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So what does DVD do to address the angry outbursts? That's completely unacceptable, and he indicates that this is not the first time it has happened. Something like, "You know, I realize that I made that decision without you which was wrong and I'm sorry. I won't do that moving forward, I'll always ask first to make sure we both agree on our agenda on vacation. When you got angry at me for what I did, it made me feel awful and I'd appreciate it if in the future you let me know how much it hurt you without getting angry."
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Not to distract too much from DVD's thread, but I meant the angry outbursts in general, because we know that a good marriage is not sustainable when they happen. He has to have some recourse....
Me: 46
Wife: 46
Daughter 9
Son 8
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Not to distract too much from DVD's thread, but I meant the angry outbursts in general, because we know that a good marriage is not sustainable when they happen. He has to have some recourse.... Can you take this to your thread instead?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think she was excited about finally having a vacation after 7 years, and a romantic one at that. A second honeymoon lasting a short 4 days. Then you tell her that you want to share this romantic honeymoon with other people - dining out time to boot. I'm guessing she felt you were doing something to show her she's special to you, then dashed that feeling by telling her one of your most important things on the itinerary is to spend time with other people. Essentially, letting other people in on your intimacy and this takes the romance out of the trip.
Let this be your time with her alone and pick another time to visit your cousins.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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Well everything turn out perfect! The night before We left when we were fighting she woke me up in the middle of the night for a little pre vacation fun. I was thrown off by this because she only does this a few times throughout the year. These are the things that confuse us men but I am not complaining. It broke the tension. We saw my cousin the next day for an hour. It was great seeing them and I think she saw how happy it made me and was fine. Napa Valley a must if you want a romantic get away!
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Props to your wife for caring for you and your m!
But....it seems she solved this by giving in. You don't want to have that happen again. You still have some repair work to do.
Read the material on POJA. Start with small decisions and begin applying POJA in you marriage.
Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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We saw my cousin the next day for an hour. It was great seeing them and I think she saw how happy it made me and was fine. Congratulations. You gained at your wife's expense. This is not a long-term sustainable way to do marriage. You "think" she was fine, but she was very clear with you that she was not "fine" with seeing your cousins. You browbeat her into submission to your agenda. Come to think of it, you ignored every poster's advice here, too. If you continue to operate this way, you'll be a lonely man someday. To quote Luke Skywalker, "I have a bad feeling about this."
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Well everything turned out perfect! Sounds like it was perfect for one of you... I doubt your wife feels the same way. BUT...She has probably built the habit of giving into your selfish demands over the years. Her resentment will build and it will come out sideways... ...and you'll say you were 'blindsided.'
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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It is possible that his wife had a change of heart and decided it was okay to see the family. And, maybe, he badgered her into it. We don't know based on his post.
There have been times when my wife or I have not been enthusiastic about something the other spouse wanted to do. And then after thinking about it for a bit, we realized we were having a knee jerk reaction and that it really wouldn't be that big of a deal.
For example, perhaps she realized that she was going to have a great time overall and that his seeing his family would make him happy. And, that in turn, would make her happy. If I'm wrong, then I'm wrong.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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It is possible that his wife had a change of heart and decided it was okay to see the family. And, maybe, he badgered her into it. We don't know based on his post. I doubt Dvdman even knows the answer to that, based on how he has described their relationship here. They do not have the skills to negotiate a problem this big. He really needs to find out if his wife has sacrificed for him, even if he didn't "badger" her into it. ANY sacrifice is detrimental to their marriage. As adamant as she was about not meeting the family, I doubt her feelings on the issue really changed. Sacrifice is a more likely possibility.
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My husband had a very BAD HABIT of capitulation in order to keep the peace. This has been one of the hardest things to break him of in our marriage. And he just did it again last month!! I suspect the wife did exactly that, she capitulated in order to avoid his disappointment.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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....tough crowd. She did not feel guilty and give in. It was about 1 in the morning and I was in a deep sleep. She WOKE me up. I asked her why she honestly did that since everyone here pointed the finger at me. She said she manipulated her pills so she wouldn't get her period the same week of our vacation! Must have messed with her hormones! Sometimes you just get lucky.
Last edited by Dvdman; 11/21/13 02:31 PM.
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As a woman, I find her behaviour quite like women who try to apologize/capitulate with sex and blaming moods, rather than a genuine change of heart. Changing pills around to fit vacation? Sorry DVDMan but I think that is something a woman might say to a man (who doesn't necessarily understand cycles) in order to mask her upset over an issue.
POJA... you guys need it. There is only so much capitulating before resentment builds.
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I don't see anything in that post that suggests she didn't decide to make a sacrifice for you by seeing your family on vacation. She was adamant about not wanting to meet them on your trip, and all of the sudden she just changed her mind? You just got lucky? Feelings don't typically just change like that.
You would be wise to read up on sacrifice and why it is bad for your marriage.
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As a woman, I find her behaviour quite like women who try to apologize/capitulate with sex and blaming moods, rather than a genuine change of heart. Changing pills around to fit vacation? Sorry DVDMan but I think that is something a woman might say to a man (who doesn't necessarily understand cycles) in order to mask her upset over an issue.
POJA... you guys need it. There is only so much capitulating before resentment builds. She changed her pill cycle for our honeymoon too so it wouldn't be that time on our honeymoon. I remember this trick. I guess you could be right but she is not the type of person to "give in that way". She was still upset that we saw my family don't get me wrong, but I think she saw how excited I was and she calmed down. I personally think i just got lucky. Her hormones were off and being being in Napa can change your mood quickly.
Last edited by Dvdman; 11/21/13 02:54 PM.
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[She was still upset that we saw my family don't get me wrong, but I think she saw how excited I was and she calmed down. DVDman, this is how resentment is created in marriages. She capitulated to do something she didn't want to do and it is not something she will soon forget. This is why reluctant agreements are so bad for marriage. You gained at her expense.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She was still upset that we saw my family don't get me wrong, but I think she saw how excited I was and she calmed down. She capitulated.
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Your wife was still upset, in other words, you still did this despite her feelings. Was the purpose of this thread to help learn how to negotiate things so that you are both happy? Or was it for us to just call your wife selfish and tell her you are right?
She probably tells you what you want to hear and blames various things like hormones or whatever, to brush it off. There is only so much of that until she starts getting resentful of the fact that you don't wish to negotiate to make her happy.
Would you like to learn how to negotiate so you are BOTH happy?
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Of course I would. We are doing well. Always open to learning...
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Of course I would. We are doing well. Always open to learning... I would say you are doing well ... in the moment. Unfortunately LBs like IB create withdrawals from your LB scorecard. Once you do something else that is a LB to her she'll add this incident to the tally of her Bank. This is an opportune moment for you to have a discussion with your W on how you realize she may have sacrificed and that that has no place in your M. Don't sweep this under the rug. It could be a defining moment in your R ... and to do it while you're riding the high of "doing well" ... even better.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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