I hate dating. I wish I could skip to the "being in a relationship" part. I've been on 5 first dates in the past 6 weeks, all but 1 of them being men from a dating website. At first I was optimistic about dating websites, because that's how I met my ex-boyfriend and even though that relationship ultimately ended, I still considered it to be a win as far as using a dating site.

One of them actually showed up still wearing his playoff beard when the Hawks had won the Cup 3 weeks prior - fine, with some warning or expectation but there was none of that and all his photos showed him clean-shaven. I feel like I still don't know what he looks like because his beard had reached ZZ Top proportions.

Others lie about their appearance - they say they're 5'10" but they're really 5'7". Or their photos are old and don't reflect a recent weight gain. And both of those things might not be dealbreakers, but to lie and misrepresent yourself right off the bat to me is a very bad sign.

They talk about themselves and seem perfectly happy not knowing anything about you. Or, they are incapable of holding their own end of a conversation.

It's SO frustrating. On the bright side, I'm learning about what I want and do not want. But I may give up before I find "the one"!

Okay. Just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.

Don't despair, learn how to use data mining to get better results from online websites. Ignore any 'matches' the computer throws at you and do your own searches. This will take some real effort and focus on your part but it definitely works. Think of a key word or two that will thin out the prospects. Maybe a sport or hobby that would only be shared by a certain kind of person.

Then read what they say about themselves paying careful attention to 'between the lines'. Someone obsessed with themselves will definitely give this away if you look at what they write.

Also stay away from people who live some distance away as they are more likely to be cheating.

Please post your dating stories on here.
I am also looking to date for the first time after divorce and would like to know how your online dating turns out

LW - Yes, I have no idea how they create their "matches" - they clearly have no idea what type of person I'm looking for! That's interesting what you say about long-distance, I never thought of it that way. I guess I was just trusting that if they say they are single, they're not lying. Plenty of men are very open about being married and looking for something on the side.

Jedi - Per your request, I'll give a brief run-down of the dates I've had so far.

#1 - Met him through a wrong number. I changed my cell # a year ago, and to this day I still get people calling the person who had the # before me. #1 sent a group text, including me, and after I replied that he had the wrong number, we somehow ended up exchanging a few texts and the next thing I knew we were meeting for a drink. He was very nice, but very out of my league. I'm pretty sure his shoes cost more than my entire outfit, including my purse! He wasn't in sales but he did have that sort of sales-y personality where he's always "on" and you can't really tell if he's being genuine, or if he just always knows what to say. I had a good time, but we were not each other's type. I need to date a normal person of normal means rather than a millionaire who admits that he lives off protein shakes and client dinners. I think he may have even expensed our drink tab!

#2 - Met him from OKCupid. Single father of a 12yo boy, blue collar worker, about 5 years older than me. Such a nice guy. But, conversation was like pulling teeth. I'm a very easy person to talk to - I'm an open book and I love to learn about people so I ask a lot of questions when I'm interested in getting to know you. I don't know if he was just nervous, but I really felt like I had to keep the conversation going. It was a very long 2 hours. He did message me the next day to say he had a great time, but I didn't feel a connection was there so I told him so and wished him luck.

#3 - ZZ Top guy. When we first began emailing through the dating site, we set a date to meet in person but it was a good week and 1/2 out. I did give him my number (lesson learned - no giving out numbers before you meet and actually like the person) and he proceeded to text me constantly every day for about 4 days. Eventually he got the hint that I did not want to text so much when we hadn't even met yet, and stopped but by then I was already starting to not like him as much. Then, we meet and he looks like a long-lost Duck Dynasty brother - (again, not necessarily a bad thing, but not what I was expecting). I was so distracted by the beard that I really don't know if I would have liked him without it. He did speak very negatively about his ex-wife so maybe he's a little jaded. He also told some stories about his job which I think were intended to show me he has authority, but actually made him look like a jerk. He didn't ask many questions about me. A few days later he texted me to ask how I thought our date went. I said that I didn't think we really hit it off. He agreed, we wished each other well, I haven't heard from him since.

#4 - I can't say anything negative about him, other than I just didn't "feel it". I guess I'm assuming that when I meet the right one there will be some sort of instant attraction. This guy was a sweetheart but I just had no desire to see him again. Perhaps I wasn't physically attracted to him. I recall him mentioning that his job was very demanding and caused him to sometimes miss important family gatherings and that was a red flag to me, although maybe that wasn't a fair call. I guess I just don't want to have to deal with someone that might have to bail on me every now and then.

#5 - We had set a date to meet for brunch after a few days of emails. When we set the date, it was for brunch. He emailed me the night before to say he had an upper respiratory infection and had to take a rain check. He didn't immediately reschedule, so I figured I would likely never hear from him again, but I did about a week later. He was nice but lacked drive and ambition. He spoke about his job with a sort of laziness. His whole manner of speaking was lazy, now that I think about it. He talked about his band a lot. He asked very little about me - actually anytime I tried to relate to him with a story about myself, he would manage to turn it back to him. So we left with me knowing a lot about him, and him knowing very little about me.

Yesterday I had a moment of stupidity and I looked up my ex's girlfriend on Facebook. (I found out he was dating someone because she posted a picture of them with a mutual friend on that mutual friend's page. I've since deleted the mutual friend from FB - we'll be friends in real life, just not on FB). The fact that I did this in the first place, and the fact that it hurt so much to see him looking very happy with another, makes me think that perhaps I'm still not ready. When I do meet someone who has the potential for long term, I need to take it much, much slower that I did with my exbf. I don't really know if I should just stop dating altogether, or keep doing it just so that I'm getting myself out there and becoming comfortable with letting someone else in again. Like I said I don't like dating. I'm not good at it. I'm very good at being in a relationship. My exbf and I did just that - we were immediately joined at the hip pretty much from Day 1. It was a mistake, in retrospect. I became very dependant on him and he on me.

I know Dr. H recommends 30 dates to find the one, I have the feeling it's going to be more like 130 for me this time around!

Those of us who have been married tend to move too quickly into a renter/buyer mentality because that is what we are used to.

One of Dr Harley's best suggestions is to be as much of a freeloader as you can be during the first few dates. That way you can enjoy yourself whilst not worrying too much about what he thinks (or does not think lol) about you.

I would add to that to be as open minded as you can be so that you can try out as many different types of people as possible. Hey you never know.

Keep the dates short - first dates should only commit you to 10 mins max, that way you are not stuck for hours with a nut job.

Im in a 6mo relationship after using dating sites. I was only on them two weeks, but I know what you mean about frustrating!

My BF had been looking for five months and he was so ready to throw the towel in. He met me mid month and he was going to delete his account within a week. He was getting very unusual messages from some loose ladies and he was close to despairing.

The only thing I can say is read between the lines a lot. Look for signs of moral values and any hint of contradictions. Be wary of people who are vague in what they want.

What made me choose my BF's profile initially was the 'attraction' facility, where you click on pictures. We both clicked each others' picture. Then when I visited his profile, he was using his real name and had a link to his real website. I felt that was quite open and ruled out the possibility of lies somewhat. He also made a point of saying on his profile that married people, separated or otherwise, should avoid messaging him.

Of course even when things look really promising, it can still be hooey when you meet.

Just persevere and don't rule out real life meetings!

I steer clear of anyone who 1) says they're looking for casual dating/no committment, 2) doesn't want kids, 3) has cats, 4) has a very short profile description (if they're taking it seriously, they'll write more than 1 or 2 sentences)

And I'm skeptical of anyone who has photos such as - selfies in mirror, with or without clothes - photos of him flanked by scantily clad women - photos of his motorcycle/boat/car - photos where it is hard to figure out which one he is because there are so many people in it.

Would any of you that have used any of the big name brand dating services mind sharing a review of your experience with them? I have considered it, but have not pulled the trigger. I am interested in the rationale you employed in making you choices on a particular site and how it played out.

So like for JustMe385, you avoid casual/no committment profiles. Why is that? For example, I would be open to finding a marriageable person, so I'd consider profiles of users looking for marriage, but I'm kind of scared of encountering someone that NEEDS to get married at all costs. If I end up with just a new friend that's ok too. Or is casual/ no commitment a code word for one night hookups? Blech. So I need to avoid?

For me a MB perspective on do's and don'ts or specific results on specific site will probably help to avoid some pitfalls.

My bf was initially put off by my casual dating stance; he was looking for a relationship. But the fact I had come out of a very long relationship and had ticked yes for children made him consider me. I was looking for a husband but anticipated lots of casual dating first!

I was put off by his short profile too, but what was there was all good! You just have to keep an open mind.

I was on Match and found it dreadful. Very few messages and interactions no matter how hard I tried. I was on POF and discovered lots of the Match people were there too, because it's free. There were a lot of crazy people on POF but lots of good ones too. I met my bf on POF.

This is exactly the biggest trouble I'm having. It's like constant rejection. Yes, I am doing my fair share of rejecting as well, but this is making me wonder if something is wrong with me.

I'm currently on both Match and POF. I previously joined OKCupid (free), but that site for some reason just didn't have the kind of person I'm looking for. It seemed like mostly a hook-up place. I've also looked into eHarmony but that one seems like an awful lot of work.

Match, while it worked like a charm 4 years ago (Indie, I was like you at that time - just out of a bad marriage, looking for something fun, 3 weeks into it I met Mr. Wonderful and boom, 3 year relationship. Sadly for me, he did not want the same things I wanted out of life. Wish I would have admitted that to myself much sooner.) has been the least productive for me. It's odd because I thought that as a paid site, it would attract people who are serious about looking for a relationship. Maybe not.

POF does seem to have a better "selection" and people seem more responsive. Still, the constant rejection is really starting to get to me. I don't know if it's something in my profile or what - I know it's not that I'm not attractive. I wonder if I'm somehow giving off a weird "I'm jaded and skeptical" vibe.

Regarding staying away from men who say they want to casually date - I don't know, maybe I'm looking at it wrong. Maybe I shouldn't write them of because, like you said, they might feel saying they want a relationship is too much pressure right off the bat. Perhaps my approach has been wrong and I've been too close-minded about it. The "wants kids" might be a really good indicator of that.

No, sounds pretty normal! Remember it's just like going shopping. The aim is not for you to fit the dress, but for the dress to fit you.



My bf says the same thing - that it was quite lively five years ago. He got into a four year relationship off Match and bizarrely into the same problem as you. She didn't want the same things and kept him in a dragged-out engagement that wasn't going anywhere. I do wonder if it isn't in fact Match that has changed but his standards! He can spot a time waster at ten paces these days.



Have you read Buyers, Renters and Freelaoders? You sound like a potential buyer, someone who is looking for a lasting relationship. Even when I was claiming to be only seekign casual dates, really I was a potential buyer. I wanted to thoroughly search the market before making a purchase! Our goals were the same.

When someone is hoping to become a buyer, there will be something in their profile or ocnversation that gives it away. Freeloaders and renters practically have catchphrases that reveal who they are.


What I did for morale (and I know it was only two weeks but it really helped) was I came here and wrote up everything. RL as well as online stuff. I tried to write up every bad date, bad pick up line, bad message as humourously as possible. It helped keep me sane and made it fun. I like to think it made other daters feel less alone.

The vets here also have the best loser radars going, and I wanted their help. Though it works just as well if you report your dates weekly to some funny girlfriends.

I don't know if I can help but...
I met my fiancee online and it took some time weeding through the weirdos. I'm really shy and insecure so bars werent working for me. Here is a few i remember...I'm sure I went out with more people than these few.

#1: Completely lied about her appearance and job and was living with another family. It was strange...she was nice but ultimately not who I was looking for.

#2 was an alcoholic and a smoker who turned out to have herpes...thank God we didn't go that far.

3# turned out to be a drug dealer...I found this out when she asked me to go somewhere and she made a drop from my car.

#4..went out once...didn't want to go again and she stalked me online and kept messaging me for several months even when I told her I wasn't interested

#5 Didn't click...but were actually friends to this day.

#6. Met online, had a lot in common. Went on a date after emailing and messaging a couple of weeks..she was just beautiful physically and personality wise in person as online. Out of my league but still went out with me again. And 3 years later is my fiancee.

[quote=indiegirl]
I do wonder if it isn't in fact Match that has changed but his standards! He can spot a time waster at ten paces these days.

I think this has happened to me and one of the reasons this time around is so much different.

Have you read Buyers, Renters and Freelaoders?

Yes! I know that when/if I do meet someone worth getting to know, I'm going to introduce him to the MB ways. I so wish I had known them so many years ago.

Though it works just as well if you report your dates weekly to some funny girlfriends.

Yep, most of my friends are married and are loving the stories. Fun for them, not so much for me! LOL

Indie, thanks so much for taking the time to write and give advice. I'm happy for you that you've found one of the good ones I will keep coming here to this thread and posting my dating stories, but I think I need to be more carefree about it.

(*PS - I can't figure out how to quote certain sections/sentences in my replies, so I'm sorry that this looks weird.)

What a great story! Congratulations!

So you see it is not that there is 'something wrong with you'. Quite the opposite, your screening process is better, which is saving you a lot of time by stopping you from pursuing unsatisfying leads.



It's normal to dislike dating. Nobody likes rejection and rejecting, that's why people get married

Oh and the 'quoted' sections should have quote=username in front of the section and /quote after the quote is finished, but with the square brackets around both phrases [ ]. Sometimes the cursor placement knocks the last bit off.

Had a really weird experience the other day. Wanted to share it here.

I was talking with someone from Match via their email system for a few days. He seemed nice/normal, our conversation was good, he's a blue collar guy, has 2 dogs (I'm a dog person, and he rescued 2 which I liked), seemed down to earth. So it comes to the point where we want to schedule a time to meet in person and we exchange numbers. Text back and forth for a day (this was Friday), still going well. Had a hard time figuring out a good time to meet because my weekend was packed, including me playing volleyball this morning (Sunday) with a Meetup group. So he suggested breakfast before volleyball, and I suggest he come to the volleyball game and play- that way it's a low-pressure, social way to meet him. I end up calling him to explain to him what a Meetup is, and just the sound of his voice sent off my "something's off about him" radar. Not sure how to explain it - he just doesn't sound like he looks in his photos and how he sounds on text and email.

Anyway, I give him the address of the volleyball game. He replies that what he really wants is for a woman to make him lunch on days when he has to work a long day. I said "ok .... you should add that to your profile"

20 minutes later, I get a text. "R U ok?"
I said, "Yes ... why?"
He says "I'm here"
I say "What are you talking about"
He says "Baby"

At this point I'm thinking "WTF??" especially after the phone conversation didn't go as I had hoped. So I said, "Ok, this has gotten weird. I suddenly have a bad feeling about this so I'm not going to meet you Sunday. Can you please stop contacting me?"

Then he proceeds to send me 5-6 text messages along the lines of "Please give me another chance I promise I can be a gentleman, I'm so sorry, I don't even know what I did wrong, I really like you, please please please"

At one point, I said "That exchange was really odd and my instinct is telling me to end contact with you, and your reaction is telling me I'm right. This is my last response to you."

And then he texted me again 5-6 more times, more of the same.

Lesson - Do not exchange numbers until you meet in person and you have established that you want this person to have your number. It just takes one crazy person to ruin your experience. I almost didn't go to volleyball today because I was nervous that he knew I would be there. I ended up going but an hour late. He freaked me out so much that I actually called two friends and gave them all the information I had about him, just in case.

That is a bit weird. Sorry.you had to deal with that, but it is good experience for next time.

So far I've met two people and dismissed a third during the email interview. Here are a few things I picked up, perhaps they will help you (and Jedi.)

1. When messaging a girl, have a friendly greeting, pick out something in her profile that caught your eye, and introduce yourself. If you're the girl, look for evidence that the dude read your profile and that you have something in common. He should be nice and unobtrusive.

2. Talk over email for a while. I go as far as to ask questions about world view, preferences, etc. I ask a lot of questions, and I'm also clear with what I'm looking for. Before we even swap phone numbers, I'm starting to formulate what her top emotional needs are, and I'm thinking about how to best meet those, and if there are any challenges. I'm also looking for some emotional connection that is deep enough that email makes it difficult to talk. It' like hitting that one topic that gets both of you thinking and talking, so email just isn't working.

3. At this pointing go meet for coffee. Tell them that you have some other appt in 30mins, so keep it short. If you really like them then give them your number while getting coffee if they ask to keep in touch.

The point is comfort and respect.

It's happened to me. Seems like a great conversation online, but direct contact with them shows up that they are plain weird.

I swapped numbers at the 'want to meet' point. Two men got my number. One texted me with satisfying, appropriate, jokey exchanges. Every day, without being OTT. It made the first date less nerve wracking as he felt like less of a stranger. I'm still dating him.

The other guy who got my number sounds just like your guy. The initial online messages were great but when we moved on to texts he was so odd, and sent such nonsensical messages that I reconsidered and never wasted my time meeting him.

I think this was a valuable result of exchanging numbers. Rather than wasting an hour on a date and having to flee, he was assessed pre-date, saving time. I just brushed him off via text message.

One thing you can do is get a special date phone. A disposable thing you can just throw away. I would have found it inconvenient to have an extra phone, though.
You can also block people from calling you using special apps.

A big mistake was revealing where you play volleyball. Never let a stranger know your address, your routine, your workplace, your hangouts or any details of how to find you.

Always meet in public, preferably in a busy place. Preferably in the daytime.

Don't walk off to a second location with him through any dark streets. Think about how you will get back to your car/call a cab after the meetup.

Let a friend know where you are going and arrange to call/text them when you get back home. Have a buddy vet your dates profiles before you go. They can give their input and they will know the profile of the guy you are out with in case anything happens.

Please take these tips seriously. I work closely with the police and you wouldn't believe how many women get raped on first dates. The police often believe these women, but its difficult to proove.

Dating is risky. Giving a guy your number in a bar is risky. Telling any man your address and inviting him in is risky. Women have been raped by men in their homes by men they have known their whole lives.

But abide by some rules and you will minimise the risks.

Wow that's just terrible. I did try to meet the folks early on if there was a spark, because I don't want to get too invested, like a half an hour correspondence a day, if there's nothing there. That weeded out the folks who just wanted online companionship but not go out much. There were a few that said they would meet but if I picked them up, or met in their neighborhood, or paid for the meal, and for me they needed to be weeded out, too. Because I think they must have been just messing with me to say stuff like that.

Believe it or not, some guys expect that NED. It's sad.