Her email subject line was "WHY" the message said:
"How could you do this to me? ME! After 15 years of friendship and you choose THIS as an ending? As OUR ending? Why? WHY??? What are you so damn afraid of? You are a coward. I don't deserve this."

Well who would have thunk it? Married man leaves mistress shocker.

However WH would not read it that way.

Can you get an exposure plan in place?

OWH and OW's parents have unlisted phone numbers. I cannot call them. OWH has a FB page, but it appears that he is NEVER on it. That's why I mailed the letters.

OW has blocked me and WH from her FB page, however, I am able to access it from my daughter's account. Unfortunately, her security settings are pretty strong and I cannot see her friend list.

any thoughts?

Yes, do as I said and send the husband and the parents facebook messages [private messages] telling them about the affair. Ask them to call you. Also see if you can any sisters or brothers of the OWH and send them PM's telling them of the affair and asking them to notify the OWH and have him call you.

Can you access the OWH's friend list?

How is your exposure plan coming along?

Also how old are your kids? Exposure will need to be done to them. Particularly in your case. It wasn't lost on me that he wanted to take the kids on this sojourn without you.

Lots of people on these boards have exposed in an age appropraite way that helped their children understand all the confusion going on around them.

Good Morning, Happy Monday.

Exposure plan is in place. I've mailed letters to OWH and parents. I've sent messages on FB for OWH to contact me. I could not find any other family on FB, but I did manange to send messages to a few of OW friends. I could not acess friend lists for OW or OWH, but pulled friend names from replies on her FB posts.

Children: My oldest is 6. She knows that Daddy spent time with his girlfriend and her kids and that it made Mommy very very sad. She knows that he took OW's kids to the zoo and told her Dad, "you should be taking ME to the zoo, Daddy, not someone else!" She also knows that it was wrong of Daddy to do this and he has apologized to her several times and promised to take her to the zoo very soon. Planned trip for next weekend.

Younger daughter: 5 years old, Autism. She is a very bright child, but non-verbal. her special needs make it difficult to discuss things like this. She knows that there is tension in the family and we have reassured her that we love her and that everything will be OK in time. Her stress levels have not been affected, which is good.

We are working with a family therapist for the sake of both children She is working with the girls to cope with the stress in the household and helping us work together as a team to reduce stress in the children and cooperate despite our own stress. This is OUR problem and we need to make sure the kids know it isn't because of them.

BB, you did that perfectly and I want to applaud you for finding creative ways to expose to the OW's facebook friends. A couple of things stand out to me:

1. sending the exposure letter to the OM. OW are notorious for intercepting such letters and are typically on the look out. I would try and CALL him or find some other way to reach him just to make sure he gets the letter. See if you can find out where he works and call or email him there

2. try calling his mother. Look her up in the whitepages.com and call her directly

3. any private message sent on facebook to a non friend will go to their SPAM box if you don't pay $1 to go to the inbox. I would encourage you to send a message to as many of the OW's fb friends as you can and be sure and pay a $1

It is especially critical that you speak to the OWH by phone because if the OW intercepts your letter, she will feed him a line of bull about you. For example, she will tell him that some kook woman down in crapwit, Penn imagines that she is chasing her husband. So when you do get through to him, you will be so thoroughly discredited that he won't even look at your evidence. And keep in mind, he won't WANT to believe you.

So do your best to get the OWH and the parents on the phone. Can you find the OWH parents or sibs? Have you googled them or tried to find them on facebook? They would make sure the OWH got the information!

I actually DO know where OWH works. WH told me he's a manager for Lowes. I'll check phone book for closest one to OW's home. Also, OWH lives with OW's parents. Both letters sent to same place. OW's parents do not work and it should be hard for her to intercept letters. I will try to call OWH at work, great idea!

Will pay the $1. thanks for the tip!

Went to MiL with WH this weekend. He told her about all of his lies and she is now accepting me into her home again. WH grieving but also showing signs of remorse. Actually begged me to stay for the first time since D Day -- also said "I should have been begging all along."

Yay babs!!!!

Love DD6. Love her.

Can you call OWHs workplace?

DD6 is a spitfire!

I will try calling OWH work after I get home from work tonight.

Question:

I realize that WH is in detox mode, trying to kick his addiction... He is being very compliant, has agreed to all of my terms, has apologized, and is begging for forgiveness. I believe I read that the detox part can take 3 weeks to 2 years. WH already appears to be coming around based on the things he is saying and doing.

How do I know that he has really let go of the EA? Are there signs I should be looking for? Or do I just press on with the recovery plan and hope and pray that he is letting go?

Conversation last night: He recognizes that the emotions he felt for her were more of an infatuation and less of love. He believes that he only loved or cared for her as one would a close friend. He admits that he led her to believe that he felt more for her than he actually did because he was getting his emotional needs met by her and did not want that relationship to end. He asked me to stop blaming her because the EA was his fault because he pushed it forward on all levels. I told him that even if he led her on and pressed for an A, she still knew he was married. She still knew it was wrong. She could have run away. He agreed that this is true, but feels such guilt about hurting both OW and me, that he wants to take full blame.

At this point, I have forgiven him for the A. Forgiveness does not mean that I have forgotten or that the pain is gone. It means that I recognize that a mistake was made and that there is no way for him to repay it. I accept my role in the A and agree to make strides to move forward with repairing our marriage.

He has also forgiven me for the emotional distance that I placed between us after the birth of our children. I recognized and apologized for not meeting his emotional needs and am making efforts to fill them once again.

What hasn't happened: I don't think either one of us are ready to forgive ourselves for what we did to the other. I am so mad at myself for not being there for him and for failing to fill his needs. I know that had I filled his emotional needs, he would never have looked for someone else to fill them. He is feeling very guilty about the way he hurt both me and OW. He cannot forgive himself for letting this woman into his life and allowing himself to become emotionally attached to her when she met his needs. Further he cannot forgive himself for hurting me by breaking his wedding promises.

Back to the question: How do I know if his words are sincere? I've known him so long and I thought I knew his heart. How do I know if he has really let go of her and is on the path to recovery? I have been a private investigator... Unless there is a burner phone somewhere that I can't find, he has not had any contact with her.

thoughts?

This is why it is so imporatnt for the betrayed spouse to do the exposure. Waywards are liars and they always spin the truth. Talk from a wayward is utterly meaningless. Remorse and crocodile tears will not save a marriage. What matters are actions. I am not trying to discourage you, but you should not be encouraged by empty talk.

Forgiveness is very inappropriate and is downright dangerous when there has been an affair. Giving inappropriate, unwarranted 'forgivess" to an unrepentant wayward only leads to more neglect and abuse. Please read this article and reconsider that tactic: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?



How do you know that the words of a falling down drunk are sincere? You wait until he has demonstrated sober, trustworthy behavior for months and years. You wait until he stops falling down.

thoughts? [/quote]

The reason your husband had the affair is because he allowed another woman to meet his needs. He has very poor boundaries for a married man. He will have another affair even if you meet his needs 100% if he does not clean up his boundaries.

Be prepared to face another affair in your marriage if his boundaries are not cleaned up. Even if you meet his needs perfectly!

I understand that now. He had told his mother quite a few lies about me. The air is clear now. I had originally exposed the A to her, but he followed it up with details of me being an abusive wife/mom. He has now admitted to her that I was in no way abusive and that he was feeling vindictive when he said those things. As I said, I'm now welcome in her home again.

Oh, and also for the record: He is writing a NC letter today.

I follow all the advice that you have given me and I really do appreciate it. I am having difficulty with the harsh, no forgiveness/mercy type stance. Is it really so impossible to believe that my husband found himself in a one time short lived lapse in judgement? What he thought started innocent quickly became an EA.

No one here seems to believe that it was ONLY an EA. No one here seems to believe that he is truly remorseful. No one here seems to believe that he really did end the EA on his own. I realize there are a lot of WS out there who are repeat offenders, liars, those who just want to cheat... but is it really so hard to believe that my WH simply got lost for a few months and just needed some help finding his way back?

Had I done the same to him, how would I expect to be treated? How would I want to continue? I would at the very least want to be forgiven.

It is not harsh to forgo unwarranted forgiveness when it is in your husbands best interest to be given an opportunity to EARN your forgiveness by giving you just compensation. What is harsh is having an affair.

Yes, we know all this. We know why and how the affair started. However, we also know how to recover your marriage so when we see you making serious mistakes, we are going to say something. It is a serious mistake to offer up unwarranted "forgiveness" when it would be in your best interest AND ESPECIALLY HIS to give you just compensation. Forgiveness is simply not warranted.


That describes about 99% of all cheaters except that your husband is still lying about the physical part of his affair. That cerainly does not demonstrate remorse.


But that would not in your best interest if you had done nothing to warrant it. It would hurt you.

And I don't think you want to hurt your husband, do you?

Did oyu read the article?

In 1997/1998, I was a just a college kid. I lived off campus in a house with friends... including a married couple. In time, I became the OW.

I know how it feels to be the OW. I know how it feels to wish that the WH would leave the BW to be with me. I know how hard it was to see WH sharing intimate moments with the BW who had no idea that I was in her WH's arms when she was at work. I lived in the same house with them. It doesn't get worse that that. Does it?

As the OW, I was the one who finally blew the whistle and ended the EA and PA. I was in love with the WH, but he didn't love me enough to leave the BW. BW eventually found out, well after the PA was over, but there was no exposure. No one knew except the three of us.

All I ever wanted was for the BW to forgive me. I told the WH to put all the blame on me to save his marriage. After all, it didn't matter if she hated me. What mattered was that they worked it out. When I moved out of their home, she was pregnant.

I often wonder if this is karma for what I did when I was young and stupid.

Part of me wants to reach out to the OW in my WH's life and tell her what I went through all those years ago. I want to shake her and tell her that she will NEVER win if she keeps going for married guys.

All I wanted was to be forgiven so I could move forward with my life. That was 15 years ago. I still just want to be forgiven.

Why is it wrong for me to forgive my husband? I don't want to forget. I just want to forgive.

That is not in your husband's best interest. Believe me, I have done horrible things in my life. But crying big crocodile tears did not help my grief and guilt. MAKING AMENDS to my victims did. Making amends restored my relationship and made me feel like i had justly compensated my victims for my crime.

Don't deny your husband that opportunity. And most of all, don't deny that chance for your marriage and your children. Feeling remorse and passing out unwarranted, empty forgiveness will not right that wrong. It will not save your marriage and it will not turn your husband back into a good man.

Being "forgiven" does not make a person feel good. Making amends and taking steps to become a decent person DOES.

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