I'm always leery of questions like this.


1. I don't know anyone who does MB perfectly.
2. I think his love for you will return more quickly than yours for him. Are you OK with that?
3. Once my H was deeply in love with me, he started making love deposits in my 'bank' like he never did before. I think this is because as women, we think too much. Men just like having their needs met. Once that happens, they usually don't bother asking "Why is she doing this now?". Us? We tend to analyze things to death. "How long will this last this time?" "Is he doing nice things for the right reasons?" .... Just stop over-thinking.

No arguments. Nothing is worth an argument.

I need help navigating a situation.

A little back story. DH's cousin moved in two doors down. He lives with DH's mom. Newly single dad with three little kids. DH, MIL, and I are supporting him with childcare during this time. Last weekend, one son had pneumonia. Last night, cousin calls at 930 says he needs to take another son to the ER with possible pneumonia. He asks if I can watch the other two kids. I say yes, I'll be over there shortly. I will stay at MIL's house, while he takes other son to the doctor. The ONLY reason I said this was because I would be the only one dealing with the situation. These little kids have never stayed with us. And they have been sick. I was trying to avoid some fit-throwing and stress by allowing them to sleep in their own beds. When the cousin got home from the hospital, I would walk back home.

I tell DH what's going on. He agrees that we should watch the kids. But, he is markedly angrily about it. I ask him, What do you want to do? He says, I don't know. I said, Whoa, backup we need to POJA this. We brainstorm options. We agree, the kids should come to our house instead and sleep on the blow-up mattress. Cousin agrees, the kids come down. Everything works out beautifully they go right to sleep.

I come back to our room. He is still mad. I ask him what is wrong? He asks, Did I want to sleep in our bed last night? I said, Yes, I want to sleep in my own bed. I ask him, Did you hear the part apart your cousin taking the son to the ER? Did you know I would be with the other two kids and not your cousin? He said, Yes to both. He said, All he heard was cousin needs my wife to sleep down there and she says yes. I asked again, You do understand he wasn't going to be there right? He said, Yes.

What do I do now. POJA keeping the kids? Not allow the cousin at our home? Clarify that, yes, my DH actually has a concern about the cousin and me?

This has NEVER happened before. This is radical honesty from my DH.

Do you know what Dr. Harley says about spending the night apart? He says never do it.

You should've negotiated this with your husband BEFORE agreeing to spend the night at your cousins house. You made an agreement without taking his feelings into account, and then had to scramble around to try to pick up the pieces.

How's your UA?

From my perspective, our UA is fine. We had a nice dinner out Saturday night. That was about five hours. I am satisfied with our conversations. He'll call me during the day, while he is driving to meetings or on his way home. He is working a lot less. Only commuting to the downtown office three days a week. He is at home so much more now.

My emotional needs barometer is broken. I don't need anything from him. I am satisfied with what we are doing. I don't need undivided, uninterrupted time. I count any interaction as UA. It has value to me. I makes love deposits. I read something on another thread, about UA being like painting a picture. But, if there are LB's everywhere, it's like painting on thin air.

He is not satisfied though. I asked him "How's our UA?" He said, "What UA?" He hasn't approached me for SF. Because he doesn't want to pressure me. But, yet he is annoyed with me because he said he is waiting on me. Even though, I've told him I will not initiate. Women who have no desire and are not in love are not going to initiate SF.

He doesn't count our cell phone convo because it isn't uninterrupted. He does count our date Saturday though. He doesn't count retiring to the bedroom at night because it isn't uninterrupted. What we are doing isn't making love deposits for him.

But, neither of us are enthusiastic about being out of the house 20 hours a week. Neither of us remember a lot of undivided attention when we were dating. Heck, we were separated for 6 of the 9 months before getting married.

I asked him if he still has "in love, romantic feelings" for me. He said yes.

Your UA is not fine.

I will concede that our UA isn't MB approved. But, my not initiating SF isn't connected to our lack of UA. I've never initiated SF. Even when I was "in love" and connected to him.

I've always been willing. He's never gone very long without.

There's your problem.

1) Work on improving your UA. Look in your local paper and PoJA some activities.

2) "Initiating" SF, from your side, can be as simple as sending a flirty/suggestive text, or direct as "I want you." Once you communicate that, see where it goes. You could also schedule your SF, and plan around/leading up to that.

Schedule SF. You two sitting around waiting for someone to initiate is a silly game that goes nowhere except to create more separation between you. Plan it out. Then follow through. No one needs to initiate. You need to have that quality time together.

HHH and Mr A, thank you both for your help.

DH and I have talked quite a bit over the past couple of days. He is reluctant to schedule SF. He said, he doesn't want to have SF when he isn't meeting my needs and I have no desire for it.

I few pages ago, I expressed that I don't know what my needs are anymore. Engaging in the 4 top EN's is not creating romantic feelings. While they are not unpleasant, they are not getting the "job done." I don't think I'm in withdrawal. Detached, yes. Not "in love" yes. Honestly, I feel dead inside. I don't crave the top EN's.

Before you all beat me with a wet noodle, I understand that presently we are not doing UA correctly. Let me explain. We did 4/4 hour dates out of the house for a couple of weeks. Neither of us liked it. It was unpleasant and stressful. Affection couldn't happen because we don't like PDA. We didn't like our kids eating dinner alone. We didn't like our youngest going to bed without goodnight hugs and kisses. SF usually didn't happen because it was so late when we got home, we were too tired. So we quit doing that.

There was a time many years ago, that we scheduled SF. I adopted the "fake it, til you make it" attitude. It landed me in the middle of a nasty SF aversion. DH showed up on SF nights. That was a real bad time for us. Lots of problems, he was still gaming.

Neither of us want me retreating into the aversion mindset.

We are comfortable being out of the house one day or night a week for 5 hours. I am willing to meet his EN's. We had a RADICALLY honest conversation about honesty and LB's. I asked him to please reconsider losing weight. He said, OK. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Of course it's not getting the job done. You are not giving the hours needed in order for it to get the job done.


A couple of weeks is not long enough. You've made excuses.

An aversion will not happen if you are following POUA and POJA.

Then get comfortable with a less than happy marriage. You cannot cherry pick or modify this program and expect it to work.

ok

I would like you to step out for a second, and think about your attempt at dates;


Both of you are in a state of either withdrawal, or conflict. You are both aware that there are problems in the marriage. You are both aware that you are doing this to "fix the marriage."


While you are in states of withdrawal and conflict, UA time is going to seem unattractive, stressful. That is why it is EVEN MORE important to follow through with it, and remember to make it MUTUALLY ENJOYABLE.

In fact, it would be even better for the two of you to escape for a week or two with JUST THE TWO OF YOU, and to share some EXCITING experiences, as that will really boost your LB$ balances.

*ETA*


Affection; tell your husband to read my screen name.

I am at the end of my rope. I've lost all self respect. I'm having sex with my husband out of fear. I'm a hypocrite. Teaching my daughter how and when is an appropriate time for sex. If she came to me and said she was having sex just keep her man from being mad at her or leaving her. I would be livid. Sex should be for love...not fear.

How can I heal my marriage? I don't know what my needs are, therefore he can't meet them. When I bring up his LB's, he says, "Well, dammit I can't do anything right, I might as well just stop talking." He said, he wants my desires to line up with his desires. I can't come out of withdrawal. He hates conflict.

I know you guys say it's UA. That's not the problem. We've spent much more time together since he changed jobs in February. We include the four EN's. Nada, zip....I'm not in love.

Let's be honest. I feel like a whore.

I know you say UA is not the problem but how much UA time have you had?

What are his lovebusters?

UA will not accomplish anything if he refuses to do anything about his love busters.

Steve Harley told me not to expect big trumpet fanfares and celebrations for eliminating love busters - after all, who goes around bragging that they don't abuse their wife any more? He is whining when you bring up his love busters, whining that you should admire him for all the good he does do, and not realizing that the love busters ruin it. You can't fill a bucket when you are drilling holes in it every day, and that's what love busters are. They BUST the love.

If he will not take this problem seriously, then there really is no hope - love busters that aren't dealt with will destroy a marriage.

You mention you are in withdrawal - that's because of his love busters. UA will not fix that.

You mention you don't know what your emotional needs are - that's a sign of withdrawal. Again, withdrawal is caused by love busters.

"he wants my desires to line up with his desires" - that's not really a very realistic expectation. Men and women typically don't desire the same things. That's why it's necessary to negotiate together to find a lifestyle that is pleasing to you both. It involves a lot of investigating and getting to know each other. Demanding that your partner desire what you desire short circuits and prevents that process.

BTW, sex won't fix this. Dr. Harley typically tells men that they can have fights, or sex, but not both. Meeting his sexual needs will not cause him to take your complaints about his love busters seriously.

Dr. Harley defines fighting as those three abusive love busting behaviors: demands, disrespect, or angry outbursts. If he is engaged in ANY of these, you should probably not be meeting his sexual needs.