Here you go.
Polygraph Testing

I am hopelessly in love with my husband. Everything is still pretty fresh. He only ended the EA with her one week ago. I'm trying to give him space to work out what he needs to. He's in a mourning period over the loss of her friendship.

I confronted him about the letters and photos last night. He has them hiddne in his safe. he said he put them there a few weeks ago and hasn't had the chance to get rid of them. He has promised that we will take them into the yard tomorrow night and burn all of the letters and pictures. He wants me to feel safe and he wants all the reminders gone for both of our sakes. SO HE SAYS. I'll believe it when I see it.

I just keep wondering what else will pop up! Jus when I think that everythng is gone, somehting else comes up. I want to wake up from this nightmare.

What do you mean by OW is harassing your families? What is she doing?

Why haven't you exposed on OW side?

Ok, this makes more sense now. You just discovered it and he is doing damage control and is in a fog. The fog is an alternate reality that waywards perceive as reality when they are carrying on their affair. He doesn't care about your feelings at this point (sad but true, if he says otherwise he is lying because he would run and try to correct everything asap if he truly cared). You will sadly not be in true recovery for quite some time and you need to get very familiar with MB principles and practice them fully to recover your marriage.

Secondly, giving him space is the worst thing you could do for your marriage right now. Read up on Plan A, you need to spend at leat 25 hours of UA time together a week (space is the enemy right now).

Third, don't be afraid to tell him he must get rid of the stuff right away and honestly you should be part of it so you're sure the stuff is disposed of and not hidden. There should be nothing slowing this or preventing this. I find it hard to believe he hasn't had the chance to get rid of the stuff he just doesn't want to get rid of the stuff, it is an obvious excuse and an attempt to gaslight you. Tell him, lets go now and dispose of this stuff the very next time you see him, we have a perfect opportunity to correct this right now, so lets go.

Last, expose to everyone of your family, husband's family, friends and OW's side. Her H deserves to know what happened especially in divorce proceedings, this woman could be trying to be setting up alimony for all you know and she obviously doesn't deserve it.

Completely cutting off all contact with OW, affair momentos and any way to even see a picture of the OW is necessary. Your H is trapped in an addiction right now and everything must go so he can go through withdrawal and detox from the addiction. He will not see things clearly and will be in the fog until he goes through withdrawal and detoxes.

When WH ended the affair, OW began calling my house... 15 times in succession, leaving messages for me to call her and get all the details on the affair. She was mad at him. I ignored the calls. He and I then went away for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary and work on the rebuilding. We left my parents with the kids. She called them a dozen times and told them she was a "concerned friend" of mine. When she realized we were not home, she called WH's parents and spoke th is mother saying she was concerned about him because he was so hurt when they ended the affair.

We used the threat of exposure to get the harassment to stop. She has not contacted us or any of our family members since we made the threat. If I expose her now, she will begin the harassment again.

You should have just exposed without even warning. Same as you should do with your H. He is still clearly entrenched in the A and that is why he doesn't want to 'let go' of the remnants of the A. It is as ridiculous as it sounds and you are not crazy by being completely appalled by his behavior.

Waywards are cowards if you haven't you realized that yet. They will say anything to try and get you to keep their A secret so that it is not disrupted. EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE!!!

Change your number and if she continues to harass then call the police. If this was some stranger doing the same thing isn't that what you would do?

Since she began harassing the family, he has started to see her for who she really is. He is recognizing her lies, her crazy (she's really nuts), and her lack of connection with reality.

As far as exposure goes, all of our friends and family know. Her family/friends do not. We are using that as a form of blackmail to keep her at bay. We need her GONE. She is the product of a wealthy upbringing and has a lot to lose if exposed including her children and home. We do not want to DESTROY her, but we do want her to learn the consequences of her actions. The blackmail, as horrible as it sounds to put it that way, seems to be doing the trick.

I can tell you I tried the exact same thing and it did not work! I waited 6 months to tell the OMW. And what consequences?

Listen to this! Your path has been lived before and it doesn't work. Dr. Harley is an expert and has been counseling couples how to deal with infidelity for over 40 years.

Not exposing the OW is enabling her to get away with her actions not holding her accountable. She will think she can do this to someone else's family and her own and get away with it in the future. Hold her accountable and force her to deal with the consequences of her actions.

If your WH is trying to keep you from exposing it is because he is trying to protect the OW and the A. OPEN YOUR EYES! No good will come from keeping the A a secret.

I think you are in denial and BS denial is a huge issue we see on these forums daily.

First, if he "saw her for who she really is", then he why would he be hanging on to the affair mementos even at your protestation? Really? He would risk hurting his BW more for someone he know realizes is crazy? Do you see how that doesn't line up??

Second, that's not how affairs work. He fell in love with her and while she may have upset him with her calls and harassment (lovebuster) it wasn't nearly a dent in the huge account she has with him.

I know that must hurt and I am sorry but you must face reality. She is a threat to your M and always will be. She is like crack to him and as for right now, he is refusing to put down the crackpipe, otherwise he would be willing to get rid of the affair tokens...

Because your WH still hasn't put down the crackpipe and you should be in operation kill affair vs. let's try to move on to the recovery part of this plan.

The affair isn't over, BB. Your WH isn't being honest with you about this affair having only been an EA (I don't believe that for one second and if he is being truthful then he should have no problem taking a poly). And this hasn't been properly exposed.

Blackmailing the OP never works. This will backfire on you. We can smell a FR from a mile away and this is a FR. Sorry

First off, you don't have the power to destroy her. And secondly, you are protecting the affair by keeping the OWs secret for her and your husband. The "blackmail" ploy keeps you quiet so they can go further underground with the affair.

You are unwittingly being tricked into protecting the affair for the OW. Affairs thrive on secrecy so you have become an accessory to the crime.

Since your husband has tricked you into silence with this "blackmail" scheme, he is free to resume the affair at any time. You have helped him leave that door wide open.

And how will the OW husband find out the truth if you don't tell him? Are you really a cruel person?

This sounds like a very desperate and addicted OW. I think this affair is deeper than you want to believe.




Are you snooping to see if the affair has gone underground? It makes me very suspicious when an OW goes silent without being exposed herself...especially after all that drama.

You need to expose her. If the harassment starts again then expose that also to her family and ask for their help in getting her to stop trying to destroy your family.

"She is the product of a wealthy upbringing and has a lot to lose if exposed including her children and home. We do not want to DESTROY her, but we do want her to learn the consequences of her actions"

No, you don't. You are protecting her from the consequences of her actions by hiding the affair for her. You hurt your marriage, your husband, her husband, her children, and the OW by covering up for her. NO ONE wins this way. Your husband is protecting her so he can continue his affair- WITH YOUR HELP.

If she loses anything it will be because of her affair, not because you told the truth. And since she is not worried about that, why should you be?

And how will your husband learn his lesson if his other victim, the
OW husband is not told of his crime against him? Does that look like remorse to you when your H deceives this man?

You protect your husband from the consequences of his behavior so as a result he learns nothing. Nothing.

How do know that OW wasn't coming to visit your WH during that time?

blndbabz,

You are in your own lalaland if you think there isn't more to this affair but it is your choice if you don't want to follow MB to kill the affair and give your marriage a REAL chance. If the affair keeps chugging along you have the REAL possibility of contracting an STD, having on OC born of an affair (unless either AP is infertile...think about how that would blow your and your children's lives up), or a nervous breakdown. Ignorance is not bliss to most people...maybe it is to you as you don't seem to WANT the truth.

Good luck to you.

First, I�m feeling a little bit attacked here. Is it really so wrong to trust the man I�ve known for 13 years? Is it really so bad that I can see into his eyes and find the truth?

I�m at work right now. He has messaged me that he deleted all of her photos off of his phone and will prove it when I get home. He has also promised that we will destroy the letters and photos together when I get home. That�s progress� right?

He said he was keeping the letters because she said a lot of nice things about him during a time when no one else was. I explained that every day they remain in his life is another dagger thrown at me and I need them gone.

The EA began in June and lasted 4 months. It was a rekindled friendship from his past (no relationship history) that resurfaced through facebook. I have read the emails, messages, texts, etc. and can see that she was out to capture his heart from the beginning. I think he was blind to that� just because I know him and he�s the type who is oblivious to the romantic intentions of women.

As for the EA� He was unhappy with our marriage. I had become cold and distant, as had he. We are both to blame. He needed someone to talk to and the OW showed up at the �right� time to catch his attention. He admits that he cares for her but says that he never REALLY loved her the way she wanted him to. Since she lived half way across the country, he told her he loved her to keep the conversations going. He admits that he encouraged her and her words of love to him because he wasn�t getting them from me at home and the stroke to his ego was comforting.

The OW became obsessed. She decided that I would be willing to sign off my rights to my own children so that he could leave me and join her . She began sending gifts to my children and calling her fantasy family the �Party of Six� including her kids, my kids, and my WH. She began calling his mother �Mama� and referred to herself as the new mother to my children. He said he never discouraged her but knew that it would never happen. He has said that even if I left him, he does not want her in that way.

Since D-Day, he has ended the relationship 3 times. After the first time, she faked a car accident and hospital stay to get his attention. After the second time, she threatened to kill herself and said he destroyed her life and would make her children motherless. The third and final end came on Oct. 11 � the day before our wedding anniversary. That is when the harassment began.

Since the breakup � she has mailed photos and letters to him, sent gift baskets for my children, contacted HIS parents, contacted MY parents, and left cruel voice messages. He has begun to see her true colors and is very angry with her for all she has done. He said he had wanted to end it nicely, but now is so upset with her behavior that he does not care how hurt she is by the break up. He said that she deserves the pain after all she has done to us.

If I expose her to her husband and family, she will begin harassing him, me, and our families again. I don�t want that. I just want her gone. Once we burn her letters and photos tonight, she will be gone.

Am I being na�ve? Is it wrong for me to believe that he has really let go of her and is moving forward with me? It feels like the replies I�ve gotten have been harsh. I love him. My WH was and is a good man who just got lost when someone showed him the affection I hadn�t been giving him. Now that he is getting that affection from me again, he doesn�t need or want her. That�s progress isn�t it?

What do I do here? I had myself convinced that we were doing things the right way, but now� you are all making me doubt myself and my husband and I don�t want to do that. I want to restore, rebuild, and recover.

BB,

The ONLY way to recover a marriage after an affair is to kill the affair (never see or speak to OP again), implement extraordinary precautions, and built a passionate marriage.

Right now, your husband is not trustworthy. He is a foggy liar. You said yourself that he has broken up with her three times, twice letting her back into his life. You are only talking about a max of one week no contact, maybe less.

Please follow the advice of people here who know what they are doing. Recovering after an affair is a long roller coaster, full of ups and downs. And those people who actually recover their marriage DO NOT take shortcuts in implementing MB. If you haven't read it already, get and read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair".

Snooping like crazy. I feel like a private investigator. Fortunately, WH is terrible at covering his tracks. I do wish I could get into his locker at work, tho... hmmmmm....