Recently I discovered my wife texting a lot while we were watching tv. When I asked her about it, she said it was just a friend.

Being suspicious, I checked our phone records and found that she had been up all night texting the same cell phone number. When I confronted her about this, she said that he was a friend from high school that she had recently saw at her class reunion, but they were just friend.

Later that night, she opened up to me and told that for several years she had felt no love for me and that my negativity and anger had really bothered her but since we had been married for 20 years, she didn't want to throw it away and wanted to go to marriage counseling.

It has been 2 1/2 weeks and we've been to counseling 4 times, twice as a couple and twice individually. I've also spent that time reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Lovebusters" and have begun to make the transformation into a more positive and caring person.

I still love her very much and want our marriage to work, but am worried that she continues to drift farther away. She keeps telling she needs space, but I'm worried I'm losing her.

First of all. Welcome to marriage builders. Secondly your wife is having an affair and the only reason she says the things she does is because she has a new point of comparison. Please click notify and have this thread moved to surviving an affair so you can get the help you need.

MNG

I would very quietly slip some spyware on her phone and a keylogger on her computer [if she uses one]. Get the goods and come back here. We will give you next steps. I am sorry, but she is having an affair. We can help you save your marriage if you will do as I say. Don't ASK her if she is having an affair. Don't even let on that you suspect it. Just get the evidence and come back here.

Sorry you are here but welcome.

Your W is doing is what almost all wayward spouses do when they are in an affair - asking for space, giving you the ILYBINILWY (not in love with you) speech, etc. At least you know who the OM is and have his phone #, that's a good first step.

You should put HNHN to the side for now and quietly order Surviving an Affair. As you can see, your efforts to make LB$ deposits won't get you very far while she is still carrying on this affair.

Do not confront your W about this just yet -- ask to have this moved to SAA so that posters can help you with the next steps.

The unfortunate thing is that the marriage counsel is encouraging the "give her space".

I also get the feeling that the marriage counsel is passing judgement on me and siding with my wife (my angry outbursts over the years has really withdrawn alot of live units)

Thank you for telling me what I probably already knew just didn't want to admit.

I am going to do everything possible to keep this marriage alive, I just need to find someway to get my wife more engaged with repairing our marriage

Does the marriage counselor want you to "give her space" because she feels you are dangerous to her? Are your angry outbursts putting your wife in danger?

That is the only legitimate reason to "give her space." Otherwise, you would be facilitating her affair by "giving her space" and that would be a very destructive thing to do.

Most marriage counselors are destructive to marriage when there is an affair so I would caution you about taking her advice.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to first get the evidence of the affair and then expose it. Please read the thread that is linked in my signature.

your wife will have no interest in your marriage and until her affair has ended; so it is very important that you immediately get evidence of this affair and then expose it to her affair partners family your family and close friends

Perhaps that's the reason for the give her space approach from the counselor. She did ask use a couple of times in the last session if we had considered separating (which we had not as of yet).

My angry outbursts have been less over the past few years, my negativity has been a bigger issue. Since I've been introduce to Marriage Builders, I seen the damage this behavior has caused and have begun changing and she has noticed the change

I hope you are keeping in mind that any angry outbursts during this time is only going to make things worse.

Marriage counselors really don't know what they are doing when an affair is concerned.

Steve Harley (Dr. Harley's son) told me (no affair involved at the time) that every time my wife and I had a problem, my disrespect and angry outbursts changed the situation and covered up the problem - my love busters would become the only problem my wife would be willing to deal with, and my complaint would be lost. He was right.

Do not use angry outbursts as a tool to fix this horrible situation, or your wife will never be willing to deal with the real problem - her affair.

Can you make them NONE (not just less) immediately?

Probably not since most marriage counselors don't really understand the dynamics of a situation where one spouse is having an affair.

I would NOT give her space, and I would NOT have any more angry outbursts, and I would not see this marriage counselor again since it's useless with an affair going on.

MelodyLane asked a question: are your angry outbursts putting your wife in danger?

No, I don't feel that my angry outburst endanger my wife.

Let me restate my comment about my angry outbursts diminishing over the past few years. Since I began reading the marriage builder books, I have learn to eliminate angry outburst as well as selfish demand and disrespectful judgements, but I know that I have to continue on this path to make it a habit.

I have been more open and honest, caring and have focus on listening to her. I have begun giving her a hug every morning and evening while telling her "I Love You" and send her a love quote every morning via text (my wife loves affection).

I actually discussed with her Wednesday night that I knew she was still in contact with this gentlemen, explained to her how I felt (hurt and disappointed) and did not pass judgement on her behavior.

This discussion spawned a 30 minute talk at 4:30 Thursday morning and I feel actually opened up our lines of communications.

I will continue to follow what I have learned from Marriage Builders, please pray for us.

Tmnh, I'm glad you are addressing your AO (anger outburst).

However, you CAN pass judgement on her behaviour. Your AO history does not mean you have to roll over and "not judge" her for an affair! Remember, this is about controlling your own issues BUT standing up for what's right and not accepting her abuse either.

You can, without anger, let her know that her behaviour is wrong, and then continue with the methods in Surviving an Affair which is a nuclear exposure to show her that you mean business - WITHOUT the AO.

I'm not saying that I'm not passing judgement, I'm just not doing it disrespectfully.

When we talked Tuesday night, I was open and honest with her without getting angry (I have to admit it felt great) and plan to continue to do so.

Most people have commented that I should "get the evidence". How much do I need before I can sit down and discuss it with her?

What snooping do you have in place and what evidence do you have?

This is all good -- in addition to this, you must fight the affair. As others are saying, gather your evidence, and prepare to expose the affair.

Do you have the Marriage Builders book on this? (Surviving an Affair)

Do not separate, then.

Do you feel you can get through all of this without having a single angry outburst?

I have the text activity records from our cell phone provider , I have checked her web history and I am in the process of applying web tracking software to our P.C. at home.

I do not have any actual messages.

Absolutely.

I think she is quite surprise that I have changed so quickly

We discussed it during our last counseling session and of course she is suspect, i.e. how can someone change that quickly in 2 weeks.

I explained that only my continued actions will show her that I have changed.

I truly do love her deeply but am concern that my love bank will be overdrawn if I can not get my emotional needs met.

No I don't have the book, but have been studying the information on the web site and have a good understanding of what needs to take place.

I still struggling with what type of evidence to gather, it difficult securing actual messages, etc.

As you can imagine, she doesn't leave her cell phone laying around and has changed her Facebook and Email passwords.