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Originally Posted by Ernie78
Originally Posted by markos
Can you get your wife to come back and post?

I am sure she'll be along......

Email her and suggest she come post here. We can help you guys.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by markos
Email her and suggest she come post here. We can help you guys.

I just started reading the thread she started... http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2673758

There is a lot of what she has said that simply isn't true.

I am not sure how to approach her about that.

Some of the things she said were true years ago (bank account info back in 2010) but the only money that goes into my personal account (a few hundred) pays my credit card and student loan - the other $1200 per paycheck goes into our joint account. She pays the power bill and no other expenses. She has not put any child support money into our joint account, ever.

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Erie,

We're not here to make friends. We all have careers and families and other things that take up our time. So when we post on here, we are straight and to the poin. When you started posting, you responded with big, bolded letters which is the same as yelling. And you deflected issues onto how you were being essentially picked on. So the question is do you want help or not. If you simply want to rant, start a blog.

The two of you need to both read love busters and do the work sheets.
I would strongly urge both of you to merge all your money into a joint accout.


Have your calmly spoken to your wife when the daughter says something to you when she says something to you?


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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Originally Posted by Ernie78
Originally Posted by markos
Email her and suggest she come post here. We can help you guys.

I just started reading the thread she started... http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2673758

There is a lot of what she has said that simply isn't true.

I am not sure how to approach her about that.

Some of the things she said were true years ago (bank account info back in 2010) but the only money that goes into my personal account (a few hundred) pays my credit card and student loan - the other $1200 per paycheck goes into our joint account. She pays the power bill and no other expenses. She has not put any child support money into our joint account, ever.

Don't worry about sorting out all the old stuff. The first thing you need to learn to do is stop fighting with your wife - stop the demands, disrespect, and anger.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
Ernie, We're not here to make friends. So the question is do you want help or not.

Yes - I do. I have been looking at anger management counselors in the area on the web for the last 10-15 minutes

Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
The two of you need to both read love busters and do the work sheets. I would strongly urge both of you to merge all your money into a joint account.

Yes, we have done some of the work sheets, but since we have been getting along so well these last few months we have not been doing them. Money has always been a sore subject since we got into a lot of debt early in our marriage (wedding itself, moving, buying a house, fixing the house, etc.)

Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
Have your calmly spoken to your wife when the daughter says something to you when she says something to you?

Yes - many times, but only in the last 3-4 months (maybe 2-3? not sure) or so since I have been trying to change to work things out this way. I don't often feel like the results are heading in a good direction, though. I would love to see some improvement as it would make life at home so much better.

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Okay, I see you are moving in the right direction if you are looking into anger management.

Here's some information from Dr. Harley that should help you as far as evaluating the anger management offerings you see: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2603602#Post2603602


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Ernie78
Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
Ernie, We're not here to make friends. So the question is do you want help or not.

Yes - I do. I have been looking at anger management counselors in the area on the web for the last 10-15 minutes

Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
The two of you need to both read love busters and do the work sheets. I would strongly urge both of you to merge all your money into a joint account.

Yes, we have done some of the work sheets, but since we have been getting along so well these last few months we have not been doing them. Money has always been a sore subject since we got into a lot of debt early in our marriage (wedding itself, moving, buying a house, fixing the house, etc.)

Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
Have your calmly spoken to your wife when the daughter says something to you when she says something to you?

Yes - many times, but only in the last 3-4 months (maybe 2-3? not sure) or so since I have been trying to change to work things out this way. I don't often feel like the results are heading in a good direction, though. I would love to see some improvement as it would make life at home so much better.

A big part of the problem is that you are addressing the conflicts disrespectfully. Any time one of you expresses a perspective that the other "should" do something, or that it is his or her "job" to do something, you are being disrespectful.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by markos
A big part of the problem is that you are addressing the conflicts disrespectfully. Any time one of you expresses a perspective that the other "should" do something, or that it is his or her "job" to do something, you are being disrespectful.

I understand this is a learning process. I'll do my best, but don't be surprised if I make a mistake or two while learning.

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We're not surprised at all when you make a mistake. We all have. The question is, what are you going to do about it?


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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted by Ernie78
Originally Posted by markos
A big part of the problem is that you are addressing the conflicts disrespectfully. Any time one of you expresses a perspective that the other "should" do something, or that it is his or her "job" to do something, you are being disrespectful.

I understand this is a learning process. I'll do my best, but don't be surprised if I make a mistake or two while learning.

Oh, I won't be. I made mistakes for quite a long time after coming here.

Again, the person you need to impress is not us - it's your wife! You need to ELIMINATE demands, disrespect, and anger. You need to know about anything you say that she finds disrespectful.

There are a lot of things in your top post on this thread that are disrespectful towards your wife. Would you like us to point those out so you can learn to start recognizing them and not talk that way? Often an upset wife won't feel like pointing these out for her husband.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Again, I just want to express a heartfelt thanks for your help. That IS the ONLY reason why anyone bothers to post, correct?

There are many places I could have gone, but I chose to come HERE. That should say a lot about the people on the MB forums.

It should also say a lot about how Dr. Harley feels about this forum, as he wouldn't sanction these message boards if he weren't in support.

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Originally Posted by Ernie78
Originally Posted by markos
A big part of the problem is that you are addressing the conflicts disrespectfully. Any time one of you expresses a perspective that the other "should" do something, or that it is his or her "job" to do something, you are being disrespectful.

I understand this is a learning process. I'll do my best, but don't be surprised if I make a mistake or two while learning.

You need to learn to not talk like your wife "should" do something or it's "her job" to do something.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Prisca
We're not surprised at all when you make a mistake. We all have. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

For the immediate time being, I need for my head to stop swimming!! Not sure if I should head home or not after work - but I don't have any other place to go (literally). My mother in law is visiting for the week, and she is a wonderful, Godly saint of a woman. I might call or text her first and let her know before I head that way. Elaina77 and I have also been in contact with some folks from church and lifegroup, so I think we will be in good hands with some help from them as well.

I want to discuss the different AM options with Elaina since I know she wants to have a say in that decision. I have "5 steps to Romantic Love" workbook and am wondering if I should make any copies out of it?

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Originally Posted by markos
You need to learn to not talk like your wife "should" do something or it's "her job" to do something.

I will focus on that.

What is the proper response when she says the same things to me?

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Originally Posted by Ernie78
Originally Posted by markos
You need to learn to not talk like your wife "should" do something or it's "her job" to do something.

I will focus on that.

What is the proper response when she says the same things to me?

You make a request. "Honey I would appreciate if..." or "I would appreciate it if you wouldn't...."


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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Originally Posted by Ernie78
Originally Posted by markos
You need to learn to not talk like your wife "should" do something or it's "her job" to do something.

I will focus on that.

What is the proper response when she says the same things to me?

Use the weekly worksheets as described in Love Busters. Then she doesn't see your complaint until a few days later, when she has calmed down.

Most of us when we get here aren't capable of letting each other know about demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts "on the fly" - it just results in a fight! Hence the worksheets.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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So stop sacrificing.

It's not part of the program.

If SD is not behaving well, remove yourself from the scene. Don't get angry, get gone.

You don't have to put up with the child's behavior.

You do have to end your angry outbursts.

End the angry outbursts and refuse to put up with unacceptable behavior from the child. If your wife asks why you walk away, explain that you do not enjoy SD's behavior and will remove yourself from the situation.

No one is suggesting that you sacrifice and suffer. You are asked to end your angry outbursts and spend UA time with your wife.

You both are destroying your marriage. But you pointing out her faults isn't going to fix the marriage or help you address your part in this destructive dance.

Originally Posted by Ernie78
Originally Posted by Prisca
Are you willing to invest the time that markos has suggested?
Are you willing to do what it will take to save your marriage?

yes........my emotions have shifted down one gear. I am a little more rational now.... I just can't believe that way I was being treated for a bit, there.

I know it is going to be tough.... I know it always is.

OK - {rant on} I *feel* like I am always being told I am the one who has to make all the sacrifices in our marriage to make it better (I feel used up and spent as it is already). I *feel* like no one ever wants to hear my side, and I also *feel* like my feelings and emotions should not matter to anyone...like they don't count.... and I feel that a lot from my wife.{rant off}

sorry all about the venting I am doing :-(

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Things are on a good path. Have been intensely studying and reading about angry husbands and angry outbursts/anger management. There is a lot of really good info out there on the web... I am kind of shocked I was in denial for so long.

The Dr. Harley "radio links" aren't work in MelodyLane's thread, so I haven't listened to them (out of date?). I'll have to learn a little more about trying to find them in the archives, but by doing a search for "anger" and "angry" I have learned tons.

I volunteered myself to leave without DW asking me to do so. It was an interesting psychological turning-point, honestly. I am been doing a lot of thinking about things I never had before, and have had some very interesting things revealed to me.

Much love to all the guys and gals in our church. If I hadn't been such a fool I would have sought them out and asked for guidance and support before things ever got this bad. Also much to Steve G., who gave this advice to me (and has affected me more than many other things I have read lately):

Originally Posted by Steve G.
"We'll keep you in our prayers. Discipline of stepchildren is probably the most difficult aspect of "blended" marriage. You are going to have to accomplish this in more creative ways.

Looking back in my life I wish I had spent more time on building relationships and less on discipline. There are many different ways of "training a child up in the way he should go" and being a step parent you'll have to be especially creative. Perhaps the best place to begin is by concentrating on being her friend instead of her father. That doesn't mean you have to approve of everything she does but change your tactics from father to friend. Be there for her with unconditional love so that she feels safe and secure. (It'll be difficult ... I know! I've dropped the ball many times.)

I'm convinced that children of divorce live with fear as their constant companion. You may be seen as a threat to her. She may fear that her mother will abandon her for you or she may feel anger that you stand in the way of her parent's reconciliation (no matter how impossible that would be in real life even with you out of the picture).

At the age of eight she does not have the ability to think cognitively so it's up to you to be the creative one and suck up the punishment and counter it with love and compassion. Few people would ever hold it against their dog if it bit them while it was experiencing intense pain. We understand that it is a natural response from the dog under those circumstances. Kids in divorce situations experience a lot of emotional pain. They need a lot of patience, love, and reassurance.

When she's being difficult try to react like a loving grandfather rather than as a parent. It's very difficult for men especially to do that, but there is nothing where the potential rewards are higher. One stepdaughter used my name as her last name when she wrote/published her first book. Another one asked if I would legally adopt her. She's now an adult so there's no legal point to it but I can't describe the feelings I got knowing she valued our relationship that much (they were the two most difficult of our seven).

Hang in there! You can be the best thing that ever came into her life (other than a relationship with Jesus ... and you can model that too!).

We'll keep you all in our prayers."

That really meant a lot to me! Thanks again, Steve!

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Originally Posted by Enlightened_Ex
If SD is not behaving well, remove yourself from the scene. Don't get angry, get gone.

You don't have to put up with the child's behavior. End the angry outbursts and refuse to put up with unacceptable behavior from the child. If your wife asks why you walk away, explain that you do not enjoy SD's behavior and will remove yourself from the situation.

I will if I need to. I am sure my wife would be fine with that.

Originally Posted by Enlightened_Ex
No one is suggesting that you sacrifice and suffer. You are asked to end your angry outbursts and spend UA time with your wife.


Yes, I will! Thanks! Spent a little time with SD last night and complimented her on her cartwheels; she responded by wanting to show me more :-) I have high hopes as long as I am acting as I should be and saying the things I should have been.

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What have you learned?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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