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Thank you BrainHurts. I'm listening now.
Interesting that the wife separated because the husband was pounding objects. He'd never hit her. And Dr. Harley totally supported her leaving for this reason. Pounding objects can very quickly turn into pounding you.
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Here's another good clip on anger. Dr. Harley talks some about his own anger that he had to overcome. Radio clip on anger and Dr. Harley talks about his anger he's had to overcome
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Early on, I came to recognize that angry outbursts are probably the most damaging thing a spouse can do in marriage. I say this in spite of my recognition that infidelity is also a very damaging behavior. But I'm often more optimistic about the recovery of a marriage that has suffered from infidelity than than recovery of a marriage that suffers from angry outbursts. The primary reason that angry outbursts just about eliminate the hope of marital happiness is that even if they are very infrequent, they prevent a couple from solving their problems because the threat always hangs over every conversation. The first guideline for marital negotiation is to make the discussion pleasant and safe, and an angry spouse fails that very first condition, making the rest of it impossible to implement. Angry spouses simply create an environment that makes it impossible to make marital adjustments. That's why I advise couples with multiple problems that include anger to overcome the anger first, and then focus on the rest of the problems later.
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Early on, I came to recognize that angry outbursts are probably the most damaging thing a spouse can do in marriage. I say this in spite of my recognition that infidelity is also a very damaging behavior. But I'm often more optimistic about the recovery of a marriage that has suffered from infidelity than than recovery of a marriage that suffers from angry outbursts. The primary reason that angry outbursts just about eliminate the hope of marital happiness is that even if they are very infrequent, they prevent a couple from solving their problems because the threat always hangs over every conversation. The first guideline for marital negotiation is to make the discussion pleasant and safe, and an angry spouse fails that very first condition, making the rest of it impossible to implement. Angry spouses simply create an environment that makes it impossible to make marital adjustments. That's why I advise couples with multiple problems that include anger to overcome the anger first, and then focus on the rest of the problems later. Thanks for this quote, Prisca. This is so true, and I'm surprised how long it's taken me to "get" it.  Is this from an article? Or a transcript from a radio program? I'd love to read more about this if possible.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Z, it is an excerpt from a post on the private forum: Dr. Harley on anger (private forum thread)
Last edited by Prisca; 08/03/12 04:36 PM.
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This thread is so helpful! Thank you for putting it together Prisca! I'm going to read it all again.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Thank you so much, Prisca, for all this information.
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It is very hard to hear from someone who supposedly loves you and was given chances to redeem himself the following: "you're crazy, that is bizarre what you are saying about that, that never happened that way or it never happened at all, why are you here? and things along that same vein. The last question is the most hurtful because he knows why I came back, to give us another chance. But if one person in a marriage will not change and cannot fathom why he lies, then what to do with that? You cannot sweep the past under the proverbial rug as he would like to do. The rug keeps tripping us and we get into the issues that we never solved. Why he cheated, why he lied about it, why he had an emotional for sure and probable physical affair last summer when we were physically separated and getting divorce mediation and he was sooo darn upset and did not want a divorce. Now denying the relationship was nothing and a blip. A blip he lied about and let me come back home and reunite with him without me knowing the full extent of the relationship with this OW. In our still home.It disgusts me thinking about it. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it.Him denying it was what it was a something, not a nothing, just makes it linger in my mind.He read a piece of Love busters, and went on the JUne 13th radio show with me, and said he would work the program. He uses the Dr. Harley buzzwords like not bring up things of the past, and we must deposit love bank deposits...well Dr. Harley also said to not be disrespectful, and he is being just that by insulting me. I feel he does not have my back and in a marriage you must have one another's backs. I am exhausted. I do not want to move out again. best, Nell
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Nell, hon, don't expect him to make sense, you're only going to make yourself angry too in the process. Have you read the rest of this thread recently? Do you have an exit plan ready?
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It is very hard to hear from someone who supposedly loves you and was given chances to redeem himself the following: "you're crazy, that is bizarre what you are saying about that, that never happened that way or it never happened at all, why are you here? and things along that same vein. The last question is the most hurtful because he knows why I came back, to give us another chance. But if one person in a marriage will not change and cannot fathom why he lies, then what to do with that? You cannot sweep the past under the proverbial rug as he would like to do. The rug keeps tripping us and we get into the issues that we never solved. Why he cheated, why he lied about it, why he had an emotional for sure and probable physical affair last summer when we were physically separated and getting divorce mediation and he was sooo darn upset and did not want a divorce. Now denying the relationship was nothing and a blip. A blip he lied about and let me come back home and reunite with him without me knowing the full extent of the relationship with this OW. In our still home.It disgusts me thinking about it. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it.Him denying it was what it was a something, not a nothing, just makes it linger in my mind.He read a piece of Love busters, and went on the JUne 13th radio show with me, and said he would work the program. He uses the Dr. Harley buzzwords like not bring up things of the past, and we must deposit love bank deposits...well Dr. Harley also said to not be disrespectful, and he is being just that by insulting me. I feel he does not have my back and in a marriage you must have one another's backs. I am exhausted. I do not want to move out again. best, Nell Nell, I'm bumping this to ask you: did you demand that he sit for a polygraph to prove the truth of what he has told you about his affair? Dr. Harley does say that issues in the past should not be brought up - AFTER THEY HAVE BEEN ADDRESSED AND ACCEPTED BY BOTH OF YOU. If you still have questions you haven't gotten past that point. AFTER he has answered your questions to YOUR satisfaction, you need to stop bringing up the affair. That topic offically becomes The Enemy to Good Conversation between the two of you. It sounds like this hasn't happened.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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