You need to ask the mods to merge this new thread with your old thread. To Surviving An Affair.

It sounds as if your BH has started a EA with this co worker. Your BH resumption of SF could of been brought about the feelings his EA has stirred up in him. Maybe he has gone PA now and that is why he stopped SF with you.

It sounds as if you have address what you did in the past and what your BH is doing now.

Hi all - just as a follow up, i told my husband yesterday that what has done the past 15 years has been abuse. He actually admitted that he felt that he could say, treat, act anyway he wanted to and would justify that anything he did was never worse then what I did. He owned it and seems quite proud of himself.

Also, he doesn't want to talk about the affair, the broken marriage prior to that.
He really has no plans to change his behavior.

Our renewed intimacy started almost a year ago, long before the coworker came into the scene.

I have tried addressing the past and now...he doesn't want to talk about either one. He has a take it or leave it attitude.

I don't seem to have many options except to leave. I can't stay, worth so much more then his bad treatment....

So will you go into Plan B?

Have you written Dr Harley?

At this point you need to find out if he is involved in an affair.
Can you hire a private detective?

To be honest, I don't know if it really matters if it's just texting or a full blown affair. It's just the last traumatic situation of so many these past 15 years, I lost count.

I stood by my H through some awful situations that he caused us and our family, standing by partly cause I thought I owed it to him after my affair. He stood by me I stand by him....but really he didn't stand by me positively, he stood by me to abuse me. Over and over and I stayed. It was 15 years of punishing me and keeping control.

I asked him last night if he would stop texting this other person, he said I just needed to stop looking an watching what he does and it won't bother me.

Just because you had an affair does not give him license to abuse you.

Hire a PI, snoop, whatever, just find out.

Update:

All text messaging to/from this women has stopped.
Which I find suspicious as they were texting for hours daily up to the day before.

My gut is telling me that my husband is trying to hide it now...how else can they be communicating????

Any ideas besides calling and texting???

There could be a secret affair phone. They could do what my H and his OW did and only communicate through the workplace.

The thing is, you know it is happening and your H has made it quite clear that his relationship with this woman will not stop and that he can do as he likes because of your affair. He has also said he isn't interested in a relationship with you. Therefore, you need to take him at his word and tell him to move out. He is still legally responsible for maintaining the children and paying the rent or mortgage. You need to go into Plan B and remove yourself from his cruelty until and unless this affair stops.

How old are your children now? Do you earn an income?

Sugar, she is looking for work, not sure of the current ages of her 3 children.

lacole - Have you read "Start Here First" in this forum? There is alot of useful info. I agree with BH and Sugar Cane regarding Plan B. You need to start preparing for this. You also need to expose WH A.

I to had an affair and after a few years my husband left with another woman. I was devastated but at the end of the day I felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders in the guilt department.

You are worth much much much more than the abuse you are receiving. You are being punished excessively for an error in judgement , and one you have acknowledged, stopped etc.

I have to wonder what your husband would behave like if you decided enough was enough. Get strong, start living , do things outside of the house, refuse to hear anymore crap from him. walk away. Stop looking at his phone, it gives him power to know he is hurting you.

Take away his power AND lets see what you are left with. If its still not the man he once was , then you have to decide if it is something you can live with or not !

TAKE BACK SOME CONTROL IN YOUR LIFE. What we did was cruel and wrong but we did it, owned it, stopped it , apologised for it, learned from it and if that's not enough then ......

Its been 15 years since my affair and things have never been the same...

Funny thing, out sex life is the only thing not suffering. My husband still wants sex which at this point I find demeaning and disrespectful.

I'm not worthy of a lunch date or anything else, but he wants me to have sex with him...I feel so used and cheap.

I hoped that the sex would bring his closer, but it only makes me feel worse and shows him he can continue to not see my worth.

UPDATE:

Something was telling me something wasn't right between my husband and this OW. - this past Sunday, I drove by his office parking lot in a whim and saw the two kissing. I let them both know that I was there and I saw them.

Of course my husband tried worming his way out of it.

I am meeting with my lawyer in Friday. Between the 15 years of emotional abuse and this affair, I'm done!!

Husband doesn't think I will see it through. Laughable.

lacole, it was clear that he was having an affair, but I'm glad/sorry to hear that you have confirmation. Now you have knowledge and can proceed.

What was his response when you busted him?

Have you exposed his affair?

Are you preparing for Plan B?

Lacole, can you get an exposure plan together?

Regardless of whether you want to recover the marriage, exposure is a good idea. Your children do not deserve this woman in their lives and you need to get rid of her.

Have you read up on exposure and do you know how to do it?

Exposure in the workplace is appropriate here.

Hugs.

I would also expose your own A if it was not done. Remove that stick from his hand by owning it yourself.

Any attempt to blame your past A should also be met with a zero tolerance 'Listen, Buster' response.

For the full 'Listen, Buster', approach advised for Former Wayward Wives with abusive husbands see here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5006_qa.html

Funny-

He denied it, said I hadn't caught him doing anything!! He clearly underestimated me and never thought I would show up at his job on a Sunday!

He was also angry, which I didn't get!! He was the one having an affair, yet He's mad at me???

Jerk.

Way ahead of you...

I have already told numerous friends/family members my affair and have begun to remove that ONE thing he had over me. He no longer has control. I don't care who knows!

I have told friends and family not only about his affair BUT the 15 years of emotional abuse and disrespect he had given me for the past 15 years as my punishment.

They have all told me to go. As fast as possible.