I am new to this discussion forum and marriagebuilders though I have been reading as much as I can in the last few days. I'll cut to the question first then give some background. How much evidence do I need to expose? Is it just enough that I know what is happening or do I have to prove it to the people I expose to?

I have been married for thirteen years and have two children, six and nine years old. My wife is actively in an affair and has been for the past several months. It started out as an emotional affair about a year ago, first texting, progressing to phone calls, then to going out with the guy, then spending overnights at his house, about six months ago. The man happens to be the brother of one of her best friends who was starting to go through divorce shortly after they began texting. The day after the first or second overnight she told me she had sex with the guy. We had started going to counseling shortly before that incident. Up until about three weeks ago she had been cycling through contacting and not contacting the guy, 1-2 weeks on, 1-2 weeks off. Three weeks ago she stopped going t counseling and I have been going alone since she said it wasn�t working and she has seen no change in me. I have never been willing to give up hope on the marriage and have been trying to increasingly meet her emotional needs, and financial. She went back to work two months ago after having been a stay at home mom since our first child was born. Our financial road has been rocky. I am a recovering alcoholic with two years sober and am having trouble getting steady work after having been fired 18 months ago. She feels like she was forced to go to work even though we had hoped she would be able to stay home with kids.

Two months ago we both sat down with her parents to discuss financial help for moving out of an unaffordable apartment and I told them that she had been seeing another guy. She of course was furious and smashed a teacup on the floor as her parents left. Last week, before I found marriagebuilders, I told her parents (without telling her) that she had been having the guy over to our house when I was working and our children were home and that she is taking our kids to meet him in public against my wishes. She is continuing to have him over when kids are home. With our very limited funds she took him and his kids and our kids out for a $200 dinner.

I am stressed out but have not been showing anger the last couple weeks. I feel that the exposure and Dr. Harley�s Plan A and be may be my last chance. Most of my trusted friends have been telling me to either leave or lock her out of the house. I feel like I need to expose as soon as possible , but the only evidence I have is her word and what she has been telling me. She tells me when she is going out with him. Though since the first time they had sex she has not told me they are still having sex when I ask. I have stopped trying to read her texts to him on recommendation of the counselor because it increases my anger. I have already tried to get transcripts of texts but prepaid phone service says they cannot disclose due to privacy issues even though the account is in my name. I do have call history though.

Do I need anymore evidence that I have in order to expose? I feel the sooner I expose the better? Should I wait? I don�t think my counselor would necessarily advocate this type of exposure, but I feel it is the best thing to do. Counselor did not even say I should or shouldn�t tell wife�s parents even. Wife�s father though telling them was like tattle tailing.
I would appreciate your feedback please

Your counselor does not know JACK about saving marriages. Exposure is best -- the more people know the more likely the affair is to end.

You have plenty of evidence to expose. Secondly, I would file a retraining order to keep this OM out of your home and away from your children. When you expose I would expose to everyone, especially the OMs wife, parents, other family and friends. Your kids should never be exposed to her OM.

I agree. You have plenty of proof when you reach the point when YOU are sure. Let her try to explain it to a crowd of disgusted and concerned people.

It won't seem so romantic then, which is what you are going for.

Part of the fog is them persuading themselves they are entitled to do anything they want. It seems so reasonable to them that they EXPECT the BS to help them and keep it secret! Bust that notion right up.

Exposure to OMW is also key. Your wife does not fully realise she bust up this family, but she did.

You should also confront OM. Let him know his life will not be worth living if he continues this.

How dare he sneak into your home and spend your cash. After all his f&f are exposed to, (the details regarding his freeloading and entering your home included) he should know he would be named in any divorce suit and made to testify as to his breaking up a marriage. He should also know your children will never accept him and neither will the rest of the family.


You understand about exposure to the children?

There are template exposure letters in ML's sig.

What you did with her parents was exactly right. After you explain what has been happening to the kids, (They must be so confused!) I'd also tell others about the blatancy of the A.

Add a line which says: "Unfortunately my wife and her affair partner have even been so blatant as to include their children in their A. OM has been sneaking into my home without my knowledge and lying to my children which is incredibly confusing for them. His children have also been similarly introduced to my wife and included in clandestine meetings. He has even persuaded her to spend our marital funds on taking him and his children out to dinner. I urge people to help me as I try to protect my home and children."

Time to expose is now.

Exposure targets OMW, OM parents,

WW parents and siblings. Your kids, your parents, siblings.

Copy and paste OM and WW FB friends list. Then expose every one of them. Wait 1 full minute between each message sent so FB does not think you are spamming and block you.

Thank you all for your validation. I have already discussed with my nine year old why I do not want OM in my house when I am not ther, though have not told her the true nature of WW and OM relationship. I told her that I am uncomfortable having people I don't know in my home when I am not there. I could use some advice on langage to use when I expose more to her.

Also, I am assuming exposure to everyone should be done all on same day. I do not use facebook much but am getting used to it. I am also collecting contact info for those who are not on facebook, emails, phone numbers, etc. Should I wait until I have everyone's contact info to expose. I'm not sure how to get contact info of OM�s wife without alerting the wayward couple. Perhaps I can ask OM family members. OM wife was apparently cheating on him toward end of their marriage. I�m not even sure he is finally divorced, as he obviously has an honesty problem. My wife told me that he was surprised how honest she has been with me about A from the start, though my wife admits to not being completely honest with him either, about the nature of my relationship with wife.

One hesitation I have is about exposing to WW and OM employers. First of all I don�t know exactly where he works, only the city and the type of industry it is. Can this wait until after exposing to everyone else?

Just tell her straight out that her mother is having an affair, what an affair is and that the OM is a bad man to be avoided. She should call you immediately if he shows up again.


Does the OM have a facebook page? Does the OMW have a facebook page? I am sure they have both used the excuse they are "getting divorced" to each other. She has probably told the OM this lie about you.


You don't need to expose at work unless they work together or do business together.

one more question about the counselor I have been using. Even from the beginning I questioned her experience in these issues, but did not ask the questions suggested on marriagebuilders finding a good MC article. It was very difficult for me to fins a counselor that even was accepting new clients and accepts my insurance. Don't have the money to go outside insurance network. Read in another post about the importance of using a counselor on board with marriagebuilders, especially after exposure. Is there a list or network somewhere of counselors known to be in agreement with marriagebuilders methods?

about exposing to daughter: what should I do if she tells me he shows up again? Should I come home and confront him or just call the cops? Only my name is on the lease for our apartment as per wife's request due to ongoing financial and credit issues. Regarding restraining order, should this be done before exposure or after or does it matter? Do I have grounds fr restraining order on OM? OM wife actually had a restraining order put on him. My wife told me OM showed her a text he recieved from an irate husband of another woman he was seeing. OM is sick.

The earliest I would be be to expose is tomorrow, as I have to work today and have to use library computer due to slow computer/internet connection at home, though I do have a lot of free time at night when my wife is with OM. The last few weeks she has been spending two nights a week at his apt. coming home before kids wake up, though today she did not get back til they were awake. OM lives in apt. above his parents house, so hopefully they can have some more influence there.

No, you just have to call around and ask. But you can get excellent help on this forum because posters here are bound by the rules to stick to Dr Harley's advice. You also have the free resource of Dr Harley's daily radio show. That can be an immense help to you.

I would focus on busting up the affair and we can help you recover your marriage. You will also want to get the book, Surviving an Affair because this will help you understand the advice we are giving you. You can get it in bookstores, order online or download it now on kindle for PC's.

I would come home immediately and call the police if she calls you and tells you he is there. I would first warn the OM and your wife that he is not to ever set foot in your home again.

When you expose it is very important that you get ahold of the OM's wife and his parents in the first sweep. Even if you have to go to their homes to do it.

My wife and OM are so delusional. Tonight he came to pick her up from our house. While she was in the shower I went down to his car and told him to stay away from my wife and kids and never to step foot in my house again. He said he was not going to pay attention to me and that the apartment was not mine. When I came back in the house my wife told me to appologize to OM and to tell him that we are getting divorced. I have never considered divorce though my wife has brought it up many times over the years. It is so plain to see that neither of them are thinking straight at all.

Back to exposure. I feel I am getting obsessed over the exposure thing. I am barely getting three hours of sleep the last few nights. I just hope I can put as much time and energy into building my marriage as I am trying to stop this affair. I will certainly have to put much more energy than I have in the past.

I am planning to expose to OM parents and siblings tomorrow as well as his wife/ex. I found her FB page so I can at least message her. I am still working on getting her phone and address. Also am going to expose to wifes family, siblings, and close friends.

One question: Is it really necessary to expose to all WW and OM facebook friends? It seems to me it might be a bit much.
I mean I dont want to punish her and shame her.

It is almost scary how different she is right now from the way I knew her to be, doing whatever she can to be with OM, like an addict. She actually called me on my way home from work tonight to ask if there was a possibility for me to sleep somewhere else tonight. Of course I said no, but she was so polite in asking. Of course she left soon after I got home.

You want to expose to those who may put pressure on your WW. Family and close friends also pick friends that are married.

x

Edited and a double post happened!

One thing you must do. Never leave your house. NEVER. That would be WW's dream, for you to go and OM to move in. DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN.


Take a little time in between facebook messages starting with the most important people. Say, 1 or 2 minutes between people. Even then you may still get barred from messaging, so it's important to start with them.

Including OM's wife and parents, they should be some of your first targets.


If she is ashamed it is her own fault. That will help put pressure on her to end it.

Your 6yo is old enough for exposure too. Otherwise it is very confusing for the child.

I would expose to plenty of OMs fb friends as it sounds like you would get plenty of feedback and allies.

It is imperative you get his wife and parents. If he's seeing other women they could be good targets too.

If your wife gives you another Speech like that say: "I don't talk divorce, I talk marriage". Ignore response.

Take care.

Here.
Men, Don't Leave your Home