Melody and Susieq,I really appreciate your posts & guidance, I have really been doing a lot of soul searching & spending a lot of time with the church, & my wife, yes I guess Im still in a bit of a fog, every day I wake up I don't accept or believe that my life is real & how could I possibly have done this to my wife ,family & myself,this is like a total nite mare, I still have a difficult time accepting what I have done,my behavior is not acceptable in any way shape or form, every day I look into my wife's eyes & see her empty soul & I caused this,& created such a void in our lives

her unhappiness,Ive devastated her will 2 live, its so heart wrenching I have difficulty getting up in the morning looking at my self in the mirror trying to function @ work without tears running down my face, I find myself texting my wife telling her everything will be all right when im not so sure that it will be,I face my wife's empty soul every min of every day & all I can do is pray,All I want is to be the man she married , I want to do is have the relationship I promised her , its not fair that I gave her this false relationship I created ,she is so much worth more than that, Im at the lowest possible time of my life & I don't know how I could possibly ever make it up 2 my wife of how much I have wronged her & gave her a false sense of security in a relationship for so long that wasn't honest or real on my behalf,what I have done is unexcusable ,unacceptable,& degrading.

I appreciate & want to have a support group to help guide me through my short comings in my life,any advise & suggestions are welcome

What are your wife's top emotional needs, DM? List 'em for us here. I mean it. What are they?

If you don't know what they are, you need to find out.

If you've read "Surviving An Affair" (you said you were reading it), then you know how to find out. If you still haven't read SAA all the way through, then I'm wasting my time.

I'll tell you what she doesn't need: You wallowing in self-pity. Early-on after my affair, I remember at one point, my wife saying, in tears & frustration, really, "I want my confident husband back!" Your wife wants the guy she thought she married, looking after her & being her guy, meeting her needs, delighting in her & grateful to be with her. She doesn't want some broken-up, self-pitying guy who's too carried away in his own self-loathing to lift a finger to do anything for her or to create any sort of spark in her heart.

I don't wanna hear how you feel. That won't help you, & it won't help you help your marriage. I wanna hear what you're doing for your wife.

No, it's not all you can do. After you've prayed, and after the Lord has answered by dropping a bunch of tools at your very feet (see above re: "Surviving An Affair" ), then you'd better do Him the decency of taking the next step & picking up the tools & using 'em.

P.S. -- Rome wasn't built in a day, and your marriage can't be rebuilt in just a day. Be too busy to have time to be discouraged. Shave faster, don't spend so much time looking into that mirror. It won't look right for a good long time anyway. Occupy yourself with thinking about what you can do for BlindSighted.

my wifes top en's are honesty,sf,affection &conversation. I have also been trying to give her reassurance, safety&protection. To give protection I have been trying to communicate more and be transparent and keeping her safe from triggers by telling her my every move.My wife says I have been doing a good job telling my feelings instead of waiting for her to ask.

We r still reading surving an affair. We work on it 2-3 times each week because we stop &talk about each section. With ua time,sf &recreation &church,work & bible study & meetings with the pastor, we are only 60percent finished.

Im trying to focus on being humble,trying to take charge and be confident with regard to her feelings.I'm giving physical reassurance hugs but I'm open to more ideas.

Im trying to change myself by going to church,being honest with talkng to family&friends,praying all day because I cant do this myself.

I agree this is going to take time.I realize what youre saying and this will take long term work. From what youre saying my focus this week will be with what I can do for my wife.

That is good. Less words, more action. The most difficult thing is, to keep it up after the first excitement wears down. That's where you can see the difference between a man and a boy.