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The affair is over, but my husband is holding on to letters and pictures from the OW. He says he is "just not ready to let go yet."
Any thoughts on this? Shouldn't he WANT to let go for OUR sake? How do I approach this?
Me: BW - 37 years old
WH - 40 years old, first offense
D-Day: 8/3/13
Married 11 years
DD#1 - 6 yrs.
DD#2 - 5 yrs, Autsim
Trying to save the marriage. Plan A. WH going thru Detox.
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The affair is over, but my husband is holding on to letters and pictures from the OW. He says he is "just not ready to let go yet."
Any thoughts on this? Shouldn't he WANT to let go for OUR sake? How do I approach this? That's a big red flag. We need more information. How long married? Any children? Ages? How long was the affair? When did it end? Who was the OW? Who was this exposed to, if anyone? Sorry you are here BTW and welcome 
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Joined: Oct 2013
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How long married? 11 years
Any children? 2 girls Ages? 6 and 5 -- 5 year old has special needs
How long was the affair? -- 4 months. Emotional Affair with a woman out of state. He traveled to see her ONCE, no sexual contact.
When did it end? October 11 - the day before our 11th anniversary, 2 months after D-Day
Who was the OW? An old friend from his youth
Who was this exposed to, if anyone? Once I discovered it, I told a LOT of people in search of support. He told no one but his parents after they heard it from me.
Me: BW - 37 years old
WH - 40 years old, first offense
D-Day: 8/3/13
Married 11 years
DD#1 - 6 yrs.
DD#2 - 5 yrs, Autsim
Trying to save the marriage. Plan A. WH going thru Detox.
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Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
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Is the OW married?
Who did you expose to on OW's side?
Did he write a NC letter?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Hi blndbabz, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. What do you know about the OW? Is she married? Does she have a facebook page?
Does your husband travel for a living?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2009
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The affair is over, but my husband is holding on to letters and pictures from the OW. He says he is "just not ready to let go yet."
Any thoughts on this? Shouldn't he WANT to let go for OUR sake? How do I approach this?
Speaking to you as a man who had an affair (the worst thing I've ever done), if I were you, I'd give him about 30 seconds to put those pictures out in the trash, or about 30 minutes to get all of his things packed & outta there. That's giving him the courtesy of a choice, which is more than he gave you when he opted to have an affair.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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How long was the affair? -- 4 months. Emotional Affair with a woman out of state. He traveled to see her ONCE, no sexual contact. How do you know there was no sexual contact? I find that hard to believe.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Oct 2013
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Is the OW married?
Who did you expose to on OW's side?
Did he write a NC letter? OW is in the middle of a divorce. No one on her side knows a thing. He did not write a letter, but ended things verbally.
Me: BW - 37 years old
WH - 40 years old, first offense
D-Day: 8/3/13
Married 11 years
DD#1 - 6 yrs.
DD#2 - 5 yrs, Autsim
Trying to save the marriage. Plan A. WH going thru Detox.
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Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 50
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OP
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Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 50 |
. What do you know about the OW? Is she married? Does she have a facebook page?
Does your husband travel for a living? I know a lot. He has disclosed most of the details. She is mid divorce. I have seen her facebook page and she would often post messages to him calling him "Monkey." Her messages are mostly song lyrics, often inappropriate ones. Hubs does not travel for a living. He lied about a visit to his mother's home. He was easily caught when he never showed up at his mom's. I found him by pinging the GPS on his phone. 
Me: BW - 37 years old
WH - 40 years old, first offense
D-Day: 8/3/13
Married 11 years
DD#1 - 6 yrs.
DD#2 - 5 yrs, Autsim
Trying to save the marriage. Plan A. WH going thru Detox.
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Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 50
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OP
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Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 50 |
The affair is over, but my husband is holding on to letters and pictures from the OW. He says he is "just not ready to let go yet."
Any thoughts on this? Shouldn't he WANT to let go for OUR sake? How do I approach this?
Speaking to you as a man who had an affair (the worst thing I've ever done), if I were you, I'd give him about 30 seconds to put those pictures out in the trash, or about 30 minutes to get all of his things packed & outta there. That's giving him the courtesy of a choice, which is more than he gave you when he opted to have an affair. I don't know that he is holding on to the affair. He is very angry with the OW. She began harassing my family, his parents, and my parents after he ended the affair. He is so angry. He wrote a letter to her husband and her parents explaining the affair, took a picture of it, and sent it to her with a warning that any further attempts to contact him or any member of his family will result in him mailing the letters.
Me: BW - 37 years old
WH - 40 years old, first offense
D-Day: 8/3/13
Married 11 years
DD#1 - 6 yrs.
DD#2 - 5 yrs, Autsim
Trying to save the marriage. Plan A. WH going thru Detox.
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Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 50
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OP
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Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 50 |
How do you know there was no sexual contact? I find that hard to believe. Stress can be the biggest killer of romance. Call it Karma or Mother Nature, but I know that he developed a medical condition that prevented him from having sex just prior to his visit with her.. He does say that he would not have done it if he could have, but I doubt that.
Me: BW - 37 years old
WH - 40 years old, first offense
D-Day: 8/3/13
Married 11 years
DD#1 - 6 yrs.
DD#2 - 5 yrs, Autsim
Trying to save the marriage. Plan A. WH going thru Detox.
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Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 50
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OP
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Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 50 |
Thanks for all the support and questions. I'm not 100% sure why this was moved out of the recovery thread. The truth is we are on the road to recovery. We are both happy and working hard on making this work out. I'm just struggling a bit with the letters and photos. I'm not sure what he's waiting for when it comes to getting rid of them.
Me: BW - 37 years old
WH - 40 years old, first offense
D-Day: 8/3/13
Married 11 years
DD#1 - 6 yrs.
DD#2 - 5 yrs, Autsim
Trying to save the marriage. Plan A. WH going thru Detox.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Is the OW married?
Who did you expose to on OW's side?
Did he write a NC letter? OW is in the middle of a divorce. No one on her side knows a thing. He did not write a letter, but ended things verbally. "In the middle of a divorce" is weasel-ese for MARRIED. I would begin by informing her husband of the affair. Does the OW have a facebook page?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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. What do you know about the OW? Is she married? Does she have a facebook page?
Does your husband travel for a living? I know a lot. He has disclosed most of the details. She is mid divorce. I have seen her facebook page and she would often post messages to him calling him "Monkey." Her messages are mostly song lyrics, often inappropriate ones. blndbabz, the best thing you can do for your marriage is expose this affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it ruins the fantasy and magic of the affair. It is no fun to hang onto a fantasy when everyone is looking at you with disgust and horror. Eveyrone should know that the OW was carrying on with a married man, especially her husband. He has a RIGHT to know what your husband and his wife have done behind his back. Please go read the link in my signature about "exposure." It will tell you how to do this. You should probably go to her facebook page NOW and copy and paste her contacts into a WORD doc for safekeeping. Can you go do that? And you do realize that he lied about not having sex with her, right?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
I don't know that he is holding on to the affair. He is very angry with the OW. She began harassing my family, his parents, and my parents after he ended the affair. He is so angry. He wrote a letter to her husband and her parents explaining the affair, took a picture of it, and sent it to her with a warning that any further attempts to contact him or any member of his family will result in him mailing the letters. Do you still have the letter? You can send that to the husband and the parents.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks for all the support and questions. I'm not 100% sure why this was moved out of the recovery thread. The truth is we are on the road to recovery. We are both happy and working hard on making this work out. I'm just struggling a bit with the letters and photos. I'm not sure what he's waiting for when it comes to getting rid of them. You are not in recovery if he is hanging onto these momentos. Not even close. Is there a reason why you are tolerating having these reminders of the worst thing that ever happened to you in your home? Surely he understands that this is an abhorrent reminder of the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How do you know there was no sexual contact? I find that hard to believe. Stress can be the biggest killer of romance. Call it Karma or Mother Nature, but I know that he developed a medical condition that prevented him from having sex just prior to his visit with her.. He does say that he would not have done it if he could have, but I doubt that. That is not believable. There are many ways to have sex and a man does not travel to see his OW and not have sex.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How do you know there was no sexual contact? I find that hard to believe. Stress can be the biggest killer of romance. Call it Karma or Mother Nature, but I know that he developed a medical condition that prevented him from having sex just prior to his visit with her.. He does say that he would not have done it if he could have, but I doubt that. Even if there was no sexual intercourse (which I don't believe) there is still all sorts of sexual contact they could have had. Unless you were personally there to witness what took place or WH has had a polygraph, I would not believe what your WS says. All WSs are liars and will minimize what happened...hoping a BS will buy it and leave it alone. In all the years I have been on MB, I can't recall a single WS puking up all the details and not withholding info.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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This................. The affair is over, but my husband is holding on to letters and pictures from the OW. He says he is "just not ready to let go yet." does not line up with this................ I don't know that he is holding on to the affair. He is very angry with the OW. You are making a very common mistake and judging your husband by his WORDS rather than his actions. It is a shock and awe tactic to throw you off balance so you won't expose his affair. The fact that he is hanging onto these momentoes shows how he really feels. If you want to kill the affair for good, I would expose it to her husband, her parents and her facebook friends. Your husband should not be told in advance of the exposure. And if he is sincere about recovery, he won't mind this at all. I would also insist that he get rid of all momentos. You can burn this trash together in your backyard BBQ.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't know that he is holding on to the affair. If he is holding onto pictures and letters of OW, he is holding onto the affair. He is very angry with the OW. She began harassing my family, his parents, and my parents after he ended the affair. He is so angry. He wrote a letter to her husband and her parents explaining the affair, took a picture of it, and sent it to her with a warning that any further attempts to contact him or any member of his family will result in him mailing the letters. He is sooooo angry but he keeps her pictures and letters?  He is sooooo angry that he writes an exposure letter but doesn't send it?  Your WH is playing games. He hasn't DONE anything and is only trying to do damage control. Lots of talk and no action here. If you want to get to the truth, you should contact the BH and speak to him.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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