. I know I cannot control this but it is a huge reality check.

Just need some good advice at this point.

L&S

The only problem I am having is having "No Expectations."

FAITH is believing something when evidence points to something else!

You must tamp down your expectations (to zero!) and shift your entire belief system over to faith. Faith that the MB Plan A path will give you the best chance (if small!) at reconciliation. But also: Faith that, failing reconciliation, the Plan A would have conditioned you for moving forward without WW.

Think of a charge-draining resistive shunt on a capacitor. Without it, the dangerous charge may remain in the capacitor until it can do some damage; the shunt drains it off safely.

You do not want to "disconnect" from WW with your LB$ at a high level. You will suffer a loooong time letting that drain off. Plan A (if WW is unaccepting) will drain off your balance ("I tried X: NOTHING! I tried Y: NOTHING!") until it reaches a level that can more easily accommodate a dissolution of whatever form.

I'd suggest looking back over your thread for a starting point on Plan A while WW is out of the home. Not only will you find good advice, but you'll see how much stronger you are in the short time since this has happened. You've come farther than you think.

You have a plan. Stick to it.

I got some interesting news. I have been talking to WS friend who is married to one of my best friends. Friend went with WS on a bachelorette party this weekend. I text friend and sais "when you get a chance to talk to WS alone can you tell her I lover and miss her very much."

Friend told me WS was like what the heck did he forget my number. WS also told friend I messaged her on FB and WS thought that was silly why didn't I text. This is odd to me cause I have text WS numerous times with no response.

Friend also told me WS told her its not like I am even trying to get her back. This is also odd to me cause I have tried to communicate w/ WS and have gotten nowhere. Friend told me I should call WS and try to figure this out.

I called WS and no answer. I didn't think she would answer anyways so I left a voicemail. I said " Hey, WS I was thinking about going on a motorcycle ride later and getting some frozen yogurt. I wanted to see if you wanted to ride along so we could talk for a little bit. Just let me know bye."

I felt this was something I needed to do. I don't know if WS actually thinks I am not trying since I have not tried to contact her in a few weeks or if she is trying to save face w/ her friend.

I was thinking about waiting a few days before sending a text. I have also thought about writing her a letter to tell her there is a way back and I am willing to work on this. Any suggestions?

L&S

WS was like what the heck did he forget my number. WS also told friend I messaged her on FB and WS thought that was silly why didn't I text...I have text WS numerous times with no response...Friend also told me WS told her its not like I am even trying to get her back.

Horrors! Imagine a WW LYING to a third party to deflect responsibility onto her BH!

I'm assuming this friend was not one to whom you sent the exposure information, including all of WW's actions and your efforts. Too bad! Had that been the case, the bachelorette party might have been enlivened by "friend" mentioning that it seems inconsistent to have a cheating adulteress wishing a prospective bride good fortune on her upcoming nuptials!

NeverGuessed,

This friend is one I exposed to. I have also told this friend I have tried to contact WS on numerous occasions and she refuses to talk to me. Friend insists that I keep on trying to contact WS to try and figure all of this out.

You would think it would be hard for a WS to enjoy a bachelorette party and in a few weeks be in her brothers wedding as a bridesmaid when you are having an affair and pushing for divorce.