There are two people who are so passionate about their faith and it is so opposite. How does a couple make it work when they both believe their destiny is so tied to their faith? I'm a Christian. My husband is Jewish and he's demanded our family live a Torah observant lifestyle. I've tried to please and complied for many years. Did my best and even converted. Now that I'm older and have a voice, I told him I can't do it his way only, anymore. He is set on convincing me with the Bible and wants to get my beliefs lined up with his so we can "fulfill our calling". This has gone on for many years and has reached a warning level. Any ideas? And Yes, I have read the Faith Conflicts Articles by Dr. H.

Have you tried the suggestions Dr. Harley gives? Can you both abide by the POJA - refrain from religious practices that would be offensive to the other?

What is your husband's plan if he can't convince you?

I don't know if I can. I'm in the withdrawal stage. He's an attorney deluxe and he wins!

Has your husband read the articles, and how does he feel about the plan in them?

Specifically, this would be the main article for your situation:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5040a_qa.html

I think you guys can make this work if you agree not to demand religious participation from the other. But if he or you is going to demand it regardless, then your marriage has a very serious problem.

If he can't convince me, not sure what his plan will be.

How many years have you been married? Any kids?

He's not read the articles. He's neglected/mistreated me for 15 years and this last year, things he said to me put it over the top and I suggested a separation. He cried for several months everyday. I became robotic and emotionless. He changed some things (controlling anger, not ignoring me,considering me etc.) but the bottom line for me is that I feel like I live with the Jewish police. I can't take it. But yet he thinks our beliefs are so important because of the calling God has for us in the future and we must do it his way. I don't know if I can do the steps because my heart is so hurt(I'm in counseling for this). I'm trying but don't have any more feeling or attraction to him because I basically have 15 years of memories of it being terrible. I'm trying to forget the past but the bottom line issues of religion are still not fixed.

I think the basic problem is this: "He's neglected/mistreated me for 15 years." If this problem was solved, the two of you could learn to live with religious differences.

Your husband is being disrespectful about religion when he uses phrases like "our calling" which suggest that his viewpoint on the subject is the correct one. I suspect he's probably disrespectful and controlling about a host of other things as well, given that you mention he has had to learn to control his anger.

Dr. Harley classifies the three behaviors of Demands, Disrespect, and Angry Outburst as abuse and control. Learning to live without these behaviors is difficult for a lot of us (we can't imagine how to get what we want and need in life and marriage without them), but it is absolutely necessary that they be eliminated in order to have a happy marriage. Dr. Harley's book Love Busters covers these in detail. I encourage you to take a look at that book and also at his articles on this site about abuse and control.

As far as neglect, Dr. Harley's program prescribes that couples spend fifteen hours a week together giving each other their undivided attention and meeting each other's intimate emotional needs (such as conversation and affection). If your husband could eliminate his abusive and controlling behaviors, and the two of you could start spending this time together in this way each week, your marital happiness could be restored - even enough to compensate for your unhappy memories of the past.

Your best bet is to sell your husband on using this program, Marriage Builders (the material on this website and in the books). If he is unwilling to do that, there is probably not a lot of hope for resolving this issue or for your marriage.

What you need is more than a solution to this religious conflict - you need your husband to take a whole new approach to marriage. Under that new approach, your husband would not be demanding, disrespectful, or angry toward you in his efforts to get you to adopt his religious beliefs and practices. If you were unwilling to follow his religion, he would not pressure you, but would still concentrate on the two of you building the happiest life possible together: that would mean spending time together meeting each other's emotional needs, and finding activities and goals in life that you do share and can focus on together. He and you can still have a happy marriage even if you do not choose to follow Judaism. But he will have to drop the pressure tactics of demands, disrespect, and anger.

Dr. Harley usually recommends that couples practice negotiating on easier, non-emotional issues first, before tackling more complex and emotional subjects of disagreement like religion.

I know he's trying. After I asked for the separation, he started controlling the anger and doing things for me and being very affectionate. He said I need a separation from his old self not the new man he is becoming. I asked he give me time to heal from the hurt but instead he demands affection and says he's giving and giving (for 3 months now) and that it's not right that I'm not returning that love automatically like the Bible says. I try to explain that I don't feel safe or trust him to open up and be affectionate at this point yet. Then he'll say the bible says to love no matter what. !! It's like I can't win. I cry almost everyday b/c I don't know what to do. And I do love him and forgive him but I don't enjoy being around him. He's very controlling. How else do I explain I cannot reciprocate the affection at this point in time because I'm still healing from the mistreatment and still so bothered by the religiosity?

If your husband wants you to be in love with him, he needs to try an entirely different approach. Demanding love from you will not make you magically fall in love with him. Wll he come here and speak to us?

We can show you both how to fall in love in an effective, strategic manner. As it is, your husband is playing pool with a blindfold on and is frustrated at his lack of results. We can show him how to get those results. Work smart, instead of hard.

Your starting place should be the book Lvebusters, the Marital Problem Analysis worksheet and the Lovebuster questionnaire. You can download those worksheets free from this website.

That is an interesting idea, but I don't think the Bible actually says that, in either the Jewish or Christian versions.

I would suggest making a deal with him that if he follows this program and eliminates his love busters and meets your emotional needs, that you will also meet his emotional needs. You can work the program together - along the way if there's any love busters he sees on your part, you will agree to end them, provided he does as well.

For many marriages, Dr. Harley has basically told men that they have a choice: they can fight (demand, disrespect, and anger), or they can have sex. I know which one I would choose!

The way your husband is using the Bible in his conversations with you is terribly disrespectful toward you. He needs to not talk to you as if he is the Bible expert and you need to be lectured about doing what the Bible says. Neither one of you is God, neither one of you is infallible in Bible interpretation, both of you are capable of reading and understanding the Bible for yourselves.

Dr. Harley is a Bible believer and he does not advocate forgiveness for this kind of thing. Instead he advocates just compensation - making it up to you by ending the abuse and building a new happy life together.

Let your husband know that you will be happy to learn to meet his emotional needs if he will follow this program to eliminate his abusive controlling behavior. That is a great deal for him! He'll get a happy marriage and will receive the love he needs!

The religiosity needs to be expressed in ways that are not disrespectful to you. He should not try to impose a calling on you or use language that suggests that he is the teacher and you are the learner. That kind of disrespect will kill any marriage - and will kill any man or woman's interest in loving, affectionate behavior.

OK. Will look at those things. Thank you for your time.

You can tell him also that the concept of unconditional love is NOT in the Bible. That approach to marriage leads to neglect and abuse and will not EVER get him what he really wants: a wife who is romantically in love with him. If he wants that he needs to try a different approach.

Welcome to mb. There is no excuse for abuse. It must be addressed. Anger is a choice. Its an emotional reaction that we can learn to control.

If your husband would throw bible verses at you there is just as many to throw back at him. Now that's not the right approach because its obviously not working with either of you. ***EDIT*** He begins this process by controlling his anger. If he can't get a grip on his anxiety/anger 100% then he becomes unsafe for you .. Which it seems your experiencing.

Its hard to fill a lovebank when its full of holes and constantly draining. Plug the holes first and then your efforts to fill lovebanks become easier and less draining.

MNG

Quoted for truth!

There is always conditions for love... I think I heard Dr.harley relay this message a few weeks ago on the radio. Explained it with undeniable truth.

Yes, I said all that to him but he's under the impression that he gets to decide our families faith and how we will worship because of Genesis 3:16...which basically says that a woman's desire shall be for her husband and he shall rule over her. I told him his interpretation is wrong and he is being very disrespectful to me for using that to control me. Then he said, "God said it. Not me." Ouch! I told him I didn't think this was going to work out because I want a partnership not a dictatorship. Then he gets scared and starts acting all nice and saying he's working on changing. ??? I know MB says to stop focusing on religion and work on us but religion is at the crux of our relationship. We are both very passionate about our beliefs so how do we throw that out the window and just focus on our relationship?