You probably never imagined that your WH would have an affair either...until he did.

The point about addiction is addicts will ALWAYS find a way to get to their addiction. If it is right next door they will never even START withdrawal.

Please don't apply the normal rules of logic and what you know of your (former) husband here. Right now the rules of addiction apply.

Dr Harley has never seen a couple recover when the waywards continue to work together.

They always have to stop working together and if there is a chance of accidental contact, he even advises the recovering move home to another state.

What is your plan? How can you make yourself happy with WH going to work everyday with OW while at the same time being belligerent to you?

How long will you be able to live like that before you have a nervous breakdown?

What are you teaching your DD about what is acceptable in how a man can treat his wife?


I know that you are worried about finances and want WH to keep his job. I know that you "believe" you are safe letting your WH continue to work in the same company as OW so that the bills can be paid. You are not safe as long as WH continues to have contact with OW and refuses to commit to the marriage.


Read up on Plan B and learn how to take control of your life and remove yourself from the drama. Filing for divorce to get abusive WH out of the house will be a dose of reality for him. It does not mean that you have to go through with it if WH decides to commit to the marriage and is able to make a complete change in his lifestyle.

Right now your WH thinks you will allow him to stomp all over you.

You are headed down the road to a death of a thousand cuts. I am worried about you.

I am trying to get help, and if you really want to help me, you will try and work within my situation. I understand I'm not following all your rules, but I'm also getting conflicting advice, and am doing the best I can. Here is exactly what happened. I was advised not to contact coworkers or her friends because it could make me look unstable in court. I have already told his family. On Sunday night, I called the OW and told her he was married, and contact had to cease. She immediately emailed him, and he freaked out on me. He called the nextvday from work and frantically said she had told everyone he was married and pursuing her, and that she threatened to contact HR if I contacted her again. In my state, they can fire at will, and if HR is contacted, he WILL be fired. He has been ignoring me ever since. Now, I caught him on his iPod last night, two hours after he had gonevto bed. He hid it, and said he was looking at porn. He also didn't get off work until 8, when anything after 3:30 is overtime. I don't want to risk looking unstable. You can say "I told you so," or you can help me figure out how to know what he's up to.

There is no legal way to remove him from the house. If I abandon the house, I risk not getting it in a divorce, because a lawyer told me possession is 9/10 of the law.

BBS, if you want to save your marriage you need to follow the advice here. We know how to save marriages and your friends don't. Exposure does not make you look "unstable" in court. We have done this a thousand times going back years.

We can't help you if you won't follow the advice. I view this as a hopeless cause. Sorry.

And we can't help you if you won't separate. You may be the only person in America that can't seem to separate. We have had thousands who separated over the years. Every week, we have couples separate when it is warranted. You are the only exception in my 12 years here.

No way to 'legally remove him from the house?'

Wow. Kick him out and change the locks like every other betrayed wife has to do. I promise you the locksmith police won't come round and make you change it back. You are being cheated on and you seem to think you need a court order to stand up for yourself.

And as for him getting fired, that is brilliant news. He should get fired.



OK, do it your way.

One thing I want to make clear is that people are not going to volunteer their free time to help someone who isn't very interested in doing much. Posters usualy abandon the threads of people who do not act.

You keep saying 'your situation' but there isn't anything very different about 'your situation'.

Most affairs take place in the workplace.
Most affairs involve a contentious WH
Most affairs involve an OW who makes threats
Most affairs ruin the financial stability of the family
Most people with unrepentant WH have to separate
Nobody gets a permission slip to get them 'legally' out of the house.
Most people have to expose. It is not 'unstable' to tell people the truth!

The only thing different about your situation is that you are one of those rare people who want to do nothing about it.

That's your call entirely.

This is NOT a program you can cherry pick. You either abide by the rules or limp along in Plan C/Hope.

Please read.
BSs.......Plan C is not a Plan!

You can say "I told you so," or you can help me figure out how to know what he's up to.'

What he's up to: He is having a workplace affair and has figured out how to keep it going without consequences. The longer he continues, the more risk there is to your mental and physical health and other long-lasting effects (financial) to you. There is no "magic" way to make this all go away. You can take control or be powerless.

AM

Seriously, your situation is no different than any other marriage suffering an affair.

You have landed on a site that is a wealth, no a goldmine, of experience and knowledge. The posters here all voluntarily try to help others understand and implement the program because it works, because they have all been there, and because they want to help others avoid the mistakes that they have made themselves.

Read everything you can here and educate yourself on affairs and how to recover from them. That is your best chance. You have found the tools but now you need to actually pick them up and use them.

Take control of your life. You can do this.

BMBS, I am one of the posters here who saved my marriage by following the advice here. My husband was in a workplace affair with a co-worker. It was only through exposing the affair to his HR and managers was I able to get him transfered and away from the OW. It was only by kicking him out of the housr and refusing to be subjected to the emotional abuse of his affair was I able to preserve my mental and physical heath. It was only through refusing contact with him until he ended his affair was he able to face what he was doing his his life and his family's lives.

If I had not had the knowledge I had gotten here, and the strength the posters gave me to follow it through, I would be a mental train wreck right now.

They are trying to help you, please listen.


~RQ

[quote=BeingMyBestSelf
I don't want to risk looking unstable. You can say "I told you so," or you can help me figure out how to know what he's up to.

/quote]

I can imagine that you are afraid and confused and sad and overwhelmed ! Have faith in the process that has been used by so many of us in the past with results to prove it.

Think about it, a BS that is doing exposure in order to SAVE her marriage cannot be interpreted as unstable.

Are you afraid of the consequences of work exposure -sure ! Its not going to be an easy ride you better have your seatbelt tightly fastened. The bigger picture is that everyone else here is afraid of the consequences of you NOT doing the complete exposure and killing the A.

The veterans here are doing exactly what you asked, help you figure out what he is up to - and the answer is that he is still deep in the clutches of the fog of the A. He will say and do everything to prevent the A from having to end ie don't contact work else she will have me fired.

Don't be afraid, you have some great people throwing you life lines here, dig deep and find the strength to follow thru and trust that it will pay out in the end.

Dh is in the process of filling out divorce papers, and me talking to friends and family is further proof to him that I'm unstable. Two separate people advised him not to go home at all tonight. Any more brilliant ideas?

You need to work the program.


Are you willing to keep getting hurt for the sake of appearing "stable"?


Your marriage can withstand his anger but not the affair. The more you lay down and take it the more you will get stepped on!

So, WS tells you you are 'unstable'.

Do you a) realise he is gaslighting you and trying to protect a situation where he can control you and have his Affairs too.
or B) believe him hook, line and sinker.




DH tells you he is in the 'process' of filing for a D, do you
a) Realise that you have grounds for a D (adultery) but he does not have any
b) Realise this is all talk.
c) Realise that a man this determined to protect his secret second life is a lost cause
or d) Kick him out and see your own lawyer.

Are you still doing nothing about getting him out and enforcing a faithful marriage?

If your answer is 'yes' I will know to mosey on elsewhere.

The most common reaction to exposure is "I want a D!" "I hate you!" "You are unstable!"

My own husband threatened this and was deadly serious to look at. However I was the one who had to eventually do the D and he tried to stop me from divorcing him every step of the way!

Very rarely do they actually file for a D. Too lazy to do the paperwork.

It usually merely means: "Please leave my A alone and go back to putting up with it".

Usually the D threat is not followed up. However so what if he does? If he wants to divorce you for tackling his A, you may want to start divorce proceedings yourself.

I'm interested to hear what his grounds for a D would be.

I have a very simple saying for when you try and do your own thing - if you knew how to fix a marriage, how did you get in this mess in the first place? I sure wouldn't have ended up here if I knew everything either. If you want to cherry pick then go right ahead, but there's not much value in the blind leading the blind.

We don't care what your unstable husband thinks. We care about saving your marriage. The goal is to save your marriage, not to get the approval of a wayward who is drunk on an affair.

Our brilliant idea is that you start following the advice from people who have saved their marriages using these steps and stop crashing your marriage on the rocks with Plan BeingMyBestSelf.