Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 21 1 2 3 4 5 20 21
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
Yes I think we need th he wins she wins, 5 steps into romantic love and love busters.

We were trying to talk about family and honesty. Thats a very hard topic for both of us


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
"Love Busters" walks you through the process of recovering from lying patterns. It's a challenging bad habit, to be sure, but it can be overcome.


Doormat_No_More
(Formerly Barnboy)
Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
Two Years Later
Four Years Later
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
I thought love busters was more about overcomming my own love busters.

I think that is our main problem, I tend to over react to problems and FWH is an avoider. So we get nowhere discussing problems. This last time we tried discussing something, we just had to stop, and we both felt hurt afterwards.

Do you recomend then the he wins she wins only?


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Honesty and Openness is kind of a special one because it is a Love Buster when you are being dishonest, but is also an EN that can be met. So you'll find that particular topic in both HNHN and Love Busters.


Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur

DS(11)
DD(7)

Married: June 24, 2000

Recovered
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
I haven't read "He Wins, She Wins" with my wife yet. We just learned it existed yesterday, and it's on our Amazon list now.

Having read the entirety of "Love Busters" twice, but only reviews of "He Wins, She Wins", it appears that the books can be divided this way:

* If your relationship contains much in the way of demands, disrespect, anger, annoying habits, or independent behavior, you need "Love Busters". It's probably best for people who have been in a relationship or married for many years.

* If your main challenge is effective negotiation to stop arguments, buy "He Wins, She Wins". Apparently it's also much shorter than "Love Busters", which is a really, really comprehensive book about stopping the things that make you fall out of love together. If the couple are newlyweds or have only been married a few years, this might be the best book for them.

But once again I caveat that I'm only going off what I'm reading ABOUT "He Wins, She Wins" at this point. It's on the list right after I finish reading "Deep Blue Secret" :-)


Doormat_No_More
(Formerly Barnboy)
Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
Two Years Later
Four Years Later
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote:
* If your relationship contains much in the way of demands, disrespect, anger, annoying habits, or independent behavior, you need "Love Busters". It's probably best for people who have been in a relationship or married for many years.

* If your main challenge is effective negotiation to stop arguments, buy "He Wins, She Wins". Apparently it's also much shorter than "Love Busters", which is a really, really comprehensive book about stopping the things that make you fall out of love together. If the couple are newlyweds or have only been married a few years, this might be the best book for them.


Having read "He Wins, She Wins," I would agree with the bolded. Although I kind of see it as a sequel to "Lovebusters." I don't think you're ready to get into "He Wins, She Wins" until you have a pretty good handle on Anger, Disrespectful Judgements and Demands (no matter how long you've been married). If these lovebusters aren't a current issue in your marriage, then "He Wins, She Wins" is a good book for you (regardless of the length of the marriage).

For us, we needed Lovebusters first.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
Yeah, Love Busters was our first book. In fact, for the first several months of recovery before my wife started reading through all the books on her own, she thought MarriageBuilders was mostly about how to stop hurting each other...


Doormat_No_More
(Formerly Barnboy)
Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
Two Years Later
Four Years Later
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
Well, it seems we need Love busters then. thanks all for your comments, I really appreciate it.

On a different topic, I need some input.

My FWHs sister is currently pregnant with her second child. Her childrens father is a married man, to another woman, that is. So as you can imagine seeing her pregnant is a trigger for me. My FWH wants to visit his family, but I dont feel ready. Plus sometines this man visits my sister in law. I was thinking on inviting them over to my house, but Im not sure how Im going to react. Maybe if I go to their house, I can leave if I dont feel confortable... What do you think?


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,270
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,270
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: Alada
Well, it seems we need Love busters then. thanks all for your comments, I really appreciate it.

On a different topic, I need some input.

My FWHs sister is currently pregnant with her second child. Her childrens father is a married man, to another woman, that is. So as you can imagine seeing her pregnant is a trigger for me. My FWH wants to visit his family, but I dont feel ready. Plus sometines this man visits my sister in law. I was thinking on inviting them over to my house, but Im not sure how Im going to react. Maybe if I go to their house, I can leave if I dont feel confortable... What do you think?

Does the BW of your SIL's OM know about their affair and her OC?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
From the little I know, yes the BW knows about the first child, a 6 yr old. Don't know if she knows about this second child they are expecting


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,270
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,270
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: Alada
From the little I know, yes the BW knows about the first child, a 6 yr old. Don't know if she knows about this second child they are expecting

Have you ever thought about telling the BW yourself? What if this poor BW is in the dark the whole time?

Have you thought about NC with his wayward sister? Some posters have had to go NC with wayward family members. You need to protect your family.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
Thanks so much for following with me brainhurts, I really apreacite it.

Yes I have thought of it, but my FWH feels I'm so judgamental about his family, in general, not just this, that I feel it might be a big love buster.

So far FWH and me have agreed that whenever sister's OM makes himself present, we leave inmediately. Plus FWH is not to talk to OM anymore, he used to be very fiendly with him. FWH's sisters lives at her mom's so if we go NC with his sister, it would mean not visiting his family either, I'm afraid it would break the family apart.

I have not said this before, but I'm supposed to help FWH's sister in her upcoming labor. We agreed to this before the A. We have planned a vacation one day after her due date, and we even talked about me staying behind in case she is still pregnant. Again, I'm thinking this might turn into a love buster for FWH.

Is this something we need to POJA or is part of the EP's?

Last edited by Alada; 11/15/13 02:53 PM.

FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,270
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,270
Likes: 2
If it triggers you, then your FWH should want to protect you with everything in him.

Also, just because you were enthusiastic about it before the affair doesn't mean you still do it if you're not enthusiastic about it now.

Have you tried to POJA this yet? You can also email Dr. H and have your FWH and you talk with the Harleys together??


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284

We have not specifically tried to POJA this, we tried POJAing something else and his family topic came up. It was very sour for him.

So far FWH has agreed to not going to his mom's until I'm ready, but his family has shown no interest in coming over. Only his older sister has came to help with childcare, which has been great. FWH has stopped by his house to drop some medicines for his mom. They on the other hand, have called him asking for all kinds of help. His dad passed away several years ago, so in a sense FWH is the only man they have for fixing the house.

I'm going to try writing an email for Dr. H. and share it with you for input.

thanks!!


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: Alada
Thanks so much for following with me brainhurts, I really apreacite it.

Yes I have thought of it, but my FWH feels I'm so judgamental about his family, in general, not just this, that I feel it might be a big love buster.


No, Alada - not wanting to do something is not a Love Buster. That's not what a Love Buster is. If not wanting to do something were a Love Buster, then the Policy of Joint Agreement could never work.

Because you are triggered by seeing your wayward sister-in-law pregnant, you should not see her. It's too risky to your marriage. Recovery chances are slim enough as it is - do not deviate from the path.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Alada
Thanks so much for following with me brainhurts, I really apreacite it.

Yes I have thought of it, but my FWH feels I'm so judgamental about his family, in general, not just this, that I feel it might be a big love buster.

So far FWH and me have agreed that whenever sister's OM makes himself present, we leave inmediately. Plus FWH is not to talk to OM anymore, he used to be very fiendly with him. FWH's sisters lives at her mom's so if we go NC with his sister, it would mean not visiting his family either, I'm afraid it would break the family apart.

I have not said this before, but I'm supposed to help FWH's sister in her upcoming labor. We agreed to this before the A. We have planned a vacation one day after her due date, and we even talked about me staying behind in case she is still pregnant. Again, I'm thinking this might turn into a love buster for FWH.


That is really disgusting. I cannot even imagine that you would help a mistress give birth to the child of some married man. Do you enthusiastically endorse adultery? Does this OM's wife know all about this affair? Does she know about your endorsement?

I don't know about you, but I find that my life is much happier when I don't hang out with adulterers, liars, cheaters, theives, etc. I use alot of discretion in my choice of friends and family with whom I associate myself.

Quote:

Yes I have thought of it, but my FWH feels I'm so judgamental about his family, in general, not just this, that I feel it might be a big love buster.


It is your job to judge and discern those with whom you associate. I don't understand what you mean when you say something might be a lovebuster? It would be a lovebuster if your husband tried to railroad you into hanging out with cheaters... yuck


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
Wow, thanks for sharing your points of view, I was starting to feel I was being indeed judgamental about this.

During the weekend FWH and me had a talk about his family, specifically his sister. He agreed that we need to wait more time before we see her again. As far as the birth goes, I think she has given up on the idea. Last time FWH talked to his sister, she was not very sure about calling me to set up an apointment.

However, when talking about his family, we found a major issue. He feels he has let down his family. As I said before his dad passed away almost 15 yrs ago, FWH was 17 I think, and he is the only man at his house. His family is a complete chaos, I do not want to go into the details, but they have money, health and sanitary issues. FWH feels extremely guilty about this situation, specially since he is not working and is not able to support his family economically.

I think this last point is a deal breaker for him. I'm the breadwinner at home, I have a Ph.D. and he was on his way to get a college degree when he got into the A. He desperately needs to feel like he is supporting his family, if not the only breadwinner, at least contribute something. But right now that is not possible, he is a SAHD. His number one EN is admiration, and anything I say to him falls on deaf ears, since he does not feel adequate enough.

Do you have any suggestions about how to work his ego up?


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
I totally agree with MelodyLane. I would have nothing to do with another person if I knew them to be an adulterer...unless they were following a path of making amends and recovery with their spouse.

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
As for the family, I don't understand why Mr. Alada believes he is responsible for his extended family's health & wealth. Once married, the wife and children become the priority.

Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
Thanks Rocketqueen, that's exactly my thought, but I feel the issue underlying is that his necessity is to support a family.

FWH does not feel we need his economical help, and that is true, so he is turning to trying to help his family. Apparently the A started because he also felt the need to protect OW.


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Page 3 of 21 1 2 3 4 5 20 21

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (2 invisible), 26 guests, and 60 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,549
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5