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My wife was furious when I told her mother, I can't imagine what she will do if I tell our childre.
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My wife was furious when I told her mother, I can't imagine what she will do if I tell our childre. Exposure helps tremendously in breaking up the fog that comes with an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping her secret for her only fuels her fantasy about the affair. Telling your children and your family will help break up that fog and help your wife see her affair in a more realistic light. Our goal is to facilitate the best chance of recovery in your marriage, not to avoid her anger at all cost. A falling down drunk is angry when you take the car keys away from him, but do you avoid doing the right thing in order to avoid his anger? Of course not. Anger about exposure is a sign of the fog. Once her fog wears off she won't be angry about it, so don't let that stop you from taking necessary steps to recover your marriage. Many betrayed spouses are afraid that exposure will drive the unfaithful spouse further away. While it's true that unfaithful spouses usually feel betrayed and angry when their affair is exposed, I regard that reaction as being part of the fog that most addicts experience. When the fog has finally lifted, and the source of addiction no longer has control, the value of exposure is usually conceded by the addict himself. "The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is." "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My wife was furious when I told her mother, I can't imagine what she will do if I tell our childre. Just ask yourself WHY she would be furious? It is because she was embarrassed. She should be embarrassed. Being embarrassed about being bad is a good thing, not a bad thing. It motivates your wife to avoid doing such things in the future. Exposure is a very positive, therapeutic move for everyone. There is NO downside to exposure. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable. And the more people to SUPPORT YOU and your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If you don't explain to the children,they will believe THEY are the cause of the tension in your home.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Thank you for all of your input. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with. It is so hard to try and meet her needs when I still get mental images of the two of them together.
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Thank you for all of your input. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with. It is so hard to try and meet her needs when I still get mental images of the two of them together. We understand completely, my friend. Let me assure you that if you follow this program, those images will fade. If you replace your old marriage with a romantic, happy marriage, your mind won't be wandering to the past. You just have to walk through fire to GET THERE. If you will do these things we advise, you will have the very best chance of getting through this and ending up with a great marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I sure hope so. We have a date tonight, my plan is to not bring any of our issues up tonight and just try to enjoy my wife's company.
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I sure hope so. We have a date tonight, my plan is to not bring any of our issues up tonight and just try to enjoy my wife's company. That is a great idea. Once you know all the facts of the affair, it should never be brought up again to her. But you do need to tell your children and your close family. She will be angry at first, but you will see her pull out of withdrawal FASTER once everyone knows. Exposure kills fantasies.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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One of the main things you're up against is competing with the impossible romantic fantasy of a secret affair.
But once it stops being a romantic secret - it starts to look pretty disgusting.
That's why exposure helps the wayward see things as they really are.
Her OM wasn't a passionate romantic relationship, he's an embarrassing shameful secret.
When you told her mother, you ruined part of her little fantasy.
Which is exactly what you are trying to do.
Not only will her children knowing put paid to incorrect romantic reminiscences (helping HER) your children will stop being confused about what is truly happening (helping them).
The kind of thing people tell mistakenly tell children in these situations would baffle anybody.
Many adults say things like 'we're not getting along' - but the children are still expeceted to get along! Or the adults say things that are clearly not true and children learn that lying is OK.
My 10yr old cousin actually spotted my husbands affair before I did. She saw them holding hands and told her mother that it was 'not right'. Children understand affairs much better than adults in a way because they see things so clearly.
Your children will still love their mother and will greatly appreciate hers and your efforts in correcting things. And what a great example to them for their own marriages later on.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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When will you be telling your children?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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What do I tell them? That mommy had a friend? When mom's and dad's get married they do not have BF/GF. Well mom had a BF and she went on dates with the BF (insert OM's name). What mom did is known as having an affair.
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Just telling the OMW and your WW's mom is not exposing the affair. The affair must be exposed to WW dad, and her siblings and your kids as a minimum.
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Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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So you BOTH tell them. It would be even so much better if she told the kids that she had an inappropriate relationship with another man and apologized to both them and you for her selfish, hurtful behavior. She doesn't have to go into details. She just has to own up to the fact that she put another man before their father and that she has ended that relationship and is remorseful for the hurt and peril she has created by her actions. You really believe the kids should be told at such a young age? My wife will be very upset if I do this
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So you BOTH tell them.
It would be even so much better if she told the kids that she had an inappropriate relationship with another man and apologized to both them and you for her selfish, hurtful behavior.
She doesn't have to go into details. She just has to own up to the fact that she put another man before their father and that she has ended that relationship and is remorseful for the hurt and peril she has created by her actions. Just so you know, Dr Harley doesn't recommend that the wayward spouse be there during exposure. It causes needless tension and often leads to fights. Exposure should be done by the BS, not the WS.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also, exposure is not something that falls under POJA. It's done because it is right.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I told her brother and her best friend last night. Her brother already knew, because her mother contacted him about it. I am still struggling with the notion of telling our children. I also decided to ask if she was having sex with me because she wanted me or out of a sense of duty. She said she would prefer not to have sex, but she knows it is one of my needs. I told her that when she has sex with me in that fashion it is not meeting my need, and we should wait until the passion and desire come back. Again a very painful thing knowing she desired someone other than me and no desire for her husband. Looking back over the last year, we had sex less than once a month and I knew something was seriously wrong. So it was very hard for me to agree to returning to no sex, but I am trusting that when we fix our love bank the sex will return. I miss being close to my wife.
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I told her brother and her best friend last night. Her brother already knew, because her mother contacted him about it. I am still struggling with the notion of telling our children. I also decided to ask if she was having sex with me because she wanted me or out of a sense of duty. She said she would prefer not to have sex, but she knows it is one of my needs. I told her that when she has sex with me in that fashion it is not meeting my need, and we should wait until the passion and desire come back. Again a very painful thing knowing she desired someone other than me and no desire for her husband. Looking back over the last year, we had sex less than once a month and I knew something was seriously wrong. So it was very hard for me to agree to returning to no sex, but I am trusting that when we fix our love bank the sex will return. I miss being close to my wife. SE13 Your WW desired OM because she was in Love with OM. Your job after the A is killed is to make enough LB$ for her to breach the romantic love threshold for you. We don't have to tell you this is the most painful experience you will ever endure. But if you follow Dr. Harley's plan as he lays it out in SAA your M can recover. Follow the good advice given here and see how well MB can make your M. Once you remove the conditions that led to your WW's A and have implemented EP then work the program all in. There is hope and it's here with MB! Fight for your M my friend!
Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
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told her brother and her best friend last night. Was your wife angry about this? And I want you to know that we ALL struggled with telling our children, but is it the right thing to do. Your wife might be upset at first, but she will eventually see the value. It is the best thing for ALL of you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She was angry, she shut down and wouldn't talk to me the rest of the night. She made a comment about why don't you just tell everyone that will make you feel better and asked me repeatedly who I needed to tell to feel better? I can honestly say telling anyone about her affair does NOT make me feel better. The only times I feel better is when I feel she is being honest and open with me. I don't know why I asked her this, but I had to know if she still thinks of the OM and again she got angry and said I already told you NO I don't think of him unless you bring him up. Why would she hide that she is human and does still think about him sometimes? It makes me feel like there is more to hide.
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