eden, is your wife an alcoholic or a drug addict? Does she have a job? Where is she staying now?

They would not let me change the custody today. They said that it would be addressed in court. I am not working til after that so I will be able to keep them with me. Would e-mail be best to communicate this with her? or text. I don't have good luck talking to her.

I have been thinking about the possibility of moving in with my folks, if I were able to get custody and they have offered that as a possibility. At the moment, from a purely financial standpoint, that seems like the best option, until I can get a better job. One concern I have is that there is a lot of love busting that goes on in their house, both between them and with me and my kids. This really affected me growing up, and has also been an issue for my brothers and their children.

No you do not.
If she comes to your home call the police

I suggest you send the following text:

We wont be able to make it today.
I hope we can see you soon.

Then turn off ylur phone so your evening isn't ruined

Of course you both have custody! Both parents have a right to see their children. She would have every right to take them as you do until a custody order is in place. That doesn't mean make it easy for her, but the police will tell you that you have to let them go. I speak from experience.

No. She is neither. She does not even drink. I am an alcoholic. Her farther did pass away when she was a teen though due drug issues. She avoids even over the counter drugs because of this. She also likely learned her anger/violence behaviors from him.

She is staying with her girlfriend, which is also where she took the kids when she had them. The friend has depression issues and often has multiple guy friends, one of which was married but going throuh a divorce. Though she does this, she has told WW from the start that the relationship with OM would come to no good.

She does have a jod. She started working two months ago because of our financial issues. Before that she had not worked out of the home since our nine year old waas born. I had gotten fired from my profssional job a year and a half ago and have been doing hourly retail work since then. Even before I got fired I had switched jobs often, and moved often, a result of my alcoholic thinking and not making decisions for myself. I have been really working my recovery in the last year and though employment has not improved, I feel a new sense of confidence lately. I know I have a lot of my own work to do on our marriage but I am now feeling the strength and determination to do it right. I am just hoping it is not too late.

It's never too late to do the right thing Eden, you are doing wonderfully.

All I would say is that in communications with your WW, be sure NOT to listen to her.

Waywards do not speak a word of sense so develop the art of skim reading texts and 'skim listening' in conversations.

Unless she says: "What have I done! My A is disgusting and I want to make amends" - you're on loudspeak only, delivering Plan A soundbites.

Men who have some regrets about the marriage, like yourself, tend to get a bit stuck here. They desperately want a chance to make amends and so listen to all the crazy wayward-speak their spouse gabbles. What's worse is they then respond - or believe!

Don't listen, just do, ok?

The best thing you can do for her is to kill the A.

OK. Thanks indiegirl

So you all are saying that I should get custody no matter what, even if it means keeping the restraining order? I am not sure how easy it is to get RO lifted once it is finalized.

I spoke with legal aid counselor yesterday and they told me that custody is a separate issue from the restraining order. This did not quite make sense to me because custody needs to be addressed at the RO hearing.

From the research I did online it may be an involved process to convince a judge to lift a final restraining order anytime soon. Wondering now if I should pursue custody but not the fimal restraining order.

I would leave the restraining order in place and do what you have to do to get custody of the kids. Your wife does not have a home and is very unstable right now. They don't need to be dragged all over the place to accommodate her affair.

Do what you have to do to protect your kids and then work on saving your marriage.

Do you have any idea why she is so unstable? Has she always been this unstable?

I believe there are issues stemming from her childhood.Her father had violence and drug issues. He had been abandoned by his mother for some time when he was very young. I'm trying to remember the first time showed this rage with me. There were certainly times before we had kids. Can't remember if it started before or after we were married. She had never been physically violent with me until after we had been married several years and had children. Instances before that involved throwing things, mainly, like dishware, but nt aimed at me.

I am wondering how much of what is going on with restraining order and A I should be revealing to the kids. My wife of course thinks it is damaging to discuss the OM with kids. I have not really said much about the A to them since I exposed to them last week. I know they are confused an emotional from not seeing their mother.

Dr Harley would encourage you to be honest with the children

Eden,

I am a single father. I exposed my wifes affair to the kids.
I exposed the OM dangerous background to the kids.
I told the kids they visit their mom in supervised visitation until she meets the court requirements.

Dr Harley encouraged all of the above.

Spoke with my legal counselor, and now I am not sure that the final restraining order is what I want to do, it would be permanent, thus making it difficult for us to ever be together again any time in the future.

Counselor said I would have to file separately for custody and this could not be done until restraining order was finalized or thrown out. The restraining order has an implied custody, but this is not ultimate custody (that would have to be done separately. I could request change in the implied custody on the restraining order and request an adjournment, but during that time I could not take the kids out of state to my parents. The adjournment would buy some time but make the judge mad if I really don�t want to keep the restraining order in place.

Counselor also brought up what is called a civil order, which I am going to do some research on. Don�t know much about it yet.

Legal aid said they would have an attorney counsel me on how to represent myself through custody hearings but won�t actually be there to represent me.

What does "implied custody" mean? That you have custody?

I encourage you to seek custody and do not drop the restraining order.
At this point you need to place the welfarr of yhe kids above your marriage.