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Joined: Jun 2011
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I think you know.

Because it won't work for you either. It won't be any fun for you to get a dud response. You don't want endurance. Or to keep on this ferris wheel of sacrifice-aversion-sacrifice.

Wait for the true pay off. No one can keep desire at bay forever when the lovebank is mounting up. This panic of hers is just working against her.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Things are still going well with my wife, but I can't seem to get over the visions. They are not as frequent as a couple of months ago, but they still return. I do not want to bring up the affair since she opened up to me and answered all questions regardless of how painful they were to me or her.

Any suggestions on how to stop this movie in my head would be appreciated. She is doing really great at being transparent, open and honest, NC and is taking the EP very seriously. Even so, I can't stop seeing her with him.

I read where Dr. Harley said that when a women is in love she will have desire to be passionate and want SF. How does that relate when there is an aversion, does it mean she is still not in love with me. She tells me she loves me several times everyday. Maybe I am being overly sensitive, maybe we just need more time.

***EDIT SF description*** how can she do that, but not want to kiss me? I don't know just thought I would put all this out there to see what all you think.

Last edited by Ariel; 10/27/13 08:46 AM. Reason: TMI: please keep it respectable!
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Originally Posted by SEJ3
I read where Dr. Harley said that when a women is in love she will have desire to be passionate and want SF. How does that relate when there is an aversion, does it mean she is still not in love with me. She tells me she loves me several times everyday. Maybe I am being overly sensitive, maybe we just need more time.

Right, she is not in love yet which is why the UA time is so important.

Can you ask her to write out her feelings about kissing you in an email and send it to you? It might be too hard to tell you to your face but she could do it this way.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by SEJ3
Things are still going well with my wife, but I can't seem to get over the visions. They are not as frequent as a couple of months ago, but they still return. I do not want to bring up the affair since she opened up to me and answered all questions regardless of how painful they were to me or her.

The visions will fade.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have to say, this is disappointing news.

You described it as something 'she' did - so you needn't feel selfish?!!

Why, where were you, out buying flowers?! You participated in this backslide too.

I doubt it was worth it. I doubt it gave you the emotional nutrition true enthusiasm would have done.

She treats your sex drive as though it is some sort of uncontrollable monster which needs to be appeased at all costs. Your past behaviour has coached her to appease you or she gets the brunt of the monster's displeasure.

I have more faith in you than that. I think you have self control (though you aren't behaving as though you do) and that you are patient and can wait for her.

I don't see how her lovebank will EVER reach the critical level if she remains in fear of you, rather than in love.

You must show more self control.

Were you not concerned or alarmed when she made such a move?

Because I am.

Will she post? I think she is in panic mode.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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When you posted the other day it was so transparent that you meant "please let me allow her to sacrifice pleeease!"

Now you want to hear that allowing it was OK.

You don't feel better. Neither does your wife. Sacrifice does not work.

Review PoJA. NO SACRIFICES AT ALL ALLOWED.

Last edited by indiegirl; 10/27/13 01:18 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I know what you want. You are a red-blooded eager man. But...Indie is right, if she is sacrificing, it's a "no go" for you. It is NOT worth it. Weeks or months, there is timeline that works for her. I'm sure it will work for you IF YOU LET IT.

Only YOU can decide if she's sacrificing or if she's enthusiastic. I am hopeful for your success. Do the right thing...it seems like you know what it is.


Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
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DD-15/ DS-10
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I can feel my wife getting closer to me everyday. She greets me with a hug when I come home from work, and always comes and sits near me to tell me about her day. It is such a wonderful feeling to have her wanting to talk to me again. For so long she wouldn't even say a word when I would come home and I felt like we were just roommates passing in the hall.

I just completed remodeling our downstairs bathroom, which she had been requesting for awhile. She has not stopped talking about what a great job I did with it. She has called all of her friends telling them about it and how wonderful I made it look. You talk about depositing love units in my bank!!!!

We leave for our 1st vacation together(without kids that is) in the morning, she is already packed. I am extremely exicted about this. Before I left for work this am I went to kiss her forehead and she grabbed me and gave me a tight hug and then said "I can't wait to spend 4 days alone with you."

Anyone who does not believe that exposure works is a fool. My wife has changed so much after DD and the following exposure, I am still amazed when I think about it. Of course it has also helped that we have both embraced MB and have changed the way we interact with each other.

I feel love in the air.

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This is wonderful news, SE. Lovebank deposits mount up and up over time. If you stick to the program here you can't fail.

Did you ever get the RH you needed regarding the kissing sitauation? It may be all that is required is more time.

The only concern I have about you and your wife is that she isn't always radically honest/clear in communicating and you have to 'guess' what is truly happening with her.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Not sure on the kissing yet, but I can tell you she has been very flirty with me lately. She also said that part of her not wanting to kiss me was due to a bad habit of mine- using Skoal. She told me this about 4 days ago. I HAVE NOT used it since she told me. I told her she is more important than any bad habit. I purchased some nicotine gum, to help me through, but I am determined to be done with the tobacco.

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Oh yeah there has been a lot more peck type kissing from her. I think a big kiss is just around the corner, but I could be wrong.

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Sounds amazing.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by SEJ3
Not sure on the kissing yet, but I can tell you she has been very flirty with me lately. She also said that part of her not wanting to kiss me was due to a bad habit of mine- using Skoal. She told me this about 4 days ago. I HAVE NOT used it since she told me. I told her she is more important than any bad habit. I purchased some nicotine gum, to help me through, but I am determined to be done with the tobacco.

twoxfour You could of told us this a long time ago!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by SEJ3
We leave for our 1st vacation together(without kids that is) in the morning, she is already packed. I am extremely exicted about this. Before I left for work this am I went to kiss her forehead and she grabbed me and gave me a tight hug and then said "I can't wait to spend 4 days alone with you."

I feel love in the air.

hurray


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This is great!!!!!!!! I wouldn't french kiss anybody who used nasty baccy either, so hopefully fresh breath for a change will be the final thing to reel her in.

Don't you ever put that stuff in your mouth again!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy for you. grin


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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It happened, as I was leaving home after lunch my wife grabbed me a gave me a big ole kiss. It was not rushed, quick, or uncomfortable. It was WONDERFUL. I can't describe how good it made me feel. As I walked out the door she gave me a little pat on the behind and said have a great day.

It is a great day.

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Yeeehaaaa!!

It was a good day.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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So it sounds like she is doing a great job filling up YOUR lovebank.
And since she is so invested in doing it -- you must be doing a good job also!

This is just great progress! Its a wonderful thing when you spend your time thinking about your partner and coming up with ideas to meet THEIR needs.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by SEJ3
Not sure on the kissing yet, but I can tell you she has been very flirty with me lately. She also said that part of her not wanting to kiss me was due to a bad habit of mine- using Skoal. She told me this about 4 days ago. I HAVE NOT used it since she told me. I told her she is more important than any bad habit. I purchased some nicotine gum, to help me through, but I am determined to be done with the tobacco.

twoxfour You could of told us this a long time ago!!


Like kissing an ash tray. puke puke puke puke puke

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Originally Posted by SEJ3
It happened, as I was leaving home after lunch my wife grabbed me a gave me a big ole kiss. It was not rushed, quick, or uncomfortable. It was WONDERFUL. I can't describe how good it made me feel. As I walked out the door she gave me a little pat on the behind and said have a great day.

It is a great day.


Yay Mrs S!!!

You two are becoming one of my favourite MB couples...


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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