I found out about dh's work affair five weeks ago, and because of my own end of making the marriage unhappy, have tried to change and win him back. He has become more and more distant, and has been more and more brazen in seeing her. He maintains that they aren't physical, and only go out in groups. He says he has only stayed with me for the house and dd. I have been told I will only break his trust if I contact the woman, who doesn't know he is married. I have a history of being controlling and manipulative, and this would be seen as further proof that I haven't changed, if I go behind his back. I promised I wouldn't talk to anyone he knows either, after I talked to his mom and he became very angry. It actually made him more brazen after that. He shows no remorse in going out anymore.

BBS, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

The first thing you should do is contact the OW and tell her that your husband is married to you. I would expose the affair in a strategic, methodical manner. The reason is because affairs thrive on secrecy and the only way you can save your marriage is kill the affair. Since exposure ruins affairs, it is the fastest method in saving your marriage.

Exposure is the most effective tool in saving your marriage.

Please go read the Exposure thread in my signature for best practices.

After you contact the OW and expose his affair, tell him he can NEVER EVER trust you to cover up his sleazy, destructive affair for him because you love him too much to be an ENABLER.

I keep reading that, but I'm scared it doesn't apply to my situation. I'm scared I'll make it worse. He doesn't want to be with me, and making him mad isn't going to help with that.

See, our goal is to save your marriage. Yours is to avoid his anger at any cost. That won't save your marriage. It does apply to your situation *IF* you want to save your marriage.

He doesn't want to be with you because he is having an affair. That is why you must kill the affair if you want to have any hope of saving your marriage.

Do you want to save your marriage?

He has been unhappy for years, is the thing. We have always had problems.

I do want to save it, and am willing to do whatever necessary. I've just been told that this won't help me.

That describes about 99% of marriages that come here for help.


It is about the ONLY thing that will help you. Most of here who are in recovered marriages attribute that to exposure. We have had affairs end the day they were exposed. I predict yours would. Dr Bill Harley is a clinical psychologist, author of Surviving an Affair and founder of Marriage Builders. He has saved thousands of marriages using these tactics and here is what he says:


You have no hope if you can't kill the affair. And the longer it goes on the more entrenched it becomes. The more entrenched the more likely he is to leave you for her. And every time he sees her he takes the risk of getting her pregnant. Go read some of the horror stories in Pregnancy forum if you want to see what can happen.

Bottom line is that by keeping his secret, you are ENBLING her affair. At your expense and the expense of your marriage.

Who told you this? Not someone who knows how to save marriages.

BBS, your marriage can survive your husbands temporary anger over exposure but it CAN'T survive this affair. Enabling his affair is not going to save your marriage, it will wreck it. Your silence makes you an accessory to the crime and almost ensures you won't make it.

Every day that goes by while the affair is kept secret, your chances go down and down.

He seems very sure of divorce. I'm scared.

How old are you and WH?

How long have you been married?

Welcome to MB

We've been together 16 years, married 8.

He half admitted he's been physical with her. He's more and more comfortable with divorce. I'm ready.

If he's ready for D then why do you hesitate to expose? You have nothing to lose at this point!!

I don't know what you categorize as controlling and manipulative but you can't be THAT controlling if your WH can manage to have an affair and continues to do so while rubbing it in your face. It's always amazing how that works!

Exposure is your best chance to avoid divorce. Exposure will likely kill the affair. At the least it will hasten it's death. Please go read the exposure thread and start making plans. Come back and we will help you fine tune your plan.

And whatever you do, don't forewarn him and don't threaten exposure.

This is emotional blackmail. He is doing this so you don't ruin his little love nest and so he can be a cake eater. He is manipulating you because he knows you are scared and are afraid of losing him. He has you exactly where he wants you.

Why are you more concerned about not making him mad than fighting for your M?

I want to call her and send her a Facebook message. She doesn't know he's married. I'm terrified she won't care. What do I do if she stays with him anyway? What is a good template for her message? I will send a message to her sister as well. On WH's end, I'm going to contact his close friend, who is also a coworker. I have already talked to his mom, and it didn't help. I can send a message to another coworker, but I'd rather it be more generic. WH was drunk tonight, and said they hadn't been physical, but he thinks about her constantly. I don't want to embarrass him unnecessarily. If there is a way to say they have been getting too close, so please remember he's married, to that coworker, that would be enough. My aunt wants to talk to him, but when his brother found out, he practically encouraged it. I just don't know what I'm going to do if she stays with him anyway.

I'm scared you all are wrong, at least for my situation. This can't be undone.