Your getting good advice. I'm sorry that you have to go through this painful moment in your life. Just remember your kids need a same parent and that's you. God bless.

You are absolutely correct. Her lawyer did send me a proposal which basically said that the kids will reside with her in an apartment that she will procure in the same town, and I would get to keep the �marital apartment,� and of course we would have to look at support from me for the children since they would be living with her. He cited the kids being �traumatized� at bedtime screaming for mommy (although that did not happen last night for the first time in a while). If I were willing to accept this I would have moved out a year ago when she asked me to move out and we could have avoided having an attorney involved. But this is not what I want. I did not respond.

It seems much clearer to me now that I will go through with finalizing the RO. I can�t be sure yet what will happen with custody though, since child protective will be weighing in on this. I was very clear with them about the details of the A and OM contact with my children. Unfortunately I set a precedent in the eyes of the judge by not requesting custody in the initial temporary RO, and allowing her to take the kids last weekend. Yesterday I had misinterpreted the details of the parenting time in the RO and she does actually have them for the entire weekend until Sunday night (though I will have them Sunday night through Friday morning. She has still been calling OM even now when children are in her care.

When she came to pick them up tonight she came to the door again and she asked to hug me. I am not inclined to call the police but I need to be more firm with her about sticking to what is written in the RO. Even child protective told me I should do this when I spoke with them. Curbside means curbside, not come to the door.

You have a hard time being firm.
She doesn't want a hug.
Shes having an affair and wants to destroy you.
She wants the kids and a new apartment for her and OM.
I hope you have followed advice and have a recorder on you at all times.

When she leaves the curb call the POLICE.
Do not help her with the kids.
The best thing that could happen would be for her to get cited for violating the restraining order.

You really need an attorney
Don't reply or talk to her attorney in any way until you speak to an attormey or the guy from legal aid

Set up a video recorder to record the pick up/drop offs.
Secretly, hidden.
I think she will get frustrated getting the son out and have angry outbursts on video.
Or come to the house and have them with you. (On video)

Note: The purpose of this forum is to provide MB advice and concepts.
We are not supposed to give legal advice; there are legal forums out there that can.
I suggest you email Dr Harley and ask him if he thinks you should be in Plan A or go into Plan B if the restraining order goes through.
I do know that he would encourage you to follow any existing order and not violate the order

Yesterday I got a lead on a more local legal services assistance. Since I meet the income requirements they said they are able to represent me in court. The soonest they can meet with me is next Wednesday, the last business day before my RO hearing he following Monday. Unfortunately it took this long to find them but I'm sure it will be better than me going it alone.

You're doing really well. As I am sure you are now aware, the kids distress is really her problem. She tries to make it about you, but your son was only acting up for her benefit to try and shake her out of her strangeness. As soon as she goes, he's fine, isn't he?

I think your lawyer needs to know how much she has been subjecting them to her boyfriend and that she continues to call him in front of them.

The hug thing is just the classic 'uh oh I'm in trouble on my own' WW response. As is the whole OM dumped by family thing. Fantastic!

Trouble is definitely brewing in affair-land.

I definitely do have a hard time being firm, in all aspects of my life, though it has recently been getting much better.

That is exactly what she wants. She even asked me two days before exposure and the assault if I could possibly find somewhere else to stay. Of course I said no.

She says the hug wll help the children get through things, to see that we are still "friends". She may really believe this or it may just add support to her outward show to others that everything is OK and I am OK with it. I think it gives them mixed messages, as it did when we got back together so soon after the other time she assaulted me in a similar way. Or she may just want to smell my breath to see if I have have been drinking.

I have not gotten a voice recorder yet but I think I will get one today.

Okay, listen to me and listen good....the reason she's coming into the house and asking for hugs is to use as evidence at the RO Hearing to prove you're not afraid of her because you allowed her to do all these things. You can't change what's already happen but stop it NOW. If you are cross-examined on the instances that already happen, your answer is, "She's so volatile I was afraid if I didn't that she would go off on me again liked he did the night I called the police." You also need to be aware there is a good chance she recorded those exchanges. What state are you in? In some states, only the consent of one of the parties is required to record. In other states, the consent of both parties is required.

NJ

NJ is a one party consent state which mean as a party to the conversation, the fact that she consents allows her to record her conversations with her. Please take on the advice I provided earlier today re: allowing her in the house and hugs.

I guess that goes for me to is I want to record. I just got a revorder now.

Good.
Be thankful you have the restraining order.
I slept withe the recorder In my pants because my wife would kick the locked bedroom door in and talk to me if she felt like it!

now please emal Dr Harley and ask him how he recommends you proceed if the restraining order is continued or released (ie plan A or plan B)
Give him your name and number so you can be on the radio show and that way he can ask you queations and give you his best advice

Now I am wishing I had the recorder sooner, like when I confronted OM and when the assault occrred. Oh well, it is what it is. I will certainly have it on any time I'm around my wife.

Also set up a video recorder to record her curbside dropoffs

I voice recorded a convo i had with WW this morning. I told her again that to have any discussion about our future she would have to have no contact with OM. She did not yet say she wouldnt contact him. I am still trying to do plan a stuff during this. Is mentioning the A ok? I will be emailing Dr. Harley after work today. Anyu thoughts? I know according to the RO I am only sposed to contact her about the children.

Be SURE and tell Dr Harley about her physical assaults. That makes a huge difference in how he would handle this.

And I like that you told her that there is no future unless she ends her affair. I would reiterate that on a regular basis.

Today she requested to keep kids over night tonight even though according to RO I would have the. She said that if I were to give a little on this thay she would "consider" no contact with OM. I AM GOING TO TELL her that I want them for tonight because she has an alanon meeting to go to and to keep consisancy of morning weekday routine that they have had with me. Should I be concerned that she might not consider NC if I dont let her have kids tonight?

Just let her know you will consider letting the kids stay overnight when she a) ends her affair and b) obtains a stable home.

Oh wait, I forgot she does have some visitation. In that case, let her know you will consider more visitation time when she ends all contact with the OM and obtains a stable home.

What concerns me with your ww is that spouses of alcoholics usually have traits that draw them towards alcoholics.
That's why I suspect OM probably is an alcoholic or addict.
Where did she meet him?
Hopefully she didn't meet him at Alanon

If she has an alanon sponsor you should expose to the sponsor too